The backlash against over-parenting (Time magazine)

Parents Forum
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<p>One of our kids was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at age 4. The slightest exercise would send her into horrendous low blood sugars. She needed to have her finger pricked for a blood test every two hours, and needed frequent shots, and snacks. To this day, I hear judgments about how I had to hover, how I had to pull her from soccer games at age 5, to give her juice, all kinds of things that people didn’t understand, and preferred to judge rather than ask.</p>

<p>Moms will get judged no matter what they do.</p>

<p>I read about “benign neglect” once in Mothering Magazine, and decided at the time that that was closer to my actual style. What that means is, I went about my business while they played. I was always available, but did not get down on the floor to play with them (though I would certainly be a customer at their store, or watch their circus.)</p>

<p>I did not tell them what to play, but if they needed something from the shelf, I would get it for them.</p>

<p>If they said they were bored, I responded, “Just wait a minute, you are probably going to think of something cool to do.”</p>

<p>And yet, because I had to test my daughter’s blood sugar and give her juice when she was low, I am pretty sure I got pegged as a helicopter parent.</p>

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<p>judging is waaaaaay to easy to do.</p>

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<p>I did not push my obviously gifted S1 to put more energy into getting top grades, do all the “necessary” things to build his college resume, etc. Instead, I raised him like a free range chicken. No growth hormone. Through this aimless intellectual meandering, he found his passion and found his place in a school (univ) that is perfect for him.</p>

<p>A parent of one of his friends once said “it’s such a shame - a wasted opportunity” - something to the effect that I am not guiding him properly to make the most of his natural talent. By the way, this is the family that changed their last name’s spelling from one that obviously gives away their Chinese heritage to an Anglo sounding spelling, so that their son is not disadvantaged as an Asian applicant (ORM) to top universities. Now, that’s DEVOTION.</p>

<p>S1, a college freshman, is now doing all the EC stuff the other kids were doing in HS, which would have given him wonderful EC portfolio for college application. Like, mock trials, debate clubs, etc. Definitely a late bloomer on this regard, but enthusiastic late bloomer and the bloom is beautiful!!!</p>

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<p>My neighborhood friends (pre-k-12) and I are still friends, even though we live all over the place. On the occasions that we get together, we marvel about the fact that at a very young age (elementary school) we would leave our houses in the morning and return at dinner. No one worried, even though we were in the woods and around ponds, etc. </p>

<p>I grew up in NYC. I was in the rural borough (^obviously), yet we still took public transportation at a young age. I walked a mile or so home each day in elementary school alone or w/ fellow classmates, no parents. I used to play hookie in middle/high school and would go to Manhattan and walk around barefoot!</p>

<p>What is the difference today? It’s technology. We are constantly made aware of the dangers because of TV, the internet, cell phones. Our washing machines will be talking to us next! So we become helicopter parents. How can we not??</p>

<p>Technology has helped us, yet made us more paranoid and in some ways has endangered us.</p>

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<p>The media know that a headline screaming, “child abducted on way to school” will sell better than one saying “xxmillion children arrive safely at school.” We only hear about the scary stuff; little wonder that we tend to worry and protect.</p>

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<p>Modadunn, you are so right. Money has nothing to do with helicopter parenting. I guess it’s that so many of those moms who sent their kids to the private school where I taught could hover and those in the public are just more down-to-earth. The moms in the private school expected me to “fix” their kid’s issues, while the parents in the public schools are more realistic.</p>

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<p>I don’t know, guys. I went to HS in Manhattan and mom just asked - the night before first day of school, “Do you know the way to school?” Not cool. I was molested a number of times and exposed to things in the subway that I am really sorry I had to see. Parents were not aware and certainly did not prepare me for that crap. It was during the late 60s -70s. I didn’t let my kids travel to the city until they were probably juniors in HS. On the other hand, they have traveled internationally on their own, traveled extensively with us to remote parts of the world, lived independently but we made sure they knew what to expect and what they were doing.
9yo on the subway - well, I wouldn’t do it…</p>

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<p>Depends. A kid that was born and raised in Scarsdale and never left Westchester county ever in their lives? No chance. However, a kid who lived in New York City or some other large city? Absolutely.</p>

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<p>Limabeans - I really think that has more to do with the culture of a school than whether or not the school is private or public. The level of parent involvement at my kids school is really high, but not so much in the classroom. At the public school when my daughter was there, there are parents volunteering in the college resource room (a complete no-no at our private) and there definitely seemed to be more competition among parents for their kids’ grades and whether or not their kid was “gifted” or not. All of this to say, it’s a cultivated culture, not a sure thing. The kids are our private school go to some of the best schools in the country and it is really clear that letting the school and the teachers do the job they were hired to do is working. HOWEVER… there are some things these teachers are required to do as part of their job that were not required at public school.</p>

