If you’re comfortable being back up for the inevitable odd closure days if the child is in daycare, you could always offer that. D really has appreciated it when I do that. I also watch GD one day a week. I felt comfortable offering that, and D checks with me every so often to make sure I still want to do it.
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I live with daughter and grandkids, but I made it clear long before I moved in with them that I would NOT be a babysitter. D & SIL had a FT nanny plus a babysitter they could call for weekends. I was happy to help out in a pinch, but daycare provider was NOT my job title.
The family moved cross country a year ago and all the kids now go to preschool. No more nanny. A couple of weeks ago D was hinting she & her husband wanted to go out to dinner and asked me to babysit the kids. I said flat out no. I’m sure she was disappointed, but they’ve lived in this new area for a year now and they really need to start finding list of babysitters they can use. (They now have 2.)
And I do pitch in during an emergency–like when D was hospitalized unexpectedly a couple of months ago. I took & picked up the kids from preschool, entertained them after preschool, made & fed them breakfast and dinner, packed lunches, did laundry, did grocery shopping…I even did baths and bedtime (which I NEVER do) so Dad could be at the hospital.
They were very grateful, but, boy, was I tuckered out after 4 days of wrangling 3 preschoolers.
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Were you working outside the house, or did you stay home? If stayed home, was that uncomfortable being around sitter and Nanny’s all the time?
Another vote for being ‘back up’!
Sadly, my grandkids are thousands of miles away, but I filled in for the nanny’s vacation and the daycare/preschool spring breaks.
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I would tell them that you would be happy as a backup, but not as a full time because there are things that you want/need to do in your life. It wouldn’t be fair to them or to you if you couldn’t be there.
D1 and her H are in France for a wedding now. I am working from their place remotely with a full time nanny here. The only time I am by myself with the kids is 6pm-7:30pm. I have no issue to be around a nanny all day. She is responsible for the kids - food, bath, clean up.I just make sure the kids are alive. The nanny is doing all the heavy lifting. I am too old to be carrying the kids around, giving them bath and cleaning up after them.
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Second backups. Also could help with daycare costs if want to.
My son and DIL KNOW I want grandkids, and they also KNOW I have no plans to be a full-time day care provider. I have made it clear to them that I will be happy to be there when they really need me/as backup kind of thing, and could certainly fill in for awhile if truly necessary (say daycare situation fell apart or COVID kind of thing), but I won’t be there full-time. I don’t even know how it came up - we were probably just talking generically at some point, maybe about retirement in general, and how some people do that and some don’t.
We have also talked about if we would move closer to them (we are only an hour or so away now). I told my son that IF they were in their planned “forever home” we might be inclined to do so, if they were living in a place we were interested in, but probably not until then. Full disclosure, we considered moving to fairly close to where they live now even before they moved there, so it’s not like we’re talking about cross country.
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@conmama first of all, it’s great that you are admitting your truth. I think so often it’s hard to think about what you want. And not what you think your children want.
We are a very child centered society right now I think. And as mothers, I feel that there is a societal need to be everything for your kids, even as they are adults and potential parents.
I think it’s great to get ahead of what you want to do and what you want to say.
And it’s ok to say what you want. Maybe you don’t even want to be the backup. Maybe you don’t want to watch a baby one day a week. That’s ok! If you are willing, then say that but honesty is probably your best option.
One thing I’ve noticed from my own experience and talking to others is that the expectant couple hasn’t thought out a good plan for what happens after the baby comes. They know they have to go back to work and they know that there needs to be a plan. But there’s not a plan and then the parents are scrambling for childcare. I hope, I don’t know how to solve that, that there can be a conversation about your expectations and what you want to do.
I hope that made sense. My son amd dil thought that they could both work and take care of a baby. They made no plans for daycare and when it was time to back to work, they hadn’t even looked at any daycares or nanny. Shockingly the plan to work and watch a baby wasn’t going to work. I was not in a position to help out at that point with some personal matters of my own. But I wasn’t happy that I felt some kind of obligation because they didn’t plan.
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Sort of funny story related to grandparent/childcare. I worked for a lady, and she was going to look for a job overseas, because she was done raising her kids, and wanted to travel more. Kids were both married, but she said she had no interest in being daycare person for them IF/when they had kids.
THEN, her daughter got pregnant, and my boss retired and took care of her kid. Then she had another kid, and she took care of that one through when he went to school.
Even now, she lives in another state, but comes in to help when her daughter needs her.
I was entirely retired at the time, though I was involved in several volunteer activities.
Initially it was bit awkward around the nanny since I didn’t want to step on her toes and she was confused about my role in the authority hierarchy. Once we settled the question of who was in charge (her), everything was fine. She treated me a resource she could tap into if needed. For example, she would ask me if I could drive the kids to certain activities (library story hour, toddler play day at a local church), but if I said no (because my time was committed elsewhere), she was Ok with that. Same with Bridget (the babysitter) who was more like a visiting younger cousin than a babysitter. (Her mom was D’s charge nurse and the family lived nearby. Bridget would bring donuts/tuna her dad caught/hand me down toys to the house when she came and we always fed her at family dinner before she left at the end of a babysitting gig.)
It was actually nice that I could plan my own activities and not worry if it interfered with the grandkids’ schedules.
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Wonderful that there were clear boundaries on things. Absolutely correct that they had time to get familiar and line up babysitting. You with the pitching in with the emergency situation was during a crisis, and you did admirable ‘work’ for those four days – that is when it crossed over to unpaid work during a crisis.
