Our Family’s Take on "Is Boarding School Worth It?"

Prep School Admissions
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As my kids head off to college and I graduate from this forum, I wanted to share our personal experience with this community on the topic above. We’re from an academically strong suburban town in the U.S., where many kids go on to top-50 colleges (whatever that really means). Our story might sound like an outlier, but after talking with other parents around the graduation time, we realized we weren’t alone. We’ve experienced public, local private, and boarding schools, and honestly, the college outcomes weren’t that different among them for a town like ours.

Here’s what we learned about a boarding school.

Academics
The boarding school our kids chose was large and one that we often discussed in this forum, with a wide range of classes and a setup that felt like college, where students picked their own schedules and managed heavy workloads. It definitely built time management and independence.

That said, the whole idea of boarding school is that parents are not closely involved, so while I believe my kids received a solid education, it’s honestly hard to gauge what their day-to-day classroom experience was really like. I could tell that my other kid’s experience at a local private school was wonderful, in part because they shared their day-to-day experiences with us, and we had plenty of opportunities to meet the teachers.

Resources
The resources were outstanding, featuring great facilities, excellent athletic coaches, healthy meals, and solid funding. Athletes were well-supported, and academic programs had ample funding. We believe that my kids from the boarding school are more prepared for college than my others from local private schools, not because of the teachers or education they receive, but rather because of the abundant resources and learning how to utilize them.

Discipline, Culture & Boarding Life
My kids had a great time living with friends. They were always busy, surrounded by peers, and often too caught up in school life to take our calls. But that constant togetherness comes with a cost, especially when it’s amplified by the “cutthroat” culture I describe below.

What does it mean? Living on campus also means constant supervision, and even small, harmless things that any normal teenager might do can quickly turn into disciplinary issues. If you live like a typical high schooler in the U.S., you’ll probably find yourself disciplined at some point. At home, you can grab a snack from the fridge at midnight; in the dorms, you’re not allowed to have a fridge in dorm rooms or access food outside the dorm after curfew. If you get hungry and order delivery food after curfew, you will be disciplined and kicked out of school after two attempts. It’s hard to see that as healthy or reasonable for teenagers who are simply trying to live like normal kids.

The school’s judicial system also feels deeply flawed — I found myself reading and re-reading the policies because I had to. At our local schools, I never bothered to look at the section on disciplinary actions in the student handbook; it was simply not something we didn’t have to worry about.
I also got the impression that staff weren’t allowed to overlook minor, harmless “incidents.”
Instead, they seemed pressured to report everything, and I even heard that dorm parents could be disciplined themselves for failing to file a report.
Naturally, the students picked up on this — and some began using that hyper-vigilant environment as part of the cutthroat culture, turning small mistakes into opportunities to get others in trouble, which is discussed next.

What does “cutthroat” really mean?
Before our kids enrolled, I’d often heard people call competitive schools cutthroat here in this forum, but I didn’t understand what that meant until I saw it firsthand. In Junior year, a hyper-competitive, zero-sum mindset takes over, and college admission becomes everything. Under pressure from parents and peers, students begin to view their classmates as rivals rather than friends.
Many believe the school limits the number of students who can apply to popular colleges and that athletes or legacy students have an unfair edge, which only deepens the tension and resentment.

Then the school’s anonymous reporting system amplifies that mentality.

It is used not as a safety measure, but as a tool to eliminate competition by leaving disciplinary action on your competition’s transcript. How naive was I not to realize this before I witnessed it?

What’s frustrating is that this kind of culture doesn’t exist at our local schools in a typical US suburban town, where families seem to understand there’s more to life than college admissions. Many are affluent, yes, but they use that stability to help their kids find balance and happiness — not to turn every moment into a competition.

Final take..

So….Was boarding school worth it? Maybe, but only for the academic and meal portion of the tuition, not for the boarding portion.

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I am sorry your family had a bad experience. You should name the school, as otherwise newbie parents will think your experience is something at all, or most, boarding schools.

I had three at boarding schools – Millbrook and Hotchkiss – and thankfully none of them had the experience your family did.

