I am much more lenient with my grandchildren than their parents. I am also less strict with them than with my own children. I feel my job is to love them and their parents jobs to raise them.
Yesterday I took GD1 by herself (no baby sister) to lunch and shopping around Park Slope. She picked a restaurant where there was a big screen playing cartoons. She watched it for 10 min and got tired of it. We bought a bag of skittles, a bag of organic lollipops, and a binoculars at a toy store. GD1’s day was complete.
9 Likes
I have heard other grandparents say that and I don’t get it. Asking for someone to stay with the kids for a few days isn’t asking someone to “raise their kids”. Different strokes, I guess.
8 Likes
I have also been known to say that I am not interested in raising grandkids. But that just means that I don’t want to be full time daycare. I split full time daycare duties with the other grandma for almost two years because of Covid-era daycare waitlists. That was fine, because it was temporary (and she was relatively easy at that point). I have watched her once a week (sometimes twice) for the past 2+ years, which has not felt at all as if I was raising her. I have watched GD and their dog for long weekends, and that has never felt like I was raising her. I feel sorry for the grandma who thinks spending limited time with her grandkids is anything other than precious bonding time.
5 Likes
I actually told DIL about this one day per week each Grandma thing a few days ago in a wistful way 
thinking about your situation.
3 Likes
@snowball I don’t have grandchildren but when I host people over - like our family Christmas or whatever, while everyone “helps” they also “help” make a big mess, lol . I admit to being a “like everything in its place person”. One thing that helps me is that I tell myself, “when these people all leave it will take me no more than 1 hour or so to get everything back just the way I like it. One hour. That helps me relax and enjoy the moment not the fact that there are 30 glasses scattered amongst the living areas of the house!!!
6 Likes
My plan was to clean once everyone left; DIL and GS left this morning, my S and GD are not leaving until tomorrow. BUT, as local GD and visiting GD were playing, there were ants on the floor near some of the toys. Toys got picked up, floor vacuumed and moped, sofa vacuumed and food put away in either the fridge, pantry or trash! I told son going forward, kids eat at the counter, and food put away after a meal; if they want to come back for a nibble, we can take the food out of the fridge. He said that is a fair request, but I need to let me DIL know; he was trying to say she is the one that lets them eat anywhere. I will remind everyone when they are back for Thanksgiving. I don’t mind if the kids have a snack while having their tv time on the sofa, but I would like the crumbs to be picked up after they are done. They are kids, so not going to sit with a napkin in their lap, but an adult can help clean up. I also snack on the sofa and have been known to drop crumbs, so not trying to be unreasonable.
Hoping the ants don’t returned as I leave town Tuesday and don’t want to come home to ants everywhere. I will keep and eye out until I leave, and hope I got up most of the mess.
5 Likes
Ummmm, why can’t your son let his wife know that you have an ant problem and so the kids should be eating at the table.
Why is that your responsibility?
I’m cranky apparently
I find putting ant dust around the perimeter of the house helps. Now I have a service that sprays but I did use any dust for years
4 Likes
My two grandkids and their parents were here for five days. It was heaven for about 98% of the time. (GS had a meltdown in a restaurant.) They really didn’t want to go home!! It was wonderful having them here.
And so is not having them here. 
8 Likes
@deb922 Son was just trying to throw DIL under the bus for allowing the kids to eat all over the house; he is as guilty or more so. That said, in the almost 10 years they have been married, and the 3 years they dated, I can count of 1 finger how many times I have seen her pick up or clean. Outside of their twice a month cleaning service, my son does all the cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.. The joke is, he doesn’t allow her to load the dishwasher as she just haphazardly tossed things in; he likes to groups like items together and in the same direction, like his father and I did. DIL learned early on not to bother, but even when here visiting, she doesn’t even put her dishes in the sink, they stay wherever she ate.
In the 8 years I have been in our town-home, I have only had ants once; those came in with some packages. Our exterior gets treated by the landscape company, and I have not had to have a regular exterminator like at our old home. I think by nature of being a town-home with less external walls, I have been spared.
1 Like
Perhaps a nice written note to them between now and Thanksgiving, talking a lot about how you enjoyed their visit and look forward to Thanksgiving. Include about needing to limit food in certain house areas due to problems with bugs and maintaining non-food areas which have difficult to clean sofa/cushions and flooring. That you appreciate (in advance) about getting the children to cooperate with these parameters.
