the age-old problem of the freeloader boyfriend

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hey parents!</p>

<p>This year I moved into a condo with my best friend Lindsey and her friends Sarah and Amie. Amie’s been gone since September 1 since she’s been living with her boyfriend Matt at his parents’ house. She still pays rent at our place though, largely because her dad (who pays her rent) is unaware that she’s living with Matt and she has no desire to tell him. Lindsey and I have never really gotten along with Matt, so we were pretty thrilled when Amie moved in with him but continued paying rent with us. </p>

<p>Sarah’s boyfriend Nick was recently kicked out of his house, so Nick has been temporarily living with us until he finds a new place. I’m becoming sneakingly suspicious that Nick isn’t actively seeking a new living arrangement though, because he seems to really enjoy living with his girlfriend (and considering he’s contributing nothing to rent/utilities/etc, who wouldn’t enjoy it?). I don’t have a problem with Nick per se, but it’s getting a little annoying to always have the boyfriend over.</p>

<p>Tonight Amie texted us (first contact in 2 months!) to tell us that she and Matt would be moving back into our place this weekend. I’m absolutely furious, mostly because I really don’t like Matt and don’t think I should be required to put up with him and his friends in my house. Sarah and Lindsey are none too thrilled about Matt living here either.</p>

<p>I plan to tell (obviously as politely as possible) that no way is Matt living here. I assume she’ll protest because Nick’s currently living here, which means Nick will likely have to move out too. I sort of feel like the bad guy, but then again…cramming 6 people into a 4 person condo seems like it’ll create the environment that’s about opposite to the relaxing/welcoming vibes I crave in my house.</p>

<p>Our condo has 1 lease signed by all 4 of us. Do you have any idea what my legal obligations are to this lease in regards to freeloaders? I’ll check the document as soon as I locate it, but I was more concerned about liability (should something happen to Matt or Nick) and whether or not their continued presence is jeopardizing my future as a tenant here. </p>

<p>Any advice? I don’t want to be the bad guy, but more than that, I don’t want to deal with the stress of 50% more people–and their drama, which trust me is plenty–here than I initially agreed to. </p>

<p>Thanks for your help!
Kristin</p>

2

<p>…“something happen to Matt or Nick”…hmmm…what did you have in mind?</p>

3

<p>Definitely check your lease. They sometimes have rules about how long a guest may stay. You could already be in violation.</p>

4

<p>Why don’t you just establish that anyone staying more than a week pays rent.</p>

5

<ol>
<li><p>Check your lease. As emgamac says, some have rules about guests. (My own says that no one person can stay more than 30 days in a calendar year.) For your sake, I hope it does limit guests, because then you can say that you don’t want to be evicted and that’s why you object to having the guys stay. </p></li>
<li><p>Check your lease to see if EACH of you is liable for the entire amount of the rent if the others don’t pay. This is a not uncommon provision in the lease. Since neither of the guys has signed it, they have no legal obligation to pay rent. </p></li>
<li><p>If you do not already have renter’s insurance, get it ASAP. </p></li>
<li><p>The next time you move in with roommates, have a written contract among you regarding these things.</p></li>
</ol>

6

<p>You might offer to both girls the opportunity for their boyfriends to take over you and Lindsey’s spot on the lease and you two could move to a 2 person place and not have to deal with the hassle.</p>

<p>When the boys are unwilling or unable to pay rent and take over the lease, you won’t be the bad guys, they will be. It is not okay to move one’s BF in, though if you did not explicitly discuss that before renting, you obviously have to have the discussion now.</p>

<p>Once the BF begins hanging around it is almost a no win situation, so if they can take over the lease, then run far away, stay friendly, but let them enjoy their love nest. Their parents opinions are not your problem, so don’t let them play that card. If Amie did not tell her Dad she was living with Matt, she does not have to tell him Matt took your spot either.</p>

<p>It is really quite rude to think any roommate wants to enjoy your BF being a part of every day life and to think some other girl wants to share her HOME with a strange guy is so selfish and unthinking.</p>

7

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</p>

<p>Because the two guys might be willing to pay rent.</p>

<p>This still leaves 6 people in a 4-person condo, sharing common facilities (kitchen, bathroom(s), living room) intended for 4.</p>

<p>If you are a college student, you (with or without Lindsey, depending on whether she’s interested) might want to look at other living options for the spring semester. More people study abroad in the spring than in the fall, so there are usually sublets available for the spring. If you find one you like, you could then bring up the subject of Nick or Matt (or both, if Lindsey goes with you) taking over your share of the lease for the spring.</p>

