<p>I was talking to my son this morning and he came up with the term Grad-zilla to describe how his step-sister is acting. An hour and a half before his graduation last Saturday, she threw a giant temper tantrum and spent thirty minutes screaming at me while I was trying to get ready to leave for graduation because we weren’t paying enough attention to her. Her birthday was the next day and her graduation is this weekend. I told her it was not about her on the day of his graduation and that only launched her into a tirade about no one cares about her. My son had seven family members at his graduation…she will have 25 at hers. He had a small party after graduation, she’s having a large party before and a small brunch (16 people) with my husband’s side of the family the next day. At the moment that she was screaming at me, her father had taken her brother to buy her a birthday gift, after he himself had spent three hours shopping for her birthday gift the day before. </p>
<p>Then yesterday she had another temper tantrum resulting in her posting to Facebook that she doesn’t want any of us at her graduation and later posting that she was going to spend time with her favorite family…which is her boyfriend’s family, so a direct pot shot at her mother and her father and their families.</p>
<p>Now all this sounds really bad, but honestly until the last couple of months we all got along very well. My husband and I work very hard to be supportive of all the kids and to cooperate with his ex for the benefit of his kids. He’s always faithfully paid child support and is paying half of her college costs which is significant since she is a C student with ~1000 SATs. She spent every other weekend at our house and many holidays until she was old enough to drive and then she chose not to visit any longer, which was very hard on her dad, especially because she often about not coming to visit because she has to work, then posts to her Facebook that she’s out with her boyfriend.</p>
<p>Now it’s just like no one can do enough for her. She had the gall to complain when we told her her aunt is pregnant that that baby is going to be so spoiled and it’s not fair to her because she was supposed to inherit all her aunt’s money. She’s so totally out of reality, I don’t know what to do any more. I honestly don’t want to go to her graduation events but I will, to support my DH. But honestly, I feel like we are tolerating and supporting bad behavior and she needs to be held responsible for being such a Grad-zilla.</p>
<p>Sorry for the wall of text and thanks for listening. I think I’m just going to clamp my jaw shut and be gracious and smile and try to get through the next few days without tearing all my hair out. Any advice is greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>You say “but honestly until the last couple of months we all got along very well.”</p>
<p>What changed?? It’s possible that she has that senior year…“Oh no…now I’m an adult and really don’t know what I’m going to do with my life thing” going on…I’ve seen more than 1 kid get a little irrational toward the end of their senior year…</p>
<p>IMO you are doing the right thing going to the graduation…try not to clench that jaw too tightly…don’t need to develop TMJ</p>
<p>What do you when she is screaming at you? Do you tolerate that behavior? I hope you would tell her it is not acceptable, and your H is supportive of you when his D is behaving badly?</p>
<p>I would ignore her. I would do what you are prepared to do for her graduation, birthday, but no more and no less. Don’t cave in to her tantrum. Send her upstairs when she is behaving badly or just walk away. Just because she is behaving like a child, and she is, there is no reason you need you get down to her level.</p>
<p>I would go to her graduation because it’s an adult thing to do. As far as her not coming to see her dad, it is between your H and her. I think it’s just as much of her lost as his. Don’t let her control your household, or your emotion.</p>
<p>Seriously, I agree with previous post. Graduation is when it begins to seem real–being separated from long-held friendships, taking on the challenge of college, becoming more independent and leaving the nest. Just hold your tongue and hopefully some time in the future she’ll be saying; “Boy, I was really a terror leading up to my graduation–thanks for putting up with me.”</p>
<p>All I can say is that you should arrange to be out of the country - perhaps serving a long term on the international space station - when the little dear gets married.</p>
<p>The first thing to do is stop reading her Facebook page. Unfriend her. If she asks why, tell her that it is hurtful to read the unpleasant things she posts about her family. Let her chew on that. </p>
<p>It sounds as if she is stuck at a stage of development where she doesn’t realize where her personal boundaries ought to be and where other people start. She recognizes only herself.</p>
<p>I have sympathy for children of divorce, but this blindly striking out in all directions has got to stop–or at least you need to sidestep the blows.</p>
