“Letting her experience natural consequences” - yes, that happens.
DD1 (and all of us) distinctly remembers this when as an older child (maybe 3rd or 4th grade) she got mouthy to me, and I said “You need to behave better, as we have XXX arts festival this weekend” (excellent kids/community fine arts 3-day event which DDs totally enjoy) – and DD1 said “I don’t care, I don’t want to go” – I perhaps should have paused, but at that point I guess she needed the lesson, so I said “fine, you will stay home”. On Saturday, a beautiful day, DH took DD2 to the arts festival and DD1 stayed home with me. I think DD1 might have believed she would be able to go despite her remembered comments and my decision accepting her comment, but it was a sad kind of day. Embraced the future arts festival years (and DDs also enjoyed the arts festival as part of youth orchestra having performances there).
Generally, DD1 has made the mistakes. DD2 (25 months younger) observed, paid attention, and generally had not made this kind of mistake with ‘natural consequences’.
Parent and grandparent follow through important for consistency.
SIL is ADHD (controlled behaviorally, his brother is managing life better as an adult on medication). GS1 who physically has many SIL characteristics is not having any problematic signs, but parents acknowledge that he probably has a bit of ADHD. The lone two brothers’ parents were a bit oblivious to it, in part probably because their dad was also ADHD.
Perfectionist desire is GD1 - and melt downs when what was desired was not achieved. If tired, it comes out; better managed because one can reason better with her then.
GD1 is 4+ yrs and the baby is 5 months. We found GD1 was particular challenging at 3. She found her opinions and voice at 3. She wanted to have a say about what she wanted to eat, what books she wanted to read and how she wanted to play.
I second the timer thing method. D1 bought few times for the house. She would turn it on before going to bed (5 more minutes), when to shut off the TV, etc. It generally worked well (until it doesn’t) because it gave GD1 some control.
I have to say at 4+ yr old, GD1 is doing much better and able (willing) to follow directions even with a new baby.
DGS 5 was a runner…and is a very strong-willed little dude. He is 2 yrs 4 months older than DGD, and he definitely acted out some, and would run away and not follow directions, etc. I don’t actually have any advice, but he has outgrown some of that (but not the strong-willed. He is who he is). Thank goodness the running off stopped, because no way would I be able to keep up with him running!
This is highly unlikely to be the issue but make sure his hearing has been tested recently. Sometimes, after an infection or bad cold the ears remained clogged. Smart kids who aren’t really aware of what happened lipread or follow the lead of other kids. However, if the child is facing in the other direction and there aren’t other kids there to give them a cue, the child simply doesn’t hear what is said.Again, I know this is highly unlikely to be the case, but sometimes kids pick up infections in preschool which can lead to some loss of hearing. I’ve known a couple of kids this happened to.
This happened to my husband. He is partially deaf. He was also the oldest of four, the others born when he was 1,2, and 4. Was seen as a problem kid by his young, overwhelmed parents. His first grade teacher figured out he was lip-reading.
Everyone talks about terrible twos and I tell my children “don’t believe them”. By far it’s “terrible threes”!
Two is a lot of chasing. Three is them knowing what they are doing and intentionally defying as they gain more independence.
Stay consistent, and wait for four
I read a book a long time ago that said the “terrible twos” and “terrific threes” weren’t a thing. The changes in behavior are tied to rapid growth spurts which occur in approximately 6 month cycles (akin to a spiral). So enjoy the quiet times but get ready for the next spurt–but rest assured that peace will return.
Haha - my four year old GD has moved from intentionally defying to thinking she can talk adults into whatever she wants. She’s quite the negotiator, but her parents, H & I are fine with telling her no. Her other grandparents, not so much!
Oh, and she told me today that she won’t be a mom when she grows up … she said that she’s only going to have grown ups around when she’s big. Guess she’s not that into babies!
I had one child who never really went through a terrible phase and one who was , shall we say “ spirited”? Totally different personalities, but OTOH the one who was more “ difficult “ was also the more sweet and affectionate child.
Fortunate that the four grandbabies (age 6 down to 21 months) are healthy, good eaters, and fairly well behaved. Baby #5 due any time. Spring break is going well with the older two (GD1 will turn 7 in May, and GS1 will turn 6 in July). I have found that we can leave the older two with unsupervised play upstairs, but once the littles are home, forget it. The other night, the parents sat in the family room downstairs (while I was cleaning up the kitchen) and all 4 kids were upstairs ‘trashing’ the place (son-in-law got sent by DD1 to go upstairs to check). DD1/SIL needed to discuss the ‘leave’ plan - coordinating schedules. DD1 has 12 weeks leave but is proposing to do some work remote due to a large grant she is spearheading; he has certain restraints on what he wants to work around on his leave time and much flexibility - his Army leave time is used in one week increments and needs to be used by the time the baby turns one. DD1 had to point out that they will not use outside care for the baby until the older two children return to school after summer break - it will cost $300/week for the baby at daycare, but the cost is justifiable at that time. SIL has to plan to transport the littles to daycare through the summer - the older two will be home when school ends and DD1 has someone in mind to hire part time for some weeks with taking those two to various activities and doing things with them over the summer for half days. I had to get the dishwasher going before it gets late because I sleep in the family room (open to the kitchen) and the dishwasher is fairly loud (this is a rent house, which is very good in many ways, but noisy dishwasher). At home I have a very quiet Bosch which is barely heard in the kitchen. The first night I didn’t get the dishwasher running until 11 pm, and SIL gets in the kitchen at 4:20 am and reports to Army at 5 am. DD1 leaves with the littles by 6:10 am. I was tired the first night because my flight was 5 am that morning. I get the littles up and dressed (baby diaper change and dressed, GS2 to potty and dress) - they get breakfast at daycare but get a breakfast bar. Once DD1 comes downstairs, she doesn’t need to go back upstairs - that is why I am here.
