“I don’t know where this is heading. The more he declines, the angrier he gets and lashing out at whoever is near - my mother getting the worst of it.”
Sorry to hear about the decline in your dad’s physical and mental health. Although I don’t condone the anger and I know it has been a lifetime issue, I’m sympathetic to the fact that someone who notices their declining abilities feels angry. However, neither you or your mom need to subject yourselves to it. If it was me, I’d try removing myself from the room when he gets that way and let him rant to himself. Much like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, you don’t need to be the audience and/or target of it. Worth a try.
I certainly agree for myself, hence the not having Thanksgiving with them. Just don’t know what else to do - particularly as he is so difficult. I’d like to set up the appropriate dr appt(s) but he is unwilling.
All I can do is try to take my mother out more often.
I apologize if the following has already been mentioned and explored. Your description of your father’s behavior, @rockvillemom, brings to mind dementia with Lewy bodies (also called Lewy body dementia).
“he pitched a fit and we left.” Sounds like time to get to the bottom of this medically. He sounds very difficult but hope you can get some answers. Even my somewhat agreeable mother became more difficult in the last couple of years , until the end at 87, but your situation is magnified with generally disagreeable sounding parents to begin with. It is painful to deal with these role reversals for many of us. People are just living longer, and some of it is not pretty. My wonderful mother in law spent her last years in a memory unit, until 91. As my mother would say as she declined, "You’ll be old someday. " Hopefully! Best of luck and Happy Thanksgiving!
I am defintely suspecting Alzheimers. He cannot remember anything, he asks the same question over and over again, he asks my mother repeatedly what he likes to eat at a particular restaurant when we go out, he stopped driving last month because he was lost a block from their condo - where they have lived for 21 years, he does not know why he takes certain medications, he can no longer balance his checkbook, etc.
Clearly, he needs to see his primary care physician and then maybe a neurologist. But what can I do if he refuses? Clearly something is going on, be it mini strokes or Alzheimers. This seems like more than just normal old age.
“Mini strokes” aka TIAs (transient ischemic attacks) are temporary events with no permanent deficits. If he is deteriorating like it sounds, he may have had real strokes, or as you theorize, Alzheimers or some other organic brain disease that causes dementia.
@lookingforward beat me to it - I was going to recommend that you see if you can get an elder care or geriatric social worker to come to the house and do an intake. There are care managers that may be able to help your parents (and you) with locating resources, etc. Also they are trained to help even the most difficult patients!
I am going to focus on getting him in to see his primary physician asap. I will go so far as to make the appt and tell him I am coming to pick him up if I have to.
@rockvillemom It sounds like some sort of dementia. Those are classic symptoms. If he has had a stroke consider having him go to a cognitive neurologist for an eval. Is he on any medication for the memory loss, agitation etc?
I wish I had some real concrete advice for you. He does need to be evaluated. It’s so hard.
You are entering uncharted territory. But you are not the first person to navigate these waters.
Just keep posting and asking for advice. There is always someone who has done it before.
I will suggest that you learn what to expect at this point if he has had a stroke or has another condition.
Learning behaviors will help you distinguish between actions directed at you or just a symptom of his condition.
I do appreciate the suggestions to have a case worker or similar come to the home to evaluate him - he just would never agree to it. And I think it is true to see his behavior and outbursts as a symptom of whatever is going on. He’s always had a temper, but maybe he really cannot control it. I think he should have been under psychiatric care a long time ago. Hoping we can get him to agree to see his dr and go over what has been happening.
I agree with your plan to just get him to his primary care doc. You should be able to get him there relatively easily. Before the appointment, tell the doc your concerns and ask him to evaluate your father. It’s likely that your father will listen to the doc more than to you. Authority figure and all that.
I wonder if you could ask the primary care doc’s office to call and tell them it is time for him to schedule his regular checkup, and try to get him to do that.
Recently another poster suggested Lewy Body might be my mother’s issue and her PCP agreed that her symptoms really do match up. In her early 90s and in the very early stages it does not make sense to do a bunch of stressful testing, instead we are treating with meds that are usually good for LBD. Interestingly she did an MMI and MRI earlier this year and started a small dose of Aricept and then we added Seroquel, also a tiny dose. We thought she got a bit better, then she got dramatically worse after travel and never got better. We just doubled her Aricept and she seems more mentally with it since that started. Other meds were a disaster for her.
I would not hesitate to try meds, just be aware different people react differently. One that we are trying for anxiety is a very low dose CBD tincture (legal in our state) and it does seem to help.
Good luck!
Getting a social worker in doesn’t require his approval. And geriatric SWs can be a good source of initial ideas/resources. This is going past DIY, past ‘one day at a time.’ And must be an increasing confusion for Mom.
