The Christmas Catharsis Thread

<p>I don’t like Christmas. OK, I said it. I love the fact that we celebrate Jesus’ birth, but I would be fine if the holiday was just going to church and doing service for others. </p>

<p>We live far (several hundred miles) from family. Both H and my families live in the same area, but when we tried visiting at Christmas it was just a mess. Running back and forth between two families with different traditions and different ways of celebrating was stressful and exhausting. There always seemed to be a disagreement over how much/little time was spent where, so we don’t bother to go anymore. In our 29 years of marriage (19 with kids), my parents have come out a few times at Christmas, but inlaws will not. I told MIL that all I really want for Christmas is for her and FIL to not buy us gifts and just come and spend the holiday with us. No go. </p>

<p>We have friends who celebrate Easter and Thanksgiving with us, but they have families that they see on Christmas. We end up alone and feel like losers. Sorry for the self pity, I know so many people are having a hard time but I just have to vent on this.</p>

<p>Some great thoughts here. I don’t like the gift-giving, either. The nephews from one family can’t be bothered to write thank-you notes, so their mother writes one for the three of them, telling us they are “too busy.” I’ve already stopped giving them birthday gifts, and would like to stop the Christmas gifts, too. At least we stopped the gift-giving amongst most of the adults some years back, not to say there wasn’t some angst about that in dh’s family. (We don’t exchange gifts with any of my siblings or their children, and it is wonderful!!!)</p>

<p>I haven’t figured out when the gift-giving stops. My oldest is 24, and his cousin is 23 and also out of college now. The sil with the three who can’t write thank-you notes quits giving gifts to cousins/nephews/nieces when they turn 16 (her dh’s rule). We will definitely reciprocate when their oldest turns 16 in a little over one year. </p>

<p>We stopped traveling the in-laws when my oldest (now 24) was 2 y/o. Last year we traveled up there after Christmas, because it was just a month and a half after fil died, and we wanted to be there for mil. Sure enough, she’s begging us to come again, and now I wonder if this will be expected every year. We have decided to go up again this year. </p>

<p>I have three boys, and the two oldest are very hard to buy for! The youngest is still easy enough – he has a beloved pet hamster (his first pet except for fish), and I got two mugs with photos of the hamster on them and am making a collage of photos of the little guy. He will love these gifts. He also wants a digital camera, and he will be very happy to get that.</p>

<p>Can I share my vent. Everything was going swimmingly and then on last Mon. my BIL had a stroke. Thankfully it was a minor stroke and he is doing well but he cannot travel for xmas as they planned to come to our house. He also has to have a very very serious operation as soon as it can be scheduled. Ok I can live with this. I am very upset about my BIL and his health is not good. So I tell my sister that we will come to see them. </p>

<p>This morning my H tells me that he has to work the Monday after xmas. He has never in our 25 years of marriage worked the week between xmas and new years. He is probably going to eat 3+ weeks of vacation. I understand that it’s good he has a job right now and I know this was unplanned and his job is very important.</p>

<p>But jeez, my sister wants us to stay until Mon. Her H is very very sick. My H has a habit of doing things like this. He couldn’t take our D to college this year as he had a very important meeting to go to. He of course doesn’t see it this way. He thinks this is a one time thing. But it happens all the time. I just don’t get mad about it, it’s just that way.</p>

<p>So we will drive 6 hours to my sisters house and then drive 6 1/2 hours back to our home the next day. I could drive my own car but because I have a S who also has to get back for his job we are already taking 2 cars. Do we really need to take 3</p>

<p>Ok vent over. I feel better.</p>

<p>I definitely belong on this thread!!!</p>

<p>I always say one of my favorite times of year is mid-January - all the Christmas stuff is packed away, the stores are put back together and people are relatively sane again!</p>

<p>It’s not that I don’t enjoy the holidays. Love seeing my kids open their gifts and love buying for them - but love doing that ANY time of year. Love Midnight mass - but I can get teary eyed and touched in church many times during the year. Love seeing family and the togetherness time - but we really don’t need Christmas to do this!</p>

<p>My mantra has always been that I’m happy with everyday life - I like my house normally decorated, like spending typical time with my family - just don’t need all the “extras” - and Christmas has ALOT of extras. </p>

<p>Doesn’t help that my husband doesn’t get much in the Christmas spirit - his main job is hauling the tree in the house and putting it in the tree stand, then DONE. I do feel like the holiday = “Christmas by Mom”. :(</p>

<p>I share the “Christmas by Mom” plight. That is all my H will do too.</p>

<p>I have no spirit this year. Everything I see, hear, smell makes me cry. I just want to curl up in my house and hibernate till this all goes away…</p>

<p>I miss the days when breaks were breaks. I need two weeks of drinking mulled cider and wine in front of the fireplace every night, staying in my pajamas till noon, and generally goofing off. Do I get to do that again after the kids are grown up?</p>

