<p>I didn’t have “no friends over without us there rule” to prevent my kids from having sex. I had that rule so my kids could use it as an excuse not to have their friends over unsupervised. They could go over to their friend’s house and decide not to partake in drinking ( I know they did from time to time), but it would be much harder for them to have friends over and have to tell them that they couldn’t drink at our house. All of our kids’ friends knew they couldn’t have parties at oldfort’s house because their mom was crazy, not because my kids weren’t cool. At the same time, we made ourself very available so they could have their friends over pretty much whenever they wanted. They just needed to give us heads up few days ahead of time. </p>
<p>When we lived overseas where drinking age was 18, at one of their first parties the kids wanted to sleep over at our place, I told D2 that it was fine as long as they were “fairly sober” when they came over. They declined the offer, but started to come over once the novelty of drinking wore off.</p>
<p>Now our kids are no longer in high school, they’ve told us that they were happy to use us as the excuse for not having people over.</p>
<p>I agree with the parents who would not allow teens of the opposite sex in their homes unsupervised, but it seems odd to maintain this rule through the August before college and then send a child to a college where there are few such rules. I don’t have a solution to this seeming contradiction.</p>
<p>Oldfort, my kids had the same luxury. And they have voiced the same thing. To the guy they didn’t want to date anyway, “My parents are Sooooo strict. They don’t really let me go out much, and you’d have to interview with my dad”. And many other awkward situations.</p>
<p>Beliavsky, we have no such conflict. It’s just a general house rule, and pretty much goes for unmarried, non-family members of any age. I would not invite a friend of the opposite sex in without my husband home. Just the way the house is. When they are in their own house or dorm room, they make the rules, but in our house, those are the rules. No one has actually complained.</p>
<p>We let the boys have girlfriends ( over 17) over as long as their parents were ok. I was much more worried about drinking and driving than I was about sex. In our social circle it’s fairly common for teenagers in committed relationships to sleep over at SO’s house even even when parents are home. I was raised that way and so I never had a problem with my children having sleepovers after they were juniors or seniors in high school.</p>
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<p>It’s not the same as telling them with words, but it sends a message. Letting your teenage kid and their bf/gf in your house alone implies “if you want to have sex, you can do it here.” Saying “sorry, but wait for someone else to be home” sets a different tone. You’re not saying absolutely no sex ever, just that you’re not going to help facilitate it. I think it’s more of an attitude thing. Like, my mom is completely aware that I can sleep over my boyfriend’s apartment any night in college. She doesn’t attempt to stop that but by not allowing it at home, she can still maintain a position as parent-not-best-friend.</p>
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<p>Really. It’s difficult enough to supervise teenagers when you are an adult, but seriously, teenagers lose control of their friends. I didn’t want my kids in that position. Now that my oldest is 22, she completely “gets” it, just like she gets why I didn’t let her wear whatever Britney Spears was wearing on stage to school, and why I didn’t let her play with a fork in the socket when she started to crawl.</p>
<p>My children would never say my H and I are their best friends! I am actually known as being fairly strict on a variety of issues, just not this one. In the big picture how and where they have sex as long as they are of legal age is not one that I care to supervise or weigh in on. Because I was raised in much the same way, to me this issue was NBD. My sons girlfriend’s family was perfectly comfortable having her stay over some nights and so were we. It’s not like they were having PDA’s in front of us. But OP, if it makes your family uncomfortable to have you alone in the house w your boyfriend then I think you should respect that. Your mom isvjust trying ton look out for you.
