Before you read on, I want to take a second to say that I love my school. I’m really happy to be here. I’m creating this thread for prospective students to get an idea of what the social scene at BS is actually like.
•It is NOT easy at first to make friends. Most people would think it is but it actually takes some time to truly find your people(I haven’t even yet)
•Rumors can, and will spread. I know from personal experience, that going to BS with a high boarding population makes rumors really easy to spread. At my school, officials have been doing their best to manage it and have been doing a good job.
•Be responsible and mature. Know what is right and what is wrong. Do not get yourself in a bad situation because I promise it happens.
•Learn which people you can’t trust. There are certain people that may have strange reputations and while I hate judging, those stories can sometimes hold a lot of truth.
•Lookout for yourself. Self-explanitory. Bad situations happen around campus and people will find out.
What I’m getting at is that it’s not as easy as it may seem. BS is complicated.
I wanted to take a minute to apologize for not being as active as I hoped. I have had an extremely rough 2 weeks, and was at home for one of those weeks.
Boarding schools offer a small community environment similar to one who both lives & works in a small town. There are both good & bad aspects of living in a fishbowl type environment.
Our family’s experience with an elite boarding school was overwhelmingly positive. Trusting others was never an issue & gossip /rumors were never an issue due to the constantly busy lifestyle all students engaged in at this school.
Among the best single words to describe the 4 year 100% boarding school environment might be “opportunities”. Another single word descriptor might be “growth”.
Overall, drama–social or academic–never entered into the 4 year elite boarding school environment probably due to the type of students attending (highly motivated) and partly due to the lack of idle time (Saturday classes & required sports or other extracurricular activities).
The biggest concern was lack of time to do everything which led to lack of time spent sleeping.
@lilyesh , sorry to hear you have hit road bumps. Hugs to you.
Gossip is a thing anywhere in my experience, bs included. Teens gossip, just like adults do. In bs, like everywhere, lies travel faster than truth. It is a tough lesson to learn, how to keep you head down and not participate in it, and who to trust and be trustworthy.
BS can be such a fishbowl, everyone knows everyone’s business. And people come from such different backgrounds. And I get the sense that the pandemic has made students more on edge than they naturally would be. It can be a tough thing to adjust to in normal times. Just remember to be kind to yourself and give people some benefit of the doubt that they mean well. Some people don’t, and it is ok to keep your distance from them, when you figure out who they are.
It is a tough balance - being open to new things and people vs. self-preservation.
You bring up important points for people to consider.
Going into the process, kiddo met some students at different schools - they shared different perspectives which were helpful in the emotional preparation for going away to BS.
One perspective we heard was similar to a comment from a fun girl we met at one BS: “It’s like having a sleep over every night - but on a school night and with a purpose”.
A different perspective we heard was like “There is no escape hatch from school!” - meaning you can’t go home after being with students who you don’t want to be with or kids who annoy you - or teachers.
Create your own “escape hatch” of close friends, a sports team, hobby, performing arts, EC’s, or supportive place.
So our kid was left with the impression that it was somewhere in between the two perspectives.
High school is complicated. Full stop. Add in the stress of being away from home at a boarding school, often for the first time, it IS very hard. I also agree that it often takes some time to find your real group of friends. For me, it wasn’t until sophomore year, for Kiddo1, it was spring term of freshman year.
Some schools are better at bringing kids together than others. This is something we are learning now as we go through the search for kiddo2. It’s important to pay attention to orientation programs, and the overall vibe of the school. Is the school ready and willing to help you adjust or is the school expecting you to stand on your own from day one?
I’m so sorry that you’ve had a rough few weeks. I hope that you have now gotten the support you need, and will be even stronger for it. Kiddo1 had an extremely difficult time adjusting her first few weeks. It wasn’t until she ended up in the infirmary because of a panic attack that the school finally stepped in to help her on a necessary level. And even then, it was primarily the health center that metaphorically put her back together, not her dorm parents or advisor. On the upside, now in her sophomore year, she’s happier than she has been in years and absolutely loves her very supportive friend group.
