The Grandparent Thread

Parent Cafe
4787

It has been a very fun 2 weeks with the 3 grandkids. H & I took a bunch of time off, some of the parents were able to take time off, and kids were out of daycare for some of it. We went to several Christmas events, baked cookies, made pillow forts, and travelled to a second-cousin reunion. It has been great. Now back to reality.

Part of the reality is that in early December, GD (almost 5) was diagnosed with multiple developmental delays.She has poor fine motor skills (OT), not great expressive language (ST) and doesn’t really engage with her classmates in daycare (she went to play therapy but it really didn’t work out). She’s been at the same daycare since she was 7 months old and it is excellent. I’m surprised about the social engagement because she always talks about her friends and is always up for a play date or birthday party. Another issue is that she’s not completely bowel-trained. She started seeing a pediatric gastro about a year ago. The doctor finally recommended a laxative. The parents were only doing this on the weekends because they didn’t’t want daycare to have to deal with the messes if she needed to go at day care. The gastro suggested they increase it to daily, but it is rough on everyone. The alternative was constipation, which was another whole set of problems. I don’t think GD can sense when she’s having a bowel movement. D & SIL are so patient with this. They’ve moved away to another gastro with a different health system. They’ve had one tele-visit and they have 2 appointments this month with a pediatric gastro-psychologist as well as a regular pediatric gastro.

All of this has brought on major anxiety in GD. The OT and ST hopefully start this month. Its 30 minutes/week for each and they’ll come to the center. I’m not sure what’s going on with the social stuff.

D&SIL are getting overwhelmed with all the appointments, diagnoses, and trying to work this around their jobs. D has a masters in special ed which helps them understand some of this. I would like them to seek more intensive private OT and ST therapy. I’m also worried about GD in kindergarten next year. Its a half day program and I believe there are 2 different after care programs she’ll need to attend. In my opinion, it is too many transitions for her. I have suggested she attend a full day private school for K which would be smaller and more nurturing. We have offered to help them pay for some of this, but D wants to stick with their plan for the moment.Did I mention that D can be very stubborn?

Anyhow…sorry for the rambling. Any suggestions or experience would be helpful.

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4788

D & SIL will navigate as they best can. I agree with you about taking advantage of less transitions with a full day program. Hopefully they can find the balance on the bowel situation. Maybe the OT or other children specialty folks (including pediatrician) can give some recommendations with having the ‘learning’ or a system going with GD managing her BMs once she doesn’t have the two ends of the spectrum, constipation or runny uncontrolled BMs.

The 3 GKids all from same family?

Yes, the job situation and managing the extra appointments (and stresses).

When one child needs the extra help, the extras to start in the school system. I agree with you the changing with a half day schooling versus a full day and one after care. However have the next 8 months to sort out things, and decide at that point - except for getting into the private school, may be a wait list. IMHO keeping options open, even with paperwork and some fees.

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4789

That’s a lot. And if things don’t work out with 1/2 day kindergarten and after school programs, can they switch later?

I think the hardest thing about grown children is that it’s hard to let them make their own choices and own failures. Ugh, that’s so hard! Because I know what is a better choice! :joy:

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4790

It’s a lot for everyone! The changes and info that is.

I bet OT and PT are going to be fun for her. In fact, I’d focus on that. Present it as “today is time with Ms Cindy” instead of “today is therapy” day. It will be important work for her but presented in PLAY. Let her see it as a fun activity and not “work” or performance based. The therapist can talk to you about her skill progress but she should see it as a special playtime.

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4791

The parents will get advice from the therapists when they work with GD as to which approach is best. Moreover, I don’t know how it works where GD lives, but in many cases, OT and ST staff can get accommodations and arrangements that the parents can’t get on their own.

However–and again I don’t know how it works where GD lives–but right now there is a real shortage of service providers nationwide, so it can be difficult to access services. That said, sometimes when it is, after the first assessment parents can get reimbursed for private services if the school is unable to provide them. This is almost always easier to do if the experts say a child needs these services and they aren’t being provided than if parents try to figure out what is best, make the arrangements, and then try to get some reimbursement.

This is my long-winded attempt to say that your GD may end up with more intensive private OT and ST therapy paid for, at least in part, by taxpayers or their medical insurance company, if the experts say the twice a week for 30 minutes isn’t sufficient.

So, I think it’s wise for your GD’s parents to see how the current plan goes before ramping it up.

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4792

Agree about ‘that’s a lot’.

To me, getting the best kindergarten. If she then goes to the first-grade public and doesn’t do well, can always repeat and let her ‘catch up’ with all her developmental delays.

The parents might be thinking of all the things they will be taking on with the new school situation, and maybe a bit of their pride for grandparents helping with tuition.

Once the parents realize the grandparents are wanting to be of support to their nuclear family, and that all want the best for their children.

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Again, I don’t know how things work where GD lives, but going to a smaller private K might not be the best thing. Nor would I assume that a full day K program would be better than a half day with after school care for a child with low muscle tone.