<p>1) If the kid is getting less than a C, the parents are notified during interims (which is the halfway point between quarters). So, if the kid has a C-, his parents are going to know. And while it’s mandatory at interims, most teachers will communicate prior to that especially if there seems to be a slope going on.</p>

<p>2) If you cannot make it to 1st and 3rd quarter conferences (strongly strongly encouraged that you attend with your child btw), teachers are required to write comments about progress on the report card. All students receive detailed comments at the end of the semester and the end of the year.</p>

<p>3) All teachers are required to utilized some sort of communication for homework, etc. Whether they use an old fashioned syllabus or put it online, this is the one thing that I could never get with any kind of regularity from the teachers at my older daughter’s public school. It is very hard for a kid with ADHD to plan their schedules and improve time management when things are thrown at them willy nilly. </p>

<p>4) No kid is required to take more than two tests and one quiz in one day. Rarity, but sometimes it happens and so the kid is allowed to reschedule the 3rd test. It used to be the same for religious holidays, but it was determined that it’s worse to miss the review than the test itself (which you can make up), so now it’s no test review days to fall on religious holidays.</p>

<p>Besides general rules about honor code and the rest, this is about all but primary as you might deduce is communication between home and school. They develop a strong aura of mutual respect. AND there is a great chain of command that the students are encouraged to use (AND that actually works in a very very fair way). </p>

<p>Is this every school? No. But I really appreciate not needing to be concerned with the day to day since the teachers are far more on top of things than I could ever be even if I was hovering endlessly.</p>

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<p>I guess the question for me is the progression to independence. Would I put a kid on a subway at nine? NO. I took my kids on public transport here in Chicago at that age, and then by the time they were fifteen or so, they were using it alone with friends.
There are suburban kids who don’t go on at nine and then still don’t go at fifteen and beyond. They are afraid to, or mom and dad still don’t trust them to.
And another side effect of the helicoptering in this regard that drives me crazy – the kids don’t learn how to orient themselves and get places! My Ds can’t believe the number of their schoolmates who just don’t know how to get places – can’t follow simple directions, can’t read maps, certainly couldn’t figure out a bus schedule, don’t even know the names of streets or which way north is.</p>

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<p>At 10, I flew 15 hours by myself (well I was accompanied by an adult) overseas so I was kind of abnormally independent, but by 14, I think most kids should be able to do most things by themselves.</p>

<p>By 10, I was flying overseas w/o parents.
By 14, I was booking my own plane tickets.
By 18, my parents don’t know when I’m coming home until I tell them.</p>

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<p>My DS wanted to visit his GF (CA-NYC), so I told him to make the flight reservations. He did a first try, but I wanted him to take a cheaper flight that he didn’t know about and he wanted to stay there longer. In the end, we made them together. Is that hovering? It’s actually called scaffolding, but I thought it was a good first step. They may not be as comfortable as ^^^ but it’s a start.</p>

<p>PS: I always thought a helicopter parent was a parent involved in <em>every</em> detail in the child’s life, not just how he/she negotiates the streets of NYC.</p>

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<p>Helicoptering to promote achievement is a very contagious form of the disease. You see other parents doing things to assist or further their kids. At first you’re surprised, annoyed, or appalled. You never would have thought of doing those things. However, it doesn’t faze you much initially. Then after a certain tipping point when you’ve observed the parental behavior more than a few times, you start questioning yourself, asking “Am I supposed to be doing that?” Next thing you know, you’re saying “Well, if everyone else is doing that, my kid is going to be at a disadvantage it I don’t too.” Unless you’re very secure in yourself and your kid is perfectly fine without you.</p>

<p>This month my little one, who’s not particularly aware of what others do, told me that the other kids were e-mailing their in-class reports and projects home from school for their parents to edit and help them. She wasn’t doing that and was confused about whether she should be. I ignored it at first, telling her she was just fine. But then I learned that one project, a short story, was going to be presented publicly in front of all the parents later that week. Well, that turned on my propeller. D has learning disabilities, esp. in writing, and so I was not happy about her own work being compared with the work of parents. I didn’t help her with the work, but I confess I did complain to the teacher. Supposedly, the teacher got angry at the kids for doing that and made them submit their rough drafts with the final copy so she could ensure they hadn’t received help they weren’t supposed to. I felt embarrassed I intervened, but I also feel that teachers can curb some of this behavior if they stop accepting parents’ work.</p>