Don’t ever hesitate to reach out for help. It’s okay to need support.
I had a similar experience to you, though I was luckier—late November was when I finally felt that I settled in, and then Freshman Shakespeare in the winter cemented it in. You’ll eventually fall in somewhere.
A few more things I’d like to note after having gone through some time at my school:
Don’t put yourself into boxes, socially, athletically, academically, athletically, or clubwise. The person I thought I would be when I entered this school and the person I actually am are drastically different—and that’s because I randomly latched onto some activities out of nowhere and found that I loved them. Pursuing those has both made me far happier and made me feel very accomplished.
Don’t expect to have free time. I spend less than two hours on my phone per day. Many of my friends frequently sleep less than 6 hours (I get at least 7, but I’ve found that I’m an exception). Most of my frees and lunch periods are consumed by doing homework. If you want to truly make the most of your experience and join clubs/take hard classes, you will need to make some sacrifices like this. Make sure to take time for yourself, though; I have some rules like never going to sleep after 1:00 AM and never doing any academic work on Saturdays after classes end. It’ll eventually be the only way that you can keep yourself sane. Boarding school is stressful. Period.
Your school won’t be a utopia. Your grades may go down slightly (mine certainly did!). You may frequently feel burnt out or like you want to leave. You may hate the dining hall’s food or the strict check-in rules. It’s OK, though. Remember all the great times, the relationships you’ve formed, and the amazing opportunities you’ve gotten through this—this might be especially difficult early on, but it does eventually get better. And if it doesn’t, that’s also fine—this experience isn’t perfect for everyone. Don’t feel like you’ve failed.
Thanks for the advice. I just feel like there’s no coming back from this. It’s not even about the friends sometimes. It’s about the actual situation. Most people would come to me and ask why I’m still here after the situation. People have been name calling me, and it seems like the whole entire school knows everything about me.
Things are probably especially raw for you at the moment, but my guess is that most of your peers have already moved on. Teenagers are, by nature, incredibly insecure and they quickly move on to talking about the next thing that takes the focus off themselves. Lots of high schoolers make mistakes, and the majority of them make a full recovery. Give it some more time to blow over. And if you truly feel like you can’t escape this incident, it’s not the end of the world if you choose to move to another school. We are all rooting for you.
One other thing, if you’re not already speaking with a counselor at school, now would be a great time to connect with one. Their professional guidance may really help you successfully work through this.
I recall a girl in my son’s class saying at graduation that living in a dorm at BS is like a slumber party. You look forward to it. A lot of it’s fun. There’s drama and you feel tired and disconnected from the group in the morning. All different feelings around the same thing.
Give yourself whatever you need to feel comfortable- a weekend sleep in, a talk with a counselor, healthy food, a pass on self-judgement. Settling in can take time. Hoping you are taking care of yourself.
I am sorry you are struggling. Without knowing what’s going on it is really hard to give advice.
I do think there can be drama at BS, but ignoring it is also possible. My daughter was friends with a drama filled girl. She was drama filled in everything she did, every sports game, every friendship. She started big drama with my older daughter who basically ignored it completely - this drama was so big that seniors knew all about it and were taking sides when the girls were sophomores. Ignoring it diffused it to such a degree that no one cared about it. Sometimes the urge to defend yourself only fuels the fire. (again, I have no idea what your situation is but this has worked for my kid several times, I think because she is zero drama kids who love drama are drawn to her calmness)
I hope your parents are being supportive, I don’t really think that this forum is a great place to find support in a moment like this so I hope you have people in real life who know what you are going through and are giving you good advice.
I hope that you, your advisor, or your parents, will advocate for you to have a very reasonable and doable return to work/homework plan. Make sure you are talking to someone about this!