<p>Oh, Sistersunnie, all of our frustrations are nothing. I know you would give anything to have Christmas with your beloved husband by your side. You wouldn’t care which wacky relative you had to put up with or how frazzled you were with shopping or what the aggravation was - you would have the love of your life there with you. I know you will put one foot in front of the other and be as good as you can be for your kids - but it won’t be easy.</p>

<p>So, my hope for you is that you just make it through the holidays and feel some measure of comfort in the memories you have of happier times. If you need to curl up and hibernate for a day - do it. You are entitled to do whatever you have to do to hold up through this most difficult time.</p>

<p>Yup, “Christmas by Mom” here too. </p>

<p>[deleted]</p>

<p>Hugs to sistersunnie - absolutely, do what you need to this year to get through this time…</p>

<p>wow…reading this thread makes me feel less like a grinch.
We have the tree in the house but haven’t decorated it yet.
No Christmas cards out yet…I delay till the last minute every year and have REALLY cut down.
Having a hard time getting in the spirit…but can’t really put my finger on why.</p>

<p>not a parent but college kids need to rant too now and then: (sorry if this isn’t PC)</p>

<p>not looking forward to christmas this year! my grandpa died about a month ago, and this is going to be the first major reunion since that happened. his death created a lot of tension in my family because he was sick for a while before that, and there were a lot of arguments between my parents and their siblings about who was responsible for care and who hadn’t bothered doing crap for him for the past 10 years and money issues and whether or not to take him off life support and etc…</p>

<p>then there’s the fact that everyone hated my grandpa to begin with. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but the guy was a racist, borderline abusive, manipulative ass who hated my mom and resented her marrying into the family and was a complete dbag in general. </p>

<p>Oh, so my mom’s sister and her family will be over as well. I can’t stand her husband! I feel bad for his kids because they’re like neglected and their car is filled with cigarettes and empty beer cans. those poor toddlers will probably die of lung cancer by age 10 after being exposed to so much second hand smoke. Did I mention he dropped his 6 month old on its head on the kitchen floor? Seriously, some people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. God, if there’s one thing my grandpa was right about, it’s that this guy is a white trash scumbag. </p>

<p>my aunt/uncle and their 3 kids (my 1st cousins) will be over as well, and staying in my room (it’s fairly large) since the guest room is taken. My parents decided my aunt/uncle can have the guest room and the 3 kids will be in my room (i’ll be in my sisters room). I HATE my dad’s side of the family. and their kids are SO spoiled, ridiculously spoiled and obnoxious and will undoubtedly trash my room again, just like they did last year. Well last year they ended up checking into a hotel after 3 days, so hopefully that will happen again. </p>

<p>Dad’s side of the family is essentially stereotypical came-here-on-the-Mayflower-old old money-from New England with an attitude and Mom’s side is just…crazy and remarkably annoying.</p>

<p>…Oh, but at least our christmas tree will look beautiful. It always does. And I’ll take my little sister to see Santa…i promised her I would when I went home for thanksgiving.</p>

<p>Christmas would be great if we could get rid of all the family drama, right? It seems like everyone else is having this great Rockwell version, but apparently not so much. Cheers to all CC’rs and I hope we all can find time to sit back and enjoy the true meaning of the season.</p>

<p>I’ve found my soulmates on this thread! I hate the gifting fooding frenzy that we’ve allowed Christmas to become. I’ve done my best to curb it with my family and am now affectionately known as the family grinch…all because I keep asking if they feel the need for gifts, give them to a family in need!</p>

<p>I told a coworker the other day if we added up the time that we each spent on running around like crazies, shopping, decorating, worrying, spending and gave that time and money to one person or family in need, what a better place this would be to live.</p>

<p>I’m curious did anybody really used to love Christmas(not as a child of course)? I did, and I’ve been trying to figure out why I don’t love it now. Is it the maturity and wisdom that comes with age, that let’s you see what matters and what doesn’t? Is it cynicism? </p>

<p>I think it comes from working at a group home for kids several Christmases early in our marriage. We tried hard to make it a nice holiday for the kids, but it was a pretty stressful time for them. Grim. </p>

<p>I think it also comes from my husband losing a job in December–three different times–once when I was pregnant. It’s hard not to develop some resentment when you’re struggling while it feels like the rest of the world is celebrating.</p>

<p>Sistersunnie–so sorry. My dear friend and neighbor lost her husband suddenly a few years ago, and that first Christmas they basically skipped the whole thing. They packed up and went to Hawaii–which might not be an option for you. I think you have to be extrordinarily kind to yourself right now, so just do whatever you feel like doing. If you haven’t read it, you might want to look up Joan Didion’s book “The Year of Magical Thinking”. I felt it was the most lyrical description of grief and loss that I’ve ever read. Take Care.</p>

