The In-laws and their Christmas presents -- again . . .

Parent Cafe
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<p>I asked in a previous thread how to thank my in-laws for their donation of two goats and a pig in our names (and the names of their other five children) this Christmas. I got some wonderful advice, and wrote them a very nice and classy thank you note, using some of your ideas.</p>

<p>So, they also sent an envelope containing cards for each of my five kids, ages 25, 21, 18, 14 and 9. We took a trip and didn’t get around to opening them until today. I had peeked in one and knew there was a check for $25 in there. So I told the kids the grandparents had sent checks. So, anyway, the two older boys were leaving today, so I thought I’d better give the kids the checks. So, I opened them and started handing them the checks, but there were checks in all but one envelope, the one for the oldest boy. I thought I had missed something and kept rechecking the envelope, but nope, no check for the oldest grandkid. </p>

<p>Is there a tactful way to ask why they would do this? Maybe they think he is too old to get what the other kids get anymore? I would have preferred they put a couple of bucks in each card, if money is the issue, rather than leaving one out.</p>

<p>Oldest kid is still in school. Pretty much in the same situation as the 21 year old. Both of them likely to graduate this spring. </p>

<p>Just putting that out there for your input. I don’t know what to make of it.</p>

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<p>It, of course, depends on the relationship with the parents, but I’d just pick up the phone and call and tell them there was no check in the envelope for older son. That’s only because my parents would never leave one of them out and would be very disappointed if I didn’t let them know about the oversight.</p>

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<p>

Yeah, have your spouse call his mother and say, “Hey, mom, Ralphie didn’t get a check. Was this on purpose?”</p>

<p>(I’m assuming you are female, because no man would ever ask your question.)</p>

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<p>Is this the first year that something like this happened? In our family, we discussed a ‘cut off’ age for Christmas gifts a few years back, and the cutoff was 21. Actually, we came up with a few other rules too, for example we started a round robin gift-giving thing instead of a free for all, because the sheer numbers got out of hand (dozens of nieces and nephews, many whom some of us have never met, plus another half dozen/dozen nieces and nephews from other marriages). It just got to be too much. Maybe it would be easier to talk to your siblings- perhaps they know something you don’t. Whenever stuff like this comes up in my family, the kids (I mean us adult kids) will start calling each other with the “what’s up?” business.</p>

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<p>I like Doubleplay’s idea. Call up a sibling and see whether they have any other information, particularly if there’s a sibling with an older child. If there aren’t any sisters or brothers, go with WashDad’s plan and have your husband call his parents, assuming they have a working relationship.</p>

<p>Doubleplay, my mother’s side of the family gets together every Christmas Eve. Some of the older members of the family got overwhelmed with buying gifts and the consumerism of Christmas, I think, so we’ve stopped giving gifts completely. Now every person brings $25 or whatever they can afford, and the money is pooled. One of our names is picked out of a hat, and that person gets to choose a charity that all the money goes to. I love picking out and buying gifts for people, so I miss that, but it really is great that our family can give a sizable Christmas donation to a worthy cause. We don’t have nearly as many people at our gathering as you do, but last year we completely paid for a cleft palate surgery. Pretty cool.</p>

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<p>I know now how to thank them for the other gifts </p>

<p>“The goat was very much appreciated, but if we get to choose animals, we’d like “bucks” next year. Thanks.”</p>

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<p>He’s the oldest one. I am guessing they decided to cut it off at a certain age, because they have cut off sending birthday presents at age 18, but personally I think it would be better to give all of them some small token gift at Christmas time – or give all of them just cards – rather than do something like this – identical envelopes, only with gifts for some but not others (or one other in this case). Esp. when the one that was excluded is not doing great financially, just scraping by. Birthdays are different, fall on different days, so it doesn’t have that same feeling of excluding someone.</p>

<p>He’s the oldest grandkid, so the only one that didn’t get a Christmas gift this year from them (of 17 grandkids). I’m planning to discuss it with my sister-in -law, though, to pick her brain, vent a little.</p>

<p>My husband would rather not deal with it. Over the years I have watched him agonize over just the right gift for his parents – one time he had a friend compose an arrangement of his dad’s favorite hymn which he had framed and gave it to him. His dad is a pastor. In return, his parents have sent him things like a glue gun for Christmas. A couple of years ago they sent an electric toothbrush (with four brushes) for our entire family of seven to share (and two of the kids were in college, so obviously, they wouldn’t be able to use it anyway). The goats and pig donation is a big improvement over that kind of gift.</p>

<p>Cartera – LOL. Too funny!</p>

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<p>mstee - I really think you may have to just make the best of it and turn it into the Farrelly Brothers movie that it is. This could be the source of much humor will be great stories for the grandkids.</p>

