The Grandparent Thread

Parent Cafe
5168

It’s a girl! GS1 was disappointed, but before they came home (and we found out at home) he first said “I really hope it is a boy” and then “I hope it is a girl” as the alternative; but when he found out it was a girl he cried (he is 5 1/2) - I think between all the emotions of mom/dad gone this morning, and then their brief appearance before going into the master suite to not be disturbed.

DD1 got 2 hours of sleep before labor started at midnight - and she delivered at the birthing center a little after 4 am. Baby girl is over 7 lbs and all is good. Mom/dad picked up breakfast on the way home and arrived home before 9 am.

Her intent was to have a quick turnaround, have a more relaxed L & D with midwife/birthing center situation. Her 4 prior births were at a nice hospital in another city/state. SIL said they enjoyed this experience better, but they are ‘experienced’ parents with all healthy deliveries. DD1 was so tired, she ate oatmeal at home before going to bed. Baby was sleeping and has been sleeping. Mid-day SIL brought the baby out for some time with siblings and to also have a few pictures.

This girl makes it easier for DD1 with the clothes, as she has the 21 mo old GD2 and can pass down the clothes/shoes and do supplemental clothing easily. It is nice that GS1 and GS2 are back-to-back which also helps with their clothes/shoes.

We are so happy all has gone well. Today was a big day for Nana taking care of everything at home. Midwife will make a home visit tomorrow and it is my understanding that they will get the birth certificate then as well.

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5169

Congratulations. Glad to hear both mom and the baby are well.

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5170

Congratulations!!!

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5171

Congratulations! I’m so glad you are there for the siblings to help them with their feelings, too!

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5172

Congratulations!!!

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5173

Congrats

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5174

Congratulations!

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5175

Two fun things today. As we turned into driveway of our church this AM , GS clapped and said “yay”.

Today kids turned in fundraising boxes. Duribg time for kids, minister asked where they got coins for their boxes. GS looked at her and said “mama” it was clear he was answering the question

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5176

Congrats SOS family!

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5177

I just saw a video of 4 yr old GS1 riding a bike with pedals by herself. She is growing up fast.

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5178

Little Miss Mess spent the night at our house. She is going to be 2 in
May and OMG she is so talkative! Tries to repeat anything we say! So we have to be careful. No more “oh crap” when we drop something! :laughing: She also has a great memory. My husband showed her how to smell daphne flowering by our front door three weeks ago. Yesterday, she got out of the car and the first thing she headed to the daphne bush to smell the flowers!

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5179

They’re little sponges.

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5180

The grandkids were fractious at weekend, but thankfully it was warm here so the adults told them to go outside and play. As they ran around screaming & yelling, stripped huge piles of flowers off bushes, climbed the said bushes, breaking branches, and broke off bamboo from the hillside then proceeded to whack at each other with the stalks, I turned my SIL and said: Now I understand the prehistoric footprints they found at White Sand Monument (which used to be the shore of an enormous lake). There was one set of adolescent footprints and several set of footprints from younger children, crisscrossed and overlain with giant sloth footprints. Mom had had enough of obstreperous little kids and sent them off under the supervision of their slightly older sib, told them to play on the shore and stay away from the giant sloth (which was a warning they, of course, completely ignored…) Some thing never change.

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5181

Sunday afternoon, the older three children (6,5 and 3 1/2), watching “Mary Poppins” decided during a quiet scene towards the end of the movie to ‘act out’ wildly some of the earlier parts of the movie - screaming/hitting/laughing/pushing. We had to shut the movie off. Only the 5 YO got his ‘treat’ before bedtime. 6 YO carried on so much - and continued to carry on after the movie was shut off that she had a choice in punishment. She did not want to lose softball practice on Tuesday, so she took a dad swat on the behind.

It can be ‘exhausting’. I had to do steps up and down a few times between 7 pm and 8:30 pm when they all were settled into bed. GD2 (21 months) was in bed at 7:30 pm.

SIL took the 4 kids to school/daycare this morning. It should be a quiet evening tonight.

DH arrives Wednesday evening and Baptism is Sunday. DH and I leave together April 9th.

