<p>All this NASCAR talk reminds me of my very favorite IowaHawk masterpiece, the one about the NASCAR moms gettin' together to "git 'er done" by forming a group to aid NYC victims of "Mommy Madness."</p>
"It's hard to look at the plight of these women and not want to chip in and 'git 'er done,'" says Tammi Jo Pearsall, 28.</p>
<p>Pearsall, herself a mother of four and part-time convenience store clerk in Alachua, is widely credited with creating the grassroots relief network that has generated over $4,600 in donations for Upper Westside supermoms desperately seeking meaningful time for self-actualization. Her charitable crusade was spurred, in part, by an injury to one of her children.</p>
<p>"Little Brandon was goin' at the bug zapper again, even after I warnt him that'd git him another whuppin'," she explains. "Anyways, I was sittin' in the waitin' room at the emergency clinic, and I picked up this Newsweek magazine and read me this article about how these mommas up there in New York and Boston were faced with all them false expectations and gender roles, and I just flat ass broke down."
This one is very CC appropriate--a generic commencement speech for the college of your choice (you fill in the blanks).
I am also honored because I am the number one fan of the [school nickname]s. And how ‘bout those [school nickname]s? I don’t think I will ever forget their amazing run during the [sport] season. If it wasn’t for the distraction of the [describe scandal] and those trumped-up charges of [type of felonies] against [names of players, boosters, coaches, administrators], I think they could have gone all the way! But at least it didn’t happen to the men’s team.</p>
<p>Graduates, you stand today on a great cusp, the cusp on the edge of the gaping crevasse of the future, standing ready to plummet into that adventure I like to call “tomorrow.” It must seem like only yesterday that you came to [name of college], a naïve and unsure campus newcomer, fresh from a suburban high school ritual beating ceremony. And now, four to ten years and $150,000 later, you are a mature adult and ready to take on the world.</p>
<p>Make no mistake, [name of college] has prepared you well for this challenge. Whether it was attending mandatory sensitivity training, or watching Michael Moore movies in English Lit class, your [name of college] experience has armed you for the “real world.” For what is “real,” really? Is not “reality” an artificial social construct created by the ruling patriarchy, to manufacture consent among the masses? Duh!
And of course, this one about the surprise leader in the Democratic presidential primary campaign last time around:
Perhaps his strongest moment of the night came in a verbal free-for-all against Dean, when the two engaged in a 15-minute argument over which candidate had the stronger anti-Bush record.</p>
<p>Dean later appeared flummoxed when Saddam challenged him to detail his chemical weapons deployment platform. "My record on gassing Kurds is very clear, Howard. Yours is not. You are simply missing in action."</p>
<p>"That's not fair," responded a red faced Dean.</p>
<p>In a verbal coup de grace that drew laughter and cheers, Saddam said, "I knew Chemical Ali. I was friends with Chemical Ali. And Howard, you are no Chemical Ali."