When I was pregnant with my first we were so adamant we didn’t want help. After a few days we were clearly in over our head and my mom who was newly retired would come over early each morning to help.
When my daughter was pregnant she had a good friend who had a toddler. She took all her advice from her friend. I was told it’s different than back in my day. I learned to just keep my mouth shut. Same when the baby was born. How I held the baby, how I changed the diaper were all scrutinized. Things have lightened up as the kids have grown into toddlers. I think my both my daughters have eased into the just return them in one piece camp.
@greenbutton I have one child who as long as I can remember was firm that she wasn’t having children. She was not even willing to acknowledge she might change her mind even though her husband wanted kids. When she called to tell me I was speechless. I didn’t know if she was distraught or happy. She loves being a mom of one.
I’m also less comfortable around my DIL. I’m careful to not give my opinions on things. I know her mom doesn’t hesitate to tell them what she thinks. I think it’s more my hesitation as I think she feels I’m competent. Where it’s hard is she is very particular about clothes and toys, they have a very curated home so I hesitate when I want to buy something. I want to be equal to all the grandchildren and it makes it hard. They were very particular about what diapers and wipes they used. Their child has bad rashes and they used a bunch of different creams.
It is nice to be asked if there is a name the grandparents want to be called - DH wanted to be called Grandpa and I chose Nana.
Our SIL gets territorial - not about the kids but often insignificant things. Each time, I register his desires and move forward. Sometimes I ask a friendly question and using one word sets him off inappropriately (I used the word ‘service’ when asking which Christmas Mass his parents normally attend). Explaining his beef about the word was way out wrong, but you can bet I will not talk about a church ‘service’ again. He has been our SIL for 8 years. DD2’s BF of 6 years is reasonable/easy - and he has lived some with us when he had a job in our area – again, no difficulties.
We have no sons, but I do understand how many childcare details can be well known by the mother. Sometimes the mom has ideas other than how she was raised (or see childcare details with her friends or other family). Sometimes the dad has some specific ideas - or the couple together has some specific ideas. However, when their detailed ideas fail to work for them, they make adjustments.
Oh, I remember the story. That young woman probably has a tangled mess of feelings right now. I’ve often thought that it’s a good thing babies take nine months before they arrive, because some parents really need that time to work through conflicting feelings and emotions. Just let her know how happy you are for her and your S. As the time draws closer, make sure she knows that you are there for them in whatever way they want you to be. I am willing to bet that things will fall into place in time.
I have three boys, one DIL, one almost-DIL (wedding this summer), and then my youngest is a college freshman. The grandson is from the oldest pair. I think some aspects of the baby stuff were hard. DH and I were very much attachment including co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding. I think DIL’s parents, who are a decade older, are much less attachment-based, and for instance did not breastfeed at all. I still can’t be in the room for any forced letting of GS cry. GS did breastfeed, for about a year. I tried very hard not to say much on the subject, because I figured let DIL’s mom be the annoying one on this issue if she was going to be.
The older and more interesting GS becomes, he has his own preferences and childhood that are less about baby-parent styles and more about someone needs to keep him alive.
Also, he is so smart! He’s 1.5 now, and I was helping him drink from a little plastic cup. Then he dumped it out on the floor (“uh oh”) and I said, “ok, let’s wipe that up will you help me?” and he ran away and I thought, well, that’s what I get for giving a regular cup to a 1yo. But then he ran back in with a paper towel that he had been playing with in the other room, to help me clean it up! He had remembered and then gotten the paper towel of his own! What a little genius.
Our GS2 (age 4) and GD2 (age 2 1/2) both have very active minds - especially GD2. We talk about a lot of things - their quick minds and busy bodies are working OT - they both like to be ‘helpers’. If it is nap time, I will ask GD2 to show me to her room, and then she ‘helps’ Minnie Mouse and others take a nap. Often reason things out. GD2 has a happy hop/run that is so cute. GS2 often uses a soft voice that is a reminder that he is a young boy.
GD3 (age 9 months) is the child that has had the most breastfeeding since DD1 was able to work half-time from home extending her maternity leave and personal leave so GD3 didn’t go into child-care until age 6 months. The last month, daycare didn’t have a slot, so Nana took care of her exclusively during work hours. GD3 is the happiest baby - this morning she cried only because she was sleeping so well and we had to get her dressed for daycare. She loves a lot of activity around her. She still loves to be nursed to fall asleep when at home.
I remember my pediatrician being concerned that I wasn’t stopping breastfeeding. S stopped on his own when he had a cold sore at 9 months and went straight to a cup. D waited until she was 18 months and then went straight to a cup. It was easy for all of us to just let the kids decided when it was time to switch. My in laws and parents were totally supportive of whatever we wanted and decided. They just were happy to pitch in as we requested.
