I think you are on the right track. Come up with a Thanksgiving plan that your immediate family is happy with (be it away, at home, or a restaurant) and then maybe stop by with your sons for a quick visit after the holiday (it doesn’t even have to be for a meal).
I give you a lot of credit for recognizing the problem and dealing with it proactively in a way that gives you peace and happy family time with your H and kids and doesn’t cut your parents out entirely. It is a delicate balancing act so do the best you can and don’t beat yourself up if someone (esp. you dad) is not happy with whatever plans you make.
We’ve also been celebrating Thanksgiving at home with only our nuclear family for the past 13 years. We can dress up or dress down, eat what we want, watch football or old movies, etc. I would poll your husband and kids to see if they’d like to stay home or go away and then make that your new tradition. You (and your kids) can see your parents for a short time some other time over the weekend to ease your guilt.
I almost hate to say this, but my girls were tolerant of my mother and even had affection for her. There were times when I asked them to be the ones to, eg, bring a dinner there and chat for a while. To them, it did represent the connection and a little nice deed. In a short visit, my mother could be appreciative, pull out her good manners.
As others say, the traditions are, in part, about what we hope to “teach” our kids. Some of this is how we hope to be accepted and treated when we’re the issue. I showed them my own efforts and they were aware of what DH did for her. But at a point, I had to draw my own line. My mother refused to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas. The girls didn’t mind, felt good about 45 inutes or an hour with Grandma. Back at home, we did our own nuclear family celebrating, sans stress. For us, our own dynamics, this was a win-win.
Nothing says what one"has to" do, especially when elders either can’t process or turn family times from fun and happy to some onerous chore.
And I do think that is important and want my sons to visit grandparents when they are home - S2 is joining us for dinner at my parets’ condo Saturday.
I just don’t know my parents’ expectations re Thanksgiving - will they be ok with us seeing them Friday or Saturday? Or will he have a meltdown that we are “abandoning” them on Thanksgiving? I’m going to postpone this conversation as long as possible.
If your dad is going to have some sort of meltdown/make some sort of scene no matter what you do, why not be in charge of what/when you subject yourself to it? Keep up those boundaries!
You can’t control his meltdowns. There’s no magic ‘perfect’ guranteed to satisfy him. I always say how I love the line from Dangerous Liaisons, “It’s…beyond…your…control.”
But that doesn’t mean you have to convince yourself to endure. Or define yourself by what you put up with, for him, for the hopes he’s satisfied, doesn’t rage. For me, part of the equation was, “Do I want to expose my kids to this tension?” Or control what we could, make the best of what IS?
I had to explain to mine why she wasn’t with us, without complaining or disappointment. But we found a way.
I’m not sure I’d discuss this with him, look for his approval of your plans. Do what you can. Positively let him know what that is.
Your response is telling me how much you try and be the peace maker and make him happy. Why is his happiness more important than yours and your family? You are tip toeing on eggshells and he will sense that he shouldn’t be happy with it and will go for it. You must make your plan and present in a way that is non negotiable and positive. And if he melts down, then you do not have to stick around and listen to it.
We have not had Thanksgiving with my MIL for several years. Our handicapped ramp into the house finally gave up the ghost and we decided not to replace it so she can’t get into the house. We have on numerous occasions arranged for everyone to go out for a meal. Last week, for MIL’s birthday was a perfect example. All of the kids except S17 (at college 8 hours away) were available and we were ready to go when MIL’s aide called and said she didn’t want to go. Then, she called 10 minutes later and said we should take H’s sister instead. We respectfully declined and just went out to dinner as our nuclear family. This has happened the last few times we’ve tried to take her out. We will probably go on Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving and bring her food. I would go on the actual day, but H doesn’t want to face the traffic (she’s a 15 minute drive away, but she’s his mom so I defer to him).
