Try starting with a guided conversation. Get a couple of the elders in on it. After everyone has been served have one of the elders say they want to talk about what every one is thankful for. Either go around the table, starting with the ones that have been forewarned, or do it pop corn style yet getting to everyone.
The ones that start should be told to NOT say that they are thankful that so and so won the Senate seat…it should be kept to new babies, marriages, health, a championship won, a personal goal met.
One year a long time ago, DH and his sister got into a heated debate at Thanksgiving dinner. Since then, there has been a strict “no politics rule” at all family gatherings.
We seem to have these issues at events all year around, and one SIL is a bible-thumper to boot. There are no rules on the discussions, although people usually seem to shy away from the political. I envy those of you with rules. I have such a battle to keep my mouth shut and not give these people a piece of what little mind I have left! Deep breathing and more wine!
Just spent a weekend with extended family and the subject did not even come up. We had too much family history and updates to catch up on. Also I learned some things about plumbing in a condo. But no politics.
Last year at Thanksgiving the under 40 group got a lecture about how having kids is bad for the earth, but the over 40 crowd just poured more wine and missed out on that part. We can sometimes talk issues without anyone getting belligerent, but Thanksgiving probably isn’t the occasion we’ll choose.
MIL used to be a pro at under-the-breath muttered comments that she would take back if you asked her to elaborate, but they kept coming. She and FIL never learned to disagree without fighting so it just wasn’t a skill she had. I’ve had to work hard to teach her son and model good discussions for the kids. Issues and questions, not slogans and accusations. It’s hard for them to learn if they’ve never seen it done.
We have a very diverse family. We also have a no politics holiday. We’re all pretty nice people with varying views so I think it’s a good reminder that people can have different views and still be more than cordial to each other.
My family is divided politically too. It never seems to fail that some seemingly innocuous comment leads to a political discussion that gets uncomfortable. Last Thanksgiving I banished political discussion to the front porch. Every time I sensed a conversation heading in that direction, I said, with the best humor I could muster, “you know you two are going to have to go out to the porch if this conversation continues.” Then I tried to change the subject. Fortunately, people cooperated with that. I don’t know what I would have done had anyone really forced the issue.
We just had a big family event this weekend. Most of the family is on the same wavelength. Those that aren’t really “there” are also not on “that other” side, thankfully; more on an oldfashioned side that doesn’t really exist anymore. So there’s not real conflict. And this gathering was to celebrate an impending baby, so that joyousness took precedence.
Even though now I think the entire family is on the same side politically, we find it just ruins the day to talk politics currently. I’ve got no problem with the hostess setting the parameters. I like the idea of sending an email out ahead of time.
I have to wonder if the heated discussion is at the sit down Thanksgiving dinner or conversations during the day. We always have polite and fun discussions at the dinner table. Our adult children know how much their grandparents have cherished and helped them so they are always respectful. The snarky conversations I overhear are before or after a meal. I can blow this off because it’s just chatting and not aimed at a family member.
In my extended family we all know to avoid talking about politics and religion. (Always a good rule for keeping diverse social gatherings pleasant/civil.) My sibs all get along pretty well, though they don’t agree on much. Unfortunately a couple of their spouses can cause problems. One can’t keep quiet about her feelings/opinions. The other is a drama queen who is easily offended by trivial things.
We added another taboo topic this year thanks to the drama queen. Now talking about dogs is forbidden. Her D’s dogs in particular. We can talk about our cats as much as we like. And the food, and the weather, and the football games, and what the kids are doing as long as no one gets critical of kids’ career choices/plans or lack thereof.
I like the idea of anyone bringing up politics having to wash dishes!
All sounds good…
Have not/will not talk to my beloved younger brother as it always leads to a snide remark against our recent past president. It is ridiculous. But I give up. Hopefully, I will spend time with him in just a few years?
I totally understand your concern and share it! It does not help that the meal is at the worst offenders’ home this year! I have tried to keep all interactions in public to avoid the worst of it the last few years. I am dreading going and I never thought I would feel this way. It might be a short visit.
As a host, I’d state a rule clearly in advance, doing it in a way that focused on my weariness with the tensions, rather than my guests’ possible behavior. Given how polarized things are, with a normalized absence of decorum, what is to be gained if there is a huge divide? Thanksgiving being about shared humanity and even, the lost art of exchanging pleasantries is fine with me. I was stunned when a few dear friends who were guests at DD’s wedding this year reported being ambushed at cocktail hour by an extremely animated relative who sought to share aspects of their political “awakening” almost immediately. Very awkward and off putting.
DH and I were out for dinner in a cosy restaurant this weekend. We were seated next to a table of 4 where one man was pontificating so loudly on political issues that we could barely converse (intrusive enough that finally I tried to catch his eye and discretely gesture a request to reduce the volume.) No one else at his table had spoken for almost an hour. Thanksgiving dinner as a lecture series or a battleground leaves me cold.
At holidays or big family gathering I just tell people I’m too stupid and ignorant regarding politics and have no opinion either way. Everyone leaves me alone and I can just watch tv or read peacefully
I live by 3 rues. I never discuss politics, I never discussion religion, and I never discuss what people do for work. I genuinely do not care at all.
When my extended family gets together we talk about almost anything, but politic doesn’t really come up unless the idiot puts out more stupid tweets. My BIL is the only one who leans over the wrong side now, but my sister (who just changed side) would shut him up before we could. My BIL is a highly educated lawyer (Stanford), so his points are reasonable even if we don’t always agree with him. The only time all of our heads whipped around to stare at him was when he said he didn’t believe there was global warming. It was the only time I remembered a very heated discussion, even the kids jumped in on it. Ever since then we have stayed away from global warming, but not politics.
When I am with friends, the minute I find out they had a different political view than me I would change the topic very quickly. I realized you can’t change someone’s political view. It is not about right or wrong, it is what people believe (like religion).
,