69 YO grandpa ‘paid the price’ of so much bending and lifting activity with 3 older kids’ bicycling (ages 4, 6, and 7). 7 YO GD1 needed no help, just needed to practice time with the bike - since they don’t have a safe area near their home to bike ride. This was GS2’s first biking, and he needed a lot of help; GS1’s 2nd time biking. One other activity DH will do with the older grandkids is rocketry - he has ‘stocked up’ SIL with enough ‘stuff’ for that activity. Since SIL is off Thursday and Friday, the men can do some of both activities if the weather is good. DH says that the next biking will go easier and his back will be ‘recovered’. We leave Saturday, giving DD1/SIL the weekend to get back to their normal routine and all back to work/school on Monday.
DD1 is off Thursday, and she might only work a half day on Friday, depending on how things are at work.
GD2 has been battling a cold and had a slight fever last night, so she is home with the older 3. They are all ‘sleeping in’ - usually what that happens, they stir around 8/8:30/9/9:30 am. Sea World was a big afternoon/evening - and they didn’t go to bed until late. I got GS1 up at 7 am just to go to the bathroom. GD2 has a slight temp so I gave her a dose of liquid Tylenol.
My sister said the same thing about her son and DIL. She feels she needs to be a lot more careful about what she says or do with them than I do with D1. She said that sometimes she feels she never does anything right. D1’s instructions to me is usually - make sure they are alive when I come back. My niece (my sister’s daughter) is due this March. They live very close to my sister. They are all looking forward to it.
I think there is a different dynamic between D vs DIL.
I would send a “baby” gift card so she can buy something for herself with a Congrats card.
When I looked up pregnancy gifts, they’re very personal and you don’t want to start something like why is she sending me this, it’s not my taste. Neither of my daughters read any books or made a pregnancy journal. Everything is online and they use apps to track.
I did think of that, but she said to not buy anything until we are told it’s okay. (I asked about were there “off limits” things) I’m going to interpret that as anything at all and just sit on my hands for a couple months.
When JoAnn’s went out of business I bought a bunch of baby flannel (We know that our other couple want to get pregnant soon, so we were expecting news from them, not this pair). But it is none of the colors or things on her “mood board” and one of her friends is making her blankets, so I didn’t mention it.
When D1 and SIL told us she was expecting last March they just asked us to wait to buy anything for the baby until after the first trimester.
GD is 12 weeks old today. D1 and SIL are so appreciative of everything we get for GD. She is just fitting into size 2 diapers and Honest diapers are the ones that fit GD the best. I live close to a very good Marshall’s store and they get Honest diapers for a really good price so I check a few times a week to see what they have in stock.
If you feel moved to send something, how about a nice card with a note about how happy you are for them? Just something simple, focusing on their happiness. Given what you’ve said, I think that I would hold off on saying how excited you are to be a grandparent … keep it about them.
One present that I just heard of for two med students was one of those meal delivery services as they don’t have time to prepare all the healthy food that they prefer to eat.
I make baby blankets and have stacks and stacks of them. Anyone who has a baby gets a blanket or two. You could make them and just have them available when needed; it comes on quickly that they need them (for the car, for the stroller,for padding in the bathroom). I use the ‘self-binding baby blanket’ instructions from Missouri Star Quilt Co. but there are a lot on YouTube. Sometimes I donate them to Newborns In Need, an organization that gives a gift bag to every new mother at Denver Health.
Michael’s now has JoAnne’s line of flannel (but not as many choices and not as nice).
You get to do what you want (make things for the baby) and they get to ‘wait’ to get stuff.
Another thing my friend’s mother did when friend was pregnant was just buy diapers. All types, all sizes and grandma collected them, and as the time came closer and after the baby was born, she brought a pack or two every time she visited. Friend just stored them in her basement In your case, either child may need them or they can always be donated if they aren’t used (outgrow the size, not the preferred brand). Again, you get to be the grandmother-in-waiting without infringing.
