Yesterday’s chaos…SIL picked up twins at their school, then drove 7 minutes to get GS from his preschool. Got everyone loaded up, gave them a healthy snack, then got on the Beltway to go home. a few minutes later Twin B began shrieking she had to go potty. (SIL’s Apple Watch recorded the volume at over 100 dB–enough to impair your hearing in 30 minutes.) After 10 minutes of shrieking, he pulled onto the shoulder and let Twin B pee in the grass by the side of the highway. Loaded her up and began driving. Then Twin A decided she too absolutely had to potty. Right. This. Minute. Another stop on the shoulder of the Beltway, but even longer since Twin A had taken her shoes off and thrown them into the back of the SUV and had to be re-shoed before she could get out of the car to pee.
No wonder it took him 50+ minutes to make a typically 30 minute trip.
New rule: everybody uses the toilet before they leave preschool. No more Beltway stops.
Today, the movers are supposed to deliver my furniture sometime after 2 pm. (They’ll call when they are 30 minutes away.) BUT… SIL is at meetings at the Pentagon all afternoon. D is in the midst of a 5 day stretch of 10 hour overnight work shifts so she’s day-sleeping. I’m supposed to pick up the grands, only the SUV is illegally parked at Metro train station in Fairfax and I have to drive there first, swap the small sedan for the SUV with 3 child seats, then pick up the kids and drive them home, hoping that by the time I get home at 4:15, the movers still haven’t come to the house.
My parents had four kids in less than four years, and then another four years later. They definitely couldn’t afford it. They muddled through, though. It was tough, and they were often overwhelmed. But we had a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs. Have faith in them … somehow, they’ll make it!
@WayOutWestMom they are so lucky to have you. @SOSConcern sometimes we just need to vent. I’m sure it’s frustrating as you are trying to help them move forward and another baby so close in age will make it more difficult.
Yesterday evening we got a FaceTime call from one of our kids. Her husband was out of town and she was having a hard time getting the baby to go to sleep with the toddler in the room. We FaceTimed with the toddler who was trying to show us his library book. He asked if I could show him what was in my cupboard and he pointed out all the snacks he likes. Next he wanted to see inside the refrigerator. He picked out what pouch he wants when we see him tomorrow. He also asked if we could bring him cheddar bunnies.
It is not the ‘close in age’ it is the number of children and their heavy reliance on her FT job…it will be 5 children ages newborn - 6 (oldest two will turn 7 and 6 a few months later). All I can say is we are ‘stunned’ but they will work it out. Their 2025 won’t be bad because of all their leave time. I told DH that the children will have to grow up a little faster/be more self-reliant, but that happens in years past and ‘the kids were alright’.
We are the safety net. IMHO it is being irresponsible. DD1 will handle more/better than SIL, but it is a shared family responsibility and the two adults need adult judgment.
Pretty much every minivan has seats for 7. Many make XL versions with 8 seats. OMG, just loading all those kids in their car seats will be so time consuming!
Oh, you are a New Yorker! Many people have 5-8 kids and they do drive them places. (I live in an area with a lot of big families, even in 2024) We always had a ‘9 passenger station wagon’ growing up for our family of 8. One car family, always a station wagon (and yes, I had to learn to parallel park it to get a driver’s license).
Now it is more likely for a family to have a mini-van or a Chevy Suburban or a huge Admiral which I think is a Chrysler?
For me, as a babysitting grandmother, the problem would be getting so many buckled into car seats safely and quickly. It would be tough dealing with a toddler or two at the same time as an infant, as well as the older children. It was different when H was growing up in a very large family. Then, multiple kids sat in the far back of a station wagon and often four or more were crammed into the bench seat in the middle. No one wore seat belts.
There are some car seats and high back booster seats that advertise their narrow design so they can fit three across.
I just googled…in NY you must have one caretaker for every 2 kids under 2. As a grandparent I do t think I could take care of that many kids. I am panicking over taking care of a 3 year old and an infant. I hope D1 won’t expect me to do that.
People have ways of coping. Often in the grocery store parking lot, I see the kids who can walk holding on to the car until the parent is ready for them to walk into the store, usually after securing a child in a car seat into the cart. On the shows on TV like Outdaughtered (1 older kid, plus quints) they show the loading and unloading, first in car seats and then able to buckle themselves in with just a parent checking the buckles.
