The Saga of the Merely Average Child Continues

Parent Cafe
1

<p>In this episode, Parent (me) realizes that D’s early acceptance and decent financial aid offer at a local in-state public U, for Fall 2009, caused her to feel premature relief. She erroneously thought that the hard part was over and that the rest of D’s senior year would be a cakewalk, so to speak. </p>

<p>D’s has, as I have painfully established in another thread – and been roundly trounced upon for even thinking of uttering same–, had an average high school career. Yes, she probably could have done much better had she been more interested, but she wasn’t and isn’t. Still, the comments from teachers tended to speak of her effort and general niceness in the classroom. Until this week’s report card! Complaints of work not done, work yet to be turned in, 43% homework average, lowest grade in the class on the exam – these comments spread out over five academic areas --; indeed, she has gone from average to uninterested and self-destructing.</p>

<p>I was wrong to feel relief.</p>

<p>No, this final semester of the senior year will require much diligence, much supervision, much nagging, much hands-on parenting. I thought I was done! Did she not receive an acceptance to an accredited college? (Actually, she received two but I don’t count the one that wanted to charge 35000K. That school probably takes anyone with a checkbook! But I digress.)</p>

<p>This evening it also occurred to me that maybe there is no finish line, no relief. There’s the summer to get through. Freshman year. Various summers and holidays. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Semester Abroad. Cars. Insurance. Allergy shots and medications. Wedding(s). Pregnancy. Babies. Divorce(s). THE LIFE CYCLE.</p>

<p>It’s like – there is no end. </p>

<p>DD announced this evening that she and three friends wish to drive to Tennessee to attend a large music festival in June. I did a bit of research and came up with: heat stroke; drugs; random dangers to be found in a crowd of 90,000 people; related risks of camping in said 100% humidity; …</p>

<p>well, you get my drift.</p>

<p>Yes, yes, I know I <em>should</em> Be Very Proud of D (I am) and how dare I even utter these words, yes, yes, bad mother here, I confess – but seriously, does the worry end?</p>

2

<p>"
No, this final semester of the senior year will require much diligence, much supervision, much nagging, much hands-on parenting. I thought I was done! Did she not receive an acceptance to an accredited college? (Actually, she received two but I don’t count the one that wanted to charge 35000K. That school probably takes anyone with a checkbook! But I digress.)"</p>

<p>You don’t have to do those things. You can let her feel the natural consequences of her behavior, and if that means she doesn’t get to go to college next year and doesn’t graduate from high school with her class, at least she will have learned an important lesson while she’s still living at home.</p>

<p>I learned this with my sons, both of whom got grades beneath their potential in high school. I erroneously thought that if I helped older S get into a college that would meet his needs (He hated our state, so I did the legwork in identifying an out of state college in an area that he liked, and where his scores helped him get excelletn merit aid), he would go off to college and do fine.</p>

<p>After he got into college – Oct. of his senior year – he essentially checked out of high school, even told his teachers he didn’t need to do homework since, “I’ve got my college acceptances.” H and I scheduled a conference with all of his teachers, but S didn’t show up, said he didn’t know he was supposed to be there.</p>

<p>With H and I on his back, S graduated from h.s., then went off to college, flunked out and has never returned home. At age 24, he’s doing fulltime temp work and supporting himself.</p>

<p>With younger S, we told him that if he got bad grades as a senior, we wouldn’t pay for college until he had spent a year in college and had gotten decent grades. S never got around to applying to college, and he also procrastinated so much with his homework that we didn’t know he was graduating from h.s. until a week before graduation.</p>

<p>He did a gap year – Americorps ( a position he found), living at home and paying rent. Our house rule is that adult offspring living at home who aren’t in school full time and aren’t too ill to work are expected to follow the house rules – and pay rent. </p>

<p>That S did all of the work of applying to colleges during his gap year. This included his paying for applications. He got into 2, chose the more expensive, and paid for his first year with loans, merit aid and money he got from Americorps.</p>

<p>He loves his college and is carrying a B+ average while working 14 hours a week and participating in a variety of productive ECs.</p>

<p>If I could do things over, I would have treated older S the same way I treated younger S including holding him responsible for his h.s. grades as a senior, and letting him know that we wouldn’t pay for college until he demonstrated to us his motivation and responsibility by going to college for a year on his own dime and getting decent grades.</p>

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<p>Your D needs to understand that the college acceptance can be rescinded if she doesn’t perform fairly well senior year. The colleges DO recognize senioritis, but you still have to get reasonable grades.</p>

<p>As for Bonnaroo, kids (and adults) seem to survive it. My son went with some friends after junior year of high school. I wasn’t thrilled, but each came home in one piece with no arrests.</p>

<p>I actually do understand your state of mind. I have one kid that I truly don’t think I’ll ever not be worrying about.</p>

4

<p>Well I talk to my 75 year old mother weekly and the topic is generally her worry about one of my siblings so I would say no.</p>

5

<p>Well if you’re talking about Bonnaroo, I can say with first hand experience that it really isn’t all that bad. It’s not like Woodstock where everyone is tripping on LSD and having sex in mud…If you’re D has common sense and you trust her, I wouldn’t be too worried about her going to that.</p>

6

<p>No, it does not end. My 96 y/o grandmother still worries about her 70-something daughters, who worry about their middle-aged kids, who are us. As your daughter gets older and becomes an adult, though, you’ll have much less to say about boyfriends, marriages, weddings, divorces. (Even so, it would be good to try to get out from under the Eeyore thing. Some good things will happen, too!)</p>