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That is my understanding also. Certainly I have known plenty of students who went to highly ranked universities from very ordinary suburban high schools. I have also known plenty of students who went to good but relatively “ordinary” undergraduate universities (let’s say 50 to 150 ranking) and then attended very good and very highly ranked graduate programs (eg, Ivy League or MIT or Stanford and/or “top 10” for the major).

I think that there may be valid reasons to attend a private high school, or even a prestigious boarding high school, but it is not obvious to me that getting into a good university is one of them.

Of course private high schools include things like Montessori and Waldorf schools, which may be focused more on having results similar to the competitive suburban public high schools but with less stress and more cooperation. This is of course somewhat different compared to a “prestigious” private boarding high school.

This is a valuable thing to learn. I think that we all need to learn it at some point.

This is bad enough at suburban public high schools.

OMG. This is sad.

It seems to me that life in general requires a lot of cooperation and a little bit of competition. Perhaps I would want my kids to attend schools that have the mix the right way here.

We had experience with some private schools, but they were all Montessori and/or Waldorf schools so limiting stress and encouraging cooperation was more the primary theme. Even here when one daughter decided to attend a small university in Canada that none of the other students had heard of she was bugged about it to some extent (this of course went away the moment that she arrived in Canada).

I can see how at a private boarding school there might be quite a bit of pressure to attend a highly ranked university, whether it makes sense or not in any particular case.

I think that one big reason that we did not consider a boarding high school was that we wanted to spend as much time with our kids as we could. When they were in elementary and middle school as one example each year I took 6 Monday afternoons off to ski with them and their school ski program. I still think that this is one of the best and most important things that I have ever done in my life.

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Boarding school (Hotchkiss, in our case) certainly was worth it for our child/family, but I’m sure it depends on the particular school, student and one other rarely mentioned factor—the leadership. Our student was fortunate to attend during the stewardship of head of school Craig Bradley, who consistently sets the bar for effective, forward-thinking executive leadership and is a master at managing a pluralistic institution during tumultuous times. He’ll be a tough act to follow for the next head of school, who begins next year. I wish her the best.

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Anonymous reporting is a very specific feature, and will almost always foster an internal culture of competition. We noted it at both Lawrenceville and Exeter in our original search. (It may be at other schools as well? These are the two we came across.) These schools were ruled out by us based both on size and the energy they gave. Some students will thrive in such a setting. Others wont. Some simply want something different for themselves and their relationships. But I cannot imagine reading that in a Student Handbook and not perceiving a red flag if such a culture does not appeal.

I highlight this because I think that reading the Student Handbook and asking explicit (and occasionally unpleasant) questions about the school culture should be part of the process before committing to attend.

This baffles me. Sending your child to live on campus is so different from being a day student. The risks, responsibilities and rewards are all amplified in a boarding setting. While I don’t worry about it, that is only because I made sure I knew what my child was signing up for in advance. If a prospective family is reading the ‘Is Boarding School Worth It’ analysis, they need to ask if a specific school is a fit (as opposed to just being worth it) for a specific student.

Our search process was really deep culturally and academically, and oddly specific regarding discipline. We asked each school if kids ever sneak out at night, and what they got up to when they did. Because we suspected the honest answer was: sooner or later…a few always do (because teenagers), we really appreciated the AOs who were honest. It was a litmus test for trust in a way. No school dinged our kid because we parents asked too many questions. If you are afraid to be the PITA parent during applications, then become that parent on March 10. But ask about everything you really want to know. One school, a top choice for our kid initially, put us in touch with a current parent to get a parent perspective. The glowing report did not disappoint. Then I asked a few granular questions about the food. And we realized the school probably was not a fit. The kid has to live there. I asked a recently graduated student (a family friend) from one school about the culture of sex and consent. She gave me a straight up answer that made sense. How can a parent hand over a 14 or 15 year old for months, then years, at a time if they can’t ask anything they might want to know in advance?

It never occurred to me to look at a school’s college matriculation and think the list was relevant to my specific child. That is not part of my valuation of the experience. Which is not to say I don’t value university. I very much do. But I just don’t feel that transactional about the process. We are more interested in the journey than the destination at this stage. I hope I don’t feel differently in a year or two, but I certainly won’t feign surprise if I do.