But every family is different and I can see where it would make some people uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I was raised by hippies. I was allowed to have boys spend the night in my room when I was in high school, if I wanted.</p>
<p>It was awful. I had to make up lies about my parents having rules so I could get privacy.</p>
<p>This is not to say my girls don’t have access to birth control, or that I am stupid, just that both of them got the message, from us, that sex was not something to take lightly.</p>
<p>OTOH, I have no issue with what other parents do, as long as it is okay with the other parents whose kids are involved.</p>
<p>Poet girl - you really felt itvwas awful? - I loved being able to have my high school boyfriend sleep over. Some of best memories of high school were from those sleepovers… And I’m not talking about sex. Just laying there in the dark talking and not having any curfew / parental angst was, for me, quite lovely and probably one of the best bits of my youth.</p>
<p>My girls maybe intimate with their BFs, but when they visit BF’s family home, I tell them that they should expect to have their own room, even if it meant the BF would have to sleep on a coach.</p>
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<p>Yeah, well, I hope your kids end up feeling the same way.</p>
<p>The other night, I came out into the family room and youngest and her boyfriend had fallen asleep on the couch. Woke him up and made sure he could drive home and sent him on his way. It was 2 am. She leaves for college in the fall. </p>
<p>I think that was more than enough to have just as many great memories as you. YMMV</p>
<p>Old fort- absolutely. My older boy spent significant on his SO’s parents’ spare room couch until maybe a few months ago. And they have been dating for more than 2 years! Now that their youngest daughter went off to college , they have shifted their rules and he is now in her room when he visits. But at our house I always ask the girls if they would like their own room and, so far, not one has taken me up on my offer…</p>
<p>Oh my kids, except for the youngest are all out of the house now and he and his SO have parted after a couple of years together so their are no more high school sleep overs in my life.</p>
<p>Parents’ House, Parents’ Rules. College Dorm, College Rules. Let Junior get out in the world and pay his own way and then he will get to make his own rules. That’s called motivation! Otherwise Junior might not feel the need to ever get out of Mom and Dad’s house.</p>
<p>My kids have been left alone at home for short periods of time since they were 12.
It’s their house too, IMO.
Everybody needs time alone.</p>
<p>My kids have been left home alone too. Did I miss something? I thought this was about boy/girlfriend guests.</p>
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<p>I think there’s something to be said for the South Korean way of discouraging teenaged sex and thereby the unwanted pregnancies that often arise from it: Don’t provide access to any venue or time whereby sex can easily take place between school aged children. For instance, in Korea, it’s not unheard of for multiple generations to reside in the same house. That’s Mom, Dad, one or more grandparents, and sometimes married siblings with their offspring. All in the same home. Grown children routinely live with their parents until marriage.</p>
<p>The concept of filial responsibility is apparently very strong in Korean culture. The idea that you have a responsibility to respect, honor, and care for all family members, and not bring shame or dishonor upon your household, is fundamental. Children are given to understand from very early on that their primary responsibility is to be filial children and diligent students. That’s why the Korean school day is incredibly long (ludicrously so, by American standards), with children often not arriving back home before 9pm or later (at which point, homework may still need to be done). But even if afternoons were free, there would likely to be someone at home: a parent, a grandparent, an adult sibling. Somebody. Dating, by the common American definition of the word, is often not experienced before a young person enters college. In high school, the closest thing to approximate a date is young people gathering in groups called “meeting”, and hanging out together doing planned activities. The start of sexual activity is commonly post-high school (sometimes post-college), with even a first kiss being experienced quite late by American standards. </p>
<p>Now I understand that most of us would find such social constraints and family structure suffocating to say the least, but it does make for the underpinnings of a very stable society; one which has helped facilitate Korea’s massive economic growth over the past quarter century, with education and an unstinting work ethic being the lynch pin. Often, I wish we would reappropriate just a small portion of that routine mindset here at home. But somewhere along the way, we began routinely sending the message to kids that their gratification (material, sexual, in all manner) is of primary importance… Okay, this is turning into a rant. My apologies.</p>
<p>DD has only recently (7 months?) acquired a BF. She’s 18 and leaving for college in August. We don’t have any rule that they can’t be home alone and in fact they have been several times. I consider her to be an adult who is now going to be making her own decisions on these matters. That said, we certainly haven’t progressed to the point of BF “sleepovers.”</p>
<p>Some times when you are home without other family members, you have guests with you.
Sometimes you don’t.
I don’t know for sure because they weren’t always there when I got home.
They were pretty good about leaving notes though. ( only youngest had cell phone when she was in high school- so it was notes not texting)
I was left home alone for a week when I was 16 & pitching a fit cause I didn’t want to go on vacation. I don’t even remember what I did.
Read probably. :)</p>