The Grandparent Thread

Parent Cafe
2727

Also, sometimes kids need parents even more as they get older, especially if they need to be seen by healthcare professionals, speech therapists and others. It’s really a challenge balancing everything.

We were fortunate we could (barely) get by on H’s income when I stopped out and then was able to find part time work when we needed more income and the kids were in school more.

My Social Security is a tiny fraction of H’s pension but fortunately I will get 55% of it if I become a widow. The time I took off to care for the kids and then the part time jobs do i could still help with household needs really reduced my earnings and retirement and SS earnings.

I have no regrets but if we had been divorced it would have been very very bad for me financially.

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2728

There is an excellent daycare about 1 city block from DD’s work. All 3 are in the daycare. #3 may not have gotten in w/o the older kids there due to less available workers and less openings. As a health care worker, quite a lot of the daycare expense has been covered for a while due to Covid and state/federal funds. During daycare shut down early 2020 due to Covid, I was live in nanny Sunday evening to Friday late afternoon - that was with the older two kids. Once DD/kids live at Army assignment in off base housing (only after his training is done - which may be continuing until after the baby is born, we don’t know yet) - she will become SAHM. We all just will find out maybe in March. She definitely wants to have their family together once they can. DH and I are ‘support staff’. If she continues to work and takes the maternity leave, and then returns to work (required with the maternity leave), she may end up with younger 2 or 3 in child care and I take care of older child or older two children. And then shuttle older child to kindergarten (in the south, they start school early Aug). If SIL continues with additional training, we will find out the length of the course and they can figure out how they want to work it out. His salary and housing allowance will not cover the family expenses for 2 1/2 years – so DD may see she needs to work and save just a little longer. The 12 weeks maternity leave is a nice benefit one would want to take advantage of if possible.

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DD/SIL have ‘dreamed’ of her being SAHM. I think financially she will need to return some to work along the way (to own a home, to pay for children’s education and activities, etc.) - and she plans to keep up on her skills/license, and her 5 years + service with her employer will allow her to jump back in with any RN job available at whatever local VA Hospital/clinic/VA position – IDK exactly how that all works, but she can get a job if she needs a job. However, FT with her current job is M - F and set/excellent child care – something not exactly to find in the future with that all lining up.

2730

4 young kids is a lot for anyone to handle. It’s great you’ve been able to help your daughter.

My grandchild is now 8 months and not sleeping through the night. He is up multiple times and they are exhausted. She has been reluctant to start sleep training and move him to the crib. Last night they were going to start. I haven’t hear now it went or if she was even able to do it. It’s hard but necessary.
My other daughter is due in late December. We will go to help when the baby is born and stay about a week. The plan will be to go back when her husband goes back to work. We are pretty flexible so we should be able to help out when she wants us.

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D1 started back to work full time yesterday, working a late evening shift at the hospital (4pm to midnight +1 hour to finish her charting before she left). So it was the first dinner/bedtime SIL and I had with all 3 kids. It seemed to go OK. At least for me, I handed off GS to SIL at 9:30 so he could change, feed him one last time & take upstairs to the Snoo. SIL would do another feeding around midnight and another around 4-5 am. So a long night for him. Fortunately today is a weekend, though there is NO sleeping in with 2 YO twins.

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DD1 is expecting baby #4 in June (her oldest will turn 5 in May, then oldest son will turn 4 in July, and second son will turn 2 in Aug). Her DH is away with training, and may be away for more training after 6 month stint. My DH and I are the back up help. Will see what happens in the spring, and I have suggested a plan if she uses work maternity leave (and then has to work 12 weeks after the 12 week maternity time). They need the money for the big pay drop when DD1 becomes SAHM. Time will tell how 2023 unfolds. DD1 is spreading out leave time now so she doesn’t work many 5 day work weeks. She has long work days on work days, but she is also 28 years young. The older two do not need a pull up for naps/bedtime any more, so that is a real plus – and they are great with the routine. The 14 month old is a very easy baby.

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2733

SIL took the twins to the pediatrician for their 2 year old check up this morning. The doctor engages Twin A in conversation to check her language development. He opens a book of animal pictures to the first page and ask A what animal she sees. “Gorilla,” she replies. He turns to the next page. “What animal do you see here?” She answers, “Lion.” Next page. “Snake.” Next page… next page. She knows them all. So he skips ahead several pages and say to her, “Now this is a hard one. What animal is this?” She glances at it . “Ostrich.” “Wow,” says the doctor, “you know a lot of animals.” A, who has by now grown bored with the game and is playing with fidget toy, doesn’t even look up and answers in the most “adults are idiots” tone you can imagine, says “Saw them at the zoo.” :rofl:

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2734

On my way home from babysitting my almost 2-year old GD, exhausting, but fun. My D and SIL combined a business trip with an anniversary celebration! I hadn’t seen GD for 4 months and was amazed at how much she’s grown and developed (especially language skills). She’s also become very opinionated. Her favorite word is “No!”

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I think DD1 is struggling a bit with asking me for help. She had a planned day off on Tuesday (which I didn’t specifically know about) and she called; she said she was going to go to the grocery store but wasn’t sure what all to get because she didn’t know what I was bringing. I said “I don’t have anything on my calendar for coming; did you plan for me to come?”

We are all traveling together next week for Thanksgiving, and those plans are set.

I told her to take her time to think about what her needs are, and to call me back if she wants me to come and for what dates. She did not call me back.

