I never judge anyone about the amount they are available in a parent’s life. Many families have too much baggage to stay in close contact and maintain sanity. I feel everyone does what they can. But for me, if I was the designated caregiver, I would insist on getting power of attorney (POA) so that I can make decisions. Without the POA, I would distance myself from the situation. Because my parent’s have dementia, I have had to make some really difficult decisions for them. But, because they put their trust in me by giving me POA, I do feel obligated to put them in the best situation possible. Even then, though I know they would not want this either, I am not willing to sacrifice myself or my husband for their custodial care.
Any remote chance they have long term care insurance? We should have started using it for my dad way before we did, but it did pay for his in home caregiver and the geriatric case manager. So there is likely coverage for your mom, especially given her health and vision issues, if they have LTC insurance. We have it- so we are not a burden on our kids.
No LTC insurance - but they are pretty well off - and actual grow their assets monthly rather than spending down - as pension + SS exceeds their expenses by several thousand dollars per month.
Once he passes, I will probably take a leave of absence from work to get all issues set up - banking, legal, home assistance, etc. I will insist on POA and condo goes into a trust. Have to remember to tell him to “authorize” that to her or she will hesitate. She has never made a financial or legal decision in her life.
Depending on what happens when, I may just retire. I’m not good at juggling too many stressful situations at once, it might just be easier.
Don’t assume that he’ll be the one to die first. The ornery ones seem to hang on!
I know! My aunt, the one he stopped speaking to 10 years ago because she was “disrespectful”, says the same thing! He should not be alive. 87 and had triple bypass 26 years ago - estimate was 15 years life exceptancy beyond surgery. His cardiac surgeon says he is one of his longest living patients post triple bypass.
They only ever discuss him passing first - he has been planning his funeral for years. But you are right, stranger things have happened.
Happy New Year, @rockvillemom. You are on a good path. Change is rarely instantaneous, and you are making great progress.
@rockvillemom - considering your parents’ behavior, what a good place to land. Happy New Year!
I have seen elders previously uncooperative about how to address their needs shift their thinking in response to big changes in circumstances. Some “dig in” in anticipation of losing a spouse or their own decline, yet when the other shoe drops, can be amenable to a reasonable plan and willing to consider alternatives for the first time. They actually have to feel their vulnerability to address it; others never shift. Yes, this is very late from the weary caregiver’s point of view, but it may come.
Best to all here who are in these complex roles as 2018 starts.
We had a similar fight, we had been trying to intervene for several years with no luck. The final straw was a sit down meeting where we told the resistant parent what bad thing was likely to happen with the current set up and we predicted the day of the week it would happen. Three weeks later a broken hip on that day of the week. They could not fight us in the face of that proof, but then we had to move fast to capitalize on the weak moments. That parent fought us most of the time in IL/AL, it was not easy through the very last week.
You might just make a habit of talking about your safety concerns, and then say that you support them living in their house as long as it’s safe, but if A-B-C happens, then they’d have to make other arrangements. Don’t fight where they are today, plant the seeds for later.
One note: if your dad does pass away first, there is a reasonable chance that your mother will begin to obey your directions. She is used to taking directions. So when you tell her she has to move into independent living (which she really will have to do), she may not resist as much as you might anticipate.
I hope you are right. But they have assumed for years that she will stay in the condo - with my help. I will certainly insist we tour some options. She has no idea what a quality independent living would be like - meals, activities, medical services and so forth.
Heck, she might enjoy some female companionship at meals. Sounds like she needs some friends to keep her busy!!
My grandmother had no interest in assisted living, but she was in Florida and every one else was hundreds of miles away. Her oldest son basically kidnapped her and put her in a place near him. She loved it. She was very outgoing and being stuck in her apartment because she couldn’t drive or walk very far was crazy.
When there is a window of opportunity, it can be helpful to preview options in anticipation of changes in circumstances; many caregivers go on their own initially. That allows places that aren’t a match to be ruled out and the best fits to be highlighted, can lessen everyone’s anxiety and allow the real questions to be discussed.
My parents were amenable to a move to assisted living; we still spoke daily about all their questions and concerns for many weeks. I got myself grounded and walked them theough it. I’m guessing it is always a process.
The other day when we saw internist for my D’s flu, the internist said he just had a long chat with my dad about all the reasons dad must NOT drive. I hope dad will stop driving but no idea if he really will.
Aging and working with our aging loved ones certainly is a process.
OP, have you read “Being Mortal” yet? It is helpful when thinking about options and determining what is most important to the aging person.
When I went home for Christmas, my brother told me my father drove down the street. He hasn’t had a license in years! My brother disconnected the battery so that that doesn’t happen again.
Yes, I will definitely preview a few places before taking her - but not before my father passes. One of the issues is their absolute inability to see how things will change/deteriorate in the future. My father talks about my mother’s friends in the building who will help her - there aren’t that many and they are 70-80+ - they might help once in a while with some specific task, but not like they will be regularly available to take her to the dr, grocery shopping, errands, etc. Or help her cook and clean.
It’s the unwillingness to keep an open mind that makes me crazy.
I would want to make things as easy as possible for my sons when I age, not dig in my heels and cling to an unworkable position.
Ironically, there have been several kitchen fires in their condominium - caused by elderly residents who should not be living alone and trying to cook. My parents criticize these elderly owners - and their adult children who do not relocate them - but do not see my mother as a potential member of this demographic! The irony kills me.
What do you think would happen if your mom died first? How would your dad cope?
My mother was 94, nearly blind and deaf and had COPD. She refused, at any point, to make
decisions. Daily she needed to be a victim and if she had made plans then she would not be
able to blame. In a two year period she terrorized and fired 27 assigned aids. The agency finally
fired her. She was true narcissist. And Mean. One phone call she told me everything real and imagined
of her emotional injuries caused by others. I finally said the words, “You cannot come here”.
She was shocked and offended but never asked again. Mind you, I had offered to have her
here in assisted living (and I would have been a very good person to orchestrate things).
She refused. What she wanted was to live with us. UH, NO.
I use to tell her that if she did not make plans others would make them for her. I had not
yet realized that was what she wanted–others to make her decisions so that she could
criticize them.
“It’s the unwillingness to keep an open mind that makes me crazy.”
Honestly, I’d advise not even discussing or commenting on it with them at this juncture. Too many unknowns. At your parents’ ages, so much could transpire over a year or two in terms of health that would change the landscape completely. Why wear yourself out engaging in “what might be…” before you need to. Cross that bridge and expend that emotional and mental energy when you need to. The good thing is it appears that your parents have the financial resources that gives them many options for aging that others don’t necessarily have.
Doschicos is so very right. We do need to have some plans, some ideas of the options, but there are so many different things that can happen from the person who is fine in their own place to the end versus a person who needs ADL assistance for years. So many other things to stress, no sense wasting energy on too many what ifs, once you are prepared to deal with whatever comes.