Thanks—listened to the article and liked the therapist’s response as well. It resonated with me.
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I read the article.
To me it sounded like the stepdaughter was throwing her mother’s husband under the bus every time he tried to discuss things with his step granddaughter.
That would be difficult to feel like you are walking on eggshells in your house when it sounds like the stepdaughter and her daughter visit frequently
The therapist advice was sound but works when there is coordination between all the parties
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The single mother is under stress, but the step-grandfather is the one who has been thrown under the bus because he brings up the elephant in the room. A lot of family dynamics that can be sorted out, and some better choices of coordination between the adults so that the 10 YO can better mature instead of the bad patterns being established because the mother, grandmother, and step-grandfather are not on the same page and the same way to handle the situations that come up. Probably when the mother and 10 YO daughter are together alone, the mother caters 100% to the daughter. It gets exposed when the grandmother and step-grandfather are around to see it.
Interesting article. I wonder how much of the eggshells are the grandfather’s own doing. If he thinks the kid is a “brat” then then I suspect there could be tone issues or she picks up his annoyance.
My view of grandparenting is that we have to adapt to the parents style, even if it isn’t how we’d do it. I view my role as a supporting player where I use the same language/approach rather than imposing my own approach-- even if I don’t completely agree with it.
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Lots of GS time this weekend. SiL is away and there have been lots of showings/open houses for their condo(hopefully they get an offer soon). Saturday, we went over to help clean and keep GS occupied. I won and got to take him to park while DW and DD cleaned 
Sunday they just hung out here. And today we got a call that they have 3 showings scheduled for today
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@conmama you have received some good advice here! All I’ll add is that while it might be a bit awkward in the moment, it’s better to respond to them with honesty AND love. That you look forward to seeing them be parents, having the grandparent role or whatever - but that you are really enjoying the freedom that only retirement brings - of your own time and space.
Also be aware that it’s possible your feelings might change when a little one comes on the scene. But also you might feel the same.
I’m sure there are opposite situations of this - where the grandparent assumes she/he will be the primary daytime caretaker but the child’s parents really don’t want that person being the primary caretaker for hours a day, days a week. While I wasn’t in the same town/state as our parents, I would not have wanted them to be our primary child care providers - I would have been very uncomfortable with their methods/standards and being honest, it would have felt like a lose of parental control for me.
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I make it very clear to DD1/SIL that they are the parents and I am a support role for them in coordination with what they want. Gkids know their parents are in charge, but when they are absent babysitter or Nana/Grandpa are in charge.
Grandpa is not around as much, but when GS2 acted out, Grandpa promptly put him in ‘time out’ in the half bath in front of all, and DD1/SIL did not object. He has a firm hand, and not bad for the GKids, esp GSs to see/experience. He also is ‘fun time grandpa’ with drawing pictures on his computer - and so older GKids follow what Grandpa instructs as much as what their parents instruct.
SIL respects his FIL and understands a bit with FIL’s personality and talents.
@conmama ~ You have received great advice. I know you will be a wonderful grandmother when the time arrives. 
I love every minute with my GS and GD. I’m so excited for summer vacation. Full day school has really limited my time with them. I’m looking forward to lots of fun this summer. They have big plans for our days together. 
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GS came over “by himself” yesterday. Unfortunately, he had food on him that is a major allergen for me and I got bright red and hives everywhere he snuggled me 
and I had to take Benadryl and let DH take over.
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Honestly I read it and wondered if the grandparent is the one with the issue. Is it really “gentle” parenting, or simply “non-authoritarian” parenting? Does he feel a need to say things like “no elbows on the table” when parents do not have that issue, for example? I think he’s setting himself and grandma up for trouble, honestly. I felt for the kid; not at all sure she’s a “brat” or that he just sees here that way.
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Reading what the counselor said, the grandfather is not the problem. The step-daughter has given the power to a 10 YO. This is disruptive to normal P - C relationship. Not too much time before hormones and teenager attitudes come in too.
Interesting because I didn’t read her response that way at all!
“You’re watching events unfold that seem deeply misaligned with your own values and experience, and that’s making you feel that the only way to set things right is to change how your stepdaughter raises her child.”
