A relative of mine was a very nasty, controlling man, who browbeat his wife for years. At his funeral, the priest (who had visited him in the hospital before he died) read a detailed apology from the man to his wife chronicling all the years of abuse. It was shocking to the mourners, and humiliating for the poor widow. Note that he didn’t apologize when he was alive, but left it for the funeral. That way he wouldn’t have to change his ways, in case he lived. I don’t know if this was a parting shot to his wife, or if he thought this apology would buy him salvation. I think the priest was an idiot to pull this surprise out during the homily.
@rockvillemom I should not be laughing but the retirement party on repeat. Just play that as a eulogy.
A lot of it is sadly funny. I mean, you can’t make this stuff up.
Good fodder for a novel or screenplay, for sure.
Ha. My mom vehemently opposed playing Amazing Grace at my brother’s funeral 10 years ago. Said it was lugubrious and she hated it. When she died 2 years ago, my dad was SURE she had said she loved it, and insisted it be played. We shrugged and went along. Didn’t hurt to give him his way that time.
@rockvillemom I think you could make a kil!ing here. Maybe a dark comedy.
Speaking of “dark” comedy, when I visited 2 weeks ago, my mother was sitting in the kitchen in the dark. She was trying to read at the counter and had a desk lamp plugged in. I asked why she did not have the overhead kitchen lights on. She responded that “Daddy” did not want a bulb to burn out since he was no longer able to get on a step ladder and change the bulb. I reminded her that they live in a condo with a very nice maintenance man who would change the bulb. No dice. She sits in the dark.
My MIL called my mom two days before our wedding and blasted her out about “something”. My mom couldn’t even figure out what she was talking about. Asked me about it. No clue. Bad enough though that my mom wouldn’t even tell me a word of what she spoke and asked me if I knew what kind of family I was marrying into.
And did I still want to even get married? (my mom was serious)…
My reply was I was marrying a great guy, not his family and no DNA involved on that level… not a good experience.
A few years later she did the exact same thing to SIL. Almost ended that wedding with same tactic. Glad I was there to recognize it.
@VeryHappy That is correct. My SIL’s baby girl died, and MIL said that she had “been to enough funerals in her life” and declined to attend. SIL is a much better Christian than I am because even though it was her child, she forgave her, (although she has set healthy boundaries with her.) I still think ill of my MIL, I’m sorry to say.
This thread reminded me of MIL’s “readings.” She was diagnosed with breast cancer about ten years ago (is fine now) and wanted to keep us updated. Great. But the only way she was willing to give us information was to write up lengthy discourses. They came to about eight pages, double-spaced (very thorough – “Do you know what the endocrine system does?” Well, she’ll tell you.). She made copies for the kids, DH, herself, me. She’d come over, hand them out, and we’d sit at the dining room table while she read to them to us in their entirety.
DH gave the kids a pass, and when one of them decided to sit out a subsequent event, DH refused to send for him when MIL said she’d wait until we were all there and prepared for her. So she gave us a brusque couple of sentences, handed us the envelopes of material unceremoniously, and left, resentful.
I still feel a trapped, desperate flood of laughter bubble inside me when anyone mentions the endocrine system.
That is hilarious. There is one my father has never thought of.
(RVM–I’d just call maintenance and tell mom “they’ll be here tomorrow”.to fix the bulb.
My mom and dad were so used to doing things for themselves they wouldn’t even consider it.)
Your dad probably reviews his finances with you twice a year as a way to brag about how rich/successful he is versus so you will know where everything is located.
Yes, I am sure that is part of the appeal. I get that they both came from humble homes and have done well, but he is so overly impressed with himself. My father has been retired for 25 years and collects a nice pension from the state of NJ. He brags about his pension incessantly, knowing neither DH or I have one. My sons have said it should be a drinking game - drink every time he says “pension”.
@gouf78 - we would happily stop by and change the bulb for them. The fact that he can forbid my mother from using the light and she goes along with it? Blows my mind.
Maybe you could turn the whole thing into a drinking game! Or bingo…
Yeah, but you don’t have to be the ones on the white horse, coming to change an overhead bulb, if there’s a maintenance person. You can spare yourselves that trip, that interaction.
Parent bingo! Too funny. Reminds me of that Roz Chast book about her parents.
Let’s all meet for coffee and exchange unbelievable stories! I will buy.
My second two best memories that I use as my reality checks (as was I understanding
the situation correctly?):
Mom had a granddaughter whose parents where divorced so she demanded that at least
1-2 weeks of the summer this kid visited her. This was because of her sense of ownership.
She in the end did like this child although she expected her to sit around most of every day.
Mom had not seen adult G’D for five years and stopped to see her on a trip.
First words out of my mother’s mouth as G’D opened the door—“When did you get so fat!!!”
She actually told me that she said this. Sorta of knew she should not have–just only sort of.
Second is that she gave me money to buy a ring for her when I was 23 and lived
for a few months in Italy. The morning of our D’s HS graduation she handed a box to
me ( age 50) and :
“You bought this for me in Italy and I always hated it. I could have killed you for buying this”.
Literally flapping her arms like a chicken.
GOOD MEMORIES!!! 
:))
My father also constantly brags. It’s rather sickening, repetitive, and really somewhat pathetic. However, we do mock him incessantly…so he probably regrets it! I guess I’m glad that after all the grief we give him, he never gets overly offended, and still carries on with us. My sister/nieces are never going to forgive me for buying him a cell phone and teaching him how to text. In person, he’s just fine, but on the iPhone, the monster comes out.
Moral of the story…don’t get your dad an iPhone and teach him how to text!!! You think your life is miserable now, just imagine if you had it all on text 
It’s good to know I am not the only one. Meanwhile, the record setting silence continues…