That’s great you have a balance that is working for you. I think each day you won’t feell you need their approval more and more, and that’s liberating.
@oregon101 - that’s a great question - right now their primary fallback position is denial. My mother acts like nothing has changed. I had made a comment at one point about a lot of work stress, so I think they may also be attributing my changed attitude to that.
There is zero ability to have a frank open and honest conversation with my parents. Despite my being 54, my father in particular views himself as the head of the family and me as a female child - meaning there would never be a conversation between equals. He made a snide comment recently about how I had agreed 22 years ago to take care of them as they aged, implying I was not living up to it. I remember no such conversation. He can’t remember what he had for lunch, so the notion that this conversation took place and he recalls it is absurd.
The more likely explanation is they assigned me this role and always assumed I would be the good little girl - listening to his repetitive stories, taking his outdated advice and being there to help them to the end. I can see the old patterns of trying to make me feel guilty being set, but I am more aware now. I think I have made peace with not always having to please them, but it is hard. But keeping more space makes it easier, even with some guilt, so staying with that approach.
You all have been an amazing support system and I thank you.
The other interesting dynamic right now is that my father’s brother and wife are in dire straits. Very inadequate retirement savings, living far away from any family, declining health, etc. It is the perfect storm of how not to plan for old age. Their 3 adult children are going crazy trying to figure out options. My uncle is stubborn and resistant to any suggestion.
I made a very clear stmt to my mother yesterday that I will not put up with the same behavior. She cannot assume I will stay in the same town as her and take care of her until the end. They have this mental framework where after he dies, she stays in her condo with her 1960s furniture and I take her grocery shopping, run errands, take her to dr appts, pay the bills, etc. It boggles my mind that they would make such assumptions. They helped their parents for sure, but people died younger then. I would certainly figure out a reasonable living situation for her, but not one that has me as the daily caregiver.
So, I feel like I have finally stood up for myself somewhat on this topic, although it is far from resolved.
Things sounds better…and that’s great.
I think it will improve your relationship with your husband and children and that’s a huge plus also.
My d dated a man who had a family such as yours. Where the father was so dominant and demanding and the mother for lack of another word, beat down by her husband. My d made it clear that her boyfriend move away from his parents and break the cycle of dysfunction. He was unable to break free and she was unable to continue in the relationship.
In light of this, I am so happy that you are able to have defined boundaries. Keep up the good work!
Thank you. It is very hard to break a 54 year old pattern of behavior, but I am trying.
It’s great that you are able to renegotiate your relationship with your parents. For me, the only thing that truly worked was to consider myself an orphaned only child, even while my parents were still alive. I feel sad that my father was never able to get past his narcissism and be a real parent and that my mom didn’t divorce him and take me to California when I was a child and when her parents offered to take us in, but I have no regrets about anything else that I did.
So glad to read that you have found a balance with your parents. There will be ups and downs, but having a plan helps. We moved to live right beside my elderly father in 2016, and October-November of this year was one crisis after another, compounded with huge fights with my sister. But we just finished a great Christmas week, and I am very thankful.
It is so easy to get frustrated. I am trying very hard not to lose my cool when I get frustrated. But I am 54 too, and I am trying. Hope 2018 is a good year for you.
@rockvillemom re #321 Taking care of someone covers a broad area and the terms someone is able to meet evolve over time. I did, in fact, promise my parents I’d take care of them when I was a young adult, desperate for their approval, and unaware of how unhealthy the dynamic between us was. Just saying that even if a conversation like that did take place, so what?
There is much to be said for doing everything humanely possible rather than doing everything humanly possible.
^^Good line.
At least we are finally talking about it, in a limited way. It’s impossible to make any plans now, because my father wants to control how and where my mother lives after his death and she is firmly attached to their condo. But, I feel freer having finally said I am not committing to staying local and being her sherpa until she passes.
My mother is partially blind and very dependent on my father, so the idea of her living alone is pretty ludicrous. She has never lived alone in her life. I cannot imagine why living alone, eating alone etc would even appeal to her. I don’t think she even knows how to use the tv - my dad controls it so she does not “screw it up”. There are a lot of routine tasks she cannot do - due to her vision issues and lack of being allowed to do so. Who could balance a checkbook or write a check or use a DVD player wuth him standing over you and yeling at you for doing it wrong?
But, I remind myself to let it go for now and just see what happens. I will help her, but on my terms, not hers.
