^Yeah, of course, in the individual case. I was more making a point of the tenor of the thread as a whole.
My D was rabid about getting TY’s out as soon as possible, but she did expect her H to write them to his side–I assume that went well, though didn’t ask.
I’m writing because his writing is atrocious. He wrote out half of the invites and a few got returned because they couldn’t read the address. Our new system is that he collects all the information and I write it. It’s a good system for us.
I’ve already strongly suggested to S1 & FDIL that they need to get thank you’s out in a timely manner. We just got a thank you from a wedding we attended over 6 months ago. I fully expect S1 to do his share of thank you cards, and so does FDIL (even if his handwriting is close to illegible).
Somehow this thread puts me into a cold sweat. i had no clue as to the dollar amount given in many cases.
My adopted brother grew up with my dad and his mom, as expats in Asia. Vacations in Europe, ski trips to Korea and Japan. My mom was scraping by single mom, as I was as well, post divorce. Regardless, I was close to him and his mom, and still am with his mom. My 3 kids and I attended his wedding in the Bay area a number of years ago, the same week as my Ds finished all those college apps.
The cost of the airfares, the hotels, the rental car, made me dip way into college savings. My gifts were from the registry, but not extravagant, as I broke the bank to attend. The wedding was far more opulent than anticipated, as the family he married into puts on a very nice show. I still think there is a little resentment regarding my lack of a generous cash gift. He recently labeled me the cheapest person he’s ever met. Well, life has made me careful from necessity, though our Scottish dad exemplified lessons in frugality he has chosen to ignore. Our relationship feels awkward these days, and I think some of it is related to the wedding gift putting us into iffy territory with his new family.
Maybe I’m cheap but I live in the world of big country club weddings and still do about $50 for friends and $150 for extended family, maybe a little more. As far as information on invites, I’ve seen a website link given. The websites are nice and give lots of information other than gift registry so doesn’t seem as much like asking for gift. D’s roommate is getting married, her site has engagement pictures, plans for future, fun facts about couple plus info like hotels, directions, and registry. Actually think this gives the opportunity to give more complete info about travel, accommodations, etc than an extra sheet in invitation.
If I’m invited and don’t know registry I start by checking BB&B and Target. It’s nice when you know if couple wants specific things. One relative getting married was older and had they had household stuff - they had link to pay some toward a pair of their dream kayaks. I liked that (older generation aunt still wanted to know china pattern 
) I’ve also done charitable donations when requested. My only beef with that is that you get on solicitation list for the charity.
We have had three weddings, all nieces and nephews, in the last few years. I have more than ten and the parade of weddings will continue for the next several years. My husband is squarely from the cover your plate domain. I find it silly to give more to one nephew over another based on their ability to spend more on a wedding. I also rejected the notion of giving more if we did not spend money to attend the wedding. I am not going to deduct hotel and airfare from my gift. My solution was to give them all the exact same cash gift regardless of whether or not we incurred additional expenses attending the wedding. So far–
Attended wedding, paid for three hotel rooms. (3 1/2 hr drive)
Attended wedding did not stay the night. (2 1/2 hour drive)
Could not attend wedding. Not drivng distance. Would have require flights and two nights in a hotel.
Gave all couples same gift, $500.00
@reddoor Did they all send thank you notes?
(This is my pet peeve. Relative got married 2 years ago, and we gave a nice check as a wedding present. We know it was cashed, but we never received a thank you note. When this couple has their first child, they will be getting a card only – no more gifts for them.)
I will often tell the gift recipients that as long as I know they got the gift, they do not need to send me a thank you note, and that is my second gift to them!
I had a fun birthday party a few years ago, and despite the “no gifts please”, I got a lot of gifts. One person did not get a thank you because there was no card( or it got separated) so I could not send a thank you note. I did talk to whoever gave me that gift at the event because I remember their telling me how they wrapped it, but for the life of me I couldn’t recall who it was! So if they think I was crass in not sending a thank you, oh well.
So I’ve read through this thread, and some of the expectations just boggle my mind.
The original purpose of a wedding reception was to allow a community to congratulate the newly-married couple. The original purpose of wedding gifts was twofold: to express those congratulations in a material fashion, and to help the newly-married couple set up a household.
It sounds, though, like the reception and gift-giving have become primarily transactional: I will provide food and drink and entertainment for you at a certain dollar cost, and you will indirectly pay for it by giving me fancy things I may or may not want.
Frankly, I find that rather horrifying.
^I think it’s clear that the majority of the posters here don’t follow that practice, and have said so.
Post #148, it sounds like you at least guilty in the “I haven’t read the whole thread” and then pass judgement.
@dfbdfb, not exactly sure why you find giving “fancy” things more transactional and more “horrible” than giving money. Also unclear to me what you consider too “fancy.”
I think you have to realize that there are those of us who regard having the wherewithal to set a nice table as an integral part of setting up an adult household.
@DrGoogle: No, I read the entire thread. I wasn’t reacting to everybody on the thread, I was reacting to a strong minority position—it may not have been most of the posters to this thread who put forward that position, but it was more than just a couple.
And @Consolation, no, what I find horrible is the transactionality implied directly stated by those people upthread. It’s like gift-giving becomes a game of scorekeeping rather than expressing friendship. (And the mention of “fancy things” was just an attempt to link it to expense. If you actually read what I wrote, you will see that I said nothing against fancy gifts in general.)
Most on this thread haven’t expressed such opinions, but several have, and yes, I find that point of view repugnant. Clearly, some others don’t. So it goes.
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Right - I get it - but I don’t think of that as a destination wedding if it’s just the bride’s or groom’s hometown. Do others?
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Exactly. I don’t consider it a “destination wedding” when it’s in the bride’s or groom’s hometown.
When my sister got married, they saved up for a big trip to Europe (BIL was an art student and had never been, so this was a huge dream of his to see many of the great works he had studied ). Anyway we decided to surprise them by calling the hotels where they were booked and prepaying, so when they went to check out there was no bill. My husband is a "surpriser" by nature and that was his idea. It was a fun gift to give since we knew they were very pleasantly surprised!
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What a wonderful surprise! That is something that they will always remember!
THIS! The paying for the Hotels is the most amazing gift I have ever ever heard of.
I do want to do a WOW. The registeries and checks do not do it for me.
Our last wedding gift was two amazing beautiful canoe paddles.
It was so funny when shortly after we went canoeing with them and found out they owned a canoe, and now paddles, but did not know anything about canoeing.
Bet they will always remember who gave them the paddles.
That said, after so many years of wanting to give gifts that were unique and memorable–I feel burned out and am just giving $ from now on.