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<p>I have friends who are on the whole not helicopter parents, but the dad edits the papers/essays of their college senior. Where does it end? At some point the student has to be responsible. Is dad going to edit memos/reports before they are submitted to a future boss?</p>

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<p>Our dc’s school has had the kids turn in rough drafts, and each revision to see if the work is the student’s or parents.</p>

<p>As far as helicopters…I take it to mean being involved in every detail, not allowing the student to make age appropriate choices and interfering with them developing life skills so that when they are launching out on their own to college–they can handle what they will face…</p>

<p>With two kids, ages 13 and 16…we want them to be growing–but also know about threats they don’t see…</p>

<p>I look back on my childhood and growing up–
walking to and from school–all weather/pouring etc and all the other kids got rides…and yeah I felt neglected…I recall many times waiting at the school in the pouring rain thinking surely mom would show up…nope.
I dont think it ever occurred to her to drive since it was “only a mile”…so from age 5 onward that was the drill.</p>

<p>I was allowed to roam our typical middle class neighborhood with the other kids…and we came home at the end of the day by hearing a “fog horn” blast from the back porch (other kids’s moms had "cow"bells etc)
…but times were supposedly “safer” …I think perhaps my folks were naiive…
still when I think about how we would roam new home construction sites, or get water from a neighbors well…and could have ended up in the bottom of it…
we did alot of dangerous things…</p>

<p>As a teen by curfew was 12:30pm which was very generous…
and teens then were finding plenty of mischeif…
My parents let me go with a “friend” to a concert in NYC at age 14…traveled by train/tubes etc…</p>

<p>As for college search help–I was given a Barron’s, a stack of 20 pre-paid postcards and told to look up schools and send a request for a cataloge.
No help, none…no guidance about admissions forms, essays etc…
My mom had not gone to college (and my dad had gone to the local college…and things were different in the late 50s…) My parents have never asked about homework, grades etc. I didn’t know there was a class rank until it was too late (Sr fall)…I had coasted with Bs and without studying…finishing in 3 yrs…had I had more guidance my grades would have been better…</p>

<p>My DH’s folks were even less involved as his parent’s were very very involved in his dad’s career…he got little support of any kind…from as a small child to college…He is not interested in being over-involved or a helicopter dad but does want to be here and available in day to day life and relationships…and be there </p>

<p>We try to balance giving our dc guidance, boundaries and freedom to grow. </p>

<p>Most parents of our dc’s friends are very loose in their style–and we know the kids are doing alot of crazy stuff but the parents are pretty into their own fun…Its sad so many don’t even have dinner as a family at all…</p>

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<p>When I started dating, my mother told me, “If you want to know the character of a man, don’t look at how he treats you or his boss or anyone who can do something for him. Look at the way he treats waiters and doormen, janitors and bus drivers. That will tell you who he is.”</p>

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<p>I don’t know, my husband asks me to read his speeches and give him feed back. Am I a helicopter wife? I think a reasonable amount of that just comes with the territory of being an interested family member. How many authors thank their wives in the acknowledgments for reading the manuscript and giving their impressions?</p>

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<p>I used to joke about how much hand-holding ‘my’ parents (the parents of my students) would do. I used to say, “It’s okay to help now, but don’t plan to go to college with him.” That was when their kids were in elementary school. Now I think they might!</p>

<p>fogfog…The cow bell wasn’t at our house, but when we heard it, we knew it was almost dinnertime for us too, and off we went.</p>

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<p>It seems to me that it is all about balance. What may work in one environment may not work in another. What may work with one kid may not work with another.</p>

<p>The goal is to get from complete dependence at birth to complete independence.</p>

<p>By our community standards, I started out far on the side of “strict” and ended (with
S in HS) far on the side of “liberal.” Son got more and more freedom and independence as he developed and demonstrated the ability to responsibly handle the same.</p>

<p>I know that we were fortunate. I know it does not work for all kids. But it did work for us.</p>

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<p>Here’s one I’m sure most of us haven’t experienced yet - helicopter grandparents! My sister is a grandmother to 5,4,3,2 year old boys and I can’t believe the way she’s on top of them all the time. It’s almost like GFG said, it’s contagious. There seems to be a competition amongst her friends as to how intrusive they can be in their children/grandchildrens lives even though they weren’t like that as parents. Yuck!!!</p>