<p>Give her a break, she is a girl and needs some slack for hormonal mood swings. In cases like this, I just leave the room and not pay any attention to what she said. Girls sometime need to be treated exactly like 2 years olds in throwing tantrum, ignoring will do the trick.</p>
<p>Whenever I am at my limit, all it takes is for Happykid to ask, “Mom should I go get you a paper bag?” to get me to calm down. So, my advice is for you to dig through all of the paper bags in your pantry, and find the one you like best (maybe an ancient McDonald’s Happy Meal bag or one from Dunkin’ Donuts). Then you can pack it in your purse, or in the glove box of the car, or somewhere else handy. Even if you don’t need it to control hyperventilation, just knowing that it’s there will make you smile.</p>
<p>Wishing you all the best as you survive the graduation season!</p>
<p>Stop reading her facebook page – unless for safety reasons. Her dad should be paying CS – you make it sound like a favor. As to college, plenty of C student/1000 Sat kids go to college. If she only spends EOW with you – at most – how can she bother you that much?</p>
<p>I don’t think OP mentioned child support as a favor. She was just saying he was doing his part, just like everyone else in the girl’s life. If OP’s step daughter had better GPA, she could have gotten some merit aid. A whining, unpleasant teenager, even 5 minutes is too long. I wouldn’t have invited her back she behaved like that with me. After all, it’s also OP’s house.</p>
<p>Wow, really? Sorry, but “hormonal mood swings” are NOT an excuse for this girl’s behavior. She is not acting hormonal, she is acting like a spoiled brat. There is a difference between a “mood swing” and a constant stream of actions over the past couple of months. A mood swing does not last 2 months.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I don’t know. I don’t hear many parents saying, we feed and house our kids, but I do hear stepmothers say dad pays CS.</p>
<p>Also, I don’t understand your comment re “I wouldn’t have invited her back she behaved like that with me.” Back where. This is her dad’s house. You think she should need Stepmom’s permission to go there?</p>
<p>Well, if my flesh and blood threw this kind of temper tantrums, they would be invited to leave my (and their dad’s) house. It’s not the girl’s house. It’s her dad’s and her stepmom’s.</p>
<p>Really – you would throw a kid out for temper tramptrums ? When the temper tamptrum resulted in a face book posting??? How many kids post negative comments about their parents on face book? Seems to me that Stepmom is looking for negative stuff. That type of behaivor can exacerbate normal teen conflicts. </p>
<p>I think it is very tellling when SM uses language like “gradzilla” I doubt a mom would use language like that. And why is it OK for her son to use that word. In my house there was no name calling. Behaivor is between parent and child.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the great advice and insight. I hadn’t even considered unfriending her on Facebook because usually D or H tell me what she wrote before I even see it. But unfriending her would send a strong message. I had a good laugh at Missypie’s comment about being on the space station during her wedding…an observation S also made (pretty astute for a fellow 18 year old). You are all correct, she is being a spoiled brat, I should give her some consideration for hormonal and grad-separation issues, I don’t tolerate her screaming at me, but I do face her down with the truth and a calm voice. She is going a short distance away for college and I don’t expect any of us will see her much after she goes…at least according to her. As for CS, I only intended that comment as positive, comparing her father whom she said doesn’t support her or care about her against plenty of parents who don’t pay CS or spend time with their kids. </p>
<p>Okay, I’ve taken a deep breath, had a bit of a laugh, gotten it all back in perspective thanks to you and I’m going to make this weekend a positive experience to the best of my ability. Cheers to all of you!</p>
<p>I believe step-brother came up with the name Gradzilla. When I grew up, my mother did not tolerate namecalling between siblings. Here SM uses it.</p>
<p>Raising teens is difficult. This is not a blended family – the stepdaughter is barely there, and still SM has issues. </p>
<p>Referring to a stepdaughter by a name is not what I call grace and patience. </p>
<p>As to dad paying 1/2 of college – we dont know what his versus the girl’s mothers income is, so who knows what is fair (of course, OP may not know either).</p>
<p>I just want to express my admiration for all of the step parents who handle their blended families with grace and patience. Raising teens is difficult and step-parenting teens has got to be more so. Keep at it everyone - your reward will be in heaven.</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree. Both of mine are my own flesh and blood. I certainly would call them that if they behaved as op described. I still call mine “princess” now and then when she acts up. </p>
<p>I think the kid behaved abominably. Hopefully it just a phase for her. Both of mine did behave rather badly during senior year. They both behave pretty well now, and even thank us and express appreciation now and then.</p>