Although it’s worth thinking about how to handle things after your dad dies, it sounds like you’re really in crisis right now. It was a great idea to take a break from parents right now but it sounds like you have completely overwhelming feelings about them.
Several posters have mentioned books that helped them deal with impossible family members. That might be a good place to start, while you take your break from them.
What if the eulogy envelope was lost in the commotion. That would be sad.
RVM–pretty sure it won’t matter–don’t think your dad will have a final say. This is time to nod- and say “whatever you want. Sounds good to me (but makes no sense so it’ll probably be changed…).”…I do sympathize.
To everyone’s surprise, MIL died before FIL. Do you know what kind of service your mother wants? Maybe your dad will insist on planning it anyway so it doesn’t matter.
Just saying. My grandmother’s narcissism became intolerable as she aged. The target, to me, was always my mother and she could rant for an hour. (Until she was much older, I was not a target. Then it was, “You people.” I still have a shudder when I hear that used.)
But complimenting sometimes backfired. “You’re right” could trigger a litany of tales of who did her wrong, details, quotes, rising steam.
I loved her for the good when I was younger. Initially, when she started, I could change the subject. Later, that angered her. It took me about four years after her death to get past that knot in my stomach, set aside a sort of PTSD.
This is why I suggest disengaging. If Mom calls, after 60 seconds, the doorbell rings or the pot is boiling over or whatever it takes to close the conversation.
^That would be perfect. Let us know if you’d like the traditional Native American ceremony for dad then. The SIL did a good job with that.
I’m actually pretty calm. My aunt, sister, DH and sons all agree with me to varying degree - no one is pressuring me or criticizing me. I’m surprised it took me 54 years to snap. Sometimes the straw that breaks the camel’s back seems minor, but it has more to do with everything that built up beforehand.
I have read a number of books about how to deal with toxic parents and so forth, but I don’t want to deal with them. I am opting out. Every previous time they pushed me to my limit, they pulled me back in using guilt and decades of control. And the Thanksgiving episode just did something I can’t even articulate. I just wanted to enjoy a meal with DH and my sons - who might be home simultaneously once or twice a year - and they ruined it with a tantrum over booth vs table.
My mother can do whatever she wants re his funeral. I don’t care. I am sure she will deliver the eulogy - just the way he wanted - outlining all of his inflated accomplishments. My silence and my sister’s silence will speak volumes. We get the final word, through silence.
"It will be interesting. My mother calls him “Daddy” when she talks to me - as in Daddy said this or Daddy did that. I have asked her to stop "
I totally get it. “Daddy” is a term of endearment (in our family at least) that you can’t accept. And you don’t need to.
Draw your own boundaries.
On a MUCH lighter note and about planning funerals (and BTW people do–it doesn’t seem to be so weird these days)–
My BFF mom wanted "When the Saint’s Come Marching In " played at her funeral. How hard is that?
Shoulda been a piece of cake!
OMG–the organist seemingly NEVER EVER heard it before–the tempo and rhythm were so off it was near to unrecognizable–nobody could follow it. Out of tune, ragged. AWFUL. Just AWFUL.
And then we laughed. My friend could only say afterwards… “Mom woulda loved it.”.
Glad she found it funny.
My father picked out a $7000 casket - he didn’t want anyone attending the funeral to think he was cheap or could not afford a nice casket. Does anyone else even think about what funeral attendees will think of the casket?
Anyway, despite the fact that he has been telling us he is dying and using that as a means of control for at least the past 5 years - he is still among the living.
“Does anyone else even think about what funeral attendees will think of the casket?”
People must. There are lots of fancy caskets out there and they do sell.
hugs RVM.
I have been reading, and hurting for you.
Thanks to everyone posting,
I am learning tactics to deal with a narcissistic, bipolar, unmarried, no kids late-70s aunt.
She is the last surviving sibling of my mother and has been haunting me, my sibs and cousins (and even our kids when/if they answer her call).
" Sometimes the straw that breaks the camel’s back seems minor, "
Sometimes it’s that tiny crack of light that finally shows through the rock.
Seeing my son apologize would have been my straw for sure.
If my kids can take charge, so can I.
Or that they can tell a $7,000 one from a $900 one from Costco…
Another reason to forget about the inheritance and avoid letting it be used to manipulate you. He may spend it down on the funeral.
@rockvillemom Still no word from them? This is the longest period of silence ever from them? Sounds peaceful.
