What @gardenstategal said.
I’ll let you know how December goes. I’m not expecting perfection from them, but I’m not putting up with crazy either.
@intparent --I started “calling out” (nicely) my dad on things he says a few years ago. I don’t call him “racist” or anything close because at heart he truly is not. He grew up in a different era and while very open-minded he says things at times that just aren’t acceptable these days.
I’m more along the line of “Don’t say that in public!” (these days) And then we have a pretty open discussion about how “times have changed” and why.
We only debate, we don’t argue. We both learn something. We still may not agree but at least we can mull it over.
He actually said the other day that he enjoys my company because I “challenge him” I keep him on his toes.
He made sure to say “I challenge him but am not a challenge!”
Imagine if he discovers 140 (now 280) character messaging…
@doschicos --“Does anyone else even think about what funeral attendees will think of the casket?”
No, but the family does. It becomes a measure of love (which makes no sense). Grief does weird things to people. It’s not always reasonable.
Post 268-- “My SIL’s baby girl died, and MIL said that she had “been to enough funerals in her life” and declined to attend.”
So sad. But perhaps it’s not so black and white. You may not know.
My brother died at age 5 and it must have been unspeakably hard.–I could see my mom doing this. She just couldn’t have attended a child’s funeral without dragging up every old emotion. It would have torn her apart.
I told D she can cremate me and put me in a cardboard box, and if anybody tailgates her on the way home from picking up my ashes she can open the sunroof and fling me out the roof at them. Sadly illegal, but would perfectly suit both of our senses of humor.
“Imagine if he discovers 140 (now 280) character messaging…”
Oh, I think we’ve all gotten a taste of crazy messaging over the past year or so, @ucbalumnus! 
Not pretty or inspiring.
I frequently see posts on FB from a guy about missing his Dad and I know darned well that he was either relieved when the Dad died or he completely rewrote their history after his Dad died and now missed the Dad he never had, or missed the Dad he never had. So, don’t buy into FB posts being super accurate, at least not enough to feel sad.
I know someone who was estranged from father for many years and before that they had a very difficult relationship. After his dad passed, he couldn’t say enough good things about his father and how much he missed him. I won’t say he was lying, but there was no evidence in his actions that any of it was true. But those who didn’t know him well, would likely believe that he had a very different relationship with his father than he actually had.
It’s possible to miss the “hope” that your relationship will be better or to grieve for the relationship that never was.
Meanwhile, much progress made. We speak twice a week, not daily. Holiday plans - on my terms - bringing food to their condo so we can spend time together and share a meal without the risk of a restaurant scene.
I also - for the very first time - explained our plans to move in the next 2-3 years. I wanted to start laying the groundwork that we are not committed to remaining in the same town for the rest of my mother’s life. I think their plan that she will simply stay in her condo with paid assistance is faulty, but I don’t have to figure everything out today. At least I made it clear that we are moving, we can go over her options at a later time.
Feels good to stand up for myself!
Good for you, @rockvillemom! Sounds like, while painful, this has ultimately been very positive.
2 Phone calls a a week sounds like a manageable amount, @rockvillemom, as does the idea to dine with them away from restaurant. I’m glad things are better for you.
@rockvillemom Hope your family holidays were peaceful and happy.
Ditto, I find I’ve been thinking about you @rockvillemom
So kind of you! Situation is better - fewer calls - less drama. Seeing them on my terms and letting some of his snide comments pass by unanswered. I have finally pushed back on the notion that my role is to be their obediant dutiful daughter until their deaths. It’s never going to be great, but I’m not losing sleep or feeling stressed about them right now. I think I did not realize how much I simultaneously hate dealing with them while also seeking their approval and that was very stressful. So, found some middle ground between severing contact completely and losing my mind.
^^^^ That sounds like the best outcome possible, under the circumstances. Congratulations!
That sounds like a good approach. You may never get the relationship you want or need. Good idea to just kind of make your peace with it.
OK, I am dying of curiosity! How are THEY handling the changes?
And congrats to you–I figured this out much later in my mother’s life than you have.
@rockvillemom, I’m SO GLAD you’ve found a balance that is working well for YOU! That’s great and something that I hope you will maintain! Congratulations and you are setting a great example for your kids as well!