Kids are not able to be ‘careful’ with food/drink, so clean up is much easier in kitchen eating areas.
Once when we celebrated oldest grandchild’s birthday with ice cream cake, I insisted we do that at the eat-in Dairy Queen not far from our home which was on their route to go home. I had cleaned up my kitchen/dining areas and did not want to do more work. I brought the essential items for serving the ice cream cake, and it was nice to take the short drive home and not have to do clean up again at home. No, I didn’t need anyone to go pick up the ice cream cake! I had to be firm with them. My home, my rules. That weekend they already didn’t communicate exactly what meals were going to be at my home (they were meeting up with friends etc.) and I had to go to the grocery store with a quick meal plan (just prior to the ice cream cake birthday).
Both DD and SIL - they will stretch your hospitality to the max if you allow it. When they lived 100 miles away from us, it was always easier for me/us to come visit at their house where it is child-proofed and they have everything they need for the kids. They came to my city when there were events or when they wanted to come to special things that our city has. Sometimes, rather than have an overnight, they came early and left late - the parents had an easy interstate drive home. The grandkids do well falling asleep in their car seats.
1 Like
I let D2 bring her dog to my place when she visits. The dog leaves a lot of hair around my apartment, but I enjoy him and he is special to D2. That puppy gets so excited when he sees me. I don’t mind having to vacuum all my chairs and carpets after he leaves.
IMO, I wouldn’t ask the DIL to clean up if your son is fine with it. They don’t visit often and it may make them visit less.
7 Likes
I am no expert in grandparenting.
For me, I don’t ask anything of my children’s spouses. Any requests go through my children.
Unless it’s a birthday card, there is never any written communication. I don’t call them, I do have a group chat if I need something because my male child is not good at answering but that is my last resort.
It’s very hard to remember for me that now my children are part of a group that doesn’t include me and I am not the person they look to for answers. That person has their own family and way they were raised that may be completely different than my kids.
@snowball I was aware what your son was doing.
Now on to me!
It was on August 10 that my son sent a text asking what was on the agenda for Christmas, they are plotting out vacation time
What he’s asking is when can our family come to his house. That’s only his house, that not on Christmas Week because my dil’s family has permanent dibs on all holidays. They aren’t willing to travel anywhere and it can’t be Christmas week. And can I coordinate things with his sister.
I did a whole thread last year on the complexities of holidays that won’t repeat.
Sigh!
10 Likes
I get along with the SIL very well. He likes to tease me. He does all the dishes in the house. When I used to have just one GD, I would usually put everything away after a meal, but it was too much trying to watch a 10 month old and a 4.5 yr old. The 10 month old can move very fast now. Someone always needs to keep any eye on her.
4 Likes
I say this in kindness; you can lower your standards. You don’t have to, but you can.
My mother had 3 children under 3 and did it all herself (my father did nothing except cut the grass). Then added ‘the holy terrors’ as my grandmother called my brothers, 3 and 4 years later. And then added a dog. (she didn’t work outside the home, obviously).
I think one does what they want to do. Let the kids eat in the living room? Up to the family. Have a toy shelf at Grandma’s? Allow children to help cook or be picky eaters? No right or wrong answer.
I never noticed what a neat eater my child was until my nephew ate at my house once, using D’s high chair (they are the same age). He had food all over the chair, himself, the floor. My sister’s comment was “You need a dog” as he just dropped food all over the floor and the dog cleaned it up. My D just sat at the counter, ate the food, I cleaned it up. Sometimes she had cereal or crackers in a baggie, ate what she wanted, and gave me back the bag. She didn’t really walk around with a sippy cup because they didn’t allow that at daycare. My kids, 10 months apart, had a little sunroom off the kitchen and they ate, did art projects, watched movies, played with their toys there. Tile floor so easy clean up
1 Like
DIL must have lots of good qualities your son appreciates.
Every couple/every individual has their strengths and weaknesses.
DIL absolutely ‘has it made’ like many men that do not lift a finger with any cleaning or specifics with cleaning, laundry, dishes. Hopefully she fulfills a lot of things/chores in other ways.
2 Likes
Wow – 10 months apart. I’m in awe. 
Grandchild #4 arrived today!
Planned c-section; mom and baby doing well.
This little boy looks like a clone of his 15 month old brother.
I get to meet him tomorrow! Can’t wait 
18 Likes
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
Congratulations @mominva ! 