8

<p>You have to (in a nice way) say that it is not ok for the bfs to live there. Check the lease re guest policy, and make sure not to violate it. Other neighbors can complain and turn you in. It is an abuse of the apartment for 6 to live where it should be 4, and the landlord/management company can throw you all out. Institute a guest fee for overnight guests to cover utilities etc., immediately, but follow the lease on permissible stays. I used to have a “share” in summer and winter houses decades ago, and the guest fee was one way to keep down the number of free riders. Above advice by others is good.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

9

<p>My daughter’s rental contract explicitly says only 2 people may live there. Most landlords do not want more people living there than what’s agreed in the contract. One reason maybe it could violate # of occupancy law (some towns are quite strict with that, you can’t have 2 families living in a one family home), another reason is depending on who pays for the utilities the landlord may end up paying for higher heating or electric bill, sometimes the unit’s hot water or heating unit may not be able to provide for 6 occupants. For those various reasons, you may have a problem with your landlord.</p>

<p>I would get everyone to agree with no boyfriend rule, and give Nick a week (or 2 weeks) to move out, mean while charge him a rent (split your rent 5 ways). If they don’t agree then offer to have the boyfreinds buy your contract out so you could get another apartment.</p>

10

<p>I would encourage you to hold a shareholder’s meeting ASAP. Tell them that you have several problems with what is happening. First, you were told that Nick’s stay was temporary, and it has gone on too long. That you signed up with 3 female friends, and did not expect nor agree to be sharing living quarters with more than that. That being said, the addition of another male friend is a further step in the wrong direction. </p>

<p>If you can find legal (lease) reasons to back you up, great. But if you can’t, so what? You are paying for less than you agreed to, and you have the right to object.</p>

<p>Then offer some solutions:

  1. Boyfriends leave.
  2. Couples leave, and find replacements for their portion of the rent.
  3. They can take over your portion of the rent, and you can find a new place.</p>

<p>If you keep it to the facts, and hold firm about not wanting to increase the number of people in the apartment, then you don’t need to offer compromises. The fact that Nick came after Amie moved out helps you in that it didn’t increase the number of folks sharing space. Now it does.</p>

<p>Of course, if you’d rather handle it passive-aggressively, you and Lindsey could each enlist the help of the girlfriend who needs a “temporary” space to stay, and let them be unpleasant guests! :)</p>

11

<p>Sounds like Nick and Matt need to get an apartment together. :D</p>

12

<p>Also check your local zoning ordinances. Around here, there are ordinances that say that no more than four unrelated people can share an apartment (and this is typical in “college towns” that want to limit the type of off-campus “Animal Houses” that sprout up). The 4 of you girls may be the limit, and since the BFs are not husbands, they’re not related to anyone in the house. </p>

<p>If having them there will violate zoning, again you won’t be the bad guy. “Sorry, Amie, it’s illegal.” Keep your text to prove that the BF intends to “move in”, not just visit.</p>

13

<p>You could always tell Amie and Sarah that you don’t want their boyfriends to move in because it will cause you to, by extension, be ‘living in sin’, and thus put you at risk for eternal damnation. You could even cite some crazy Bible verses for added effect.</p>

14

<p>Or make a pass to their boyfriends, I bet you they would move out pretty quickly</p>

15

<p>1) They either “share” their boyfriends, or,
2) You will sublet to a male “friend” who will expect sharing (“benefits”) from them!</p>

16

<p>I disagree with the advice that you give the guys the option of buying your space. </p>

<p>It is unlikely that this is legal. This constitutes a sublet and you usually need the landlord’s consent to do this. Check your lease. If you do and you go ahead without permission, the landlord may declare a default, evict the guys, and sue you. You will end up paying for two apartments. </p>

<p>Even if you can legally sublease and/or your landlord consents, it will not get you off the hook with the landlord. it will be a sublease, NOT an assignment to the guys. If Nick or Matt fail to pay, you’re liable. The landlord will not hesitate to sue you and your credit will be ruined. </p>

<p>We actually had a question from a poster on the lawboard about this a long time ago. A young man graduated from law school and took and passed the bar. He answered that he had never been sued on the bar application. That state checks–he had. There was a default judgment against him for unpaid rent. He’d let someone else take over the last several months of his lease, after college graduation. The someone didn’t pay the rent and the landlord sued him. Tenant skipped without telling the young man, who was now attending law school in a different state. He had not given the landlord his forwarding address. A default judgment was entered against him and he now owed the $ plus court costs and three or four years of interest. </p>

