<p>I originally posted this in the Boyfriend Dilemma thread, but here is a new thread to avoid derailing the other one.
Any insight?</p>
<p>I don’t think that experience per se is incredibly important. It can be valuable, yes, but that depends on the people.</p>
<p>Here’s what I learned from my 6-7 years of active “dating” at your age:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Despite thinking of myself as a nice guy, I could be a real s**t to girls. I didn’t like it much when I did that. I had to be a toad a few times before I could turn into a prince.</p></li>
<li><p>I had a lot of ambivalence about sex, and didn’t handle that well.</p></li>
<li><p>Liking someone didn’t mean she had to like you back.</p></li>
<li><p>But a lot of times she did. I didn’t have to worry that no one would ever like me.</p></li>
<li><p>There wasn’t just one woman in the world for me. But I couldn’t even dream of putting in the energy to have a relationship with more than one at a time.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>If life needs to teach you any of those lessons, your current relationship will do just fine. And you won’t have to intellectualize about breaking up.</p>
<p>(Also, a minor lesson learned: It is NO FUN to date someone who says she has broken up with her boyfriend, but hasn’t really, yet, and doesn’t really want to.)</p>
<p>Also, since the dawn of time people have wondered whether the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of that fence, and whether the bluebird of happiness might not have been in their backyard (with the seemingly browner grass) all along. But, no, if you stay together, you won’t always wonder, because 3,000 things will become more important in your life than how many boys you’ve kissed goodnight. And if you split up, you may sometimes wonder whether that was the right thing to do, but chances are life will carry you elsewhere and you won’t wonder much. Generally people split up for an actual reason – e.g., they get on each other’s nerves, they disagree about important things, or one of them wants to kiss other people and may be doing it already. That tends to moderate any sense of regret, at least on one side. Or else they do get back together, sadder but wiser. </p>
<p>If life has to teach you any of THOSE lessons, your current relationship will also do just fine.</p>
<p>You don’t need to court trouble. It usually comes all by itself. You know perfectly well that it isn’t very likely that you will make it to, say, 25 in your current relationship, or that if you do it will be without a lot of bumps and bruises along the way. If you escape all that, you will have ample reason to feel lucky, and you will have learned everything experience needs to teach you.</p>
<p>If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.</p>
<p>Although I basically agree with what oldfort posted in the other thread ( don’t over analyze), in this instance I have a couple of questions. Which one of you thinks taking a break might be a good idea? How did the question come up? You say you know that neither of you really wants that, yet usually when both people don’t really want that, they don’t talk about it.
If my daughter came to me with this question, and it happened that her BF “wondered” if taking a break might be a good idea, I’d counsel her to take it. It would be a sign that he is feeling a bit bored or stifled, or just not ready for the next stage of commitment. I would hope that she wouldn’t argue to keep the relationship going if his heart wasn’t in it.
This may not be the case for you and your BF. If you are the one wanting to take a break, listen to your gut. It may be that you feel the need to grow, and the relationship isn’t allowing for that. It’s ok! It doesn’t diminish who he is or his importance to you.</p>
<p>This is what I posted for you on another thread, moving it here:</p>
<p>Carmelia - I don’t think people should try to force to stay together or apart. You will stay together because it feels right. You will part when the feeling isn’t there any more. If you try to stay apart now just because…you probably will start drifting back again anyway. But if you no longer have that special feeling for each other any more, a marriage license couldn’t keep you together. Enjoy each, don’t try to over analyze.</p>
<p>I thought JHS’s answer was great, and then I thought Hanna’s was, too!</p>
<p>Right now, it sounds like you two are doing great! But the fact that you posted this dilemma in the first place shows that you are very unsure of your situation, meaning maybe you should take a break. But I think you should only do this if he wants to as well, because if he doesn’t understand why you want to do this, he will just be hurt and then might not want to get back together if you decide that he really is the one you want to be with. I do think that if you stay together you will “always wonder”. So take a break if you think you are curious, because who knows? You each may find that you are meant for each other, and you will come back together stronger than ever!</p>
<p>
It came up at the beginning of the summer in conjunction with some problems we were having (we were both starting new jobs, adjusting to a new living situation, overworked, sleep-deprived, and arguing all the time). He mentioned curiosity about other people, which is legitimate and I have felt too on occasion but mostly ignored, and I suggested the break idea. A few weeks ago, we had a serious conversation about where we were going – why were we fighting so much (stress, mostly, and responsibility and living in the same house for an internship program we’re doing and getting in each other’s face all the time), was it fixable (probably), what should we do about it (go out more, see other friends, worry less about the future, be less irritable even if work was bad and you don’t feel like cooking), and so on. </p>
<p>After the conversation, things changed dramatically for the better, and the last couple of weeks have been lovely (fun, enjoyable, nonargumentative, etc.). A few days ago, because we hadn’t talked about the idea at all in several weeks, I casually asked him about it – along the lines of,</p>
<p>Me: So I don’t know if it’s a faux pas to bring this up, but did you still want to take a break to see other people in the fall?