Ugh, I feel terrible for your mom. What a way to live. I’m confident, though, that with your solid perspective and understanding, you will figure out how best to help her when the time comes. It won’t be easy, but I think you’ll work it out.
A question: Is there a way now to slyly support ways of making her just a bit more independent? Or is your Dad always hovering?
I don’t see the mom becoming independent. She will just lean on the OP.
Try to define your own “safe space,” a place or activity that lets you feel protected from the stresses. In a way, your own private refuge.
At this point, she is 82, with failing vision and she is very stooped over, creating issues with balance, falls, etc. I would certainly try wherever possible to increase her independent tasks, but not very optimistic. For example, doctor visits are an issue. They have a driver and he can take her to and from, but she struggles to complete forms and asks no questions. She sees a retina specialist quarterly - my father takes her - they come home with no useful info. She’ll tell me about some tangent the conversation went off on or - more likely - my Dad will have been in the exam room with her and busy telling the dr how he is a medical miracle who should not be alive at 87.
Grocery shopping - I could probably order for her online and have delivered - but I know she prefers to have someone drive her to the store so she can make her own selections. Same with routine errands. Busy working people are looking for convenience and will use online options. But at 82, she wants the outing. So, maybe the driver takes her if I cannot do it. Right now, my father is still driving very locally, but that could end at any moment.
I wish she would at least be open to the idea of moving into independent living after he dies, but so far, every time I mention it in the context of some friend’s mother just moved to Riderwood and loves it, etc., she just repeats all the reasons she wants to stay in her condo.
Realistically, she is not going to move and I don’t want to be stuck here forever, so a bit of an impasse. But while before I was really torn and felt obligated to stay, I feel less so now. I can give her options and if she insists on staying set up as much as I can for her and automate the rest, but I no longer believe that if she insists on staying here I have to do so as well. DH and I are continually looking at our relocation options and I would absolutely bring her with us, but have gotten no where with that.
But there will come a point where her living on her own in her condo just is no longer feasible, but they refuse to see that.
@lookingforward - I am - working hard on my own health, weight loss and exercise goals - and enjoying a lot of Netflix! It’s always there in the back of my mind, but better than it was. I realize I will disappoint my parents because I am not going to be their solution to every issue that comes with aging, and I have made my peace with that. Thanks to the conversations I have had on CC, I realize I am not obligated to put my life on hold for the next 5-10 years to care for them and that if DH and I choose to move away, that’s ok.
When I posed the question re moving a few months back, I expected mixed results and I fully expected some posters to say I was a horrible daughter for even considering moving, because that was what I was telling myself. So, imagine my surprise when the vast majority of replies was to put my marriage and DH first and relocate if that was what was best for us. We still have nothing concrete in the works, but feeling that I am free and we could move is wonderful. Again, if she is a widow at that point, I would 100% offer for her to move with us. But I won’t allow her to guilt me into staying.
Good for you, RVM! Sounds like your relationship with your parents, and particularly, your dad, have been challenging for years and it’s wonderful that you’ve made some real progress on moving to a more healthy and productive place. I hope 2018 helps you continue to find peace with all of this and sees you continuing to move in a direction that works for you.
Thank you so much. The support here has been wonderful.
I probably already said this, but I want to reiterate how familiar and distressing your situation is, @rockvillemom. My 91-year-old former FIL’s favorite thing to say to my 63-year-old ex (his parents’ live-in caregiver for the past six years) on the rare occasions when one of our children is visiting in state and ex wants to see the daughter is, “You have the rest of your life to do so.” Ex has three siblings. The two brothers haven’t seen their parents in at least three years. The sister appears every three months or so and gives ex a reprieve. Ex is angry and depressed; his and his dad’s behavior destroyed our marriage.
One thing you might start looking into for the future is home assistance. You can take the time to research local companies who offer home aides - not necessarily health aides, but people who come to the house for a few hours every day to offer companionship, do chores, drive to errands, help with meals and medication, etc. Mom was very independent after Dad passed away and always said she wanted to die in her condo - which she did - and my brother and I sort of forced this help on her in the last several months of her life (after her last return from hospital/rehab). Brother lived five minutes away and I was about 40 minutes away but this gave her some flexibility.
Such care is not necessarily cheap nor is it covered by insurance. But it can be very helpful either as a supplement to family members or as a substitute if not able to be there in person. If you have some idea of which companies you might want to use, there won’t be a scramble when you need them. It doesn’t sound like OP’s father would tolerate such assistance but might be a good choice for mother down the road.