<p>My older son goes through cycles of gregariousness and sullenness. He really pulled away in senior year of HS and first year of college. He is a sunny, pleasant 20 yo now. I have learned to text, text,text like the other pros here. Also he likes the structure of that weekly Sunday evening phone call. My 17 yo son his repeating the pattern. I think his style is the one of putting it all out there with friends and recharging at home. I worried a lot about having a deep lasting relationship with my older son, but I feel much better about it all now.</p>
<p>My son is a master of the grunt and point combination. I get relatively good info by email, text or when I am cooking something that he really wants.</p>
<p>I’ve gone through three sons with the "no talk " phase in high school.</p>
<p>I’ve always been a big devotee of writing my sons an occasional letter, leaving it under their pillow so they can find it and read it in private. </p>
<p>In a letter, I would acknowledge your son’s need for respite…but also let him know your needs, and how his lack of communication makes YOU feel. He is old enough to be respected for his own needs, and to be given space—and he is also old enough to appreciate his effect on others and their needs as well. </p>
<p>But he is not a mind reader, and you can’t expect him to understand how his irritability and lack of communication impacts you because he is just reaching the phase of maturity when he can have that appreciation. So spell it out for him. I am guessing that he never considered that he might be causing you pain, especially as teenagers tend to wallow in their own angst.</p>
<p>Don’t expect that he will do a full 180–but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some improvement.</p>
<p>I’ve gone through three sons with the "no talk " phase in high school.</p>
<p>I’ve always been a big devotee of writing my sons an occasional letter, leaving it under their pillow so they can find it and read it in private. </p>
<p>In a letter, I would acknowledge your son’s need for respite…but also let him know your needs, and how his lack of communication makes YOU feel. He is old enough to be respected for his own needs, and to be given space—and he is also old enough to appreciate his effect on others and their needs as well. </p>
<p>But he is not a mind reader, and you can’t expect him to understand how his irritability and lack of communication impacts you because he is just reaching the phase of maturity when he can have that appreciation. So spell it out for him. I am guessing that he never considered that he might be causing you pain, especially as teenagers tend to wallow in their own angst.</p>
<p>Don’t expect that he will do a full 180–but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some improvement.</p>
<p>I’ve started talking to myself (to uphold S/D’s part of the conversation). I’ll say “how was school” and get a grunt. Then I’ll ask myself, “how was work, mom?” and I’ll answer. Or sometimes I’ll say “thanks mom – you’re the best.” I know that’s what they’d say if they weren’t going through this phase.</p>
<p>S2 is also a master of grunt and point. He started it as a toddler and, although he’s gotten more verbal as he’s gotten older, he still uses as few words to communicate whether orally or written.</p>
<p>He was annoyed on Mother’s Day when I was on the phone with S1 while he tried to call and couldn’t get through. I explained to him that his brother has more to say so phone conversations last longer. No judgment, just statement of fact.</p>
<p>I love the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. It helped me to understand how differently an introvert experiences the chatting that I so enjoy.</p>
<p>When I had concerns (thoughts about college admissions, classes, goals, etc) I decided as long as they weren’t immediate concerns (the car is out of gas) I’d choose one day of the week to bring up my concerns. I chose Wednesday (for example) When concerns crossed my mind, I’d think, “is it Wednesday?” nope. It had to wait. He had no idea I decided to do this. When Wednesday arrived, quite often I really didn’t have much that needed discussing. This new pattern stopped my daily questions. I thought I was (previously) making conversation, but he found it stressful. I also decided to stop and think why I was asking certain questions about his friends ~ was it just curiosity? Did I just want to learn the gossip? I cut back on that.</p>
<p>I gave my mom basically the same BS when I was 14-15. I had to grow up a bit before I could appreciate her attempts to reach out to me as relationship-building instead of her trying to impose herself on me.</p>
<p>I’m also very introverted, intuitive, private, and independent, a textbook INTP.</p>
<p>Oh yeah! As a mom I’m not talkative but I can communicate. One son in particular was so reticent to disclose anything at all… I finally made up a questionnaire for him with questions like, “Next year at school I’d prefer to take a) b) c).” “I’d rather share a room with (brother A. brother B.)” And so forth.</p>
<p>The other siblings varied from sharing almost everything to sharing not much but there were no worries about the not-sharer. But this kid…I knew there were things going on but had to drag it out of him in a humorous way. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>It’s a classic case of solipsism in disguise. Infants are literally 100% solipsists because they simply haven’t developed the mental capacity to see things from other perspectives. If you do the following thought experiment with someone who can barely talk:</p>
<p>“Alice and Bob are at a table with a blue box and a red box. Alice puts the cookie in the blue box and leaves the room. Bob takes it out of the blue box and puts it in the red box. If Alice comes back, which box will she open to get the cookie?”</p>