I do appreciate this post/thread. 'Are the sacrifices worth the gains? is not only a fair question, but an excellent one. I’m pushing back because I would suggest that parents consider what their family values before evaluating the experience through someone else’s lens of one specific school. We had terrific academics and facilities at our day school. Dozens of the schools discussed here have the same and better. It was the boarding and culture component that our kid wanted most of all. Worth it? I suspect so.

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As we always say here, boarding school is about a stellar high school education, not college outcomes; colleges admit students, not high schools. The types of students who are cherry-picked by boarding schools are those likely do very well with college acceptances from any high school they attend, public or private.

I think this thread is valuable in highlighting to prospective families how important it is to do thorough research on the schools they are considering before applying and encouraging using this forum as one of those research tools. There is a lot of institutional capital here and many experienced parents who are willing to share the highs and lows.

Our son is ten years out of BS and quite grateful for the experience, especially the strong preparation for college work, the peer collaboration (not cutthroat), the time management and self-advocacy skills, and the early independence gained. For him, it was a very smooth transition to college, even to a service academy. He hopes to be able to gift his own children with the experience someday as he definitely considers it worth it.

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With a kid now several years out of college, we feel like the BS $ were the best educational $ spent. But like @cheerfulmom , we really focused on culture and picking a place that would allow growth - academically, socially, emotionally, etc. Unlike the school you describe, it was a place where you were expected to be your best, but there was no “the best”. For me, that was really important. It is true that comparison is the thief of happiness!

DS’ classmates were really supportive, as evidenced by the fact that almost a decade out, they make the effort to stay in touch snd see each other.

It’s important in picking a school to understand what you want from the experience - and that can be tough to work out as the schools “sell” themselves, maybe making you re-think your priorities. If you get it right, these can be 4 transformative, amazing years.

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I’ve never heard of anything like an anonymous reporting system at any of the schools that my kids have attended (day or boarding). Sounds horrifying and I don’t understand its purpose. Nor have my kids found their peers to be cutthroat or competitive with each other. Though certainly they’ve had some very driven classmates, it struck me more that those ambitious kids were focused on stretching themselves to do their best not to beat their peers. My kids haven’t experienced a zero-sum mindset about the college process or about succeeding in school in general. My sense is that some public and private day schools can be just as cutthroat as boarding schools. The nice thing about independent schools for students who are privileged enough to attend is that parents can try to find one with a culture that matches their family’s values. I imagine that is true for families who live where there is public school choice or the ability to choose from different types of charter school communities as well, but my guess is that the range of choices is usually more limited.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts & experiences. I agree with some parts of your post, but not all. My main thought is that you/your family picked the wrong boarding school for your child (happens with colleges as well).

Again, thanks for sharing. It takes courage. Our experience was different, but it could have been similar if we had selected a different boarding school.

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I’ll point out that not every kid at boarding school is coming from a place where their local public school can compare to what is offered at boarding school and might not have nearby privates that fit their needs. Be it course offerings,the mindset of the majority of students, or how the district viewed gifted kids with learning differences, our public school just wasn’t an option. Of the nearby options, we had boarding schools or religious schools. And once it was clear that boarding schools were the best option, it opened up boarding schools outside of our daily commuting radius (most of the boarding schools were just too far to be able to balance a packed high school schedule and a commute and still feel part of the community).

We were very focused about “fit” for both our son and our family. We were not seeking name recognition or matriculation boosts. We were seeking an experiential education with courses that would both challenge S23 and keep his love of learning and insatiable curiosity intact. What we found were mentors and exposure to academic fields that he never would have had access to in other settings.

Our question wasn’t what college our kid would attend, but what he would do once he got there. For that, there is no doubt that boarding school was worth it for our student. When I see him on campus now, I know what I’m seeing is a very different outcome than if he had stayed in our local public school.

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As a parent relatively new to the idea of using a boarding school versus our local day schools (thanks to our D30 wanting to explore that option), that was certainly my immediate thought.