Mansfield said the services will be provided for GD at the day care center. Would they be provided at a private kindergarten? I don’t know, but it’s not something I’d just assume. Even if you get private therapists, you not only have to get them to agree to drive back and forth to the school, you have to get the school to agree to allow them to enter the school and provide some sort of space for the lesson to occur. I wouldn’t just assume a private school will agree to that.

It’s my understanding that it’s often easier to get services at a public school. If you look at the roster of staff at my grandchildren’s school, it includes specialists of this sort. They are based at the school. They pull kids out of their regular classes. It’s my understanding that they work with teachers to figure out the best time for a particular child. So, if the child struggles in math, he won’t get pulled out during math instruction.

Kids at private schools are entitled to these services, but, in my admittedly limited experience, it’s less common for them to be provided at school if it isn’t a school specifically for children with various disabilities. The specialists aren’t going to be based at the school. Mom and dad are going to have to drive them to appointments, or the specialist will come to the child’s home. It can be very hard to get an evening or weekend appointment if mom and dad both work. If you’re lucky, you’ll get an early morning or late afternoon appointment, so mom and dad can arrange their work commitments.

Again, maybe where Mansfield’s GD lives this isn’t a consideration. I don’t know.

I can tell you though that where my grandkids live, there are families who have pulled their kids out of private schools and put them into public when it became clear that the kids need therapy. Life is just so much easier when the therapies happen during the school day.

Moreover, when specialists weren’t available, the teachers at my grandkids’ school did their best to give help to the kids with IEPs. They have an incentive to do so because one of the things they are evaluated on each year is how much academic progress the kids with IEPs in their class made.

It’s also possible–not saying it will happen, just that it’s possible–that if the public half day kindergarten takes place in the same building as upper grades, that therapies could take place in the other half of the day so GD doesn’t get yanked out of class at all.

Attending private kindergarten might mean not only paying for tuition there but paying more for therapies than you’d pay if the child goes to a public school and receives therapies there.

Again, I’m only suggesting that at this point I don’t think grandparents should be suggesting what’s best for GD because I’m not sure you have enough information to know.

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4794

Take some deep breaths. One step at a time. Getting her involved with some professionals like OT AND PT will also provide more support for the family in making decisions and advocating for her.

Try not to look ahead to school and fall right at this moment. You can get her name on lists for programs but see where she is in a few months with her health and developmental issues. Decisions may become clearer after a little time of intervention.

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I was a special ed hearing officer. In our state (HI) only kids in PUBLIC school are entitled to services, not kids in private school. They are supposed to provide the services the child needs and have an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP), with all the services the child needs specified. Kids in private school MAY get some speech therapy, and that’s about all.

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Federal law, the IDEA (individuals with disabilities education act), entitles all children who qualify to services. 0-3 yrs is one program and 3-21 (school age) is Child Find. All are entitled to an assessment, and then to the services they need. The county or school district doesn’t have to go to a private school so it may require the parents to transport if they choose to send their child to a private school.

My daughter qualified for 0-3 and the OT/PT came to our home but my insurance company paid for 50 therapies per year. We could have had more therapies through the 0-3 program but I would have had to take her to a clinic. When she turned 3 she was in OT/PT at a grade school. The therapist gave me the last appt of the day (IIRC, 5 pm) so I picked her up from day care and took her there. It was NOT at the school they would have gone to for k-5,so if I’d wanted her to continue with these therapies, she either would have had to go to the other school or they would have transported her from our neighborhood school. Nope. Not having a 5 year old ride in a school bus for about 5 miles and miss class time. I think I continued to take her for k and 1st and then decided to drop it. Different schools had different services and our neighborhood school didn’t happen to have OT/PT.

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Wow. This group is awesome. You have provided some useful advice and food for thought. GD is an only child. The 2 boys belong to my S. It was a pretty traumatic birth for mother and child. D had some physical complications for awhile afterwards and they decided to stop at one.

We live in an area with good public schools and an abundance of private schools. I have spent the past 25 years working at a private school in an administrative area. My school provides a wonderful daycare for employee children (and grandchildren) and GD has had great teachers there. During the years at my job, I have listened to a lot of my teacher friends talk about their challenging students and what services they needed. I feel I have a pretty good handle on what is available from the state for private school students. As some of you suggested, she might get better and more “convenient” services at the public school. GD can’t attend my school because it is all boys.

As I mention, D has a masters in special ed as well as a masters in reading. She spent the first 6 years or so of her career working with autistic children. She’s worked the last 10 years as a reading specialist but most of her students also receive other services. She is very familiar with IEPs and parent meetings as well as the lack of qualified service providers and the depth of what they can provide.

We are all want GD to thrive physically and emotionally. Her parents will make the decisions and we have told them how we can support them. I am just grateful for all of your responses and it has been a place for me to vent and not have to bite my tongue all the time.

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My GS presently gets services through two programs I think. The developmental therapy takes place at their home. The speech therapist also comes to the home.His PT, OT and feeding therapy takes place at a county center. They have used outside private therapists sometimes using their health insurance. When he is school age the therapists come to the public schools. They have been told the best route is public school otherwise they would have to pick him up and take him. Even in our area the districts have different ideas as to why they want to pay for.

