The Christmas Catharsis Thread

Parent Cafe
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<p>Packmom, I think we must have the same crazy family and just didn’t know it until now!</p>

<p>“The gift weirdness is driving me crazy.”</p>

<p>DITTO!!! Our family has 12 cousins between the ages of 16 and 25…we finally gave up the presents on that front and stopped worrying about it. They see each other maybe every few years because everyone is spread from Maine to Colorado to Florida.</p>

<p>“Then there is my sister who has no kids but has always bought for ours. She said last yr. there would be no more gifts for neices/nephews that finished college. I want us ALL to stop with the gift exchange but bro. won’t go for it…so then how could we adult siblings sit and exchange gifts but our college/young adult kids just watch? It’s just insane. It’s so forced and such an obvious waste of $. Why do it? Last yr. my brother gave dh LIGHTBULBS!”</p>

<p>DITTO AGAIN!!! Except my sibling is my brother who has no children but has always bought for my daughter. Brother claims they don’t expect to receive anything back, they just enjoy the buying and giving…my response to that is then buy and give for people in need!! DD and I don’t need or want matching christmas sweaters with penguins and cats on them…too small for me and too large for her. The waste of money just eats at me. </p>

<p>Please give me strength to love my crazy family.</p>

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<p>MagMom, I see you live in the southeast. We live in NC. We might have some relatives in common!</p>

<p>Forgot to say that DH still feels the need to try to make MIL happy (even though she makes him crazy/miserable too). So we spent 3 hours in the most crowded mall in the universe Saturday shopping for the perfect jacket for her. After much gnashing of teeth (and me biting my tongue a lot), DH made a selection. I’m positive she’ll find something wrong with it. We bought her a Columbia fleece jacket a couple of years ago but she recently told us it was too heavy ( PackMom bangs head against wall).</p>

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<p>I was reading Dear Prudie on Slate.com and it was all about holiday issues today. Someone wrote in about their mother suggesting they rotate hosting instead of always having it at her house and this is what Prudence said,</p>

<p>“Good for your mother for instituting this change so that new traditions can be born while she can enjoy them. Too many people hang on so long, that the “children” are all deep into middle age when death is the reason there is no more Christmas at the family home.”</p>

<p>My m-i-l clings to hosting Christmas Eve at her house even though she’s downsized and there isn’t a room big enough for all of us. We eat in four different areas, and after dinner the youngest grandkids are stuffed in a room with one lounge chair and a small t.v. We stopped going last year, and oh, the horror, but it felt good to finally do it. My kids don’t want to go, my dh doesn’t want to go, so what were we going for anyway? </p>

<p>If she’d been willing to be a little flexible, different day, or different time, or different location, maybe we’d be there, but none of it is flexible. In fact, she told us she “couldn’t hold dinner” because we had switched parishes and our children’s mass was later than theirs. </p>

<p>Truthfully, I wish I had it in me to somehow be the cheer spreading relative that could make it fun for everybody, who could plan games and activities that would engage the grandkids from grade school to college, who could suck it up and make this work for everyone involved. But I can’t. I’m a small, evil little person(not that little after the peanut butter balls actually) and I think if the old bat can’t see that it’s time to turn over the batton, then she’s collapsing her own tradition.</p>

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<p>My husband’s contract was not renewed. Merry Christmas.</p>

<p>The rest of the faculty found out a week ago. He was told today. This would explain why none of the faculty showed up to his brass choir’s concert last week… He was heartbroken for his choir, because they’d worked so very hard on those pieces, and he was so proud of them.</p>

<p>He’ll be paid for the rest of his contract through May, but he was asked not to come back to teach next semester. His student reviews have been unanimously glowing, without a single exception, but some influential faculty members don’t like that he was hired to elevate the caliber of the program… which meant that they would need to work harder in order to not look like fools. That led to friction, which led to this.</p>

<p>I don’t feel much like decorating. I’ll need to reprint our Christmas letter, which proclaimed first and foremost that we were thankful for my husband’s job. I don’t really know what to say now.</p>

<p>Thankful for:
Health insurance through my job, not his
Essentially four months’ worth of severance pay
The fact that my husband can come home now
The fact that he can finish his dissertation without being interrupted</p>

<p>Worried about:
What happens in four months
My husband’s self-esteem
What happens to those poor kids at that college… My husband says that he’ll help them as much as he can, but if he thinks about them and how they’re not getting the education they need to survive in the harsh reality of the music industry, he’ll go crazy</p>

<p>I need some eggnog. Anybody want to join me?</p>

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<p>^^^^If you weren’t so far away, I’d deliver you some home-made eggnog tonight!</p>