Their 8 YO cat (which they ‘adopted’ after pressure from SIL’s mother) has had a significant medical decline (totally a house cat), and with the vet visit, it was determined that the cat needed to be put down. I asked DD1 why they didn’t do it then, and she said “they didn’t have time”. I told her it takes 5 minutes - but she had arranged to come back Monday to the vet with the cat. I imagine she didn’t have time to think/process it. She did mention to me if they ever get another pet they will get pet insurance – so I think the vet charges were more than she expected. Now another visit added on…

It did open up the conversation for me to say, that when they do move (with SIL’s Army move after his training) if they cannot take the guinea pig for a while, or forever, I can take him. So that can be a situation that she has options as she is managing 3 +1 children all under age 4. Oldest will be 5 a month before the baby is due.

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deleted for privacy reasons

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2737

She is showing leadership. Perhaps a future management career? :laughing:

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Judging by our grands experience, the favorite word upon turning 2 is either “no!” or “why?” :laughing: IMO, “no” is a bit easier to deal with than constantly having to provide “toddler-sized” explanation of why certain things need to be done etc. :laughing:

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2739

Project manager? Or a legislator? :laughing:

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2740

Attorney? CEO?

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2741

Our granddaughter (now 4) learned who was ‘in charge’. The parents didn’t tell me more specifics about this transition, so when she wanted to do specific things the extended day I was watching them, I pointed out that I was in charge when she wanted to do something (painting which I wasn’t familiar with set up with her and her 3 YO brother, and the mess) and she totally was OK and moved on to other ideas. The night before, when she had asked me about doing something, I told her that her mom and dad were in charge, but when they are not here that I am in charge.

Eventually these children do learn about who is in charge. I have a POP (SIL - push over parent) but DD1 seems to have the structure and SIL will follow.

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2742

I was thinking…what does your daughter when she needs to run errands, like grocery shopping, go to post office, parents conference, etc, does she need to bring all those kids?
I stayed home for 3 months when D2 was born. D1 was almost 5, and I remember how I barely managed to take them both to a grocery store. Ok, I did it once and never again.

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I was ok as a younger 30th mom juggling 2 little ones (2yrs apart) but 4 would be much more of a challenge.

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2744

At current time, all 3 children are in the same day care facility. DD1 has not been working many 5 day work weeks (M - F) since her husband went into training, as she earns four weeks of leave time/year and also has sick leave. She usually works 9 longer days and gets a day off out of the M - F (so the extra day off every other week). It works because daycare is super close to her work site and she drops them off as soon as she can and picks them up as late as she can. Tuesday she took a day off to do a big grocery shopping, and rest of day at home to get some things done and also get a short nap. She is 28 and has more energy than someone older, even with her pregnancy.

If she does take the 12 weeks maternity leave, and husband is still away (he will be away either in training or at his Army assignment), that is where she will need me to be a FT live in assist. The older one (or two) will probably go to Catholic school (K4, and kindergarten for the 5 YO) - or I will keep the 4 YO, and I will do the drop off and pick up for the school. DD1 and the younger two will follow the current routine with mom.

As soon as her 12 week work time is up after the maternity leave, then DD1 and all four kids will be packed up and move to off base housing with her husband at his Army assignment.

SIL seems to have a bright career with cyber security, but will take him some time after his Army commitment to get up to what she makes now. It depends where he works as to cost of living. We have a lot of opportunities where we live, and if the time comes, we can move and let them use our house (housing costs are really going up here, and we have 4 BR/3 BA home).

DD1 and SIL have desired for her to be SAHM, which may only be financially feasible for a short while – but hopefully after he has completed his Army duty, she can regroup. She is very good at budgeting, but how lean of living they can do, who knows. Because she has over 5 years in with the VA hospital, she can pick up some kind of work with them as a RN - and she will keep pay level and pay grade for a time, but IDK if that is only with FT work. I think she is getting herself boxed in to being SAHM, because the whole child care and raising the kids, she cannot try and work some hours and then be exhausted and not really be satisfied with the arrangement.

I do think she will ‘rethink’ some of the ideas she has (like homeschooling) - SIL was home schooled but there was only 2 of them. I was an older mom, and my DH is same age as me (we were 38 and 40 the years our two DDs were born) and DD1 will be 29 next Feb. I focused on family time and time with DDs before school and from school end to their bedtime - they were in a lot of music and sports extra curricular. They typically had a snack and or a meal soon after getting home, and towards the end of the evening finishing up homework. When my DH had to travel internationally and nationally a lot, I had to become SAHM when DDs were 3 and 5, as we have no family here and the kids needed to be raised properly with proper love/attention/oversight. School/activities/home was very busy. DD1 said she wants to raise her kids like she was raised, but SIL’s ideas have influenced quite a lot of her ideas. I just don’t want to see her become an old woman way before her time!

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My mom was 20 when she had her 1st, and had 5 kids in 7 1/2 years. Dad turned 30 the day my younger brother was born. My dad worked hard, and built up a good business. But that was a bit of a different era. Dad died early of cancer at age 64, and mom died of dementia/Alzheimer’s at age 77. DH and I were married 15 years when we had DD1. We had both worked hard and I also got additional graduate degrees; we moved quite a lot for DH’s career, and then finally had things pretty well ‘set’. DH and I are both 66 and really would like to stay healthy and active for quite a long time. We also really don’t look to being ‘done’ with children involvement/responsibility (parents felt ‘done’ with finishing college, and some people look to being ‘done’ with kid responsibility when the child turns 18). We are not running their lives, but we are a bit of a safety net. We want to stay close with kids and grandkids. SIL’s parents are about our ages but the dad has Parkinson’s (not bad at this point, but it has a negative effect on him emotionally and some physically) and the mom is very cautious – likes them to visit, but not able to do much for them help wise.

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I have been along with DD1/kids in grocery store. It does work better with 2 adults, but DD1 can manage. The older two are very well behaved (usually) and the 14 month old is very easy. However she also sometimes uses grocery delivery, order ahead and pick up service too.