We are in the application process for DS30 … and his Dad and I have very different thought processes. I am focused on fit and personal/athletic/academic growth for our son. Dad is focused on school name/prestige/matriculation. DS is an athlete with potential - but not likely to be going D1. I think DS is also leaning more towards fit than prestige but it’s an interesting dynamic we are in - as I try to stay non-commital, listen to what DS says, ask questions for further introspect, and let him guide the process to find the best fit. Obviously a lot of it comes down to acceptances (and FA) but it is frustrating (for me - I think DS tunes it out) when his Dad is so hyper-focused on getting him into the right school for the right college and not listening to what he wants out of his BS years. We are divorced, but get along. 
That certainly sounds challenging! It can’t be easy for the kid either when parents have different values, but I don’t see much option other than for you to keep being clear and consistent in expressing your values.
I will say my guess is just the fact you are actually listening will be helpful in the long run.
I feel like I need to push back on this a bit, not so much the concept of making sure that the discipline is appropriate, but this whole notion of “you’ll hear from our lawyer” if it’s not fixed. It just is not the message I think we should be sending to our kids or to the school administration. I think it leaves them hamstrung when they actually do need to discipline a kid who has violated the policies of the school for whatever reason. Maybe they look the other way one too many times because they don’t want Johnny’s dad to call his attorney, and then something truly terrible does happen down the road. We all want to believe our kids aren’t capable of bullying or harassment, but you just never know when something kids think is innocent enough is definitely not for the person who’s the victim.
If you’ve chosen this school, you’re forming a social contract with them. You understand and are buying in to the community they are trying to build and the education they aim to provide. But if every time a kid gets accused of (or even caught for) a transgression that may appear on a transcript, a parent threatens to call their lawyer, it means not everyone is playing by the rules of the contract. Those with kids at these schools who can’t run to an attorney to threaten legal action when their kid gets accused of something are left with consequences, as well as the message that the rules apply to some kids all of the time but for other kids it only applies some of the time, if at all. I had hoped that this had changed since my four years at a GLADCHEMM in the late 80s when the kids with means definitely got away with way more than those with less. Different times and some different disciplinary challenges, to be sure, but it sadly doesn’t seem much different.
For parents reading OP’s comments about anonymous reporting and how it impacts a school culture, I would say it’s really important for parents and kids to read the school’s discipline policies before committing, do your due diligence and ask current parents about the school’s culture around discipline and reporting, and be familiar with the process before kids find themselves embroiled in it. And FWIW, I have also not seen or heard of students reporting other students in an effort to derail their high school career or “eliminate competition”. That sounds like a really problematic cultural issue at OP’s school.
This is hard! A friend and I were just talking about how parenting stresses marriages (intact or not), and a decision like this is definitely a big stressor.
If your DH believes the name brand schools are truly better, it might be helpful if your spouse had some understanding of how the “prestigious” schools differ from the ones that are seemingly a better fit and where they don’t.. The “brand name vs hidden gem” discussion has been had (too) many times here. Some of the takeaways include that the very top students in both groups will look very much the same, but the a less selective schools may have a wider academic range. And as you probably know, matriculation lists at any school are heavily influenced by legacy, fac brats, recruited athletes, etc so are not necessarily indicative of what will happen for your kid. All of these schools are excellent, but it’s true that they are not equally good for every kid.
Of course, if DH’s preference is simply the “happier to talk about it at a cocktail party”, you’ve moved into a different, but not uncommon, kind of reasoning.
It’s not unusual for admissions to make the decision for you, especially if FA is a consideration. I hope that you can keep the fit schools in play through M10 and continue to discern what will be the best place for your son to live, be nurtured, learn, and mature for the next 4 years. One of the best things about this (sometimes difficult) application process is that it allows a student to be really thoughtful about what they want for themself and from their school for these critical 4 high school years. Most students march through the progression in their local systems without that opportunity, so make the most of this “gift” of reflection and intentionality! Good luck to you, and feel free to lean on this community.
