=D> =D> =D>
Well, it really was only a matter of time. He’s not speaking to me again. This happens periodically when he feels I have been "disrespectful ". In this case, his brother and wife are having a very difficult time with both serious health and financial issues. My father does not stay in close contact with them, because it is too much stress for HIM! Because he is the center of the universe in all matters. You could be dying, but my father would believe he is the one deserving of sympathy because making a phonecall is stressful. So, meaning well, I urged him to call his brother and apparently I was not sufficiently sympathetic to how draining and difficult this is for my father.
So, I will enjoy yet another break from dealing with them. Their loss.
Oh dear. Hope he comes around soon.
“So, I will enjoy yet another break from dealing with them. Their loss.”
Exactly. I’d treat it like the antics of a toddler and ignore it.
And I reread all the great advice from the Thanksgiving episode. Good stuff.
@rockvillemom : You are behaving like an adult. Keep the faith.
I like to keep track of the number of days between bouts of bad behavior with difficult people.
Someone I know just made it 10 days without saying something stupid.
It amuses me.
@rockvillemom - you mentioned your mom will need help and wants to renovate her kitchen after your father passes. This reminds me of a story told to us by one of the assisted living places we checked out when we were considering placing my own mother. The director told us that one of their residents has been told by her daughter that she needed to move in to the “new apartment” just temporarily so the contractors could work on the renovations to her kitchen. This has been going on for about 11 months - the daughter periodically “invents” setbacks on the project so they can maintain the façade about mom going to return to her own home on her own, while mom’s medical condition is that she clearly needs help with her daily activities, but she mentally needs to hold onto this dream as a way to cope with her losing her independence. I thought it was a sweet story. DH and I were talking about it after, and he wondered if her mom understood more than she let on, and accepted it as a way to make it easier for her D to ease her guilt about putting mom into someone else’s care.
It sounds like you have come to a more peaceful understanding of who your father is, and how you can maintain a sense of your own self with your new boundaries. Sorry to hear your uncle and aunt are struggling - I applaud you for trying to encourage your father to call them, even if he has not kept close contact with them.
Checking in @rockvillemom
@3puppies - The situation you describe is not unlike my own experience, although in our case it wasn’t intentional. A family member with dementia got ill, and had to go to the hospital and from there to a rehab facility. The next stop was assisted living. Theoretically it was temporary, but they never asked to go home after that, and it was the right solution.
@rockvillemom - You’ve got a couple of hard cases here, but I’ve found that with more reasonable family members it’s sometimes helpful to cast assistance as a path to freedom. One elder in my family didn’t want a walker, because of what it signaled, but eventually figured out that it allowed MORE mobility and independence, and with that as the selling point has fully embraced it. If you can articulate what they want … and the changes can assist with that … it can help change the conversation.
So - Thanksgiving looms - thoughts? They have not mentioned it yet and given my mother’s cognitive deterioration, I doubt she remembers my telling her last year that I was done having Thanksgiving with them.
My non-parent options are to go with DH and sons to a restaurant - I will never go with my parents to a restaurant again - outside of 2 places they frequest that know them and it goes ok. Or, have small Thanksgiving at home for the 4 of us - my parents have not come to our home in a few years due to steps and dining room chairs with no arms.
The only option I can see including my parents is to bring food to their condo, but I am not interested in doing that for Thanksgiving. I am doing it this coming Saturday - my sister is in town for the weekend and we agreed this was the safest option.
So, I am thinking Thanksgiving without my parents and then we do something with them Friday or Saturday - either at their condo or ar one of the two “safe” restaurants.
And yes, my father is still incredibly nasty. As my mother deteriorates mentally, his nasty verbal attacks on her have intensified. He sees her as increasingly stupid - empathy never having been his strong point.
He left me a ranting raving voicemail last week - which I am saving to play for any friend who thinks I exaggerate. My transgression - I replied to his email - but missed the phone call to further go over the email. I had no idea both were required and simply did not hear the phone ring. His level of crazy was so disproportionate to a missed call - saving that vm for posterity. Maybe I’ll play it at his funeral!
How about taking a short trip? Someplace where you, DH, and sons would enjoy a long weekend. It gives you a legitimate reason outside the drama not to have Thanksgiving with them. You could then have a separate dinner at one of “their” restaurants with or without the rest of your family.
Why go out with them to dinner even if it isn’t Thanksgiving? Why subject yourself to that? If it eases your guilt, bring them some food. It doesn’t have to be something you make. You can order a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner. If it eases your guilt, bring some food another day around the holiday and sit and eat with them. I wouldn’t be dining out with them again.
Start a new thanksgiving tradition with your immediate family. It should be a wonderful occasion that you look forward to, not something you dread. We can’t choose our parents and frankly sometimes they are just miserable, unhappy people that will drag you and your family down if you let them. I wish you a wonderful thanksgiving, celebrate it with joy, laughter and remember what your are truly thankful for…
Thanks for suggestions - surveying DH and sons for preferences re wknd away vs local restaurant vs meal at our home. I do regret that we have never established any tradition of our own - it has always involved my parents.
What do YOU want to do? Start with that. If your parents want to spend it with you, then your dad will need to ask. Then be ready for an answer or to give 2 options you can stand. I would not have them over because of the logistics, nor would I take them to a restaurant. To me the only option is bringing food to them. Now does it matter if it’s actually on Thanksgiving? Would they know or care?
We’ve been doing our own nuclear family Thanksgiving for years. It’s really relaxing since we’re not into big groups or crowds, travelling through packed airports, or a lot of fuss. We also aren’t fond of turkey, so the standing joke in our house is that we have the “traditional Thanksgiving steak” (I go a little special with USDA Prime, dry-aged ribeye).
Usually we’ll spend a couple quality hours as a family cooking together but sometimes we’ll get something from a local restaurant that does special Thanksgiving to-go meals - which we usually end up not liking as much as our traditional Thanksgiving steak anyway! Anyway, you have my full support and endorsement for having a relaxing Thanksgiving at home with just your partner and kids.
I would feel very guilty if I ignored them entirely. I think bringing food in to them the day after would work - they can see their grandsons - but I get to have a peaceful enjoyable Thanksgiving dinner with my guys on the actual day.
I’ll see how this Saturday goes and consider it a practice run. Bringing food in eliminates the logistics of an acceptable (to him) booth or table in a restaurant, worries about having to wait even a few minutes for a table, his insistence that his walker be next to the table, etc. He can just sit at his dining room table and have my mother wait on him, like any other dinner.
We’ve been doing T’giving on our own the years my cousin on LI hosts, because driving there is a huge PITA.
We quite like it. It’s much more relaxing then the mob, which is my family, on holidays.
If you decide to have it at home and your parents ask what you are doing, tell them that they can join you. If they say no, then that should be that.
I wouid bring them leftovers the next day for them to enjoy on their own. Visit for a bit ( maybe a hour) and say your goodbyes.