My only reason in finally bringing it up was to start the process of freeing myself. After years of hearing them make assumptions re my future caregiver role, I simply wanted to go on record that DH and I have our own plans, which include relocation. If they want to ignore this oportunity to discuss and plan future options, fine.
Barring some type of crazy accident, no expectation for mother to die first. Her issues are not life threatening. Father is dying of heart failure - just a matter of weeks/months.
Since you are relocating, do you hope to find assisted living arrangements for her near where you plan to move or do you want her to stay in the area where she is currently living? It would be easier to have her near one of the kids. Maybe you could find a nice place near your sister.
@rockvillemom - my parents would never think about down the road. I told them all the time living with me was not an option. My mom had heart failure, open heart surgery, stent after stent - my dad died first in an accident.
Mom needed all 4 of us kids to get on board and force the issue. She went to a beautiful place with everything you could think of inside and out. First she was humbled and grateful to go, then she dug her heels in, then she did great there and said so to everyone else, except for us. We had to walk a tightrope many times, it was her life, but we kept reiterating our goal was for her to have the best care possible. Keep in mind, what every person wants in those places is to live independently, and be 30 years younger.
In the interest of his well being and the safety of innocent parties sharing the road with him, could you and your siblings not take an active role in getting him to stop driving? We just went through this with DH’s dad. It wasn’t easy, but it had to be done, and he is now resigned to it.
In my state, doctors are allowed (and encouraged) to report elderly drivers that they do not think are fit to drive to the Registry of Motor Vehicles (and shielded from legal liability for doing so). The RMV can then require the driver to take a test or give up their license.
It’s often easier to make the doctor the bad guy in these situations, and the elderly driver may be more receptive to it when it comes from a respected neutral authority like a doctor.
My father’s doctor refused to be the “bad guy” and even said that my dad would know when he was no longer safe to drive. This doctor was referred to as Dr Death by one of my sibs.
FIL had a stroke and was ordered by the doctor not to drive. We had to hide the keys from FIL, and the son that came to him for support all his life (who needs a parent to co-sign a lease at age 60?) gave them back, and we had to take them again. And FIL never forgave DH. But there were kids in the neighborhood and it had to be done.
@oregon101, thanks for the insight about people who need other people to make decisions so they can criticize them. That was MIL. Poor her, everybody made bad decisions for her, but she refused to speak up for herself. Now I see what she was getting from it.
OP, I’m glad you’ve decided to opt out of the game they’ve been playing all your life, and are starting to draft the rules of the new game.
I’m glad my parents have planned ahead, because in their area there are waiting lists for most nice places. Several of my dad’s faculty friends from UT already live at the facility they chose. My folks go to the gym there on a regular basis and also go eat meals with their friends. They will start out in an apartment, and if they’re there a certain length of time before they need additional care, the cost will not go up. I’m encouraging them to move sooner rather than later, because Mom is getting pretty forgetful (we noticed that she’s kind of shut down after my son’s illness and my nephew’s death). So that’s our issue. And I’m 2,500 miles away, so I’m not much help to my sister.
@musicmom1215 - I am very flexible. If my Mom would actually have a conversation on the topic and express interest in moving with us - I would absolutely factor that in. We could buy a 3br condo or house with first floor master and have her live with us - or she could go into independent living near us - either would be fine. But all she will say is she wants nothing to change and she wants to stay in her condo. I do not see how it would be feasible for us to move away and she would be in the condo with no local relative to help her. Given how helpless and dependent she is now - it is ludicrous.
If she wants to stay in the familiar area and move in independent living here - that’s fine too. But so far - I have gotten no where.
We are not moving yet - job transfer to Hilton Head has not come through for DH so far - and we are not yet ready to retire. So - who knows - they may both pass away before we are actually ready to move. It’s just a very important goal for us and I do not want my parents trying to prevent us from moving.
I just want to be somewhat freed from the responsibility of being their solution to old age. But given their unwillingness to discuss any options - other than telling them we hope to relocate - not much accomplished. But at least I did that.
@MaineLonghorn - I love hearing stories about older folks who do plan ahead. I have an 80 year old aunt who just moved into independent living - she wanted to stay in control - make her own selection - move when she was young enough to make new friends - and lessen the burden on her adult children.