<p>There isn’t much more brutal than being fired at Christmas time. Blech.</p>

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<p>I guess I have just become the evil, scrooge sister in law in our family. I sent a note to the 30+ family members coming over for Christmas Day and I asked that they NOT bring along any gifts for people they will see Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I am just not in the mood for the chaos, mess and extravagance of trunk loads of gifts being brought to my house. I made the mistake of suggesting we keep it simple and maybe play a couple of old fashioned board games or just have conversations. Boy did I get an earful. It is not like I am denying any little kids the fun of mega gifts…the youngest is 16. Whatever! It is MY house…</p>

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<p>aibarr, when I saw your post on the “say it here” thread, my heart sunk. I’m so sorry - this job meant a lot to him, and you both had so much to sacrifice so he can be there. Big hugs to you, and lots of virtual cranberry liqueur. I’ve been “downsized” a couple of days before Thanksgiving once. Try to concentrate on the positives: you and your husband will be together, and he will have something to keep him busy (the dissertation). Be as supportive of him as you can, but do not forget to light a fire or two under his bottom when he gets too settled into the househusband routine so he can speed up his job search :slight_smile: (been there, done that). Hugs.</p>

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<p>Thanks, BB. Thankfully, he’s already sent out four applications to all of the open positions in his field, and he’s sending a fifth out this evening… It was becoming rapidly apparent that this was not a viable “forever” job when the hostility towards him began inexplicably increasing, so he’d started the search process again around Thanksgiving. We’re well-prepared, and if he finds another job quickly, this will very much so be a blessing in disguise, but I just wish God’s ways weren’t <em>quite</em> so mysterious…</p>

<p>I imagine it’ll hurt less in a month or so. Just have to wait it out. (Darn it for me getting all my two-incomes’-budget Christmas shopping done early this year…)</p>

<p>Thank you for the virtual cranberry liqueur! It’s my favorite virtual drink! =)</p>

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<p>Haven’t been much in the mood to bake either, but I just started making these and I think they’re going to be marvelous. I substituted orange zest for lemon, and walnuts for pistachios, so I’m making cranberry orange walnut biscotti with white chocolate drizzle. I think these will be an excellent substitute for true Christmas cheer.</p>

<p>[Holiday</a> Biscotti Recipe : Giada De Laurentiis : Food Network](<a href=“http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/holiday-biscotti-recipe2/index.html]Holiday”>http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/holiday-biscotti-recipe2/index.html)</p>

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<p>Well, after a hard day of work and a tough visit with a very sick friend, i come home to this! I guess I hit a nerve with this thread. I know that I’m feeling better already.</p>

<p>“Why do it? Last yr. my brother gave dh LIGHTBULBS!”</p>

<p>PackMom, that is so funny! Lightbulbs…what the heck!!!</p>

<p>Helenback, your posts are so funny!</p>

<p>Sistersunnie, I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost my BIL two years ago right before Christmas and my SIL can’t bear the holiday. Even when I’m complaining about the porch garland I think of her and my good friend who is terminally ill and the mother of four children. A strand of broken lights isn’t so bad really. </p>

<p>Thanks for brightening my day.</p>

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<p>EPTR, Glad my goofy family made you smile. If you could have seen the look on DH’s face when he opened the lightbulbs, you might have had convulsions. I almost did.
One never expects to get lightbulbs as a Christmas gift do they?
They were those twisty energy efficicent kind. Bro. thought they were great.</p>

<p>The year before that my bro. gave DH another real winner…a Boot Scraper…DH doesn’t wear boots. </p>

<p>I’m fairly tingling with excitement to see what this year’s gift will be.
He and his family will be here next Tues, I’ll let ya’ll know what this year’s crazy addition is to the Wacky Gifts Hall of Fame. Hey, maybe that’s a whole new thread:)</p>

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<p>Sistersunnie. Oh no. I’d missed your post.</p>

<p>I’m so sorry… Please know you have a thousand virtual hugs from all of these incredible people here, and prayers and angels flying in your direction. There’s nothing to be said or done that’ll make things any easier, but please don’t forget to remember. It’ll be painful to remember, but don’t shut it off… It’ll be a cathartic, good pain. Far, far better to feel than to be numb…</p>

<p>Talk if you need us.</p>

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<p>PackMom,
Please do fill us in after the holiday! I can’t wait!</p>

<p>One year my family did a Secret Santa with the adults. The lovely relative that got me gave me an IOU for an Amazon Gift Certificate. Apparently sitting at the computer and filling out an order was too much work so she gave me an IOU. Handwritten on a piece of notebook paper. I was so touched!</p>

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<p>PackMom- at least it was a gift you could actually use as opposed to a bad Christmas sweater with no tags, so unreturnable :)</p>