I agree with your comment entirely. We have had 12 years of boarding school, and have always had a lot of trust in administrations to adjudicate things rather fairly. The social contract, as you describe.
With respect to “getting a lawyer”, I was being somewhat euphemistic, and referring specifically to the idea that “anonymous reporting” was being gamed by “cutthroat” students in order to reduce or eliminate perceived college admissions competition.
I have never seen anonymous reporting misused in such a fashion, and I don’t believe Exeter, Lawrenceville, or other schools allow it to be misused so blatantly. And I do think that any parent who felt their kid was a victim of such a process only because their kid was considered competition, and was innocent, would actively engage with the school to deal with the matter.
That having been said, AR simply isn’t misused in such a manner.
Have you visited schools yet? If not, it may shift the needle. My kid and husband were more focused on prestige initially. When we visited the most prestigious school on our list, we had a strongly negative reaction–so strong we considered not even doing the interview. (We did the interview. It was as painful as the tour.) Anyway, it was so obvious that this school was not the right place. After that experience, we all became more focused on fit. Anyway, the point is that the thinking will likely evolve during the process (and it will necessarily change when you get admissions decisions).
Yes we have visited. The very first visit was a top tier, highly prestigious school that we all liked - UNTIL we did more visits. That school has since come off the list for all of us. DH has not been with us on all visits - and not on the one that is a top contender for DH. He has been taking part when I send links to virtual events and that has definitely helped open his eyes to what DS is feeling when it comes to fit. DS turned down suggestion to apply ED to the school DH prefers, saying he wants to go to revisit days before he decides, so thats progress!
So I do agree that children can get a top notch education in any school system (public, private, boarding, etc) pending on what is available to your family. Boarding school should not be the holy grail for getting into college as we are sure that our top student would have faired better at her private school then being one of many at her highly competitive BS. That being said there are so many amazing growths, experiences and opportunities to be gained at BS. There are also real lessons in competition and struggling that have been learned along the way. But that is life, and for our child so far, the right choice.
Regarding this thread regarding reporting. I am so sorry that was your child’s experience at their school. While lville has this in place I do believe it is a safety measure. The children are collaborative even in their toughest junior year. This is not an abused or overused process. Truthfully, I am not even sure how much it’s used, but I do think it’s good that it’s in place, if needed. As an actual family at the school verse one making assumptions, this has just not been our experience. Though not to say that, maybe it has been someone’s.
Regarding food, well, I can speak directly to our school. I know a lot of other schools have these things in place as well so I’m going to share them so perspective families don’t think their children are going to starve. At our school, food is unlimited during meals as they are all buffet and you could take as much as you want. There are snacks and fruit out throughout the day so the kids can get something running to class or when they feel they need that pick me up before sports game, etc. teachers and Dean’s also have food in closets and in rooms to also give the kids a little snack if needed. There are Saturday night feeds ( I truly hate that term, but here it might be helpful) where there is a late night snack for kids after a dance or event or whatever was happening that night. Dorms have kitchens where children can use refrigerators, microwaves, stoves, etc. many schools have cafés that are extra money, bookstores where they can purchase a snack. Some have towns that are considered walking distance on campus and of course there is DoorDash. Yes, the last ones are additional funding, but we would have to put food in the refrigerator at home, too. My child has never complained that she doesn’t have enough food at school if anything too much, but of course that has not kept her from wanting to go get the extra treat occasionally.
There are reasons for rules, just like in homes. Either so many students there need to be rules and they need to be followed. So no students should not be surprised that they get in trouble if they break the rules.
Each family needs to assess why they are deciding on BS. Really know their child and what will work for them and their family. Nothing is foolproof…the best intentions often go astray. But it can be a wonderful journey as well. Good luck to all those embarking on the BS process. May you find the right fit.