You could send a card with a congratulations gift card for THEM to go to a nice restaurant to celebrate. Says ‘we’re happy for you’ without focusing on baby stuff. Or just send congratulations flowers at a random time in Jan. No obligation to do anything but enjoy them.
A word of caution about stockpiling diapers: wait until you know how the baby likes them. Our littlest one would develop strange rashes in Huggies and other diapers until her parents switched to Pampers. We thought it was just a coincidence that the rashes stopped, but nope. The new pack I had ordered here had to be donated. Of course a shelter or a food bank would happily take any unwanted diapers.
I think everyone does things a bit differently and my situation ( grands are from D and SIL, they live about 10 minutes from me) is different than yours.
I think it’s easy to be more critical of DIL’s ( it was for my MIL!) but try to keep in mind that your S and DIL are co parenting. It’s likely not just your DIL making decisions that are not necessarily the ones you would choose. It’s easy to assume otherwise.
Open communication is key. Do they want you to visit? When? How long? Stay with them or in a hotel/airbnb? Etc.
Some new parents are ok with turning over some baby care to family, others are not. You can be helpful in a way that is comfortable for them. That might mean less baby holding and more doing dishes, running laundry, etc.
Remember, you had to learn to parent a baby and they do too. As long as there is nothing overtly bad ( abuse/ neglect) it’s just a different style and will be ok.
The current difficulty is their/her stated desire to not have us/me asking lots of questions. We have always gotten along fine, so I am hoping that by the time baby arrives, those things will have sorted themselves out.
Right now they believe that it would “just make the most sense” to have one of their friends come over and help when the baby arrives. They are both confident they won’t want help, and plenty of us managed those first weeks on our own and got through. Not a hill I need to climb or die on.
I am aware, as a DIL, that it’s not fair to blame one person for a couple’s decision. The difficulty this week was that DIL was literally talking nonstop. Even my other DIL was in the kitchen saying “Is she okay? Is she on maternity speed or something?” Lol.
I have to wonder if your DIL is also overwhelmed and worried an all the emotional things right now. And literally, her emotions may be affected by hormonal changes. Two things you mentioned in your last post make me wonder if SHE needs time to process. Which is totally valid.
I am close with my family and was with my Mom and I strongly DID NOT want family Involved in my or baby’s care early on. I needed MY terms, along with my husband. A short visit? Sure. I was not interested in sharing the mental or physical load of caring for a newborn or caring for me!
My younger s says the same thing- “just keep them alive”.
I do sorta tip toe around the DILs. Love them both dearly but if you say anything they may take it as judgmental, so I try not to. I ask what they want or how they want something done.
My roommate was in hysterics when my sister dropped off her dog for me to watch with a full legal sized paper of rules and how to’s to take care of her dog for a weekend, what he liked and what not to do, and then a week later I came home with my nephew (different sibling) who was about 6 months old with a can of formula and some diapers. Roommate couldn’t believe sister was so concerned about a dog and brother just handed me a human with a can of formula and said ‘bring him back tomorrow.’
This nephew is now 41 so I passed the test of keeping him alive. Before the days of cell phones so I didn’t even have a way to contact them if I needed to. I did know how to call 911
Oh me too, I didnt want anyone but us; S2 however required more hands than we had so my mom helped out.
I think my DIL is really just marking her territory,and there’s nothing wrong with that, at all. I have 18 years or so,hopefully, to be a Nana (they asked what we want to be called, as if this child won’t come up with their own term)
@greenbutton if I had to guess, your dil is having a lot of emotions about her pregnancy. Seeing as her mother wasn’t the best role model
I also suspect that her actions have very little to none to do with you.
I hope if she’s having trouble with this pregnancy, that she will be able to find some counseling. A big life change will bring up a lot of repressed feelings, memories and emotions
I’m thinking this is the dil with the mother who gave her all the trouble with her wedding?