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<p>Would you believe that I’m supposed to wear a bad Christmas sweater to work tomorrow for our holiday gathering and that I don’t have a single one? I am fresh out of bad Christmas sweaters. </p>

<p>It is the cherry on the poop sundae that has been my Mondae.</p>

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<p>aibarr,
If only I had known earlier! I’m an elementary school teacher. I could have gotten you two dozen bad Christmas Sweaters! They are standard issue for first year teachers along with ornament earrings and holiday socks. It’s a look i have never been able to pull off :).</p>

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<p>I knew there had to be a glut of them somewhere!!</p>

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<p>aibarr- somewhere there must be an HR policy against “bad Christmas sweaters”. If not, there should be one. Yuck.</p>

<p>And on another note, I am so sorry to hear of your bad news. That’s awful to begin with and then right during the holidays. A big hug to you.</p>

<p>sistersunnie-What do I say? I am thinking of you and send a big hug to you, too.</p>

<p>As much as I complain and vent here, I know that it is so much harder for you two and so many others.</p>

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<p>There is much comfort and kindness here. I don’t read CC as much anymore, but now I look forward to this thread every day. Weve had a year of loss–H’s brother and his wife, a dear friend, our dog, and irreparable damage in a family relationship that feels like the death of expectations or potential. The goofy gift stories make me laugh–more, please!</p>

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<p>I do hope that some of the bad stuff mentioned on this thread is just setting you up for your own personal Christmas miracle. People like Sistersunnie and Aibarr - hang in there, and don’t let go of hope.</p>

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<p>I’m afraid I could be Helenback’s m-i-l! Once relatives start telling me “just give me money for the kids - I’ll buy for them,” I cut them from my list. To me, buying gifts, and getting to find out something about my nieces and nephews - what they like, what sizes they are, what they are involved in - is part of the joy of Christmas. I love that feeling of finding the perfect gift for someone (and am disappointed when they don’t feel the same. Can’t they pretend?) Once I get the message that my money is more valuable than my interest in them, I back out. I guess I am a true believer in “it’s the thought that counts”.</p>

<p>I’m down to buying for two nephews this year. And not buying for 4 nephews and 5 nieces. And those two nephews’ years might be numbered. Last year, when I asked their mom for a list, I was given one item apiece - essentially an “order”. So this year I didn’t ask - just bought what I wanted to give.</p>

<p>Goofy gifts? My mother recycles. One year she gave me a make-up mirror. It was mine from my teenage years, that she’d found in the attic. She buys most of her gifts at Goodwill. We’ve started dreading seeing things again that we’d donated! But sometimes she truly does find some great things, and they are definitely personal, so I love them anyway.</p>

<p>I truly love Christmas, but this year is challenging for me for some reason. Initially we had planned to visit H’s aunt - who turns 90 days after Christmas. But then my mom had a stroke, and my sister decided we all needed to spend Christmas at MY house. So we changed our plans. However, Mom has made a total recovery (:)) and within the past week, various relatives have backed out of coming here, or shortening the time, or being unwilling to commit one way or another. But it’s too late to change our plans. This uncertainty is frustrating - it’s hard to plan. </p>

<p>And my darling D emailed us Sunday night that she had misread her final schedule, and actually has an exam Friday morning, so her Thursday flight that we bought cheaply a month ago would not work. I’m trying to decide how much coal to put in her stocking!</p>

<p>And my boys will be home for only a week. And S2 has made us aware that he is giving up lucrative gigs to be here, and perhaps won’t be coming home for Christmas in the future. “Musicians get used to celebrating a few days late.”</p>

<p>My three trees are up and decorated. Mine is also a “Christmas by Mom” - love that phrase! I put about a third of the usual ornaments on the big one (only real one). Decided to make packing up a little easier on myself this year. I also only put out about a third of my other decorations, and am thinking some of them need to go to Goodwill. I have way too much. I am learning that not every gift from each piano student needs to be displayed every year.</p>

<p>I remember as a child asking why my grandparents didn’t have a Christmas tree, and was told that it was too much trouble. And I remember thinking that I hoped I never got too old for a tree. I do love Christmas trees, and have become resigned to the fact that it will always be me putting them up, and me taking them down. Two years ago, we didn’t put up a tree, since we spent Christmas at Disney. I was surprised at the strong reactions from my kids. They don’t help, but they definitely expect it!</p>

<p>I haven’t started baking yet. Haven’t done my cards. (Did finally write the letter! “Top Ten Reasons Why I’m NOT Sending a Letter this Year.”) Every shopping trip takes two or three do-overs. Yesterday I returned a shirt I bought for H, after learning that m-i-l bought the same one.</p>

<p>I am sure Christmas was never meant to be this complicated. But I do love Christmas, and I know that by Christmas morning, it will all have been worth it. And I will have 11 months to recover.</p>