“Intergenerational differences in parenting approaches can create tension because many parents today are reacting to how they were raised, sometimes overcorrecting in the process**. If that’s the case with your stepdaughter**, you might look for the nuggets in her actions that you’re aligned on, instead of tossing her entire approach aside.”
She acknowledges that the behavior and parenting style isn’t what he thinks is right and then says it’s possible the parent may be over correcting for something she didn’t like in her past (which could have been the way HE raised HER), but then she goes on to tell him how to change HIS parenting style to illicit a better response from the grandchild/stepdaughter.
Edit - I think the response was very neutral and covered all bases
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I completely disagree. The ONLY supposedly bratty behavior he describes is her negative reaction to him. He gives no examples other than that. No one else seems to need to admonish her, and he describes no behavior that would warrant it.
The scenario I see him describing is, honestly, everyone walking on eggshells around HIM.
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I read the article again. One thing I know from my own kids ( and from having served as a substitute teacher when I was a SAHM) is that kids know when an adult doesn’t like them. I think Grandpa dislikes this girl, she knows it and she acts negatively towards him because of it.
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Posting an idea of a gift to parents of a toddler. We recently traveled with Little Miss Mess, and her mom brought this dish filled with bite sized foods: yogurt drops, Cheerios, blueberries, etc. The dish kept the toddler busy (and nourished 
) for quite a while, and the mess from eating was minimal.
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We celebrated the last day of school yesterday with GS and GD. We met them at the school bus, went home to see all the backpack treasures, and enjoyed a Kempswich and several games of UNO.
We are extremely grateful to their amazing teachers and school staff for all they do to ensure that GS and GD learn in an outstanding school environment.
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DD1/SIL found out today by email that their excellent school is closing. A shame because enrollment numbers could have been up substantially for fall 2026 when the TX state vouchers take place, and many of their families would qualify for most or all tuition covered.
The school went 4K - 12 and their HS had the highest SAT scores in the large city. The re-enrollment numbers were down 40 students for the school. The HS last year had 80 students total, but the girls won state soccer in their school size and the students there were flourishing. Their curriculum was strong for lower grades, teaching a grade ahead - and GD1 and GS1 were there for two years K4 and Kindergarten, and Kindergarten and 1st grade. The test scores for GS1 who completed K showed levels in 2nd grade, while GD1 finishing first was much higher, 3rd up to 5th grade levels.
A magnet classical education school is going to lease the space, and the families will hear more about that program very soon. If the current faculty are offered positions, it will be re-assuring for parents to enroll. Some homeschooling families may choose to enroll since it will be magnet/free tuition.
My daughter was crying on the phone - and I feel their pain because the school was so excellent.
All they can do is sort out their options and adapt.
DD1 is thinking they will keep the 4YO in daycare for their program but will see if the classical school will have 4K and who the faculty will be.
Heartbroken for them. It takes the winds out of my sails a bit about getting ready for a move there, and I may take more trips there - maybe leave my car there - and have another year so we can see the logistics and what area to purchase a home. I think my DH and I can share a vehicle when I am home, given the circumstances.
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Sorry about the stress caused by the school closing.
Woke up to a text from D1 this morning “GS had rough night last night, can you come get him for church, so we can rest.”
I picked him up and he was also exhausted. He napped in car to church, in car from church back to my house and is now 90 minutes into his real nap.
It was a crazy week for D1/SiL-- they aee selling condo so had showings early in week they accepted an offfer on Thursday. Yesterday they looked at 7 places (while we watched GS) and made an offer.
Bottom line is week was stressful and patterns broken up and it caught up with him last night.
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I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to spend anytime with my GD this weekend. She was here for her Aunt’s wedding (she was the flower girl); she and her parents stayed for a week after the wedding so they (parents) could go to their 20th college reunion. Turns out, I got hit with COVID!!! As did 5 other guests at the wedding.
I spent the weekend in the guest bedroom while H babysat GD. Two of my friends helped–one took her to her house where she because she was watching her grandson (he was the ring bearer) for a playdate. The groom’s mother (who lives in our town) took her to the Children’s Room at the local library.
When she was here she was very cute. GD would call up to me from the kitchen to tell me Grandpa was leaving food for me on the steps. We’ll go out to see them in June (they live in Indianapolis).
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