<p>I think that a lot of us out there have some difficult family situations to deal with and when the holidays roll around , it becomes stressful to cope with the issues that arise.
In my family , my oldest sister is usually the source of tensions with our extended family. She is very , very hard to be around. She is always complaining, negative, and just plain mean.
She has spent Thanksgiving with my family three times in the last 6 or 7 years. It isn’t just a place at the dinner table, it involved her staying with us for several days as we live in different states.
It has been a few yrs since she was last here , and that was horrible. She puts my entire household in distress.
She has hinted around over the last few months that she was thinking about coming down , and I did what I could to brush her off , hoping she would take the hint.
Well yesterday , she caught me off guard and asked me if it would be okay. I just didn’t have it in me to say no…couldn’t react that quickly.</p>
<p>I also have two other sisters who are very close and no conflicts. One of them is coming down here with her daughter, which I am very excited about. Part of the reason they are coming is to avoid this sister. We haven’t shared Thanksgiving in years so my family is really looking forward to it.</p>
<p>Well, I have been so upset about being put on the spot like this when I truly don’t want her here. I woke up at 1am and could not sleep for the rest of the night so I decided to tell her she cannot come.
I haven’t done it yet, but I plan to do it today.
I just don’t think she is my responsibility to entertain when she makes everyone ( especially me ) so unhappy. I don’t want to be stuck with her.
Does anyone else have issues like this with uninvited , unwanted house guests ?</p>
<p>She sounds like she must be very unhappy, given her personality and the fact that she invited herself somewhere she knew she would be unwelcome.
Is it possible to put her up in a hotel & still let her attend the dinner?
You’ve had several months to be clear with her, which I think is cruel to allow her to think she is welcome in your house.</p>
<p>I am not exactly in your situation, as my siblings all live within 20 minutes of each other and I live 3 hours away from them. We can do a day thing when we feel the need. Otherwise, your post could have described my sisters and me. There is a reason I live so far away.</p>
<p>I dreaded receiving the email about Christmas, it came this past Saturday. All of my sisters and their husbands are either teachers or self employed, so they are off over Christmas or can easily arrange to be off. I work in an office that is only closed on the actual holiday. I was asked if I could get together with them on the Monday before Christmas. Um, I am not working until 5, driving 3 hours to eat dinner with them, then 3 hours home in time to work at 8 the next morning, just ain’t happening. Why can’t they remember that some of us have to work?</p>
<p>^^ I didn’t let her think she was welcome though. She asked about me picking her up at the airport if she flew in and I told her I wasn’t willing to do that, hoping she would make other plans. I realize I should have just told her yesterday, but I didn’t and I don’t want her to ruin my family’s holiday. She is very nasty to have around, and she also stole money from my purse a couple of years ago from my mother’s home. I have several reasons to not want her here, and no there are not any open hotels close by.</p>
<p>Thus is tough lje62. I think you have to tell her sooner than later and tell her why. Something like: “When you asked if you could come, you caught me off guard. I said yes without thinking. I don’t know if you realize it, but I find your comments and behavior unpleasant to be around. I should have spoken up sooner, but I’m saying it now. I’m sorry - I am not willing to have you join us.”