I do think it helps we had zero complaints with the day school our S24 attended. Academically, socially, activities, college counseling, general preparation for the transition to college . . . it all went great for him, and we would happily send our D30 there. Including for boarding, which they have although it is majority day.

So boarding for her/us is all about the boarding experience itself. I mean, not that we would want a downgrade in other areas, but nor are we looking for an upgrade. And I think that is maybe making it pretty easy for us to simply scratch any school, no matter how well-resourced or well-regarded in other ways, that does not appear to score extremely highly in terms of what she is looking for in a community experience.

And listening to other parents here, and also elsewhere, share experiences is an important part of that process for us. Not that we expect no negative reviews at all, but repeat sentiments that indicate a school is or is not particularly suited for our daughter are valuable to us.

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Can’t have said it any better.

I chose the handle “Indysceptic” because I too questioned the logic of sending my kid to a boarding school that will effectively lower the odds of them getting into a “top” college. We also live in a great school district and are fortunate to have many top day schools in our area. As we went through the process, looked at schools and spoke to kids and families, our focus shifted from transactional to holistic. And now I’m completely turned around on the topic. I’m less focused on where my kid goes to college than who they are going in.

Early days, but the growth we’ve already seen in our kid simply wouldn’t have happened if they went to our great LPS or one of the Independent Day Schools, and I project that they will do great no matter where they go to school after. Expensive way for them to learn these important life skills, but I feel like a more permanent one. And she loves it there. Couldn’t be happier, and wouldn’t have been as happy at our LPS, I’m convinced. She says over and over that she’s really glad she chose the place.

I will also say that we applied to a lot of fancy schools and not one of them said “Come here so your kid can go to an Ivy.” The school we ultimately chose in fact cautioned against that kind of thinking. I can’t speak to the poisonous competitive environment you unfortunately experienced, but the kids at our school seem very supportive. I will say that they are highly motivated and put a lot of pressure on themselves to do well; too much pressure in my opinion. But that is the case with the top kids at our public and certainly the case at the Independent Days.

Very sorry you experienced this. As others have said, sounds like it was a bad fit.

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Again I have no direct experience yet with boarding schools, but I would agree that at college prep high schools in general, there is very little you can do to entirely keep peers from competing with each other, including as to college admissions. That’s just too fundamental to our sort of socioeconomic system, and they are going to be learning about that system (sometimes arguably mislearning) from each other, mass media, social media, and so on.

But I do think you can at least ask the other important adults in their lives to have values broadly consistent with your own. And I also think you can at least shade the peer mix in your preferred direction by understanding, as well as you can, how other kids/families are picking their schools. You can then choose the schools where the most common perceptions of institutional value-added are most closely aligned with your own values.

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Fully agree. Culture is everything.

I will say, however, that having left an Independent PK-8 school, I worry more about the parents than the kids. I watched some very uncomfortable behaviors around the Secondary School admissions process that were clearly parent-driven. There was a lot more mania around “Where are you gonna go?” amongst the parents than the kids.

I say all this to say, sometimes its the parents that the kids need insulating from and that the right boarding school can help with that. As I tried to say, I don’t (and didn’t) see much peer-to-peer competition. It is and was mostly internal. But I only have perspective from one place, where, for the most part, the kids love and root for each other.

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Yeah, I’ve certainly seen my share of parents like that too. We are a bit lucky in that our independent K-8, among the notable local options, isn’t necessarily the one parents like that would be most likely to pick. But that doesn’t mean it never happens.

And then our S24’s independent high school WAS one parents like that would pick. Fortunately they were still very outnumbered, but they definitely showed up in things like college counseling parent zooms and such.

To clarify something else, I also meant to be referring broadly about peers competing, to include cases where the peers are not at all cutthroat and are very supportive, and yet the kids still at least internally want to do well as compared to their peers, including not just peers in their school but in general. At a certain point labels aren’t so useful, each kid is subject to their own thinking about such things, but the point I was trying to make is I feel like kids are sometimes going to find ways to think like that regardless of the best efforts of their parents and institutions.

And I think that is OK, even if sometimes it can be a little hard to watch.

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Very hard to watch and virtually impossible to stop.