The final step... how do you feel about this essay?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I feel bad for asking for this help. I had never shared my Common App. essay with many people because of some of the things discussed, but when a stranger asked to see the essay, the feedback I received was a little eye-opening. I fixed the problems I saw, and asked some other forums on CC for their opinions. Sybbie said the parent board would be a good place to ask, and I kind of agree. Feedback has been kind of mixed so far (with a heavier slant on the negative side), but I’ve always been fond of the essay. I’m already planning to write a new one, but I’d like to see if I should really go so far. Thank you very much.</p>

<p>“Hello, and welcome to WBLT TV, Baltimore’s leading news source. I’m Lee Freeman, Tammy’s off tonight. Our top story this evening is, yes, it’s finally happened-- we’ve always joked about it, but today, July 28, 2004, storms tore through the Chesapeake Bay, separating the eastern peninsula of Maryland and Delaware from continental America. The peninsula, consisting mainly of struggling farming communities, was quickly evacuated.”</p>

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<pre><code>"Hello, and welcome to WBLT TV, Baltimore’s leading news source. I’m Lee Freeman III, Tammy’s off tonight. 75 years ago, folks, my grandfather brought you shocking news that eastern Maryland had broken away; the island drifted to and has been lost in the arctic ever since. Incredibly, the island reappeared today, but the arctic climate has devastated areas not sheltered by trees. Shockingly few areas were not cornfield; the only southern land intact is a small forest, in which investigators found a trailer home belonging to “The Martins,” as the mailbox read. The house was emptied before evacuation-- except for one bedroom.

Investigators say the room is organized but “busy.” The walls are covered with posters of a wide range of musical groups- everything from singer-songwriter Carly Simon to French “electronic” band Air to the legendary Velvet Underground; colored pencils and sheets of poster board stacked under the bed indicate that rather than buying these posters, the inhabitant drew them. Albums matching the posters were found near the bed.

A desk-- the only furniture in the room except the bed-- contains the most detailed information about the inhabitant’s life; college applications and rough drafts of play scripts are piled on top. The most complete play is about two Parisians who wake up baffled in Amsterdam. Several scripts concentrate on the search for self-identity; researchers suggest this could be a result of the author’s homosexuality, of which only one person was aware. The rest of his work portrayed the author as a warm, open-minded person whose greatest desire was to promote inclusion and tolerance in society. In the first drawer of the desk, employee payslips from a three year span identify the inhabitant as Bobby Ray Martin, a male 17 years old when the house was abandoned. Working long hours seemed to pay off, as bank statements in the second drawer indicate Bobby saved enough money to purchase his own vehicle. The third drawer contains several photo albums and a camera. The photographs are “cityscapes” taken by Bobby. A stack of books-- mostly plays by Thornton Wilder and Tennessee Williams, and poetry by Walt Whitman-- as well as videos of Bobby acting on stage as Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew and as Sherlock Holmes in The Hound of the Baskervilles, are part of the organized clutter on top of the desk.

Eastern Maryland historians, however, are disappointed with the findings, saying that while they’re sure Bobby was proud to be from the area, and proud to know the value of courtesy ingrained in country living, his interests did not reflect those of the average peninsula citizen. And now, tomorrow’s weather."
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<p>Hi Gang,</p>

<p>Willy’s good people. lets see if we can help him out</p>

3

<p>You have the makings of a good essay, but you need a different structure.</p>

<p>The framing device distances the reader from you, not a good thing. The tricky introduction is counterproductive because it draws the reader into pondering issues that are unrelated to the main theme of the essay and its main focus, which should be you</p>

<p>But seeing the room through the eyes of a third person makes it impossible to elaborate on your experiences; so the essay becomes a series of speculations as to how you might have acquired your possessions, your homosexuality disposed of in less than one sentence, your paid work unexplained, etc… It might be more effective to start the essay with a question. “If an archeologist working a century from now were to discover my room, what would s/he find?” Then proceed as in the current version but be willing to be more specific. Working long hours at what? for example. </p>

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<p>Finally, getting rid of the radio show format would enable you to have a different ending, a real conclusion. </p>

<p>Hope this helps.</p>

4

<p>It does, thanks. I’ll keep it all in mind.</p>

<p>Thank you.</p>

5

<p>Try being more direct and “telling” rather than using comma remarks. Like…The barely standing mailbox still had a artic worn nameplate of The Martins. We are fortunate to find a single furnished room that allowed us to discover something about one of the inhabitants…</p>