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<p>mstee,
I would check with them. It might have been an oversight, like they addressed the envelope first and thought they had written the check first so moved on to the next grandchild.
My grandmother always went to the bank for crisp new bills for Christmas giftgiving envelopes. One year my H opened his (empty) gift card, said his thank yous, and didn’t let me know his card was empty till a couple of hours passed.
It turned out Grandma had found herself with an extra crisp bill and all envelopes sealed. She wasn’t sure if she had miscounted the bills or if she left someone short. She was mortified that it was my H since he was the newest member of the family.</p>

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<p>mominva – yes, I want to do that. Just trying to figure out the best way to ask that question. But–perhaps this is jumping the gun–but, I think there is a good chance that it was intentional, in which case, how to respond? If that is the case, should I tell them how I feel (think it is wrong to give gifts to all but one), or just keep my mouth shut?</p>

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<p>

This is why I try not to manage other peoples’ feelings anymore. OK, Mstee, you’re husband won’t do it, you should. This is the silly sort of thing that can fester and cause ill feelings for generations, and it’s most likely either 1) a mistake, 2) a fairly mature decision that modest cash gifts for an adult grandchild just won’t make much difference. Either way, it would be over in five minutes.</p>

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<p>Well, fair is a difficult question. But would it really be fair to reduce what the 9 year old is give for his 10th Christmas present so that the 25 year old can be given a 26th Christmas present? Sure, the 25 year old is still a poor student just like the 21 year old, but the 21 year old will get a chance to be a poor 25 year old student not getting a Christmas present in a few years.</p>

<p>Now, it makes sense that this would be upsetting if they haven’t told you. But the idea of cutting off the Christmas presents at a certain age doesn’t seem unfair.</p>

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<p>I am not known for my ability to keep my feelings to my self (I am a lousy poker player).
I would tell the in-laws my feelings, that I felt hurt for S. Then I would go on to mention that if gift giving is becoming a hardship ALL my kids would appreciate small denomination Baskin-Robbins or Starbucks giftcards.
I have had this same conversation with MY aunt who has >20 grand nieces and nephews and gets overwhelmed at Christmastime.</p>

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<p>I would drop it. I’m not rich but for $25 it’s not worth the hassle. I doubt if they made a mistake. Older people don’t do that…they check and recheck and recheck EVERYTHING. I’d assume they feel oldest is too old. So he’s out $25…it’s not a large amount. I’m sure he’ll understand it’s not that they love him any less–he’ll probably find it rather amusing/funny as I think my 25 y.o. son would. Wait till his next birthday or next Christmas…if it happens again you’ll know for sure. We’ve had the same family discussion (with my cheap b and sil).</p>

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<p>I am hardpressed to keep my kids names and birthdays straight and I just have two- I don’t know what I would do with 17.</p>

<p>I think it is always best to assume * best intentions*
If he is a pastor- probably not alot of money and $25 x17 would add up.
But I agree it is best to not leave someone out- especially without some sort of heads up.</p>

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<p>

IMO - no. You don’t ask someone “why didn’t I (or my kid) get a gift from you?” I’d just leave it as is and have the oldest thank them for the card. Even though still in school, 25 is a bit old to still be getting a gift check from grandparents.</p>

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<p>Put differently, how much should a 25 year old spend on his grandparents?</p>

<p>I think the problem is you have a cohort of kids, and despite my caustic sentence above, I think as a grandparent someday, I’d be inclined to gift all in a generation either identically or by a formula, for example, $3 x their age.</p>

<p>I’d keep including the 25 year old in that generation until some big life change, such as marriage, affected him, rather than some arbitrary age change.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t dream of asking my parent or inlaws why they did or didn’t give a gift. I might make an observation, or mention it, but I wouldn’t pin them down. I might say,
if I felt it, “I was surprised about how you distributed the gifts this year. That was different…” and see what they say next.</p>

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<p>OCD Post: That would be “your” not “you’re.” Of course.</p>

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<p>mstee, it is a bit odd, I agree. It could have been a mistake or oversight. Then again, you say that they stop giving birthday gifts at age 18, and so maybe they have a cut off for Christmas gifts too but haven’t made it known. I would go by the assumption that it is an oversight (a legitimate assumption to present) and mention that the kids were opening the cards and were delighted to receive the money and you wanted to inform them that Son #1’s card was missing the check and you thought they might want to know, as you assume it was a mistake. They can either confirm it was an oversight or else they’ll inform you it was intentional. You could be polite and say, obviously do as you wish, but is there a reason so that your son may know it? HOPEFULLY, the reason is some arbitrary cut off age (at least that is concrete) and if that is a reason they give, then you’ll know what the cut off age is and simply say it is good to be informed so it is understood by all the grandchildren. Did they give your son a check last year, I assume? I don’t know that you need to get into how you feel, but if you approach it this way, it can be inferred that your son was left out and without knowing the reason, could have imagined many reasons and if it is just an age cut off, it is better to have been told that. I do agree with you, however, that it just is not nice to give to some grandkids and not others. But perhaps they feel the gifts are for kids and not adults, dunno. Some people are quirky in this regard. Basically, when it comes to gift giving, they can do what they want. If there is an age cut off and they wish to inform you, they do. I wouldn’t question or tell them what to do (even though I would not choose what they are choosing to do).</p>

