<p>By their senior year of HS, both of my children were dating guys who were older and who had their own apartments. We met both of these guys early on in the relationships and approved of them. Considering the amount of unsupervised time that they spent at their boyfriends apartments, it would have been a little silly to “ban” them from our house when we were not present. So, I guess it would be dependent on age for me. At 15 or 16, I would probably try to be present. By 17 or 18, it doesn’t really bother me so much.</p>
<p>" It made me uncomfortable not because I thought he would cheat, but because I think it is inappropriate."</p>
<p>But WHY is it “inappropriate”? This is what I don’t understand. If you don’t suspect cheating, there is no past relationship to even HINT at cheating, if there’s no biblical edict, then I don’t understand the inappropriateness. Do you also feel it is inappropriate for same-sex friends to spend time together if one is gay and the other in a committed relationship? Because if not, then the inappropriate argument kind of goes out the window, IMO.</p>
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Well, only when we think it’s wise to do so. This may be a different age for different kids.
Case in point.</p>
<p>Teens having sex may not be the worst thing they can do–but it is something parents would often like them to delay, and it’s something that even kids with no real problems might do in circumstances that might make it easy. So parents try not to provide those circumstances. I suspect many parents keep their liquor locked up for similar reasons.</p>
<p>I would add that parents often think their kids are too young to responsibly do certain things–even though in some cases the parents did those very things at a younger age. That doesn’t mean the parents are wrong about it, though.</p>
<p>sseamom,</p>
<p>I can understand why she would initially feel it’s inappropriate for her fiance to spend the day with his ex-girlfriend. But then consider that he is trustworthy, and that his friendship with this person went beyond romance and into a true friendship, and decide that it would be okay.</p>
<p>I don’t spend a lot of time asking my husband WHY a given situation might make him uncomfortable or WHY he might feel it’s inappropriate. If it would make him uncomfortable, and it’s not something I absolutely have to do I just don’t. Just because he’s more important. And he does the same for me.</p>
<p>It’s not really that important that ANYONE understand all the reasons. Not even me or him, really. If I can alleviate the pain with so little effort and sacrifice, then that’s what I do.</p>
<p>redhuntinghat,</p>
<p>I would say your friend is the exception. Usually kids get into more trouble in groups than they will alone.</p>
<p>If you are full of ice cream, you arent really looking for more are you?</p>
<p>As has been said before, what if my kid has the “urge” but has a moral dilemna about it. So because of this moral dilemna, doesn’t seek out the opportunity in the locker room or on the school trip because it’s too high risk.</p>
<p>But then I provide the perfect opportunity for my kid to “overlook” their moral dilemna" and give into the urge because I allow her boyfriend to hang out at our house while I’m not home. Things get carried away, one thing leads to another, yada yada yada.</p>
<p>I have 3 beautiful girls who went through high school making their own decisions to resist the “urge”. They’re all adults now, and they begin a new adventure, with new situations, and potentially new choices. I will continue to support their previous ideals (just because I like them and I can). I actually think they appreciate that we didn’t add pressure to their situation in high school. We probably made a lot of mistakes. I don’t think THAT was one of them.</p>
<p>Redhuntimghat. You say harsh, his mom and dad say “thanks”. I get the impression you are not yet the parent of teenagers. I assume you see yourself as older and more mature than I would see you. Parents are legally responsible for their kids. It’s just a fact</p>
<p>My kids didnt date in high school. Not that I forbid it, but they were so busy with school and their Ecs and their friends, that they didnt have time. ( or energy. Relationships take work & they already had enough social life)</p>
<p>From accidental eavesdropping and from other comments they made, I surmised that they had made a conscious choice not to be distracted from their goals at that time.
Hindsight made it a wise choice for them as then they didnt have issues that I read about on cC, dating long distance- turkey drop, etc.</p>
<p>Im sure that played into my not being concerned whether they had opposite sex friends over or not.</p>
<p>emeraldkity, our situation was much the same. We joked about not letting them date, but we did let each if them go out a couple of times. Never anything serious, though…just no time, really, to be TOO distracted by boys. </p>
<p>And then by senior year, the thought was, “How would any relationship be that meaningful when I’m leaving in just a few months. And why would I want a romantic relationship that is not meaningful. And wouldn’t that all just end in tears?!”</p>
<p>I’m really glad they thought that way.</p>
<p>We used to leave my kids home by themselves all the time because we trusted them more than we trusted other adults. They kept the house clean, did their homework, even shoveled the driveway when there was a foot of snow on the ground one time. They never had anyone over or told other people they were home alone. The problem of having other kids around when we are not home is they may decide to do things my kids wouldn’t want to do - drink, do drugs…My kids would have to become the police or join them. It is much harder for a 16 year old to say no to friends than a more mature young adult. We just didn’t want to put our kids in that position.</p>
<p>Oldfort - agreed.</p>
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</p>
<p>That’s pretty offensive, actually.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t deny DD the first love experience she has had over the past 7 months for the sake of not having a turkey drop.</p>
<p>Sorry you’re offended. It wasn’t about you or your kids. It was about my kids and what they wanted. I didn’t deny them anything. They made those decisions because of what they wanted and didn’t want out of a relationship.</p>
<p>I certainly did not keep them from having a romantic interest or relationship.</p>
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<p>How is another young person’s decision not to get romantically involved with another person in any way “offensive” to you? How does this affect you and why would you have any opinion on someone else’s decision not to become romantically involved while in high school?!</p>
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<p>But the OP’s question referenced not simply “opposite sex friends” who you know are not romantic interests, but an actual “boyfriend/girlfriend” scenario. That’s potentially quite different.</p>
<p>xaniamom, I don’t begrudge your daughter her fun relationship.</p>
<p>I was quite the one for casual (not lifetime) romantic flings when I was in high school.</p>
<p>My D’s, the 2nd one in particular, are very sensitive and have strong feelings about the whole thing - so they made their decisions accordingly.</p>
<p>In retrospect, my affinity for being “flighty” was a whole lot of fun in the moment, but led to a lot of heartache and some degree of regret on several fronts.</p>
<p>So I’m glad my girls thought it through and made a decision that worked for them, instead of just going through it all willy-nilly like I did.</p>
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<p>I think that’s kind of the hallmark of parenting. You make the best situation you can given the individual kid’s circumstances, various beliefs and values shared by the parents, and any given situation as it presents itself at the time.</p>
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<p>There is no “right” or “wrong” stance here. What works for one family might be a mistake for another. Parents have to make decisions based on what works for their own family. What other people do really doesn’t and shouldn’t come into play in general. </p>
<p>Many of the decisions parents make with regard to dating have little to do with the “discomfort” associated with realizing their kids are beings with sexual desires and more to do with helping teens avoid the negative consequences of impulsive behavior. You don’t have to agree with or approve of other parents’ policies; you are free to make your own decisions and live with the consequences, as all parents do.</p>
<p>
It’s not their “decision” that’s offensive. It’s the judgement being made about everyone else’s relationships and their advisability or worth.<br>
DD is not exactly what I would call “flighty”. But thanks for furthering clarifying your judgmental viewpoint.</p>
<p>@cromette: </p>
<p>“You obviously don’t know how strongly I feel about ice cream.” </p>
<p>Hahaha, that made me laugh 
fair enough</p>