<p>Does the desk/bed describe the person? Try de-emphasizing the desk and emphasizing the person. </p>

<p>If you watch TV/ listen to Radio: the reporters jazz the situation up. But also leave a little suspense in the telling so that you want to learn more.
Last paragrph: Put a positive conclusion rather than a “disappointed” ending. It would seem that finding someone different in an “average” area is a WIN and a rare find. Would you be disappointed if you found a hundred dollar bill in a stack of ones? And wouldn’t you remember what that 100 looked like; its rich linen texture only handled by wealthier people, the faded green and black colors and the clean smell of …</p>

<p>Try a different topic. There are people who may still be uncomfortable with your orientation. If a person was heterosexual, and he/she describes that he really likes the opposite sex, and then describes the reading/viewing material that he purchases-what would the you think? Your perspective is not unique-How are you going to resolve them is the story I want to hear. </p>

<p>The Shore seems to be different than when I was there 30 years ago. They still got mosquitos that bite thru Levi’s. The Shore is an unusual and unique area of America-Very old, more Southern than Northern. More Old English.</p>

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<p>Couldn’t figure out the style until I reread several times. </p>

<p>Reads like an obituary. Do you want positive, exciting students who want to change the world, and never give up. Nothing wrong in being different to the majority but you are the same to the minority. And we’re all minorities.</p>

<p>Mine comments are my own and must be taken lightly.Other opinions need to be researched. I am not a philosopher, adcom, english expect. Just a guy.</p>

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<p>I thought it was creative but as other pointed out, it failed to shed some insight into who you are because of that style (archeaological dig of your room).</p>

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<p>Hmm…now that I think about it, I actually loved your essay Bobby. It shows how creative you are. This essay will stand out because of it’s uniqueness. Universities and colleges want some of those too besides the science and business types. A few more insights on who you are would make it better. But it is true that archaeologists cannot dig into the human mind especially when they don’t have DNA fragments (and even DNA will not show creativity - or does it?). </p>

<p>But you have to judge it within the context of this forum and us total strangers giving you advice. I am a techie as I’ve said in many other places; I have a tech background but I think I am well-read in the English language. So that’s my background.</p>

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<p>Bobby, I am reading a book right now called ‘Will in the World: How Shakespeare became Shakespeare’ by Stephen Greenblatt. In that the author draws many conclusions about Shakespeare’s life from what little is known about him but mostly from his writings and from rumors about him some as old as 70 years after his death. The critics of this book say that Greenblatt dared to draw many more conclusions about him than other Shakespeare scholars and a lot of it could be classified as fiction. But most of what he says makes sense and he draws a lot of conclusions from his writings.</p>

<p>Anyway, my point is, if you left some plays and other pieces of creative writing in your room as you have done, then the reporter could after many years find out who you are. You should talk about it like that. You could throw away a lot of the first and second paragraph and talk about your plays and writings.</p>

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<p>Hey again, Willy. I like the essay a lot, very unique IMO. The only critique I have is that this part:</p>

<p>“The third drawer contains several photo albums and a camera. The photographs are “cityscapes” taken by Bobby. A stack of books-- mostly plays by Thornton Wilder and Tennessee Williams, and poetry by Walt Whitman-- as well as videos of Bobby acting on stage as Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew and as Sherlock Holmes in The Hound of the Baskervilles, are part of the organized clutter on top of the desk.”</p>

<p>That seemed sorta like a list. Perhaps you could elaborate just a bit more on your photographs, plays, acting, etc.</p>

<p>Good luck man!</p>

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<p>Ahtlon, I agree. The first draft was entirely like a list, and that’s the only part that made the cut. I’m not sure why I didn’t catch it after all these read-throughs-- frustration? Thanks a lot! Good luck to you, too.</p>

<p>itstoomuch, thanks for the tips. I definitely agree. I’ll keep them in mind.</p>

<p>Achat, and everyone else, I don’t know how to thank you. I was very near giving up on this altogether (and I haven’t ruled that out yet), but serious revision is still a possibility. I’m in so much debt to you all.</p>

12

<p>Well, if you choose to go to Swarthmore, I might see you on campus. So we wouldn’t be strangers any more, would we?</p>

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<p>No, I guess we wouldn’t. ;)</p>