My parents have no insight. They criticize other people who have not planned and have become a burden - or who have stayed in their condo longer than they should have and started a kitchen fire - or who are clearly struggling to remain in their homes. But when it comes to them - nothing should ever change.
Case in point - doing taxes. My father complains about it non-stop. I offer to do it for him - no - that’s no good. He mailed away a postcard to the IRS yesterday to request the paper forms be mailed to him so that he can do it by hand as he has done for his entire life. I tell him he is probably the only person left in the country who does a 1040 by hand. It is pretty simple - just pension, SS, interest income and IRA distributions - but I know he is getting very forgetful and confused and some of the math calculations are hard for him. I offer to print out the forms for him - no. I offer to do it online for him - no. But he will be complaining about it for the next 6 weeks.
Which is why I love my new phone call limit of twice a week max!
@MaineLonghorn , an older friend told me that although they loved their home, they moved earlier than they had to to a senior community. Her husband died a few years later. She related that she was so much better supported because people knew her husband, who she was with him, etc., and that she was so glad that she didn’t have to make friends in a weakened, grieving state when she didn’t have the energy for it. That really stuck with me for its wisdom.
Of course, I can’t get my own parent to see how wise it is! But it’s something I will consider for myself when the time comes.
@gardenstategal This is exactly where I am right now. I have told parents that if they want to stay at home they need to be willing to ask for help to come in (which I think they will wait too long to do). But my main concern is that my dad is not very mobile after stroke and mom does everything for him and she is his link to most of social life. If she goes first I worry about how isolated he will be and how isolated they are becoming now. If they move now, to place they know lots of people, Dad would have more social interactions, Mom would be able to run errands without him in shorter amount of time and the upkeep of a home and property would go away.
But the social is what tips it over for me into moving into a community. Sooner rather than later for exactly the reasons you talked about.
It’s a mixed bag, thank you for asking. I am better about setting boundaries and not feeling guilty. Calling twice a week and not feeling obligated to jump in and solve every issue. I remain very concerned that my mother is very resistant to even considering moving to independent living after my father dies. She wants to stay in their condo. But with my newly discovered backbone, I plan to offer to help her one day per week and if she cannot manage, she will have to consider moving. I think it will prove to be impossible for her without my almost daily help.
She mentioned that after my father dies, she wants to renovate the kitchen, something he has vetoed because he cannot tolerate the slightest upheaval. And I had to laugh - she’s going to plan and supervise a kitchen renovation? No, she intends for me to take her shopping, help her select cabinets and appliances, manage the paperwork and payments, etc. And I have no intention of doing so - I will have enough to do.
But, I feel as though a very heavy mantle of guilt and obligation has been lifted and that is a blessing. I feel much more comfortable saying no and setting limits on how much I am willing to do.
So happy for you @rockvillemom. It sounds like you are taking your life back.
I think your moms talk is more wishful thinking than anything. She knows she won’t be able to renovate the kitchen, or live independently. But I’m sure after a lifetime of living with first her parents and then a difficult husband, she would love to do things on her own terms. I would indulge her but know that it won’t be possible.
Yes, that is a very good point and I am sad for her. Her mentioning the kitchen reno was the first time she has said, after dad dies I want to do x. But she is extremely bent over with scoliosis and partially blind - tremendous fall risk - not someone who should be living alone.
Exactly. I think if she would just agree to look at a few places, she would be very pleased with the amenities and activities. Money is not an issue, so we can pick a nice place. I will gladly put the time and effort into finding the best possible place for her and I will handle selling her condo. But so far, she refuses to even discuss, let alone let me arrange any tours. So, I guess it is status quo for now until my father passes away.
I do think she wants to be in control of her life after 57 years of marriage to my bullying, controlling father who has the final say on everything and constantly belittles her, but unfortunately her physical condition is not conducive to living alone. She is so bent over, but refuses to use a walker. She has fallen a number of times, but no serious injury so far. They have lived in their condo for 22 years, so it is very familiar and comfortable. She is not being realistic as she thinks neighbors will help her, and they may right after he dies, but the neighbors her age are in no condition to provide her with daily assistance and the younger ones have their own lives.
I am making it clear as often as necessary that I will not be her daily assistant and that DH and I want to retire and relocate. She pretty much ignores me, but I will just keep restating my boundaries.
This doctor was referred to as Dr Death by one of my sibs.