<p>You’re guaranteed to hear that Alice would look in the red box. That’s because a baby doesn’t understand that different people have different perspectives, which can be wrong perspectives.</p>
<p>Add personalities and complex relationships into the mix and you’ve got teenage solipsism. Just like it takes a baby a few years to understand from observation that different people have different knowledges, it almost always takes people until their late teens or even twenties to understand that different people have different personalities, ideals, and needs from a relationship. They may know it as a fact that people are different from each other, but it takes a while finally to feel “wow, my mom was a person with her own personality and desires all along” and “I’m a part of her world just as she’s a part of mine.”</p>
<p>[This</a> video](<a href=“The Six Ways You'll See Your Dad - YouTube”>The Six Ways You'll See Your Dad - YouTube) illustrates it very well for sons and fathers.</p>
<p>I love the Wednesday idea (post #28).</p>
<p>Just discovered Myers-Briggs, have we?</p>
<p>Well I’d be the best example of the teen in this haha and well it’s mainly because my parents immigrated here and don’t understand anything that happens in my school, nor my interests/hobbies/shows I watch. I got tired of trying to teach them so now its like we’re college roommates. Kinda sad but it works for all of us…</p>
<p>yeah … and 95% of my texts to him go unanswered<br>
“yeah, I got them” or I get a one word answer, of the “yup” “nope” or “whatev” variety.</p>
<p>I try to send fewer and fewer and only if I really need a piece of information</p>
<p>frustrating, I hope life works out for him</p>
<p>I am also an intuitive introvert (INFP if anyone’s familiar with MBTI personality types). I also went through some arguments with my parents about which university to go to last year as a senior in high school. Basically, my parents are practically opposites of my personality and don’t seem to understand that my wants in life are different than theirs. This isn’t a “teen angst” thing, it’s just that we simply view the world differently. It’s really frustrating and I sincerely wish that I wanted the same things they wanted for my future, but I want to be happy with what I do - the things they want me to do would make me miserable (engineering? UGH no).</p>
<p>If your son/daughter is introverted/intuitive, in this day and age that’s a rarity. Introverts make up a quarter of the US population and intuitive types make up less than 20%. Having both these qualities puts us at being under 15% of the total US population. We can feel extremely alienated from society because we don’t typically place value on making tons of money, doing the so-called “practical” thing, etc. but what interests us and motivates us to learn, drives our passions. Please respect that as parents. Even though we value different things in life, we WILL figure things out. It’s better to do it sooner rather than wait until we’re 30+ to FINALLY do what we wanted to pursue in the first place. We just need trust, understanding, and respect. :)</p>
<p>P.S. It’s true, introverts like communicating through writing/emails, etc. a lot better! haha.</p>
<p>I don’t know if my son in intuitive but he sure is introverted. He is more open with his mom. But I get a lot of Yes and No. It is rare for him to say a full sentence. He is in 9th grade now. He is very uncomfortable in social situations when he doesn’t know anyone there. He has a couple of close friends with whom he is very open and talkative. I shudder to see him very nervous when he has to meet someone for the first time. He becomes stiff, doesn’t make consistent eye contact, etc. He is doing fantastic grade wise in boarding school. I am worried about introverted-ness. I was like he was at his age buit not to the extent. I grew out of it when I was in late 20s-early 30s.</p>
<p>My introvert became an extrovert the minute he landed on his college campus…outgoing suddenly 50 hours a week…still needs a couple hours solo time to recharge when he can get it, and at least some time solo daily…he uses his favorite obsessions (geography and classical musicology) to relax by…hobbies that he takes to the limit that are not part of his daily conversation…I think it is hard to raise introverted bright kids in first 8 years of school as there is such ambivalence in many schools (our schools) regarding differences till later on in high school. Not that I think giftedness doesn’t correlate to a big range of personality types but this article was interesting to me when my eldest was a child. He was a cypher to most of his early teachers who could read other students with more extroverted personalities well. They were unaware of his interests. To my utter shock, he was selected to meet and greet dignitaries and special guests at his college after grueling interviews that included peer parties and administrative panel interviews. He was rated highly in interpersonal skills.<br>
realize that environment, personal development arcs and personality and learning/achievement needs do not always align…
Set a standard for manners in the household and for communication levels that make sense. During the more intense high school years we made pacts on rest days that I would not bring up anything regarding work or duties at all so my sons had complete down time. So many adults directing them 24/7 anyway by high school—too many adults who directed their every waking hour. segue into being the sounding board as the years march forward and their lives become more and more complex…I was relieved when I was in many ways replaced as sounding board by peers and young adults with good work habits and values they met up with in college.