Their cross-country career move (and your resulting move) was also admirable.
Your family is lucky to have you.
I had to laugh when a younger neighbor with middle school kids encouraged me to be the full time child care for GD. She gushed about how awesome it was - for her mom - to do it. She is still running them all over (and probably can’t wait until the oldest twins start driving). I didn’t say anything, but I really wanted to tell her that I’m happy for her mom … but that sounds like mom-work and not grandma-work in my book. I have no interest in raising kids at this point. I just want to enjoy them.
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Quote of the day!!! 
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I have many friends that ‘long’ to be grandparents. Our older daughter (we had two daughters the years DH and I turned 38 and 40) along with her husband is a ‘super producer’ having 5 children now with the oldest being 7 and no twins in there. They wanted to have children ‘right away’ even though I encouraged DD1 to wait several years - I found 3 years was the time where better communication was helpful and was only just beginning for us – we have very busy years where we often didn’t have much time together outside of sleeping, and even then sometimes I had short nights of sleep with work and FT graduate studies.
Our younger DD has dated her BF for 6 years - they are a ‘committed couple’ as far as BF/GF. We are content that they are BF/GF. We like him but also see why they are taking things ‘slow’.
In August, I will find out if DD1/SIL want to work out carpooling to go to work together with one vehicle and have me come for 3 weeks in September (using the car with the 5 car seats). DD1 goes back to work FT and goes to the hospital 5 days/week; GD3 starts daycare that week. The second car has 3 car seats and the baby’s carrier works as a car seat w/o the base.
We will see when SIL gets his FT job after Army bridge time and his enlistment time ends. We won’t put our house on the market until he secures the FT work and their city becomes more permanent.
The plan is for us to sell our home and relocate to their city/state. We have lived in TX before and have some family and friends in TX. We have no family in the area/state we have lived in since 1983 (and we built a home in 1992).
I desire to be very involved with the children (as much as is needed and useful), especially with the time after school and through evening activities during the school week. This will determine the area where we purchase a home. We will be very involved with communication with DD1/SIL all along the way. We want to be the safety net they need, and we all agree we want the older children to be able to take music lessons and have the sports involvement that they are starting to have. DD1 has said multiple times that she wants her children to have the experiences she had growing up (which involved music and sports). DH is very good with children old enough in the workshop, and he is good with grandkids on a help out basis and short babysitting needs - not keen on babies/toddlers.
SIL’s parents plan to move about 6 hours away in city where their other son lives. They would be going into assisted living or maybe independent living - they have a place in mind there that they can afford. It seems DD1/SIL/family will be traveling to their current home/remote state one final time to help wrap up things there.
DH and I both turn 69 in a few months and have been married for 46 years. One thing, I will talk to them again about getting more term life insurance on DD1 with her husband as owner and beneficiary – cheap to get 30-year level premium, and hiring help w/o her (and needing the insurance) is ‘covering the bases’.
I want to be the daycare for my still-to-be grandchildren, but my daughter already thinks I’m too old, they aren’t even here yet, and I’m only getting older. It’s also possible D and SIL could move before they have children.
I suspect I’ll be the back up and that may be best. I like my daytime activities (bridge, Mahjongg, exercising at the Y - although the Y has a babysitting room a child could be checked into for an hour or two).
The dogs would like it if a child had an at home provider as they’d get more walks and daytime treats.
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Not necessarily true. D’s nanny didn’t want anything to do with the dog. No walks, no treats, no play time. Her dog had died a year or so before and it made her too sad to interact D’s dog. Also since D had a young, very active, 100 lb German Shepherd “puppy” who could be physically overwhelming and nanny’s only experience with dogs was with small dogs, she definitely wasn’t comfortable with D’s dog. She liked him in a theoretical way (as in, “I like dogs”), but not so much in real life.
Heck, I lived with him and I didn’t love him in real life either. He would run away from me, would never come when called and loved to played catch me-catch me in the middle of busy street every time he managed to sneak out of the house/yard. He’s been dead for 2 months now and I haven’t missed him at all.
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I guess I meant the current granddogs would love it if I were the nanny. I currently puppy sit them often and when they are with my brother (who lives across the street from me) they love it when I walk them during the day. Working parents are so inconvenient for them.
They are very well trained and could walk beside a stroller without issue. They would be very jealous of a baby because they are currently very very spoiled dogs. They think it is permissible to sit on your lap even though they are 70+ pound golden retrievers, not lap dogs. But cute.
On 30-year term insurance, SIL had the physical but hasn’t completed the paperwork. I have reminded DD1 that he needs to get it done ASAP because there may be a time limit with that physical. DH’s comment “SIL is a procrastinator”. He has had time off (paternity leave) - DD1 just has to say “get it done this weekend” and he needs to do it before ‘fun stuff’. DD1 says there is enough insurance on her - we we have a policy on her (that we had before she was married). Try to be a full safety net. We will pay the premiums on this additional insurance for SIl, so haven’t gotten any billing yet.
I babysat 2 GDs this week while the parents were in France. It wasn’t easy because I was also working, but we had a good time. When I left today, both kids started crying, even the baby (8 month old). She saw me putting my coat on and started to whimper. When I picked her up then she stopped. This is a baby that much prefers to sit or move on her own.
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IDK if any of you see this in extended family or with friends’ grandkids but thought I would post. I really liked the counselor’s response and found it a helpful analysis. I had this as a gift article so you should be able to open and read.
Grandparent Doesn’t Agree With ‘Gentle Parenting’ - The New York Times