Him: I don’t know, do you? Right now I don’t really feel that I want to.</p>
<p>We agreed to think about it, ask others (friends, parents, etc.) for advice, and then decide at the end of the summer. Right now we’re leaning towards not taking a break; I think I’d be emotionally fine with either, but it hinges on the probability that something really useful will come out of it. Hence the question.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice; I’ll keep all of it in mind.</p>
<p>I met Bullet the night after my hs graduation…dated all summer long, shortly after we went off to our colleges (he was a soph, I was a fresh) he decided he need space and to date…aka play the field. 8 mos to the day later we got back together.</p>
<p>I have no regrets that he chose our path. I too dated and realized my heart was always with him. We have now been ogether for 25 yrs, and this Dec. we will be married for 20.</p>
<p>I will admit I tease him about the girls he dated while we were apart :eek:
Yet, I have never had to wonder what if…we both found each other again and are just happy being together.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>My sage advice from seeing family and friends go through divorces…What G*d puts together no man can put asunder. If you are meant to be fate will make sure that is where you will end up!</p>
<p>After hearing the background to your question, I think I would just chill for a while. You are enjoying each other now, so let it be. </p>
<p>I might suggest, although my advice on this matter wasn’t solicited ;), that you two don’t live together next year. Living in the same house with someone you’re dating, but not formally committed to on a long term basis, is very emotionally trying. Why make it harder on yourselves? I take it from your post that this is just a summer situation, yes?</p>
<p>We live in different apartments in the same building (together with the other students in our program), and it’s for the summer, nothing permanent. We’ll be in separate dorms during the school year, don’t worry. :p</p>
<p>“A few weeks ago, we had a serious conversation about where we were going – why were we fighting so much … After the conversation, things changed dramatically for the better”</p>
<p>Your description of how you talked through various troubles, mutually decided how you could both work harder to improve things, and then effectively put the plan into action tells me that this is a pretty unusual teenage relationship. It doesn’t sound to me like you need to learn a bunch of lessons the hard way, which is the usual reasons adults give for recommending relationship experience. My diagnosis is that you’re going to be fine romantically whether you stay together or not.</p>
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<p>Well, I don’t so insist.</p>
<p>People take different paths. I’m neither per se for or against such experience. If you and he are happy the way you are, then I wouldn’t recommend disturbing things just for the sake of experience. Rather, I’d recommend trusting your and his own judgment that things are fine in the relationship, until such time as your or his own judgment says otherwise.</p>
<p>Brought this over fromthe other thread:<br>
Camellia,
If you and BF don’t want to see other people, don’t. You are both mature, intelligent people and you don’t need X number of partners to know if a relationship works for you. Keep your eyes, ears and brain focused on the one you have and if there are issues that need addressing (either through the relationship or by breaking up), deal with them then.</p>
<p>I don’t think experience is that big a deal. My mother met my Dad when she was 16 and they are still married almost 60 years later. I’m not sure my husband had any real girlfriends before me, and I only had one really serious relationship before my husband. (It didn’t survive a junior year apart - we both met our future spouses while separated.) </p>
<p>My inclination for you is to continue to play it by ear.</p>
<p>Mu husband and I met freshman year in college. Although I had briefly dated 3 or 4 other people, he never dated anyone else. We have been happily married for 34 years.</p>
<p>MY sister-in-law and her husband met as sophomores in high school and neither of them ever dated anyone else. They are still together – 35 years later.</p>
<p>Don’t get too hung up on this “experience” thing. Forget what others say – what is more important is what you and your boyfriend think and feel. </p>
<p>Que sera sera (whatever will be, will be).</p>
<p>I really, really like JHS post #2. Original and very thoughtful. He must be in touch with his inner child to remember all of that.</p>
<p>I also met H freshman year in college. Neither of us had dated, and I only dated one other young man … for a short time … in college. If either of us had met someone we wanted to date, we would have discussed it … but we never did. We were perfectly happy with each other. 30 years later, we still are! Every couple is different. I could tell you 20 stories about 20 couples & how they went about their relationships. The only one that matters to me is mine. That’s how it should be for you. If you don’t see the need to date others … don’t. Believe me, we didn’t need experience with others to know that we wanted to be together forever.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who noted that you guys seem to be handling your differences and your relationship in a very mature way. I kind of doubt you are the sort of people who are someday going to regret not dating other people and then break off your relationship because of it.</p>
<p>My H and I dated other people in college because everyone insisted that it was the thing to do. We regret it. It just caused fights and insecurity in our relationship. We were much happier when we gave up all that and became committed to one another.</p>
<p>S and his g/f will be seniors and have been dating since freshman year. They liked each other in high school but did not date. They have had a few ups and downs that I think were due more to immaturity and needing to grow up (which I have seen them both do) than it was needing to experience dating other people.</p>
<p>Speaking of which…you and your b/f are both still growing up. You will each be selfish, irritable, and unreasonable sometimes and you will get in arguments. This doesn’t mean that you and he are not “meant to be”. Growing up is hard and everyone is a jerk sometimes.</p>
<p>I was my husband’s first (and last) girlfriend so obviously I don’t think experience with other people is crucial.</p>
<p>I think breaking up just to look around is silly. If however, either of you meets someone they can’t stop thinking about, then splitting up may be a good idea.</p>
<p>Both of you will meet lots of people during your internships and schooling. If someone new knocks you off your feet, you’ll need to decide whether or not to give it a try.</p>
<p>But if you never meet anyone you like better, you may end up like a friend of mine who’s been married 19 years who said, “I love MY husband but I’ve never met anyone’s else husband that I could even imagine being married to.” My response was GOOD – that’s how it should be.</p>