My kids always needed car seats and then boosters. They would never get in a car without one, and now would never get in one without a seat belt. It is just habit. They have friends whose parents weren’t strict about it, (and lots of kids screaming and unbuckling and refusing to get into a car so I know it can be an issue) but it is never something that they even questioned because they had me, the meanest mother in the world about things like that. They sat in the back seat until they were 13 and 14 years old, mostly out of habit when they were 11-14, but I never changed it because they were both very small (under 5’, and under 100 pounds) and my front seat had air bags that couldn’t be deactivated. I didn’t even like my mother riding in the front seat as she was 5’2" so I made her move the seat all the way back.
So congratulations, SOS, on #5. I hope it is 5x the fun even if it is 5x the work and worry.
In a commercial daycare? I don’t think an infant room has 5 workers if they have 10 kids. Mine didn’t (not in NY) but it was a YMCA so there were other workers in the center. Ours had 2 in the room with 10 babies, and they had a supervisor floating between the 2 infant rooms. The toddler rooms (age 12 months to 3 year, had to be able to walk) had 2-3 in the rooms but had 18 kids in them. Always at least 2 adults.
It was for family care.
“ Family day care allows for up to six children, ages 6 weeks through 12 years, plus two additional school-age children . There must always be one caregiver for every two children who are younger than 2 years old.”
That reads like a licensed family daycare (care done not a commercial facility but in the owner’s own house), which is what our youngest grandchild goes to (not in NYC). Don’t think this applies to unpaid family helpers!
@SOSConcern It sounds as if your D wants a large family - not everyone’s choice, but I’m sure she and SIL will be fine.
I do share your concerns about your taking care of that many children. I don’t think I could handle that many young ones. Perhaps she can find someone to be a Mother’s (Grandmothers) helper when you are pinch hitting.
I believe that daycare numbers of children to adult caregiver ratio is not quite so low in other states for number of caregivers for 2 and under age group, but we are very comfortable in the daycare setting the younger children are in, and this last summer the older two had summer camp/care at same setting — they have two buildings, and the one building is a house that was converted specifically for the youngest children in care. Before pick-up time the children are in a large space/living room area, and even the smallest child responds/interacts with the other children.
SIL has been less equipped to handle the kids than DD1, but he is growing in his skills. When DD1 was pregnant with child #3, we took along child #2 so that SIL only had the one older child to take care of — and I am pretty sure he was not in tune with child safety with #2 (something happened where DD1 took along child #2 for her own peace of mind).
Correct about car seats - they will need to get at least one slim one for the oldest so 3 can be in the back row of their Odyssey, and another baby seat/carrier like they have for their one-year-old, unless current youngest can go up a car seat. Also, another car seat for their other car so they can tote 3 children to school in the smaller vehicle (they now have 2 seats in the other vehicle) or pick up 3 in the smaller vehicle. The baby carrier/car seat has the top part where that can get strapped in another vehicle w/o the base.
I suspect they will eventually be car shopping to replace their second vehicle with one that can carry more/all of them. The Odyssey can carry parents plus 5 kids.
I believe DD1 was not disappointed with her pregnancy with #5. SIL, IDK. We spoke with DD2 last night, and she said she was not surprised with the pregnancy.
This set of grandparents, who are the safety net (other set can barely meet their own needs), accept the situation and I sent text congratulatory messages to both parents. A baby is always a blessing, but it sometimes means others step up – and that is where I feel DD1/SIL are behaving in an immature manner, and irresponsibly. “It will all work out” - that is true to an extent but drawing resources outside of the parents because they have taken steps into areas where other people are strained due to their choice. It would have been more responsible to continue saving for a home. DD1 had always told me she wants her children to be raised like her sister and she were raised – well spreading the money to 5 children instead of less is a challenge in many households. IDK if DD1 believes with her income and her husband’s climbing income that will all be ‘alright’ - but that is counting on a lot. Most likely our estate will provide a welcome inheritance when that time comes, and we will make sure the grandkids will be provided for while we are alive.
And @VeryHappy I continue to be supportive, but ‘stunned’ is the best way to describe how DH and I continue to feel. Next week’s MD appointment will verify one baby (which pretty sure it will not be twins) - although always a possibility.
The trouble with the slim car seats is that you have 3 slim ones to fit 3 across. It doesn’t work with 2 regular and one narrower one. We tried that and it just doesn’t fit and you cannot properly install them.
BTDT since D1 has 3 close in age and need to have car seats for all of them.