SIL does not have ‘practical’ sense in many ways, nor has speed up skills when it comes to childcare - he has not seemed to have ‘grown’ with skills from one child to four children. SIL relies so much on DD1. The other night GD2 (21 months old) had pasta in her toddler chair and had wanted more food, and I was cleaning up her chair while she wanted to sit in the mess. SIL was standing next to us with nothing in his arms, so I picked GD2 up and handed her to him. He got insulted (acting like I should ask him first?) DD1 was still eating and had to say his name in a tone like ‘cut it out’. He acted like I had to ask him that he needed to hold her until I could clean up her chair so she could again eat. It was a commonsense situation. It took only a minute for him to hold her. He gets ‘territorial’ and gets really into the idea that I am telling him what to do - well it is his daughter, and maybe he wants her to sit in a mess and he then clean her up and the mess up (that would be a ‘no’) - but too many steps ahead consequences. I was internally frustrated with how he was ignoring how everyone else was eating (and I was feverishly working to serve the food and to meet the kids’ needs) and I had not sat down to eat yet. He had gotten up for whatever reason and the toddler chair would have needed to be moved for him to go around the table that way - but instead of going around the table the other way…so he was right there for me to hand GD2 to him.
Last night’s meal was easy for me to serve the children and say to DD1/SIL for them to fix their own plates. The baby’s food has to have time to cool so I plate that up before the rest of the kids’ food gets plated - and by then it is cool enough for her to eat. GD2 does great with table food.
I have learned to lead to their decision making - last night “I will clean up the kitchen if you both take care of the kids’ baths/showers” - and that worked out great. The one night was leftovers (the pasta/toddler chair incident) which I totally took care of while DD1 rested in the recliner. Otherwise DD1 prepares the meal and has everything ready for when SIL gets home. I have done all the kitchen clean up duty since I have arrived.
I stayed with D1 this week while SIL was out of town. I didn’t really have to do that much because she hired a temp nanny for GD1 and the regular nanny to take care of GD2. But I still ended up picking up GD2 (6 months) quite a bit because I couldn’t help myself. On my way out this morning to come to work, I did my last feeding for GD2, and pulled my back. Now I have to go see a chiropractor. I understand why people have children when they are much younger.
Two outdoor stories from last night - GD2 (21 months old) climbed up the 6’ privacy fence and was hanging on the top, while GD1 (age 6) had her around the waist and GS1 called me to attend to the situation. GD2 just didn’t know how to climb down. She is strong and has a mind of her own. That night she ate a 12 inch frankfurter plus some (cut in small pieces). If she really likes something she seems to have a bottomless stomach.
The second situation was that the kids on a previous backyard time had broken off the cover for the hose knob. So GS1 (age 5) thought it was a good idea to turn on the hose to create a back yard puddle. GS2 (age 3) enjoyed the messy time while it lasted.
We took GS to zoo this weekend with his cousins (technically 2nd cousins because their mom is my daughter’s cousin). The younger one is just about 9 months older than GS and the older one is 5. It was fun to watch them interact. He was determined to do what they were doing. He was exhausted by the time we were done.
Sunday he came over and hung out and had a ball playing in our backyard. It was fascinating to see how much is fine motor skills have improved just in the last week. He was using a spoon to eat rice like a pro on Sunday.
The three older grandchildren got ‘wild’ in the bunk bed bedroom that also has a large playing table for auto/city (with drawers below to store the play items). This was after supper and with their pjs on. GS3 (3 1/2) jumped or fell from the table and hit his face on the right side against the wooden bunkbed ladder - immediate black bruise next to his right eye but thankfully no other physical damage to him. This is the older two kids’ bedroom (ages almost 7 and almost 6) - and we have to remind them to be very careful with ‘the littles’. This morning, I told GD1 and GS1 to look at GS2’s face and remember what happens when you are too wild and rough with him. GS2 was happy this morning and will have a story to tell at daycare.
GS2 wants to participate and is rather fearless, so supervision and restraint is in order. GD2 has a very adventurous spirit as well (21 months) and sometimes she will throw her head back and flail her body when you are holding her and she has something other in mind.
This weekend GD1 stayed with me. She wanted to open a yellow envelope my mom gave me. I told her no. She asked what was in it. I said they are papers I needed to file my mom’s taxes with. She asked why (of course). I said we all need to file taxes or we’ll get in trouble. When her dad showed up to pick her up, she pointed to the yellow envelope and said, “Po-Po, tell Dad about the envelope.” She clearly wanted her Dad to know about filing taxes. She didn’t want him to get in trouble.
Oldest grandkid is turning three. I’m the designated cake maker which is funny since I’m not a baker.
I have one grandchild who has a genetic disorder that causes hypotonia and developmental delays. It’s a rare condition and I’m worried about all the cuts in research. Only through research in science and genetics do they even know the cause. The parents are great and doing everything they can but I know it’s hard.
On my way out this morning to come to work, I did my last feeding for GD2, and pulled my back. Now I have to go see a chiropractor. I understand why people have children when they are much younger.