5182

I’m going to be judgey here, I felt sick to my stomach reading about the “ dad swat”…. Brings back some bad memories of my childhood.

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5183

I think some things are better left unsaid

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5184

Did a parent seriously give a young child a choice between being hit and missing a team sport event? That makes me very uncomfortable to say the least.

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5185

The child chose a punishment. A swat on the bottom. She had willfully disobeyed over a period of time. “being hit” - is a term that implied something different. Parent was calm. Child was calm at the time of ‘the punishment’. Dad had a long talk with GD1.

They have ‘warnings’ and a 3-strike system (saying ‘one strike’ when there is continual disobedience). They all want their 'treat. GD1 continued to behave in an extremely bad way, and intermittently ‘screamed’ to also behave badly in other ways - baby asleep or nursing in mom’s arms, getting the younger children riled up when they all should be calming down for bed, inciting 3 1/2 YO to behave badly.

GD1 was allowed time to calm herself. She drove this all to a level where the dad gave a choice of punishment. He had seen and experienced enough. GD1 would not listen to mom, dad, Nana.

She is in some personality ways is very much like the dad, and normally this GD1 wants to please the dad. If she behaves badly when he is not present “don’t tell daddy”.

Only GS1 got a treat Sunday night.

Today and tonight everyone had good behavior, all 3 got their treat. All had a good day at school/daycare. They are getting use to mom/dad giving attention to GD3 (baby #5) who is now 3 days old.

When a child behaves ‘off the rails’ - corrective action to the situation.

The last time I knew of one of the children getting a swat on the bottom from the dad was over 2 years ago - so it is very infrequent to say the least.

5186

I think this is on topic, and not ‘debative,’ so I will answer about what I think the role of grandparenting can be.

I think that using violence against children is always wrong. I think that any kind of hitting, even if it is called “swatting” is a form of violence, i.e. “I am going to enforce my will because I am bigger and stronger than you.” While this may lead to short-term obedience, it leads to long-term problems, not least is hatred and resentment of the violent parent and any other adult around who let the violence pass.

I am also concerned with using “treats” to reward children, because it does not focus on developing internal reward systems i.e. feeling better if you make the right choices.

What I hear in your story is a family that has many children, extremely close together. That is in some ways unfair to the other siblings who need to get by with less - less attention, less love in ways they are feeling most, less time with parents. This is a huge burden on them and one that they did not request.

What we can do as grandparents is to try to mitigate things that are not going well, or not fair, to our grandchildren. For example, a sibling who now has a million babies underfoot might need more love, not less (and certainly not threats and punishment for expressing normal feelings). When kids act dysregulated as it sounded like GD1 was doing, it’s because they are being asked to do too much in the moment. It’s not clear to me that screen time, at the end of a long day, was a great choice for her, but at any rate, she is too young to have set up her day and it sounds like it didn’t go well because of adult structures and expectations.

GD1 is now the oldest of several children and she is herself a very young child. As her Nana, maybe you can be the person who will always baby her unconditionally. These years are extremely short and fleeting, which is wisdom we have that parents do not (and that we did not when we were parents).

Yes, I find it emotionally rattling and disturbing to think of a big strong 100% in power father, offering his tiny child a choice of being hit or missing a team sport where other people are depending on her play or there are other implications.

I know that some people defend corporal punishment in the USA, but in most countries that we find comparable to our own, it is illegal.

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5187

As one of 7 kids (all of us were 1.5 and mostly 2 years apart with one kid bring 3 years younger than the kid older than her) I can agree that it’s hard on the kids AND parents when kids are close in age and have a lot of expectations on them, especially the oldest kids.

You and your family are trying to find a path forward that works for you and I definitely feel for all of you. As a grandparent, you didn’t choose the family size nor spacing. The kids certainly didn’t either. It is not up to us outsiders to judge but providing different viewpoints CAN be constructive as things to consider and ponder.

When choosing a natural consequence I did try to make it commensurate with the action and pretty close on time to the offense so the connection was way to understand.

I’m sorry that there is some acting out and I hope things calm down for everyone’s peace of mind. Your family is so lucky to have you! I’m sure it is helpful to have another adult to help keep things on as even a keel as possible.

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