Would that work?</p>
<p>Could you tell her the truth? Not saying that in a snarky way at all…rather tell her why she is so uncomfortable to be around. Bluntly and honestly. If it were me, I would give her the option of behaving, like a small child. She behaves, she can come and visit and stay. She miss behaves (is nasty. cruel or mean) and she gets maybe 1 warning, after that she is asked to leave. or you give no warnings, you just remind upon entry that her staying is conditional and if she acts up, she’s gone.</p>
<p>And stick to it. Maybe she walks all over you because she can. Let her know you mean business and maybe, just maybe it will have a lasting effect. Depends on how badly she wants family. Some people can’t change but they can learn to keep their mouths shut.</p>
<p>Tell her there is no place at your house for her to stay, Gosh, you are just so sorry about that. And make excuse for why every bed and couch is filled, just will not, cannot work. She is welcome to stay at a hotel. Chances are, she will not chose to stay at a hotel.</p>
<p>I guess I am lucky. I cannot stand some family members and want limited time with them. My husband always says we need to to live a long way away. I keep telling him that with them close by, there will be no planned, long distance, extended stay visits with anyone with everyone so close by. We can stop by once every few months for a 1-2 hours and be done with it.</p>
<p>My big problem is going to be with Christmas. My mom expects us to come to her house on Christmas. Problem is, I do not want to see my older brother or sister. I want nothing further to do with either one. Neither has kids of their own, both seem to think they know everything. My older sister is very insulting and mean all the time. She mades horrible cruel snide remarks all the time. This past summer finally sent me to the point where I realized that there is no point in trying to deal with her and I want nothing to do with her. (she tried to get involved in the whole college thing by trashing on me to my children, telling them that they have to go where she wants them to go, and then accusing me of lying about where they were applying, lying about when we went on vacation and where to, and so on, just ridiculous and petty stuff. She called around to people and made stuff up about us, she completely insulted my children to the point where my children never want to see her again, and I agree with them, oh, and she never even acknowledged my oldest child’s high school graduation, even though she is his God parent, while pretending she was working. But we were shown pictures by someone else where she was partying it up at a wedding and other things related to that wedding over the weekend. The person was not trying to cause trouble, they were just sharing the pictures. They did not realize the story my sister had given up about why she was not coming to the graduation or having anything to do with it). My brother pulled something similar with my son’s graduation, only he lives just a few miles from me. And, his wife’s daughter had a baby this past year (he married his wife when her kids were older, so he did not raise his wife’s daughter, in fact, the daughter is very close to her dad and used to live with her dad). Now he gets insanely jealous over anything with my daughter, who is just months older. Like, last Christmas, when my mom tried to take pictures of my daughter, my brother jumped in and literally, held his wife’s daughter’s daughter in front of mine so that my daughter would not be in any pictures. I just sat back and decided that this was all so crazy, and once he did what he did with the graduation, we were done. His wife has never wanted anything to do with us. She never even came to my son’s funeral. So, she wanted to spend the weekend of graduation shopping, and babysitting for her daughter’s daughter, and so on, so my brother blew off my son’s graduation in favor of shopping and visiting his wife’s side of the family. I am done with them!</p>
<p>Christmas day will be difficult. I know my parents will not respect my wishes on this. I will likely just call in sick. I have no obligations associated with any of them staying at my house.</p>
<p>Lmkh…don’t you have toddlers? We just flatly refused to travel anywhere ON Christmas day when our kids were little. We wanted to have our own quiet holiday at our house…with our little traditions. We invited the extended family to join us in the evening for dessert. No one ever came for that.</p>
<p>We did have one sibling and family for Christmas morning one year…but they live out of the country and it was a joy for our then preschoolers to share the holiday morning with theirs.</p>
<p>Call me selfish, but my immediate family’s joy and happiness at Thanksgiving trumps any extended family’s wishes or guilt trips. I realize that having my kids around for any Holidays in the future is not a given as they grow into adulthood and start their own families. As difficult as it would be to do, I’d get the gumption to tell unwanted Sis to make other plans. If it’s giving you sleepless nights now, you’ll be a basket case by the time the actual holiday rolls around…</p>
<p>Could you tell her that you don’t have room for her at your house, but she could come over for Thanksgiving. I stay at my mom’s place whenever I visit her in NJ, but come Christmas time when my siblings come back, I book 2 rooms at a local hotel for my family. It gives me some quiet time in order to cope with my siblings when I see them.</p>
<p>We also stay at a hotel when visiting the inlaws. There simply are NOT enough bathrooms to accommodate the extended family. Plus, it’s nice to have our own quiet spot.</p>
<p>I love this post! A few weeks ago I let my older sister know that I was traveling to visit our Aunt soon. The last time I went this sister ruined the trip for me. She was to arrive the day after but arrived the day before and so on. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by her. So, I did tell her that I wanted to see our Aunt alone…and then after 4 nasty emails she blocked me from hers. (YEAH!).
The thing to remember is that no matter how well it goes or does not go you will most likely feel bad. I felt very guilty for a week and then I felt immense relief. Now I feel sad that our situation is the way it is and it is never going to change. But! I would do it again. The only thing I would do differently is be blunter. I think I tried to be subtle at first to save face and it made things worse. Best of luck</p>
<p>I want to be honest to the point of stressing the lack of room. I have the bed space, but not enough seating at my table since I had custom made table and chairs that are high ( keeping our wanna be table surfing dog off )
Bathrooms are tight since our extra bathroom’s shower has a non-functional shower and that is where I keep my cat’s litter box. I have a full bathroom in my garage apt, but it will be shared with my other guests and daughter who is visiting.
I am basically short seating at my table as well as my living room.</p>
<p>I do not want to open the can of worms about her attitude and nastiness.