Center for Gifted Education
College of William and Mary
Introversion: The Often Forgotten Factor Impacting the Gifted
By Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig
College of William and Mary
<a href=“http://education.wm.edu/centers/cfge/_documents/resources/articles/introversion.pdf[/url]”>http://education.wm.edu/centers/cfge/_documents/resources/articles/introversion.pdf</a>
Oh yeah, we also set up a routine of once a week phone calls and stuck with it. I think you need to set a standard that is polite re speaking with parents during the college years if you are not going to be one of those daily jolly texting college kids who seem to blithely interact with parents via texts.<br>
Introvert was actually very polite and chatty as long as it was once a week. We skype now but only once or twice a month, but he looks forward to our visits and has become warmer and quite filial at age 26. This was the child whose face I could not always read so good luck teachers! And I do not think that my GF’s whose sons and daughter text and call often are clingy Moms…not at all…some families seem to be AOK with daily contact in the college years, and I am mildly jealous but know frequent daily updates from sons will never happen here, at least until we have grandchildren. Our sons seemed to do better with weekly contact which seems to be a throw back to the 70s college routines of my pre digital era.
Do set up a standard at home in HS and in college re expecting polite updates and calendar sharing. Even 20 year olds want to respect their elders and have some routine even if you reduce your expectations. There is no one way to do this. good luck to all parents whose children can sometimes be mysterious.</p>
<p>I would say I’m slightly introverted (ISTP), but not when it comes to science and technology I can talk about that for hours!</p>
<p>Often I’ll have 2-3 hour conversations with my parents about science and technology such as drones, piezoelecticity, robotics, desalination by magnetism, accelerometers, statistical probility of guessing, or just any cool STEM topics that come up in our everyday lives! I guess my family rocks like that!</p>
<p>Hey this is for the original poster; I would just like to give some personal feedback to how I, someone who is often referred to as a introvert, acts towards some exstroversial qualities. I don’t like small talk because it is often hard to find ways to further the conversation. For example, in this context I can talk easily because my social expectation is to provide feedback in which I have. Although, sometimes like when people try to hard to start a conversation they ask; how was your day? In which all I really know to respond is “good” until I see and attempt to further my answer to have the conversation directed toward something important or interesting to have provided that I am not in a state of concentration or thinking. I prefer my own mind in which to discuss things but love it when someone wishes to discuss things I find important like a debate on computers or religion or something philosophical. The thing is the first time I remember having a conversation with my mom it was about my home life and I had plenty of information to discuss and a agenda to tell her about and most importantly reason to discuss it. </p>
<p>I believe that most introverts are constantly thinking. You may think we are just passing time but in our minds we constantly re evaluating life and the people around us. We have much to talk about but find it hard to find an outlet. I have noticed that many introverts go to writing to be that outlet and some will go to art ect. I know many things I have to discuss are often not said because of close-mindedness and being a minority on most subjects (like being atheist and an independent non-bipartisan voter) but I only don’t discuss them because people are not truly willing to listen and question their values.What you should do, other then changing what you cannot change, is to find that “outlet” I discussed. If you get him really interested and try to rationalize with him he will talk. </p>
<p>I thought that maybe my perspective on introverts would help redefine the way you think of your son so you can find more effective ways to connect with him.</p>
<p>Also, sorry for the spelling. I am terrible at spelling and don’t have any spell checker on my computer yet. :(</p>