We are not doing anything for Thanksgiving. A day or two before, we will go out for dinner with all 5 kids, the SO’s of the two oldest and my D’s bf’s siblings, who will be visiting their brother for the holiday. My sons have not met the bf’s sister yet (I adore her and wish that she would fall in love with one of my two middle boys, lol!). D will spend Thanksgiving with a cousin of her bf’s because the siblings don’t get to see the relatives that often. His parents live in Europe and are not visiting for Thanksgiving this year. Oldest son will go to his gf’s aunt’s house. H and I will bring in food for the younger boys and ourselves. It was actually very liberating a few years ago (when MIL stopped coming and my aunt died) to admit that I HATE turkey. A local store sells individual servings of T-day dinner so we will get one for H and my son who likes turkey and the rest of us will have chicken.
For you @rockvillemom - I wish you peace. Your father sounds so much like mine. I breathed a sigh of relief when my parents moved 3000 miles away 25 years ago. They have both since passed. I regret that my children had no real relationship with my parents, but my dad was a total narcissist and I didn’t want them around someone like that.
RVM - It sounds like your father will cause a scene/rant & rave no matter what you decide to do. Consider your mental health and your enjoyment of a family holiday.
We are going out to dinner next weekend with my MIL…and a bunch of the family. It should be interesting to see how that goes. She picked a place we all like…and she supposedly does too. Stay tuned.
Exactly what @eyemamom said – your father’s emotional state does not trump yours. He doesn’t get to make his emotions the driving motivator for your decisions. We won’t let him.
If your parents insist on Thanksgiving day contact, go early in the morning. That way you can still have your family dinner. It doesn’t have to be a full T-day meal, but a brunch of fruit, quiche, and salad would work.
I’m going to wait and see if/when they bring it up and address then that we have made our own plans for Thursday, but could do something with them Friday or Saturday. My parents have no one else to socialize with. Other local family members do not interact with them and the friends they had 10 or 15 years ago in their condo building have either died or moved into assisted living. So, I do feel sorry for them, sometimes.
RVM, forgive me, but how about not ‘we made our own plans,’ which obviously excludes them, but just. “We’d like to see you Friday or Saturday, which do you choose?”
If it escalates, fib if you need to, that someone has to work on Thurs or whatever and aim for , 'beyond our control." In life, there are mantras that, repeated to ourselves often enough, do relax us. It’s not your fault he’s unpleasant. And you are kindly trying to do something.
“If it escalates, fib if you need to, that someone has to work on Thurs or whatever and aim for , 'beyond our control."
I disagree with this advise as they will probably find out you had Thanskgivung without them anyways and lied about it. Why is it we can’t just be honest with people, tell them how we feel and move on. Are you going to lie each and every Thanksgiving for the next decade should they live that long?
You’ve got this! I vote for preserving Thanksgiving Day for yourself, and enjoying your immediate family in peace.
You may want to think ahead of time what you are willing to do with your parents. I like the idea of going to their place, bringing over some food, so you can pick up and leave when it’s time.
With difficult people, I often pull “limited choices” out of my tool box. With toddlers, “Would like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?” With your parents, “Would you like us to bring dinner & visit on Friday or Saturday?”
Why not Thursday?! “That won’t work. Friday or Saturday?”
Yes - this is a very good approach - offer them a choice of Friday or Saturday - at one of the 2 restaurants they like or bring food in - and not even get into Thursday. They often lose track of the days of the week anyway.
I think my guys would be happy to spend a very casual drama-free football watching Thanksgiving at home.
I would go a step farther, and tell them you can bring food in to their place on Friday or Saturday - don’t even mess with getting them to or offering a choice of one or two restaurants - because based on his track record, chances are pretty high he’d find something to complain about.
It isn’t too late to start your own family tradition for Thursday - involving letting your kids cook for you, watch some football, etc.
I am curious, if you have discussed not being with your parents on Thanksgiving Day itself with your kids. I am sure they are aware that their grandfather presents some - er - challenges, but they are old enough so that they deserve to be shown the respect of an explanation.
I think you are doing the right thing by your kids - and wish you the best with them visiting your parents ahead of time.