<p>This reminds me recently of something my in-laws said. Let me preface this by saying my in-laws are extremely generous to my children and we are very appreciative of that. They give even when it is not an occasion. My kids have benefited greatly (likewise from my own parents). So, in no way am I complaining about what they give or don’t give as they give the children lots and my kids are lucky in this way for the opportunities. Anyway, we don’t celebrate XMas. We have Hanukah which is nothing like XMas. There is not a lot of gift giving at all. We only give gifts to children. We give to our own kids and to nieces/nephews. I don’t get anything from anyone. The grandparents on both sides also give to the grandkids. The gift giving is entirely for children/offspring.</p>

<p>Back in November, we stopped at my in-laws enroute to seeing our D in a show in NYC. They also traveled to the show (as did my other D from her college). My mother-in-law announced to us, “We’re not giving the kids Hanukah gifts this year. They are adults now. And you (meaning hubby and I) don’t give us anything for Hanukah but our other children do (hubby’s brother and sister).” Well, first, about being adults, it is funny how all of a sudden that came up. Older D is now 21, but younger one is 19, but older D got Hanukah gifts every year until now. I don’t really buy the “adult” reason as they give them lots and lots, same with birthdays. As far as giving them gifts, we never ever have given them Hanukah gifts (though give them birthday gifts, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day gifts, etc.) and have never given anyone (including my parents) Hanukah gifts before. We have always only given to children. This is nothing new and is the tradition I have known of my entire life and I also have been married to their son for 30 years and never given them a Hanukah gift. No different than what is done for my parents. My kids don’t give me gifts for Hanukah either. Their other two adult children are in a different situation. One is not married and has no children. The other is divorced and unfortunately is cut off from contact with his children. So, they have no children to give to and so I guess they give to their parents on this children’s gift giving holiday. I give to my kids and all the nieces and nephews. Now, I thought this was all kind of odd and I was wondering what to say to the kids as they have always gotten Hanukah gifts/money from all grandparents and aunts/uncles. My feeling was that their grandparents have been very generous as of late and so while it would be understandable to not get very much for this holiday, it seemed like making some “point” and would have been better to just give something very minor than nothing at all as I know the kids would truly notice, but that is the in-laws decision. So…several weeks later when the kids were home, my older D tells me that when they saw the grandparents at the show in NYC (that very same day I am referring to that they told us this), the grandparents gave each of them a bunch of money (but didn’t call it “Hanukah”). Younger one never mentioned it to me. Older one says grandparents told her to not tell Mom and Dad. Huh? So, they gave them the Hanukah loot, didn’t call it Hanukah, went out of their way to tell us they weren’t giving them any, and then told at least one of the kids to keep quiet about it! So, what I gather is on top of their quirkiness about gift giving over the years, they were making some point about our not giving them Hanukah gifts (though we never ever have before and only give to children)? I share this because you know, your in-laws may have their quirks too. :smiley:
Here is a funny version similar to your story in that last year our girls were here for just one night of Hanukah. It is a pretty minor holiday and we give them a big gift but it is decided in advance with them usually and so there is nothing to open. Usually something they need or want is plugged into being their Hanukah gift that year. But they do get the Hanukah ‘gelt’ from grandparents and aunts/uncles and so that one night, we lit the candles and handed them all the cards that had come in the mail and they both opened them simultaneously. So, when both were opening the cards from one of my brothers, one had a check fall out and one didn’t. We all broke into hysterical laughter making jokes about how they must not like the one D! We all just knew it was a mistake. I did email my brother and told him and he was so sorry. He said he was filling out all the checks and cards for all nieces and nephews on both sides and must have missed the one for one of my kids and of course it was a mistake. So, even though I can’t tell for sure with your in-laws, it is a valid assumption of a mistake and approach it with them like you are assuming it really is one. :)</p>

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<p>Let’s say it wasn’t a mistake. If the grandparents intended to express an age limit on their gift checks, which is absolutely their right to do, I do think it would have been kinder to include a lovely note to a 25 year old that wished him a fine year, and noted to him directly that their thought is he’s mature now, and like other adults in the family, he’s in a new category in their minds.</p>