What dog-tired parent of elementary kids hasn’t heard this if they dare complain?
It finally occurred to go on the offensive rather than be on the defensive. If teens can be so tough, well, what are good, well-adjusted teens supposed to be able to do?
Please post what you think a teen should be able to do, in academic-life but also in life-life.
If you have any tips for practicing and achieving mastery of the skill, I’m all ears.
For example: “Make a hot meal for the family.”
Should my 6 yo and 7 yo, working together, be able to set a table for breakfast, serve yogurt and berries, scrape plates, load the dishwasher and sponge down the table? That seems like something we could build towards, step by step with modeling, encouragement and patience.
Here are some ideas:
Introduce self to someone (e.g. parent's co-worker) and proactively engage in polite, respectful small talk for five mins.
Receive criticism about work, keep cool, and revise it according the the feedback.
Babysit a toddler for a few hours.
Have debate about a sensitive topic without losing temper or slipping into personal attacks.
Manage homework, track deadlines and make steady progress without prompting/nagging.
Practice an EC (sport, instrument) without nudging/nagging.
Be a gracious guest (Ps&Qs, neat in the bathroom, offer to help host -- all without prompts).
Know how to drive a car. (Obviously, behind-the-wheel training shouldn’t start until it’s legal in one’s locale, but grade school is not too early to start learning about calm and collected in-the-car behavior.)
Know what to do to keep themselves safe, including what to do if there’s a fire, when it’s appropriate to call 911, and who they should talk to if they get lost.
Most important: know that they can ALWAYS talk to mom or dad or other parental figure about anything.
It starts with parents easing off on doing things for the teen. Then refusing to do them.
Want food- figure out how to make your own breakfast and lunch foods. Clothing- not always letting but can be forcing in the case of non shopper sons. Laundry- fold your own, work up to clean your own. College son let his winter break dirty laundry wait until he had to go back (would come to the laundry room on occasion for “new” underwear from his bag- guys can be gross, and lack the needs of young women). Clean bathroom- do it yourself (this works when parents have their own). Need travel arrangements- need to inform the chauffer (parents) in advance.
We ran into a problem many parents do not. Having an only child meant no sharing of tasks with siblings.
Parents also need to deal with different standards. Bedmaking, putting clean laundry away and so many things are not a priority for teens. Close the bedroom door to hide the mess is good for coping (of course, most would keep their door closed for privacy anyhow).
Modeling behavior. It really helps if both father and mother are doing the household tasks. Cleaning, finances and other tasks should not be relegated to genders like happened when I was a child.
Good table manners at a variety of cultural settings.
Flying alone or learning situation where parents will let teen navigate the family through the process on a family flight
Calm and reassure friends/strangers in stressful situations- keeping your cool under trying circumstances
Grocery shop-how to pick quality fruits, cuts of meat, reading expiration dates on perishables
What to do if victim of road rage when driving home-where to go, what to do
What to do when in fender bender/car accident-exchanging info, how to act, what NOT to say
Basic first aid
How to swim
True story this weekend visiting son and his roommates in college - they have a relatively old apartment, rug not in good shape - however, when we first walk in the door, lined up against the wall to the left were 20 pairs of shoes - all 3 boys take their shoes off when they come in the door. Granted, there are half eaten cereal bowls and coke cans and napkins and paper plates lying all over the place but they don’t walk in that apartment without taking off their shoes! All 3 moms (none of these kids knew each other before college and they are from Georgia, Texas, Alabama) made their kids take their shoes off when they come in the house - and that STUCK! They have crummy, dirty carpet, but they don’t walk past the foyer without removing their shoes. Some things are just inbred - funny but kind of cute.
I was interested in this thread because I saw a few cousin’s kids last night and it was pretty appalling. I gave them a little talk about college as I had brought some material about Cal Grant to one mom, 2 8th grade girls, a recent hs grad boy with no skills or interests (it seems) and one big sis CC student looking for transfer. One 8th grader pulled faces and rolled her eyes the entire time, one stared into space and then plunked her forehead down on the table midway. The big sis told me that her brother doesn’t even feel he can hold a job or knows how to do anything, so I was trying to think of some ways to gain basic skills and confidence. Both these are divorce situations with a lot of drama. Sad.
I raised my kid alone and I didn’t much ask for anything housework related, I’m not sure why. I did sort of force her to learn to make a couple of dishes and she then was able to fool people that she was a great cook because she could do those 2 things perfectly, she became famous for those dishes. Making beds is not important to me personally. I don’t remember teaching table manners either, but perhaps it should be done as one of the 8th graders had a very crass way of cutting meat. I don’t know, I though they just figure out that stuff on their own, but apparently not.
Oh, and my kid took a babysitting class for a certificate when she was oos at grandparents–so that is one thing available. She was young and I was pretty appalled that someone would let a kid so young babysit, lol.
My daughter started volunteering in middle school, and that is about the time we started hosting exchange students who were of course teenagers several years older than her. One exchange student who tried volunteering with her fell asleep (in public!), and the other exchange student who tried volunteering with her spent the whole time wandering around texting on her phone and chatting with anyone she could find, and did none of the things she was supposed to be doing. It was truly shocking. All I could think was that my much younger middle school kid had better manners, a longer attention span and more responsibility than these teenagers.
My vote would be to make sure your kids can function in a real-world setting on their own, long before they are teenagers. Unfortunately, I’ve met college graduates (young lawyers, actually) who still had not learned these things, and would fall asleep at work, text all day and even watch TV on their computers while they were supposed to be working. I think that we need to help our kids develop attention span and responsibility to focus on work starting at a young age, or they risk never developing that maturity.
At that age, simple chores like picking up toys/room, making beds, setting the table, helping clear the table, and loading the dishwasher. My college kids still talk about the job charts I set up for them back then which also included things like brushing teeth, hygiene, daily reading time, etc. It saved me from nagging and they actually enjoyed marking stuff off that they did. When they were too little to read, I had pictorial charts.
I personally wouldn’t do allowance yet. I didn’t until the kids were double digits, and I never tied it to chores. To me, chores were something you did to contribute to the running of the household and because you are part of the family. I didn’t tie pay to that.
Here’s some other brainstorming, many of which are probably goals better geared towards one’s later teen years:
How to tip
How to use an ATM machine, a credit card, and how to write a check
How to write a proper thank you note, how to address it, postage, etc.
How to navigate public transportation, and airports
How to read a map and use a compass (even in these days of GPS)
How to plan a breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and grocery shop for those meals.
How to seek out help from a teacher/person in authority and to realize that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness
How to use chopsticks
How to make a doctor’s appointment and advocate for oneself in a medical situation
How to vote and to keep informed of current/world events and politics
How to write a resume, apply for a job, interview
How to budget and save money, as well as some fundamental basics of investing/financial markets
How to grow a garden
How to use basic tools
How to be open to trying different foods and cuisines
