The Democrats' Secret Plan

<p>An open letter to conservatives from Howard Dean:</p>

Despite what you may have heard on Fox News, we Democrats know what issues are on the minds of heartland conservatives like you. We know that your number one concern of is the safety of your children -- whether they are plucking their banjos on the back porch, speaking tongues to snakes at Jesus Camp, or torching crosses at your local Nascar racing contest. We also know that the number one threat to your children's safety is the scourge of international homo-ism. That's why we at the DNC have created "The Contract With American Hillbillies," a new multipoint investigation program to identify and root out conservative stealth homoism before it threatens you or your precious little inbreeds....</p>

<p>In less than three weeks you will be asked to make a stark choice. You can choose the GOP's same old Washington "backroom insider games" -- ewwwwww -- or choose a fresh start with a new team dedicated to rooting out and exposing the Republicans' culture of man-love. People like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton and John Kerry, dedicated public servants who want to reach out to you in a completely non-gay way. With your support, our team will make sure that you will no longer be at risk from tax cuts tainted with gay Republican AIDS cooties, and that your children trapped in the military will no longer be taking orders from the Butt-Commando-in-Chief.

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When IowaHawk's on, he's really on.</p>

<p>This guy is the Democratic National Committee Chairman? What an ignorant, pompous, rude you-know-what. With a mouthpiece like this guy, it's a wonder ANYone is involved in politics. How can anyone who writes such things have any credibility?</p>

<p>Iowahawk is a very clever parodist. It's a joke!</p>

<p>can I likenascar and still be a liberal?</p>

<p>Hook, line, and sinker! :p</p>

<p>"can I like nascar and still be a liberal?"</p>

<p>Tough call...but you're good as a red-neck!</p>

<p>*can I like nascar and still be a liberal?"</p>

<p>Tough call...but your good as a red-neck!*</p>

<p>Well my ancestors were Hillbillies! ( scots-irish from the Appalachians)</p>

<p>Isnt that where nascar got started?
<a href=""&gt;;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>OK, I fell for it but then I'm blonde and am known far and wide for my gullibility. If I repeat "no more gullibility!" enough times, will it go away???</p>

<p>Well, there is a grain of truth.</p>

<p>Three more weeks, and then we have Speaker Pelosi. ;)</p>

<p>The gay Republican AIDS cooties
Didn't give it away? :D</p>

<p>Emeraldkitty!!! Are you a NASCAR fan? </p>

<p>Assuming you are, who's your driver?</p>

<p>And Nancy wants to "reach out to you in a completely non-gay way."</p>

<p>She's likely to embrace Denny, even if he turns out to be gay.</p>

<p>I thought I gave it away earlier
I like Kasey Kahne
He not only is from my area
( Enumclaw is just a bit southeast of Seattle)
But he seems like a talented & charming young man
( I am not your typical Nascar fan- I did meet my husband( 30 years ago) at a street drag race- but I became interested after reading a Sharyn McCrumb book St. Dale)</p>

<p>And I just started asking them to turn the races on at the gym- and there ya go!
He is doing pretty well too- although I still have a lot to learn about the sport- but I am a little disenchanted with baseball since our local team has been struggling so much- however- Lou Pinella is taking over the Cubs so I may root for them :)</p>

<p>Kasey Kahne is cute as buttons, isn't he? I'm a Harvick fan, myself.</p>

<p>All this NASCAR talk reminds me of my very favorite IowaHawk masterpiece, the one about the NASCAR moms gettin' together to "git 'er done" by forming a group to aid NYC victims of "Mommy Madness."</p>

<p><a href=""&gt;;/a>

"It's hard to look at the plight of these women and not want to chip in and 'git 'er done,'" says Tammi Jo Pearsall, 28.</p>

<p>Pearsall, herself a mother of four and part-time convenience store clerk in Alachua, is widely credited with creating the grassroots relief network that has generated over $4,600 in donations for Upper Westside supermoms desperately seeking meaningful time for self-actualization. Her charitable crusade was spurred, in part, by an injury to one of her children.</p>

<p>"Little Brandon was goin' at the bug zapper again, even after I warnt him that'd git him another whuppin'," she explains. "Anyways, I was sittin' in the waitin' room at the emergency clinic, and I picked up this Newsweek magazine and read me this article about how these mommas up there in New York and Boston were faced with all them false expectations and gender roles, and I just flat ass broke down."


This one is very CC appropriate--a generic commencement speech for the college of your choice (you fill in the blanks).
<a href=""&gt;;/a>

I am also honored because I am the number one fan of the [school nickname]s. And how ‘bout those [school nickname]s? I don’t think I will ever forget their amazing run during the [sport] season. If it wasn’t for the distraction of the [describe scandal] and those trumped-up charges of [type of felonies] against [names of players, boosters, coaches, administrators], I think they could have gone all the way! But at least it didn’t happen to the men’s team.</p>

<p>Graduates, you stand today on a great cusp, the cusp on the edge of the gaping crevasse of the future, standing ready to plummet into that adventure I like to call “tomorrow.” It must seem like only yesterday that you came to [name of college], a naïve and unsure campus newcomer, fresh from a suburban high school ritual beating ceremony. And now, four to ten years and $150,000 later, you are a mature adult and ready to take on the world.</p>

<p>Make no mistake, [name of college] has prepared you well for this challenge. Whether it was attending mandatory sensitivity training, or watching Michael Moore movies in English Lit class, your [name of college] experience has armed you for the “real world.” For what is “real,” really? Is not “reality” an artificial social construct created by the ruling patriarchy, to manufacture consent among the masses? Duh!


And of course, this one about the surprise leader in the Democratic presidential primary campaign last time around:
<a href=""&gt;;/a>

Perhaps his strongest moment of the night came in a verbal free-for-all against Dean, when the two engaged in a 15-minute argument over which candidate had the stronger anti-Bush record.</p>

<p>Dean later appeared flummoxed when Saddam challenged him to detail his chemical weapons deployment platform. "My record on gassing Kurds is very clear, Howard. Yours is not. You are simply missing in action."</p>

<p>"That's not fair," responded a red faced Dean.</p>

<p>In a verbal coup de grace that drew laughter and cheers, Saddam said, "I knew Chemical Ali. I was friends with Chemical Ali. And Howard, you are no Chemical Ali."


<p>Hmmm. Interesting that the ONLY source for this crap is some web site called Yeah. Sounds real to me.</p>

<p>Poor driver et al. Do you guys honestly think GWB is a GOOD president? It really is unfathomable.</p>

<p>I always love Iowahawk's paraodies - he's terrific!</p>

<p>Re: Brandon's mom---Tammy Jo---is that you, hon?!!</p>

<p>Weenie, Tookie made an honest mistake, but this is beyond gullible. Open your mind to parody; you'll be a better, happier person for it. </p>

<p>IowaHawk is not a place for screechy humorless people, of either party. Dave Burge is not always on his game, but when he's not busy drinking beer and building hotrods out there in the heartlands, he's one of the best writers U of I has ever produced, in the humor vein. :)</p>


<p>Nope, not Tammy Jo - not even close! lol</p>