<p>So it is time to write thank you notes, and as I am reading up on etiquette, I am finding some conflicting viewpoints about something: whether or not to write thank you notes to those who attended, but did not bring a gift.</p>
<p>So these are the three camps I am seeing, and I am not sure which one is right:</p>
<p>-Write thank you notes to everyone who attended the wedding. (Do members of family units need to be thanked with individual cards?)
-Write thank you notes only to those who brought a gift; writing a thank you note to someone who didn’t is unnecessary.
-Write thank you notes to ONLY those who brought a gift; writing a thank you note to someone who didn’t can be seen as guilting them for not providing a gift/trying to remind them to give a gift. </p>
<p>Also, there are two other issues I have:</p>
<p>1) I have a mystery gift and I am worried someone’s feelings will be hurt when they don’t receive a thank you for it. I checked with the place of the registry and they said they could not tell me who sent it. There are numerous non gift-givers (totally understandable because lots of people had to travel) so I can’t isolate it to a particular person. I’ve tried asking close relatives if they noticed anyone carrying the distinctive box but nobody did. </p>
<p>2) Everything I’ve been reading online says that you should state how you intend to use monetary gifts. The truth is that I don’t know and we are generally trying to be as frugal as possible at the moment. There are a few items we do intend to purchase in the near future for the household, but generally we are trying to sit on any extra money we have right now. Is it okay to say something generic that we are putting it away/saving it for the future? A downpayment on a house isn’t in the cards for a long time, and we definitely don’t intend to make any big-ticket purchases in the near or even foreseeable future (aside from new tires for his car, which he badly needs).</p>
<p>Personally I would only send thank yous to people who brought gifts. I’ve never heard of sending them to people who simply attended (didn’t you pay for a reception and food and drink for them already?) but if you have the time, it’s a nice idea.</p>
<p>For thank you notes for cash, I would go with the generic use for the money. I remember saying we were saving for a couch.</p>
<p>I too had a gift from an unknown guest – two guests had the same last name and the store didn’t remember which person bought what. I ended up saying “if you gave me the vase, I love it. If you gave me the bowl, it’s beautiful.”</p>
<p>Well Miss Manners says that even if guests have traveled in order to attend your wedding, you dont have to write a thank you note, ( possibly because sending a note without a gift acknowledgement may indicate that a gift was expected)</p>
<p>I expect since you are sending the thank you notes shortly, that word will get around to the giver of the mystery gift & they will contact you.</p>
<p>I also have never heard of sending thank you notes to all who attended. Frankly, how would you really catch them - not all sign any book (if a sign in book was even left). I think the only thank you notes that should be sent are to those who did bring a gift. </p>
<p>For the mystery package - that’s frustrating!!! Hopefully they will hear about it and get back with you!</p>
<p>We had a mystery package when we got married 36 years ago. We put out the word through families (no Facebook then) that all thank you notes had been sent and if you did not receive one to let us know. No one volunteered that they were the ones that had sent it. To this day we don’t know who did and we know someone out there thinks we were not raised properly. Nothing else you can do though except get the word out that a card was separated from a gift.</p>
<p>You can write a little note to the people who didn’t bring a gift that just says, “I’m so happy you were able to join us at our wedding–it meant so much to Herman and me to have you there.” This is not a thank-you note, and doesn’t guilt anybody–but the person who sent the mystery gift may read it as a thank you note.</p>
<p>For those who sent money, I’d say, “We plan to blow it all on riotous living, as I’m sure you intended.” But that’s just me.</p>
<p>32 years ago my wife was writing thank you notes for our wedding gifts when she got to one of my many cousins and could not find or remember a gift from them. I said it was inconceivable that they would not send a gift and told her to write a thank you note, "Thank you for thinking of us… " Years later they told us they didn’t send us a gift because they never got an invitation!!! oops! I think we all got over it.</p>
<p>Back when I got married (the 80s) the custom was to send a thank you with a wallet sized picture of the bride and groom. I sent one to everybody (although I don’t think I had any non-gift givers.) I think if I attended a wedding and did not send a gift I would still want a picture and would appreciate a thank you for sharing our special day with us note?</p>
<p>No one is going to complain that they got a thank you note they didn’t deserve! </p>