Unless he buys the $7000 casket ahead of time, there is no telling what could happen if you and sis were left in charge.
One day about 8 years before my mother died I made the decision to figure out what was wrong with her.
At that time the DSM-4 had the same list. The DSM-5 is used by insurance agencies to diagnose. The medical
and psychology fields use it for diagnosis and for a way to describe behavior.
My mother ticked every box. I then began reading books about narcissism. She behaved horribly until
her dying day. The relief felt through the majority of our family was amazing. Not surprisingly my younger
estranged sister is from the same mold and was heartbroken as mother had been quietly feeding her money for
decades.
Knowledge set me free emotionally. I was able to come to terms with much of the past and continued to
keep her at arms length. I was able to see when she was baiting me and trying to make me feel guilty.
Sometimes I almost laughed.
Two things that have been invaluable–
I wrote out a few of our dialogues. They are hysterical and if I ever decide to be a stand up comedian
I have my first act. Second, I asked myself to name the worst thing that she ever said/did.
What she said was so cruel about my new baby that I cannot write it here. When I wonder if I could have done anything differently that comment is my reality check.
Thank you for posting. I think many here appreciate it.
The DSM-5 indicates that persons with NPD usually display some or all of the following symptoms, typically without the commensurate qualities or accomplishments:[7][10]
Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
Needing continual admiration from others
Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
Pompous and arrogant demeanor
Casket models change from time to time. You might not even be able to get what he wants when the time comes.
And others are right that your mom might go first. That is what happened in my family, and my dad was in no way prepared for it.
@oregon101 She said something cruel about your baby!!! That is the line in the sand.
Yes, yes, yes to all.
His eulogy will all be about his military service (he was drafted - never left the US - attended Army finance school - worked in the payroll office) and his illustrious career (state college accountant) - his version of accomplishments is highly inflated.
Ten years ago, I took them furniture shopping and they bought a sofa bed and a recliner. He bragged about that purchase for months, as if the store had never experienced a customer coming in and buying in one shot, without multiple visits and comparison shopping.
Last year, my mother fell and her friend called an ambulance. When the EMTs arrived, they recognized my father and said so. Then it became all about him. He bragged for months how they had remembered him. His version of Cheers.
They have 2 restaurants they frequent weekly, because the wait staff make a fuss over them, let him pick the booth he wants and let him keep his walker right next to the booth. He loves the attention.
Rules do not apply to him, particularly when they come from women. He had a full fledged tantrum melt down in a dr office a few years back when he wanted a Tamiflu prescription. He did not have the flu. The nurse tried to explain that it was in short supply and they did not hand out prescriptions to someone who was not ill. He yelled and carried on until the dr relented and gave it to him. He bragged about this for months - saw it as a success.
He thinks he has more money than anyone. He commented recently about a woman at the deli counter buying a small quantity of luncheon meat, assuming that was all she could afford. When I suggested that perhaps she lived alone and just wanted enough for one sandwich he scoffed.
“Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
Needing continual admiration from others
Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
Unwilling to empathize with the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
Intensely envious of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
Pompous and arrogant demeanor”
One more - the tv/dvd player. They needed a new tv last year, so DH and I volunteered to go to Best Buy, buy it, bring it over and set it up, which we did. The funny part was he insisted on a tv with a built in dvd player. Because he has 1 dvd he likes to play - his retirement party. He loves watching the tributes and speeches and watches it regularly. He had risen to business office director by retirement. One of his staff called him a “benevolent dictator” in secret. When he found out, he loved it. I think the retirement party was a hit because he was leaving.
My parents went to a talk for the seniors of their parish about planning for funerals. They filled out a form and it’s on file with the church I think. My mother was in heaven that she got to pick the songs and that it didn’t cost anything and the women’s group would provide a small lunch. My father has his all planned out because he’s the grand knight in the nights of columbus. When anyone in the Knights dies, the phone tree starts and they decide what to wear (tuxes or not) and to what level the ceremony will be. It takes days and days to resolve.
My grandfather wanted a very simple funeral (“if a pine box was good enough for Eisenhower, it’s good enough for me”) but my father and uncle took over and bought a more expensive casket. It’s very easy for the funeral director to start ‘suggesting’ flower packages and silk linings, etc. I’m with Grampy, a pine box is fine.
I’m happy to go along with whatever anyone else plans because I really don’t care if they go with the white casket or the mahogany one, with the carnations or the roses. And if I want to change anything I will because they are dead.