@intparent My family knows if “Amazing Grace” is played at my funeral, I will haunt them forever! I kind of want “Born to Run” or “We Got the Beat” but not sure how that would go over in our Episcopal church 
@lookingforward - they live 15 minutes away - a weekend stop in to check on them and check a lightbulb is not a big deal. I don’t mind helping them out. I just have to figure out how to establish new rules. Calling once a week is fine, I do not need a daily minutiae report. If they have a problem and want my help and will let me handle, fine. But the pattern of bugging me daily re an issue and then criticizing how I handled it and re-solving the problem is a waste of my time. And no more restaurant meals - his behavior is too unpredictable - and the conversation too centered on him and repetitive.
Ok, the truth is after 8 days, I kind of miss them. Crazy.
Props to you @rockvillemom for your insight. Bottom line: Play by YOUR rules. If YOU feel like getting back in touch, think hard about your expectations, your boundaries, your elevator speech, etc. etc. Do what works for you. Shut down what doesn’t work for you. Doesn’t matter if the first move is yours or theirs, just how you manage it. If you decide to reach out, maybe they’ll shut you down. That’s information. Maybe they’ll suck you in. You need to know how far is acceptable for you. Brace for all possible outcomes, then do what YOU want.
That’s amazing that your dad’s favorite DVD to watch is the one of his retirement party, where everyone is fawning all over him. Classic narcissist move.
You and the rest of your family could totally do Bingo the next time you get together with your dad. That could actually be fun.
Or take bets on how long your dad can last until he says something passive-aggressive.
He doesnt sound passive aggressive. He sounds overtly aggressive.
Ok, I caved. Called. My mother answered and sounded very happy to hear from me. Very neutral quick conversation. I did set one boundary by telling her not to bug me with repeated calls re getting together in December - that I would be in touch when I knew my sons’ schedules and when they will be home. I need to discuss with them and DH what they want to do - maybe we pick up food and go to my parents so there is no possible restaurant scene. I feel better. I never wanted to sever contact, just dial it down.
Thank you all so much for getting me through this. I know there are plenty of challenges in front of me in dealing with them, but I do not have to be a doormat.
Congrats on setting your limits.
We are here when you need us.
What a gift to you, DH and your sons, @rockvillemom: a holiday season that works for your immediate family, on your terms. “Priceless”! Cheers to you.
I’m glad you called. I never spoke back to my parents (they weren’t like yours) but I snapped at my dad and he died 2 weeks later before we spoke again. That was 26 years ago and it still bothers me.
Agree with the boundaries though. Maybe a once/week check in call
Perfect! Congratulations @rockvillemom!
And putting a boundary on myself that I am not responsible for solving every minor issue. My mother has a hard time shopping - she does not drive - and if my father drives her to the mall - he has to sit and wait for her - and gives her a set time to do what she wants and return. So, knowing this, I take her shopping several times a year.
Well, in our brief call this morning she mentioned ordering a pair of pants from ll bean - sounds innocuous, right? Not really. A new ll bean just opened very close to them and she had asked me to take her. I had told her I would, in January, after holiday shopping traffic is diminished. Apparently she decided not to wait and ordered from catologue. Nothing she orders ever fits well, she is about 4’9" and tiny, yet curvy, if that makes sense. But you know what? Not my problem. If they fit, don’t fit, need tailoring, need to be returned, whatever, not my problem. Being there in a crisis does not include ill-advised catologue purchases.
If they don’t fit, she can return them at the nearby store after the holiday rush (if she wants you to run them to the post office or something for her in Dec).
For the record IMO you DIDN’T cave when you called. You took control of the situation and set limits that work for you. Kudos.
I appreciate that, thank you.
@rockvillemom , I haven’t piped up yet but have been reading this whole thread. Just wanted to say that even with parents like that, somehow YOU have turned out to be a kind, thoughtful, and rational person–from what I can infer here! And that you have kind and thoughtful sons (and funny–drinking game bingo!). Whatever you’ve done thus far in life, you seem to have broken the narcissism chain … you are free … your sons are free. Hugs to you!
You know what @rockvillemom. In your absence your mother figured out how to order something off the internet instead of having you be in the middle. Maybe she called the people at LL Bean but you know what I mean.
Your mother has perfected being the helpless victim here also. I get that she has been told that she can’t do anything right and has had years of this. But when push came to shove, she figured out the solution to something.
Took a little bravery from this thread and just called out my dad on a racist comment when he called today. Just told him to stop saying because it is racist, and then went in with the rest of the conversation. A few seconds of stunned silence on his end, then continued to chat cordially for a few more minutes.
@jollymama - thank you. One of the things I have really worked on is being a very different parent. I have always spoken to my sons in a respectful manner and they know we can disagree or even argue, and then put it aside with no lasting repercussions. Last year, my older son, who was 25 at the time, told me I was making too many suggestions. I thanked him for telling me and modified my approach. He was a bit directionless, but I respected his request to let him find his own way. He is now enrolled as a full time MBA student at UNC Chapel Hill, with no input from me, all him.
@intparent - boy can I relate to that. My father is much better than that now, but he was very racist when I was growing up. One of the things we frequently argued about. He was barely speaking to me when we visited colleges - because I had become close to an African American boy in my class. My father forbid me to see him and was cold for months. But love has a way and I dated him, secretly, for several years. We ended our relationship after college when it became clear that our paths were headed in two very different directions. We are still fb friends and I recently reached out to him and apologized for keeping him a secret and not standing up to my parents for our relationship. When you see glimmers of rage when I discuss my parents, that is generally where it comes from.
Yes - call him out - there is no place for that.
This thread has taken such a great turn. @Rockvillemom, so glad you are finding a way to maintain a relationship that matters to you without being consumed by it…@intparent , you are bold, and it didn’t ruin your connection! It’s so uplifting to see what courage and love and support can do! You guys are the bomb!