<p>We had a disaster with the packages at our wedding–massive wind tore most of the cards off as they were being transferred to the car. We were VERY grateful to the people who had notes inside the packages, and we did a lot of asking people who sent what as we got it sorted out. That was before email… if we’d had email, I think I would have sent out a note saying “we have a mystery package containing a wonderful <blank>–does anyone know who sent it?”</blank></p>
<p>As for thank yous for money, I would say something like “we’re squirreling it away as we get settled” which lets you off the hook for a long time…</p>
<p>I think for money it’s fine to say something along the lines of “thanks so much for your generous gift. It will greatly help us as we start out on our lives together” or something of that nature.</p>
<p>D and her H have a mystery gift. it was delivered early and they have not found any note or been able to match it up with someone, as far as I have heard. Always seems to be one!</p>
<p>Perhaps the mystery gift giver will contact you when they don’t get a thank you note! Years ago I sent a gift to a distant relative that was never acknowledged ( I was unable to attend the wedding). I was glad I asked another relative to check; the store had shipped the gift, but it had never arrived.</p>
<p>Julie, we have all enjoyed “helping” with your wedding. It has been a fun and joyful thread. I think that I would send a nice note to those who attended the wedding but did not send a gift. I would thank them for sharing in your special day as you exchanged your vows, I don’t believe that this would make them uncomfortable, rather it would acknowledge that you were thankful to share this joyous occasion with them.</p>
<p>I don’t think it is at all necessary to send thank you notes to people who didn’t give you a gift, but it would certainly be a nice gesture to send a note saying that you and your H were glad they could join you.</p>
<p>Regarding the mystery gift: mine was the mystery item at one wedding. The B&G were both very punctilious, so I knew it must have become separated from the card. Eventually I inquired delicately through a mutual friend, and immediately received a note saying that they were so glad to have the mystery cleared up! That was the only time I made the mistake of bringing a gift with me instead of either having it sent or giving it person in advance. (The wedding was in the bride’s home town, and I left it at the house of the PsOB).</p>
<p>This past Christmas I sent gifts to three nieces and their families from Amazon. After not hearing a word, I eventually mentioned it to one of them, who similarly was glad to have the mystery gift cleared up. So were the other two. Apparently when I said no gift wrap, they also omitted the messages I’d entered for each one.</p>
<p>Thank you so much your for advice and expertise! I think I will go with Miss Manners on this one, because I do have relatives that tend to look for drama wherever they can find it. </p>
<p>Also, the mystery gift was solved! I remembered a conversation with my BIL in which he mentioned a grater, and lo and behold that was one of the items in the mystery gift. I didn’t really think much of just getting a card from him and his girlfriend because they had already done a TON to help with the wedding, but now I see that the card at one time accompanied a gift. I confirmed the distinctive wrappings with him. Now I don’t have to worry about anybody’s feelings getting hurt - at least not by this. Hooray!</p>
<p>I’d also really like to thank you all for the continued support throughout this process. I am constantly learning to navigate the world of adult etiquette and social graces that I was not taught growing up. It’s been a learning experience and all of you have really helped me out.</p>
<p>VeryHappy - I can’t say for sure for every poster here, but I read a lot more of these threads than I post in. Odds are good that there is a tidbit of information in my head that came from any person reading this, so I really am grateful for it. </p>
<p>Also, I think I can serve as a lesson to many that if you encounter a young person who you think should know better in regards to etiquette or manners, there’s always the chance that he or she was never raised to know better. I’m getting better as I age and learn more, but there are many things I never learned until I started reading this forum - just absolutely clueless, no idea that they were expectations or norms among any social circle.</p>
<p>As the link in #13 mentions, I would also keep in mind that some guests may not have wanted to inconvenience you or themselves while traveling with a gift wrapped box or risk it getting lost at the reception. They may still intend to send something now that they are back home. </p>
<p>I would really be quite surprised to hear that you had “numerous non-gift givers” though. Hopefully nothing was lost.</p>
The B&G were both very punctilious, so I knew it must have become separated from the card. Eventually I inquired delicately through a mutual friend, and immediately received a note saying that they were so glad to have the mystery cleared up! That was the only time I made the mistake of bringing a gift with me instead of either having it sent or giving it person in advance. (The wedding was in the bride’s home town, and I left it at the house of the PsOB).</p>