It does sound like dementia to me. My mother had a sudden change in personality (she was her, but more so), and it was discovered she’d had a stroke at some point (brain damage wasn’t new). She stabilized to the point where further deterioration in her cognitive abilities/personality continued, but at a much slower rate.
I’m concerned about your mother. I’m sure she’s used to your father’s anger and outbursts, but could he get physically angry?
I have been living beside my father for two years, and today is the first time I reviewed the ALZ.org website. I regret waiting so long, because my father’s changes in body control and cognitive ability seem to be moving, albeit slowly, in this direction. By reading the website (there are caregiving sections, too), I see how common my dad’s symptoms are. It sounds like your dad is a bit like mine, and one of the worst elements is that he feels he is the only person going through this, because he lives alone and never meets with other elderly folks.
One of my dad’s old friends moved into an assisted living place very close to us, and when he first heard, he said he wanted to go visit. A few days later, I brought it up, and he said, he did NOT want to go see all those old people.
So, my sister called parents this morning from Missouri and tried to convince him to see a dr - even offering that I would set it up and take him back and forth.
Emphatic NO.
So, I give up for now. We are taking them out to lunch tomorrow and will see them with our sons on Friday. I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. And that really goes for both of them. There is so much we could do to improve their safety and quality of life, but these are 2 of the most stubborn people you can imagine - who want no change.
I thank you all so much for your suggestions and support and for listening. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Not always effective to ask in a direct manner. Or questions he can perceive as yes/no. Work around it. In sales, it’s called Getting to Yes.
Have a geriatric social worker come. S/he’ll be used to old folks and what to say. THEY won’t ever ask for such a visit but it’ll help YOU know what you’re dealing with and s/he will handle the “getting in” part.
@rockvillemom You are correct that this isn’t just old age. My 95 yr old mother reads The Economist, the WSJ, and lots of novels. She’s currently rereading The Virginian, by Owen Wister. She does have some classic “old age” things, like repeating herself more than the average person, but is FAR from dementia. No change in personality, either.
@techmom99 Have you considered trying acupuncture? If the pain is caused by some form of neuropathy, there are supplements that help some people quite a bit: ALA, L-glutamine, and B complex vitamins. Also CBD salve, or oil. None of which can be abused for a high.
My father is in the middle of a yelling screaming “I want to die” tantrum at the moment - because he forgot he no longer has a car and no longer drives. His behavior is just so bizarre. He was fine 15 minutes ago when I called to discuss setting up a dr appt with his driver. And then I call back to confirm it is all set - and he is screaming because he forgot he had made another dr appt back when he was still driving and he forgot that he is no longer driving. He forgot in that 15 minute span? I just don’t get it. My poor mother. Thank goodness we do not have to deal with him on Thanksgiving.
Its hard to deal with someone with dementia who is disinhibited. Their bead qualities tend to get accentuated. They lose their filter.
Please have him evaluated asap.
It sounds like severe dementia. We went through this with my MIL, who was a total sweetheart before the dementia hit.
Keep in mind that he can’t make rational decisions and has lost touch with reality. You may have to lie to him to get him to see a doctor. He needs to be evaluated to see if there is any underlying medical cause like a UTI, which can make elderly people pretty crazy. If it’s “just” dementia, a doctor can prescribe something to keep him calmer. I’m really sorry you are dealing with this.
He is in distress and needs to be evaluated. Unfortunately, this crisis is coming at a bad time for your immediate family. Had many issues come up in my own family with elders. Very stressful, so I feel for you. Probably even more difficult for you to deal with because of your very difficult history with him, but he sounds like he needs support and empathy. Could one or both of your children pay a brief visit to their grandparents on Thanksgiving, since they seem to be local to you and the kids may be more removed from the immediate situation? It is very scary for people in the early stages of dementia. My mother started to say things about wanting to be dead and she was never suicidal or particularly depressed before she started to decline. He needs evaluated. His issues are effecting him , but also your mother, and of course, you and your nuclear family. Best of luck to you. It is a very stressful transition with many elderly parents.
Hugs. Lots of them!
He was evaluated at ER last week as far as no UTI.
At this point, the 4 of us are going over there for lunch Friday - I’m bringing food.
I am going to reach out to local aging support services and see what suggestions they have as far as having him evaluated for dementia when he refuses to cooperate.
Sounds like a great plan @rockvillemom ! Happy Thanksgiving!
So, RVM, how did it go? Hoping you got to enjoy.
Perhaps a social worker can be sent to evaluate. If the social worker is familiar with dementia patients, and is aware of the possibility ahead of time, she or he might use a slightly different approach - not necessarily tell him he is being evaluated for dementia, but that you are looking into services that might be available for both him and your mother. The trick is simply getting someone in the door. They can evaluated based on his behavior, even if he refuses to cooperate (and in fact that refusal will probably tell them much of what they need to know).
I would also make an appointment with his primary care, “remind” him of the appointment when it gets close, and simply show up and take him. Don’t tell him why he’s going, the doctor can deal with that. He might be combative, but he may cooperate as long as he doesn’t feel you are controlling him. Both of my parents have dementia, my mother is the combative one, so I fully appreciate what you’re dealing with. It does get a bit easier once you have some service set up.
Hope you had a nice day yesterday with your husband and sons!
Hi - Thanks giving went very well - we really enjoyed our peaceful dinner for the 4 of us at our house - first time in years we have done so. And we had a nice lunch with my parents yesterday.
We do think my father is nearing the end. He is having more of these episodes where he cannot wake up. He is like suspended in a state between asleep and awake. He can hear my mother and he is aware it is happening again and that’s about it. He believes he is dying and does not want any medical intervention or treatment. He has a routine cardioligist appt on 12/18, assuming he is still alive then, we will ask if it is related to his cardiac issues. As long as he is not yelling at my mother, if this is how they both want to proceed, I am going along with their wishes.
There is something called vascular dementia. Ask the cardiologist about it. When blood flow to the brain is insufficient, dementia-like symptoms can occur. Maybe you can call the cardiologist and move the appointment closer if they are able to do that.
@rockvillemom So glad you had a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving with your immediate family.
Sending all good wishes as you continue to deal with this difficult situation with grace.