Our kids could have fridges and microwaves. In fact, they supplied the fridge and there were micorwaves in the lounge. Kids could walk to town or stock up using the weekend shuttle. Fruit was always available in the dining hall. My kid even ended up buying Tupperware to bring a “second dinner” back to his room. He was the kind of kid who always talked to the dining staff and really cared if they were happy, and they took to him immediately. He was an athlete and didn’t like to eat a big meal at lunch if he had to wrestle that day, so they always had something packed up for him on game days that he could eat after weigh-in. We know of some picky eaters who the staff always had something available for. Whether it was keeping the sauce off of something or having a specific brand of something available. Our school even had the students send in their parents’ recipes of favorite foods so they could make them. I think my son was the one to get matzoball soup on the menu. I’m sure my student ate better at school, as I’m a “take it or leave it” mom.
There is good reason to limit what and when deliveries can come to school as that is a well known way for alcohol and drugs to be delivered to campus.
The discussion of ‘worth’ for boarding school and college is understandable but often misses the point. Many parents view boarding school as a stepping stone to a great college—and in some cases, it can be—but boarding school isn’t just a means to an end; it’s the experience itself. In the right environment, a student receives an extraordinary education: they’re challenged more deeply, develop independence, benefit from huge resources, and thrive in small, engaging classes. They live in a community of curious and motivated peers who may ultimately form a stronger lifelong network than the one built in college.
I also agree that resources devoted to high school often go further than those spent during college. While universities offer rich academics, they also come with open access to alcohol, romantic distractions in the dorm rooms, and countless nonacademic pulls that can dilute the learning experience. Boarding schools, by contrast, surround students with structure and academic purpose. In most cases, the years spent at a top boarding school are the most formative and academically significant of a student’s life, leaving them exceptionally well prepared for success in college and beyond.
My suggestion: please don’t look at boarding school only as a means to something better; it could be the best part of a child’s education.
The discussion of ‘worth’ for boarding school and college is understandable but often misses the point. Many parents view boarding school as a stepping stone to a great college—and in some cases, it can be—but boarding school isn’t just a means to an end; it’s the experience itself. In the right environment, a student receives an extraordinary education: they’re challenged more deeply, develop independence, benefit from huge resources, and thrive in small, engaging classes. They live in a community of curious and motivated peers who may ultimately form a stronger lifelong network than the one built in college.
I also agree that resources devoted to high school often go further than those spent during college. While universities offer rich academics, they also come with open access to alcohol, romantic distractions in the dorm rooms, and countless nonacademic pulls that can dilute the learning experience. Boarding schools, by contrast, surround students with structure and academic purpose. In most cases, the years spent at a top boarding school are the most formative and academically significant of a student’s life, leaving them exceptionally well prepared for success in college and beyond.
My suggestion: please don’t look at boarding school only as a means to something better; it could be the best part of a child’s education.
I love this post. It sums up exactly my thoughts on how the boarding school fit is so much more than later matriculation rates. How these kids come into their own and find themselves will ultimately lead them to the colleges that they need to be at - rather than ones we parents think we hold them (or more likely think they hold us) in higher regard. Status is not something I am looking for in the BS search. Fit and flourishing - that’s what I want for my DS!
I like your entire post but must push back on this comment.
We did not do boarding school. But I don’t know a single boarding school parent who has not gnashed their teeth at the alcohol/drug/hook up sub- culture. No matter how structured, supervised, strict, etc. (even at single sex schools) where there is a will there is a way, and a 15 year old may not have the maturity that a college student has to just avoid these situations.
It is misleading to encourage parents to think of boarding school as a substance free way to avoid romantic distractions and “nonacademic pulls”. The best you can say is that kids won’t be driving home after a party (as they might in HS– or accepting a ride from an intoxicated friend).
@blossom, point well taken.
There is no school that insulates kids from all these things, especially one looking for them!. I DO think that BS know that kids without things to do (they were called “obligations “ at DS’ school) will find ways to fill their time that can be, uh, troublesome. To that end, most have quite a bit of structure, from mandatory participation in sports or group activities, supervised study halls, check-ins, etc that leave less time for discretionary activities. Typically, these obligations are reduced over the 4 years and more privileges are granted. (Privileges are also revoked for “poor choices”.)
