D went to a baby shower recently for a friend whose MIL insisted on throwing her a huge shower at a banquet facility. The MIL invited all of her friends, and the mom to be was extremely uncomfortable. D commented that she feels lucky to have a MIL who would never do that.
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Niece had a high-end baby shower hosted by her DH’s family (MIL primary on it) and included planning by niece’s friends. This was towards the end of a successful pregnancy (baby girl expected). She married into a family that is close, and her DH is in business with his dad (CPAs). She soaked it all up, enjoyed it all - especially under their circumstances. Niece had a ‘rare’ miscarriage (first pregnancy) in the year before (at 10 weeks) - with multiple procedures, countless blood tests and months of waiting before they could think of moving forward. I had not heard of this before - “partial molar” - 0.05% of pregnancies can lead to a type of placental cancer.
Weddings and baby showers are a few of the things that can have the ‘proper dance’ with comfort level, control, etc. Intermingling of family and friends. Young adults have their ideas/desires.
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Talked to my son last night while DIL was at work. TLDR, she was sad and panicky that none of her friends offered, so decided they would throw their own. I asked if we could help, he said I should offer to be the official host and I said that’s fine as long as we cut the giant guest list down to something a pregnant woman can endure. He said she wants a lot of people, I said I get that but no. So we’ll see if there’s an opportunity to chat on this or not.
@greenbutton it sounds as if your DIL really wants a lot of people. Unless they are asking you to pay for it, I would go along with that.
FWIW - H’s family ( especially his younger sister and her daughters) love throwing big parties. All of the baby showers in that group have had dozens of people. The pregnant women were able to endure them just fine and actually enjoyed it.
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Well obviously I don’t really get a vote, but they want to have it at their house,which really can’t accomodate a crowd, nor parking. S mentioned they thought of renting a place but that’s too expensive, then she wanted a tent (for their tiny backyard). I just need her to slow her roll a bit and think about what is manageable instead of what she wants. There are bridezillas (she was not) and I guess there are Pregasaurus , too.
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D1 told D2 that she was hosting the baby shower for her. D2 told me and I asked her what she wanted me to cover. D1 knew ultimately I was the one to pay for it.
@greenbutton - I am asking a pointed question…your DIL is a grown person, I am just wondering why she wouldn’t understand spatially how many people could fit in her house? Or is it her idea of crowd is different than yours? E.G. we (the older crowd) may think we should have a chair for every guest, but the younger people may think it is ok to sit on stairs, floor or stand. I have seen D1 invite 50+ people to her apartment for holiday parties. In the last few years, she has moved the annual party to rental space to avoid the clean up.
Yes, I think it would be nice for you to host her baby shower.
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That’s a great question. We’ve known this DIL for 11 years, and her personality has undergone a pretty dramatic shift in the first trimester. To wit – concerns about space in their little 1940’s house : she knows , she does not care “well, people will just have to cope, I don’t want them downstairs, in the yard, or in the kitchen at all” Concerns about parking (their street is very busy, lots are tiny, and the street is very very narrow) “Why should I care what the neighbors think, that’s their problem”. Mention of holding it off site “I’m pregnant, I can’t be outside and have a decent party”. Me pointing out the date she chose is someone else’s birthday party “I can’t be responsible for how other people feel”
Of course of course they are adults who are perfectly capable of making decisions. But – she is still angry at her friends for “not stepping up” when she gave them maybe 6 weeks in the dead of winter before she decided they had not done so. One is due in a month with her 2nd. One will be taking MCATs in the spring. One lives (as do all our family) 300 miles away.
I don’t want to deliberately make her mad over any of this and will do whatever the TWO of them decide. I’m already handcrafting favors at her request. I can certainly become the paper host. But I have plenty on my own plate to deal with and faking enthusiasm for a bad idea when there are other options has never been my strong suit.
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I would give her some grace. Just smile and nod. Her entire life will be changing, lots of decisions to be made, hormones, stress, and likely feeling tired and possibly nauseous.
IMO both of these terms are very offensive.
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Oh! But she has a t shirt that says “pregasaurus” (which I did not get her) so I assumed this was a modern and acceptable term. I’m not sure that pregnancy gives anybody a free pass to be so angry at the whole world.
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I have never heard that term. I googled it and apparently it is a “thing”.
I would never use the term myself and consider “ bridezilla” to be very offensive.
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Agreed
I think name calling, even as a joke, is best avoided to prevent hard feelings. It’s tough to let go of hurt feelings, so why go there?
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But Bridezilla behavior is often very offensive, thus an offensive label. Many young ladies in recent years have gone up and up and up to getting to the ‘line’ of crossing into Bridezilla. I think many have never referred to etiquette (I have the very large Etiquette book by Peggy Post) nor have they been raised to think about etiquette. Of course some disregard anything by an older generation and think what they want is 100% acceptable, until they get backlash by friends or family.
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A lot of people are offensive these day. No problem singling out a person for bad behavior , but this label seems to be thrown around a lot even when completely unjustified. I really resented mentioning D’s wedding at my office and people who had never even met her (and she is very laid back) immediately saying “bridezilla” (that really happened).
The other young women I know who have recently married have been similarly gracious. I disagree that “many” young women are this way,it’s like every thing else - most are fine, a handful aren’t. I don’t condone rude behavior but I don’t like stereotyped , misogynistic labels applied.
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You’ve offered to help. Even if that just means being the “host” on paper. I think you have to decide what lift you are willing to do for this shower (buy the dessert? Buy all the food? Plan some games or decor? Simply write a small check and put your name to RSVP?) - and then you have to back away and let your s and DIL figure the rest out.
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It is true that there entitled & over the top offensive people everywhere. Labels can be hurtful, especially when the people involved have done nothing to deserve any labels.
For my loved ones, I prefer not to attach labels. I offered to help with niece’s shower/sprinkle & I collaborated with her sister & my brother and SisIL. We bought favors & desserts that were vetted by them and they handled venue, catered food games, prizes and everything else.
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I said ‘many’ not ‘most’. Maybe I could have said ‘some’.
People at your office who have never even met your daughter - that says something (negative) about those individuals. Another person you know where it seems the Bridzilla term was inappropriately used.
A number of young people do focus on ‘the event’ part of a wedding and perhaps may skip some of the marital preparation part that would make a successful marriage.
Since this is the grandparent thread, and my oldest grandchild is only 7, let us have posts about this on the appropriate CC thread.
I agree with you that a lot of people are offensive these days - maybe could say ‘some’. Sometimes there is sensitivity to behaviors that get labeled ‘offensive’.
GD went to a birthday party yesterday and didn’t want to play. By the time dinner rolled around, she had a fever. This morning, she still has a fever & her throat is really sore. It breaks my heart when she’s sick - my heart belongs to that kid.
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My daughter and her husband hosted their own baby shower at their house with help from all the grandparents to-be and great grandma did the flowers.
I seem to have escaped the flu that hit my son’s family while I was staying with them. DIL and the three kids are feeling better but are still coughing a lot. My son so far has not gotten it. My theory is that maybe he and I had had a similar influenza A at some point that is giving us immunity. I have had 30+ years of flu shots but my son does not.
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This weekend was Gd1’s birthday. I haven’t seen them in 2 weeks. Gd2 immediately came to me. she sat on my laps a lot (probably to look at my iphone) to play and read. Gd2 took all of her sister’s dress up clothes and pocket books that she got for her birthday and put them on herself. Someone said, “You got too many handbags.” D2 and I both said at the same time, “A girl could never have too many handbags.”
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