She * does * have an invite to my nephew’s home which is where most of our family will be but she doesn’t like to be around their young children ( who happen to be really delightful and sweet )
She has burned her bridges with her two daughters who live in Fla. One of them is married to a Jamaican man and she refuses to accept her son in law , even though he is very good to my niece.</p>
<p>H & I began going away for the Christmas holidays when oldest was six. Both our families lived in the area, and we began going away for no other reason that my husbands family was cold to me, yet had expectations that we see them for Christmas eve, and sometimes Christmas Day. We did this for 20 years.
This was often our family vacation for the year, as my husbands workplace in lieu of other holidays, gives employees time off from xmas to new years.
( also if we were out of town, they couldnt call him into work).
You dont have to tolerate people, but there are always trade offs.</p>
<p>Were I in your place, I’d email sis today and tell her what Classof2015 suggested. If you don’t want to address her attitude and behavior, then cut it short and simply state that she caught you off guard when she asked if she could come and it won’t be possible to host her. Period. Don’t explain or make excuses, because she may try to argue with whatever you say. If she responds with another request, just repeat the same statement. Should she try again (my obnoxious relatives always tried multiple times), I’d repeat the same response for the last time, prefaced with “As I told you…” and then block her emails, texts, phone calls, etc.</p>
<p>Generally, I’ve found that the (thankfully few) people in my life who’ve acted like your sister see nothing wrong in their behavior. They also rarely take hints, so you have to be firm and direct. </p>
<p>As for Christmas, you can tell your parents that if you can’t make arrangements to visit them on Christmas Eve, 12th Night (Epiphany), or some other time during the holidays, when your siblings will not be there, then they will have to miss out on your company. Should you arrive and find one or both of your siblings there, because “they’re faaaamily” after all (sorry, I’ve heard that whine before) you can just calmly tell your parents that you’ll come back another time and leave before anyone can launch a verbal attack.</p>
<p>It may be that telling her that she is welcome to join you for dinner, but that you cannot have her as a houseguest, could be enough to make her decide to go elsewhere, especially if there aren’t any hotel rooms nearby. Squeezing in a few additional non-family guests may make her behave at dinner. We use this method with our troublesome family guests–your call if it’d work with your sister. I know you have very limited seating space, but I’d add a card table and squish everyone together.</p>
<p>On the other hand–you say that other relatives are coming in part to get away from your older sister. And your older sister asked you just yesterday. Call her back, say that you’re sorry but your family’s plans for the holiday are already complete and you won’t be able to host her. Do not feel compelled to give reasons or explanations. </p>
<p>I like Kat’s strategy, but my experience is that in reality it is very very difficult if not impossible to remove people from a holiday dinner if they start acting up. They don’t go quietly, to put it mildly. She can have a second chance at a lower-stakes dinner. Or, you can try the shaming effect of having non-family guests to keep her in check.</p>
<p>I have been the non-family guest at a friend’s holiday dinner…my friend clued me in to the dynamic ahead of time. We had hopes she might behave, and my friend did not want to upset her parents by leaving her out, but she had had it with her aunt over the past several years.</p>
<p>When the family member began with the mean-spirited bad mouthing (yes, this narcissist actually thought she was feeding me little tidbits of family gossip as if I were her confidant), I gave her a chance to back track by pretending to misunderstand something she said–and then I called her on it by saying out loud, " I can’t believe you would call your own niece a slut, because she dresses like all the other teenage girls…"
It was fun watching how flustered she got.</p>
<p>I agree with Silpat. Don’t try to argue, just state the facts. You caught me off guard, after I had a minute to think it through, I realized I am not able to extend an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner. Something short and to the point. No, you can not come to Thanksgiving dinner. No explanation, since that would invite her to argue why your explanation is wrong. If you don’t do this now, you will be miserable from now through Thanksgiving weekend. Who needs that ? Go ahead and make the call, or send the email. It will be a relief, even if she screams and hollers. Just think to yourself, at least she is not ruining my Thanksgiving dinner. If she ruins a weekday in October, it won’t matter as much and you have time to get over it before the holidays.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posts above, if you try to give her some face saving reason you risk getting into a log discussion of the validity of the reason, you don’t owe a reason. Just say it won’t work. You don’t have to explain it to her.</p>
She can have a second chance at a lower-stakes dinner. Or, you can try the shaming effect of having non-family guests to keep her in check.</p>