<p>Also Alix:</p>

<p>My dh’s grandfather was a universally loathed man as well, and I remember being amazed to see his children weeping at his funeral. My father-in-law talked many times about the beatings he endured, so it was surprising to me. Then I looked at Grandma. She was smiling! She looked happier and about ten years younger. She didn’t shed any tears–she was thrilled to finally be free! I half expected her to skip out of the church.</p>

<p>So glad to read this thread…I am not alone! </p>

<p>Let’s see…DH is great about helping with the tree so can’t complain there. We have drastically cut back on the house decorations… a few things inside and only a lighted wreath out front this year.
DH and I don’t buy each other gifts anymore…one less worry.
Kids (22 and 20) don’t have long unreasonable Christmas lists.
So all is well, right? Wrong.</p>

<p>The gift weirdness is driving me crazy. There is this big “what should we do” prob. with the kids and family gifts…my kids (one still in college, one just graduated) and bro’s kids (college fresh and 24 yr. old just finished grad. sch). </p>

<p>Of course we all bought gifts for them to exchange growing up, but now what? These cousins only see each other once a yr. so have no real relationships. My boys don’t have money nor inclination (even if they had a clue what to buy) to go out shopping for girl cousins they barely know.</p>

<p>Then there is my sister who has no kids but has always bought for ours. She said last yr. there would be no more gifts for neices/nephews that finished college. I want us ALL to stop with the gift exchange but bro. won’t go for it…so then how could we adult siblings sit and exchange gifts but our college/young adult kids just watch? It’s just insane. It’s so forced and such an obvious waste of $. Why do it? Last yr. my brother gave dh LIGHTBULBS! </p>

<p>Then we have to pack up and drive seven hours on Christmas day to see DH’s family.
His Mom has made it clear for years that she hates Christmas and all that it entails but if we dont’ go, we never hear the end of it. My kids have not had the traditional Christmas morning for almost ten years now because we have to go vist the mil who is world’s greatest martyr. </p>

<p>We have been told that this year there will be no cooking.<br>
We will drive 7 hours to eat take-out Chinese,list to her moan and groan about how nothing is the same anymore (FIL is in a nursing home) spend a lot of money for our family to spend the night in a hotel, then drive back home 7 hours the next day…ugh.</p>

<p>I have promised myself to not make my kids feel obligated to go through all this hoopla when they have families of their own.</p>

<p>Isn’t it ridiculous what we have to endure sometimes!? </p>

<p>I finally spoke up in my family a few years ago and everyone happily abandoned the gifts for the adults. Instead, all adults (adults defined by done with schooling - i.e. bachelor’s degree) draw one name at Thanksgiving time and buy a $20-25 gift for that one person only. There is a gift “category” (which so far has been “food” every year - we like it :slight_smile: - so kitchen stuff, actual food, restaurant GC’s,etc.) - all gifts have to be wrapped in the USA Today - so we can’t match any wrapping paper to a family and the tag lists only the recipient name.</p>

<p>That is one of the “new” traditions that has made Christmas positive. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>We all save lots of $$$ and it’s great fun seeing the gifts and figuring out who gave them.</p>

<p>I like Christmas during the years when it is my turn to have the kids. But when my ex has them, it is pretty lonely. No family in town. Just me and the dog. :frowning: Last year it was my turn, but he asked to trade weeks so he could take them someplace Christmas week. I let him, and did not ask him to trade the next year. So this will be two years in a row without them… We celebrate the next week when they are with me, but it is not the same. Ex lives with his girlfriend (the one who helped break up our marriage and that the kids HATE). So they don’t enjoy Christmas too much in the years with him, either. And he is not alone the years that they are with me.</p>

<p>We gave up buying gifts for cousins when the oldest were approaching their teens, it seemed dumb to spend so much energy to buy gifts for other kids as they approached the difficult teens. It was really a smart decision; we generally only buy gifts for our kids and our parents. Lots of gag gifts and funny stuff and just things to make us laugh.</p>

<p>Now with all the kids being adults we often give cash for their travels and just work on stocking stuffers, which are pretty extensive, and that is still fun.</p>

<p>Thank you all for sharing your stories and making us all feel better and better about the crazies in our families. I am happy that this will be Christmas #5 without my in laws, a real blessing for our family that they cannot travel any longer as they are miserable people and share the misery making the entire house stressed as DH still wishes he could make them happy. Now we just relax and enjoy each other after speanding every single Christmas for nearly 25 years with them, I can really appreciate the luxury of having just my own family and my parents. When it was first just us it felt some how wrong to be such a small group, like their was something wrong with us for not having a house full of family and friends (after years of hosting 15-30 people each year we had moved far from all). Now I have learned that having just our family is a blessing and since I have an empty nest I am grateful not to have to share my precious “just us” family time with any one else.</p>