<p>Character and fitness committee wouldn’t recommend admission until the judgment was paid in full and he gave a sworn statement that he never knew about the action against him. </p>

<p>It may be an extreme case, but it happens. And, yeah, he thought his subtenant was a “friend.” </p>

<p>So, do not work out some compromise with the guys without your landlord’s consent.</p>

17

<p>Hey guys,</p>

<p>Thanks so much for all your help. Lots of great advice going on–and I’m laughing out loud about Bible references and “sharing” boyfriends. I’d completely forgotten about zoning laws, which do state that only 4 unrelated people can live in a single-family “dwelling” which is how our complex is zoned. I’ll add that to my list of things to bring up.</p>

<p>I have absolutely no desire to sublease to either of the guys. For one, I like living here and may want to renew my lease. For two, Nick couldn’t afford it anyway, seeing as he has basically no job and doesn’t have a source of income (which is why he hasn’t been paying us to stay here). </p>

<p>Fact of the matter is this: Matt’s not moving in. I’m not living with some guy I don’t like and I didn’t sign up to live with Amie and her boyfriend when I signed my lease. If putting my foot down on Matt means Nick has to leave too, then sorry Nick, but you’re gone also.</p>

<p>Another little twist: Matt and his identical twin, Ben, have never enjoyably spent more than 24h apart from each other. Both typically love living at home with their parents (who live in the same town where we all go to school) and Amie like(s/d) living there too because Matt’s mom treated her like the daughter she never had–made her dinner, took her shopping, doted upon her, etc. Matt’s family also takes care of Amie’s dog which she no longer likes (another situation in and of itself, but the dog is allowed in the apartment, so no problems there). I sense this “Matt’s moving in with us and I’m coming back” is some rash decision on Amie’s part, likely stemming from a temporary clash with Matt’s parents. Hopefully they’ll realize that living with Matt’s parents was all around better (no rent, free food, pet care, and just generally pleasant atmosphere with his great parents) and all of this will come to a close on its own.</p>

<p>What do you think of this plan?</p>

<p>1) “allow” Amie to return with Matt for like, the weekend, giving them time to simmer down from whatever conflict likely occurred at Matt’s parents’ house.</p>

<p>2) if they’re not out by beginning of the week, cite lease terms and zoning laws to encourage the boys to leave</p>

<p>3) if that doesn’t work, pull in the emotional “I didn’t sign up to live with your boyfriend and this is my house too” card</p>

<p>4) hopefully there won’t be a 4</p>

<p>If Amie and Matt balk about Matt not living here (since Nick does), then Nick’s gotta go too (it’s about time, he’s been here for 3 weeks). Luckily, Thanksgiving is coming up, so I’ll be gone for a week doing family stuff. This should give Nick ample time to continue his couch surfing career.</p>

<p>Come November 30, when I’m back from Thanksgiving break, there WILL only be 4 people in this house. Hopefully it’s not too harsh.</p>

18

<p>Your plan doesn’t sound firm enough. I’d bring up the issues before they move back in. Frankly, Matt’s parents sound over the top and maybe they suddenly get it that supporting and waiting on their college age son and his gf may not be in their child’s best interest. Perhaps they told them to get a life and being subsidized by you is their idea of doing so.</p>

19

<p>I agree. Look, as long as Amie wasn’t living there, there were only 4 people. So, you tell Amie that she can’t move back in with Matt because then there will be 6 of you and you tell Nick that he can’t stay because Amie’s paying rent and is returning, so he has to move because having more than 4 people violates the law. </p>

<p>You know now that it’s illegal for more than 4 people to share your apartment, so I actually think that the only fair thing is to let Amie know that NOW and tell her that she’s welcome back without Matt but not with him. You don’t want her to be able to say “We would have made other arrangements before we schlepped all of our stuff here if you had said something.” Let her choose now to move back without Matt or move somewhere else with Matt.</p>

<p>I think you’re very lucky that the law says 4 people. This way you have a ready answer to the "Why was it okay for Nick to move in with Sarah but it’s not okay for Matt to move it with me (Amie)? "</p>

20

<p>If you do face giving up your spot to the boys- DO NOT sublet, that leaves you liable on the lease.</p>

<p>DD had a serious roommate issue sophomore year and by winter had found a new person to take over her spot; we went through the landlord, though the new tenant had to pay DD her security deposit refund, the landlord would not handle that.</p>

<p>The old roommate had moved her guy in and got into an unstable lifestyle and ended up with a fire in the house at the end of the year and no refund of the $2000 security deposity; if DD had sublet, it would have been some of her money too!</p>