When I had my daughters my mom was very helpful, but never questioned what H and I wanted to do in raising them. I was born in the 60’s and even though my mom was at home she did not breastfeed my brothers or I.
I breastfed both of our daughters, but did not put any pressure on D1 to breastfeed when she was expecting GD. Breastfeeding has gone super well for D1 without any input from me unless she asks. Her SIL had a baby 2 months before GD this year and did not breastfeed him. D1’s only comment is how much work it seems to be doing bottles and pumping versus breastfeeding. D1 did not make that comment to her SIL only to me!
I did not breastfeed, nothing against it and no regrets. I did not find it a bother to make up bottles ( and H did a lot of that), and it was easier with working. D pumped but did not nurse with oldest GD. She planned to, but GD ended up in NICU and got used to the bottle. With Baby 2 ( GS) she nursed and pumped for a few months but gradually switched to formula. She has an appliance she calls the “ Keurig for baby” which mixes the formula and you just need to push a button! Super easy.
I would never judge D or anyone else for their choice. As long as baby is fed!
The breastfeeding discussion reminded me that when I had my first I breastfed. My Mom who had not breastfed any of her 7 kept telling me I was starving the baby.
D1 tried to breastfeed, but it’s nigh impossible to successfully nurse twins. Also the smaller twin was so little she exhausted herself nursing and failed to thrive. On recommendation of the pediatrician, she switch them over to bottles and both twins did much better. She did nursed her third and pumped for a while after she went back to work, but even with wearing an in-bra pump, the hospital is not good place to pump. Too many sick people.
For D2 nursing is simply not an option since she had double mastectomy. Her baby drinks formula straight out of the fridge without a complaint.
I have to share a “hit” in terms of gifting. GD just turned 5, and we got her a Crayola air brush set. It’s awesome, and even the adults love it. I highly recommend! Crayola Marker Airbrush Spray Art Kit
I didn’t breast feed my daughters. They were on formula from day 1. They were rarely sick and both of them are healthy today. D1 breast fed both kids until 3 months. Both of them have had their normal colds and viral infections. I still remember what my pediatrician said to me, “do what you are comfortable in doing. Happy mother, happy baby.”
With the in-bra pump and the cost of formula, along with the supply chain issue there was with baby formula for a while, I definitely would have breast fed if I had the choice now. I had an office job M - F. but with a lot of responsibilities. I turned 38 and 40 the years DDs were born. formula and bottles worked out fine.
GD3 (baby 5) is the smallest as a 9-month-old and in-between 6- and 9-month clothing. She is very healthy. All the kids are healthy.
DD1’s desire is to breast feed until 1 year, with table food introduction. GD3 is eating baby food. At one year, with eating enough table food, whole milk is fine. It is up to how DD1 feels at the baby’s one year mark if any additional breastfeeding. Often GD3 wants to breastfeed to go to sleep at home. The baby wants what she wants.
When I was nursing, my H or my mom would bring S at lunch (after my 3 month maternity leave ended), we’d all eat lunch together in my office with windows and doors closed and then S and the adult would go back home. S would absolutely refuse any bottles from anyone and only nurse. After H had to go back to work full time (6 weeks later), I quit work to stay home with S fulltime. S would wake every 90-120 minutes all night, so I was pretty exhausted anyway. He kept waking till he was about 3 years old! D on the other hand was easy and slept through the night at 6 weeks! She’s a mellower person. I was more relaxed and had a lot more milk!
I had a similar experience - my boys were OK with bottles but I could not get anything by pumping. DH or the sitter would bring each boy to me every couple of hours for the first 8 months or so with each. Sleep-wise we are also similar; DS1 woke up frequently to nurse until about 15mo old. The others didn’t. We coslept with all of them (and thank Gd we did or no one would have slept).
DH has come up with a very helpful-for-me mantra : “it’s not our baby, it’s their baby”. Maybe when we can actually tell anybody we will be grandparents, it will be easier!
D1’s MIL has been laid off after more than 43 years with the same company. She worked her way through college and stayed with the company after graduating. She knew that is was a possibility since the company has been downsizing, but it was still a shock to her. Fortunately they gave her 1 year of severance.
D1 and SIL are moving in 2 weeks to CT and will be living within 30 minutes of MIL. She has told them that she will be happy to look after GD when D1 figures out what she is going to do for work. I am so happy that she offered to look after our GD and I know that D1 and SIL are so relieved that she wants to help.
Nice on the severance. A cousin got downsized out, and she was going to retire Aug 2026. She got 20 weeks’ severance and a bonus which took her out 6 more weeks. She did fine with it, but always nice to be your choice on when to retire versus having this downsize happen. Her job was a very good paying job and she had been there a number of years (CS degree).
Trial and error are part of the game and totally acceptable.
if she was going to be.