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One of our relatives had in home speech therapy and is now in preschool to help with language development. She’s talking a lot more (but many of us still have difficulty understanding her).

Another friend in NM also had speech therapy and early preschool due to delayed language. He ended up majoring in cinema and you’d never guess he had any issues with speech. m

My S had speech therapy in preschool (Elks) and then grade school. He didn’t like being pulled out of class so I took him to speech therapy at the local grad school where graduate speech therapy students worked with him after he was done with the school day. It was free and a win/win! Now you’d never guess he ever had any speech therapy.

I hope this young person can get the services that could help.

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Yes it is difficult to know all the intricacies within the various settings. DD1 needed speech therapy. I didn’t realize the public school system speech therapists would work with children starting at age 3, but they only provided speech therapy for each child (or groups of 2 or 3 children with the same level of need) once a week. DD1 had private speech therapy twice a week which it worked out that I could leave work and take her for it; the therapist was great with drawing little pictures along with the sound letter (or letters) on the page. When DD1’s articulation was cleared up, a co-worker suggested I get her screened by school speech therapist, and DD qualified for speech morphology (as I had previously stated, a picture of a dog or a picture of a group of dogs, DD1 would say ‘dog’). I could schedule her public-school individual speech therapy time at 8 am and then take her to the full day private Montessori kindergarten with work arrival after her drop off. While the public-school speech therapist time would allow, she could stay with individual session (so I could see what was being done and repeat those things with DD1 between therapy sessions).

Logistically, it was just DH and myself. With just two children, we could manage pretty well until DH had an explosion of national and international work travel, at which time I became a SAHM.

Reading what @HImom said, I do think our system was speech therapy only, but evaluations included the team and psychometrist. Although that was my understanding and based on the Federal law about IDEA that @twoinanddone brought up that what may have been done early and then services were possibly expanded later. And I would be with her (@HImom ) in planning around to not have a 5 YO child shuttled to another school by a school bus and missing some regular class time as well.

Our private (Catholic) school had a resource teacher that helped evaluate kids and utilize services with our public school - and when DD1 had a particular problem in English in 7th grade, we did get a pretty thorough evaluation, including with the school psychometrist (another one who had done the work up years earlier). It turns out the rather young teacher had given an assignment, and in DD’s situation it was an impossible assignment based on the topic, but the teacher was too inexperienced. It was good to have the team evaluation (with our school resource teacher and me at the team table) and the reassurance that DD1 was handling things well and compensating for auditory processing (competing ear disorder) - which was diagnosed with her expanded testing as a 5-year-old.

We know some parents that had a child with needs for strong IEP and interventions to have that child in public school. One child from DD1’s class went to public HS after grade school due to physical needs (progressed to needing a wheelchair and less motor ability continuing).

I do think it was the offer of help with tuition if that was the barrier, but OP came back and said this was an only child. I do think the parents might be thinking this will be their only child based on the needs of this child and the mom having a job that can have her ‘spent’ as far as having the possibility of another special needs child. It sounds like some of this child’s problems will be outgrown, and maybe the parents will think again of having more than one child.

Sometimes one may seem ‘overwhelmed’ - and time will tell what the parents do decide to do. They could change their decision if they see another choice would be better for their child.

I do remember how I felt after the testing and having another problem identified - but then with research realized our learning hurdle with DD1 was less than many students.

I had a friend whose son had such a massive visual problem (and other items on IEP) that she did work closely to make sure he got all the services due to him. He had essentially large table-sized machine to provide the magnification of the school work. The mother was an engineer that worked a 30 hour work week and had two other sons in public school; her H worked FT and I believe he was an engineer as well. She was pretty passionate about her sons’ education, and the school knew they had to provide the services.

I have another friend whose DD was dyslexic, and was in public school while her brother was in Catholic school. The very smart mom had to also fight for all the services due her DD.

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One of my friends was an economics professor. Her 1st child had Down’s Syndrome. She took several special ed courses to know what was due her child and how to advocate for him. He’s very happy and nearing 50 now and able to live in a group home with some support. She also was an excellent special ed hearings officer.

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I have a heart on mine courtesy of my 4 year old granddaughter today.

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That’s interesting. In VA they are as eligible as any other child as they live in a public school district and have a right. Tax payer money and all that. The bump is that parents are responsible for setting it up and getting them there. My son was in parochial school and by the grace of God there was a public elementary school right across the street and the therapist was willing and able to take them (it was not my son’s public school, same system. I went and escorted him and another boy over each week for their speech therapy. Saved so much time and shortened time away from his class work.

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I didn’t fight and didn’t need more services but understood our state was only devoting its resources to kids attending public schools. They might offer speech therapy for private school kids. I’m not clear on what justification they used to make the cutoff on services.

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We now have the grandkids cold. With 4 grandkids under 3 and 2 of them in daycare/preschool someone is always. Germ spreading machine.

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GD will be coming over later for her first “sleepover” at Mimi and Grandpa’s house (she has slept here before but only when one or both of her parents were here.

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