Yes, counseling helped me a lot as I have dealt with the mental illness in our family along with the nephew we lost. Plus issues related to being raised in a fundamentalist Christian household (my parents are wonderful people, but that aspect of my upbringing was not good). My therapists have helped me learn how to move forward on a day to day basis.
One thing I wanted to mention - it is not unusual that the child who takes care of the elderly parents, even if they weren’t abusive, is the one crapped on, and the others are the golden ones. I don’t really know why, but it’s a common phenomenon that I’ve seen among my friends and even my mother.
@rockvillemom , one thing that worked for us (and again, my childhood was not at all abusive, so your situation is different) is that, when my mother got on my nerves, my husband took over. He’d take her to appointments if he could or stop in after work in my stead. She thought he walked on water, while I couldn’t do anything well enough.
Just realized that this is the longest stretch in my ENTIRE LIFE of not speaking to either parent. My father has given me the silent treatment for a few months several times, but I always stayed in touch with my mother. Kind of weird.
@rockvillemom - how much energy may eventually be freed up by not having to walk on eggshells or try to accommodate vast emotional needs daily? Weird sensation, but full of potential.
I think of my parents, and most elderly, as “toddlers with life experience and money” making them much more unbearable at times than toddlers.
Hope you feel better and don’t let this ruin your holidays…
I am sorry for your family situation. Posts like yours remind me of the sheer feeling of immense relief I felt when my parents died when I was FIFTY! All of my friends IRL seem to have FB relationships with their parents and I just couldn’t explain that I didn’t feel sad. There was no funeral, memorial or shiva. I don’t even know where their ashes are, although I assume my sister has them.
My dad was a classic narcissist and my mom an enabler. Everything was about them. I could share stories but those of us who grew up in that type of family knows the drill and I don’t want to thread jack and those who didn’t find it hard to believe.
@rockvillemom: Congratulations on going this long without speaking to them. What I wish for you next is to stop remarking (either outloud or internally) on how long it has been, so it just is.
re #221 ( @Chevda ) My dear sweet mother was convinced that the brother and his wife she lived with hated her. They didn’t, but she was exasperating. It wasn’t her fault - a lot of anxiety came with her final illness. I had her here for a week to give them a break and it was exhausting. My sil was a saint in my eyes, and I told her so after experiencing my Mom for a week. And she wasn’t abusive, or mean in any way.
Sorry you are going through this.
Exactly - some of it is just so crazy - my father had so many rules to follow - I didn’t know that was not normal. He always puts himself first in any situaion - my mother is a second class citizen who needs permission from him. I actually asked her recently if she was living in Saudi Arabia, but I don’t think she understood.
I found this advice on-line from Psychology Today by Leon F. Seltzer, PHD who has written numerous articles about narcisstic personalities. The article is long (and he has many) so I just paraphrase the main points.
Maybe you’ll agree or not but it made sense to me. I do think a lot of this may work well.
His preference is no interaction because it is a losing fight but of course that isn’t possible for many people especially when dealing with family.
So to protect yourself:
Don’t react to them (a narcissist) no matter what they say.
Remember that what they say and do reflects on them, not you.
Practice not taking comments personally. (This is tough but gets a LOT easier when the blinders come off).
This sounds very similar to the “bug study” technique.
Stay clear of “can’t win” battles that are their forte, you can simply “mmm-hmm” (bug study and the “repeat back” technique) them.
–you won’t win anything from confrontation in those cases.
Major confrontation is usually pointless because in their minds you are to blame no matter your argument and their reaction is unjustified rage (which you have no control over and will be directed at you. They simply claim “I’m right”).
Keep them flattered enough so they’ll be less inclined to pick on you.
(I’ll admit I figured this one on my own long ago–it became a game).
Seltzer says they want flattery most of all so go ahead and give it to them. Give them more credit that they deserve.
He admits this is can be seen as very disingenuous and manipulative on your part but who is manipulating who here?
So, unless you feel your integrity is just too much compromised (considering their bad behavior),
compliment them and make them look good
And he says for yourself-- You are working with a toxic person and you need to start to making YOU the judge of your actions (not the opinions of people who have manipulated you for years into doing what THEY want you to do.)
Not easy and takes time. Support from other people helps a lot.
I agree, cannot win any disagreement with my father. If he cannot support his position logically, he belittles me as as female. So, there’s just no point going there.
My father has planned his funeral down to the last detail and written his eulogy. Planning is good, but it also conveys he does trust my mother or me to handle it. Control freak to the bitter end. When we were going over it, I suggested that my mother could have a few friends ride with her in the limo (older women who might not drive) and we would follow in our own car. Nope, he dictated who rides in the limo. Who can argue with someone who needs to control transportation to their own funeral?
^He won’t know. Maybe mix it up and do something completely different. That’s what one of our family members did. The guy ended up with a Native American ceremony. Zero meaning or relationship to the actual departed But the SIL liked.
Exactly. He’ll be dead. Put whoever you want in the limo, whoever will make your mom more comfortable. 
Yeah… but mom might still be conditioned to do what he says, dead or otherwise. Who knows?
It will be interesting. My mother calls him “Daddy” when she talks to me - as in Daddy said this or Daddy did that. I have asked her to stop - I have not called him “Daddy” since I was a child. So - when a grown woman calls her husband “Daddy” when speaking to her 50+ daughter - who knows. I fully assume that after he does finally die, she will still be quoting him, as in “Daddy” would have wanted this, etc.
One of my parents’ benchmarks for a good funeral is for the adult children to each speak movingly of the departed parent. Not happening.
Has he scripted out what he each wants you to say as well? 
I actually have not opened the sealed eulogy envelope, so who knows.
It will be so cathartic to bury those letters with him, or burn them.
Wow, that is delusional. I’d refuse to speak. You can pretend you are too heartbroken and say you wouldn’t be able to get through it or something.
Sealed eulogy envelope?! Dang. Your dad has a PhD in Control Freak!
So here’s what you should do when the time comes and he passes away:
If YOU are the one to read the eulogy, you should write it with whatever you want to put in it. Attend the funeral and do the eulogy. Wait until he’s in the ground and then maybe a couple of days later…THEN you open up that sealed eulogy envelope and read it.
OR instead of reading it a couple of days after the funeral, just burn it without looking at it at all.
Re: who rides in the limo…
Don’t listen to your dad on any of that stuff. Just placate him and say “Ok, Dad” or “No problem, Dad, we can do that.” And then when he dies, you go ahead and have anybody your mom wants in the limo with her. He’s going to be dead at that point and he’s not going to care.
My anal-retentive controlling mother wrote a letter to her sister before she died. She gave instructions to my dad to not mail it to her estranged sister until after she had died. So about 6 weeks after my mom died, my aunt received this letter in the mail in my mom’s handwriting. My aunt should have burned the letter and destroyed it. But curiosity killed the cat, so she opened it and read it.
It was awful. Truly horrible. The letter was full of hatred. My mother ended the letter with “I hate you and I hope you go to hell.” So the very last words that she had for her sister were full of so much negativity.
My dad didn’t know what was in the letter, but given how much my mom had complained about her sister in the years before my mom died, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that maybe my dad shouldn’t have mailed the letter. Or maybe he should have just read what was in the letter first.
But he didn’t. He did as she told him to.
I wouldn’t be surprised if at your dad’s funeral, your mom decides to follow all of your dad’s instructions to the letter.