Nothing is perfect, but I think the characterization of BS as a more guarded/supervised on-ramp to adult freedoms (like those at college) is helpful and healthy for many kids.
Yeah, I’m more in Campcook’s camp (see what I did there?). And while no place is utterly insulated from mischief, my observation is that things have changed a lot on this topic.
The rules, first and foremost. There used to be conditions under which people of the opposite sex could be in the same room and dorm. That is no longer the case at my kid’s school. In fact people of the same sex who aren’t roommates being in the same dorm room is against the rules (ask me later).
I get the distinct impression that while there must be SOME partying going on, its just nowhere like it was in like the 80’s, just based on conversations with my kid and a few other parents. These kids seem a lot more academically focused, advanced and stressed and a lot less socially mature than back in the day. My hypothesis is that it’s because these kids have actually to do well in school. Back in the day, we’d send busloads to HYP and there were lots of B’s on that bus. There was no stress and so lots of time for the mind to explore other extracurriculars. And schools weren’t checking that your Senior year grades and academic rigor didn’t drop like they do now that ED is so very much a thing. So you can’t even slack off then. The alcohol/drug/hookup sub culture is much more prevalent at our “top” Local High School.
Anyways, that’s one school, but as far as parents not gnashing their teeth, 
.
ETA: It was @enewton who posted it originally, so their camp.
Same at my daughter’s school. I understand there is some element of partying that goes on but the consequences can be high, but seems like most of these kids are just too focused- either academically or athletically. Also, there is a lot to do on campus on weekends, not a lot of downtime to come up with your own dumb ideas. For me, I worry way more at home where everyone has a car, at least at school if they are doing something stupid they are likely doing it on foot.
I think this is right. I didn’t mean to suggest there are no non-academic distractions at boarding schools, but there are far fewer than at college. Student residential life is structured and monitored, which is why I’ve bought into the idea that education dollars go farther in boarding school than in college.
To MaineMom2’s point, kids at these schools are more serious about academics than they were in the 80s, and that’s another key value of boarding school today. Plenty of psychologists have argued that in the teen years, friends have an outsized influence on day-to-day choices, even though parents still matter a lot for values and long-term direction. If that’s true, I’d rather have my kids surrounded by curious, kind, conscientious kids at a good boarding school. Excellence is contagious.
To each his own but I don’t really understand the point of having kids and then sending them off to boarding school. You raise virtual strangers.
100% said by someone that has never sent a kid to boarding school. There is a saying that it’s better to stay quiet….
You obviously didn’t think “to each their own” or you wouldn’t have bothered to let us know your uninformed opinion.
If the CC name is accurate, I suppose I could make a comment about kids that can’t function without being within arms length of the parent. But to each their own.
So our daughter basically came to us wanting to explore boarding schools, and after visits is very enthusiastic about the idea.
On the one hand, I certainly will miss her being a daily presence.
On the other, I don’t believe she is somehow wrong to want to give it a chance.
So if it isn’t working for her, she will be welcome back home. But if it does work for her, I see my role as a parent being to support her.
I recall a conversation with a BS AO about child-parent relationships, and he made a comment about the nature of his conversations with his high school age kids living at home. He said that most were about “logistics” - when practice was, who would drive, where dinner fit in, etc. There’s a hunk of truth in there – just because your kid sleeps under your roof and you provide chauffeur service doesn’t mean you’re having a deep relationship. Especially as they are trying to exercise more independence. Otoh, you are there for those moments when they want to talk or vent. Yeah, you can do it via FaceTime, etc., but they might talk to someone else.
BS is absolutely not the best option for every kid, but for the vast majority who choose it, a living/learning community is an incredible experience. It need not come at the expense of a good relationship with their parents and may even improve it.