<p>What would happen if you sat down with your daughter and told her that you are not going to provide any of the following this semester:

She’s going to college in 8 months - this next semester can be her trial adulthood period. I suggest discussing with her (one time only) what her GPA needs to be in order not to have her admission rescinded, and what the consequences of that would be in your household. </p>

<p>Next year you’re going to be blissfully unaware of her day-to-day academic trials, her social life, many other challenges. You’ve done what you can - I think it’s time to let it go. Yes, it’s very hard.</p>

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<p>MOWC I’m in your camp, if everyone comes home in one piece and the cops don’t call me I consider it a raging success. I’m on a need to know basis around here. Don’t tell me what happened while you were there…just come home in one piece and don’t end up in jail. :)</p>

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<p>My boys went to Bonnaroo together when they were 16 and 19. They were hot and dirty, but had a great (and safe) time.</p>

9

<p>Tell her that the college could revoke the acceptance if she continues to slack off.</p>

10

<p>tell her to come home alive…and not to let any photos get posted on facebook!</p>

11

<p>MOWC pretty much said it all – I will worry about this child until my dying moment. </p>

<p>Will adopt “need to know basis/come home in one piece/no arrests” attitude although this is a real stretch for me.</p>

12

<p>Well, Bonnaroo is in June, so perhaps that can be the carrot! Get the grades up, keep the grades up and make a responsible plan and Tennessee is in her future. My son drove to Bonnaroo from NY the summer after his freshman year of college. They actually had a terrific time and all returned home in one piece, with only 1 traffic ticket amongst the 4 cars. A successful trip by my standards!</p>

13

<p>No, this final semester of the senior year will require much diligence, much supervision, much nagging, much hands-on parenting.</p>

<p>I agree with NSM- you do those things and what will you do when she goes off to college? Move into the dorm?</p>

<p>( *I * wanted to go to Bonnaroo last year- but I had already gone to Santa Barbara for a concert- I would be thrilled if all my 18 yr old wanted to do was go to Bonnaroo/Lolla/Coachella or even Glastonbury or Reading.But noooo, * my * daughter is going to India next month- for three months- )</p>

14

<p>I really wish you hadn’t reused the title from the old thread. </p>

<p>Worry…Roots and Wings. There have been some wonderful “letting go” threads on CC. Maybe some can be referenced for this thread. (Another “compilation” thread for CC!)</p>

15

<p>Someone told me when my twins were little and I was completely worn out- that it never gets easier…it just gets different. (I cried upon hearing those words at the time) but they have been true.</p>

<p>I agree with the roots and wings theory. It is so hard though. S2 is more the social-lite and though I hate letting him do so many of the things that he wants to do- I know that I have to.(and it is against my nature as well) He’s a great student, has made good choices and he will be away before too long. He’s almost 18 and I have to trust him and he has to feel like he has freedom and responsibility.</p>

<p>In the book “Adolescence is fatal, it just feels like it” the author said we have to teach our kids “why” they wouldn’t want to make some choices. Just to say no- or try and control the situation isn’t going to work. In your case, I think it would be fine to say “hey- here are the consequences for not at least doing the bare minimum” at school- now it is your choice. I told my 2 that- daily assingments and preparing for tests were required elements of their 2nd semester if they wanted the freedom to go out, have a phone, car etc. But I do think it is so important to talk about these things when you aren’t mad, exhausted or at the end of your rope. </p>

<p>Good luck. You sound so tired… I am sure we can all relate!!</p>

16

<p>

Not according to my 83 year old mother, who still worries about me. Of course, the tables have also turned, so not only do I worry about my college student, I worry about my 83 year old mother!</p>

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<p>2boysima,</p>

<p>What title would you prefer? Can I change it?</p>

<p>Edited to add – Sorry, I think once the thread is titled, that it is a done deal. Sorry you didn’t like it.</p>

18

<p>When I was growing up, negative behavior was rewarded with attention and worry, while positive behavior was hardly noticed. I may have read too much of your other thread to be objective here, but I will say that yes, some form of parenting continues throughout life. It is what we make of it. If we choose to worry and focus on the potential negatives (as my mother, who has dementia, still manages to do with a couple of my 50-something siblings), we’ll never be at peace, and our children may resent us. It is exhausting to be the child of a parent like this, because you begin to feel like nothing you do will ever satisfy, much less bring praise. I often felt like that.</p>

<p>Having said this, yes, all of senior year can be an absolutely dreadful parental experience. (Believe it or not, it can be just as dreadful for our kids.) On graduation day last June, I felt liberated. My approach through the year was to commiserate with other mothers constantly. I am not sure my book group ever truly discussed a book from September through August, when most of our children began to leave for college. And I spent way too much money on morning coffee because that’s how I’d see friends. I highly recommend it. You might find out that your average daughter has average senioritis. That doesn’t mean it’s okay for her to let her work slide. But you might feel better.</p>

<p>By the way, I always regretted not going to Woodstock. And I still want to go to Burning Man.</p>

19

<p>I would remember that this year is a time of enormous growth for the student AND the parent. IMHO, we watch the student make more mistakes with larger consequences, and it is very difficult to hold one’s opinion, even when we have to. Many of these kids have very busy lives - certainly my hs kids do - and are juggling multiple, demanding responsibilities for the first time. There is some maturation required to conclude for some that real effort starts now, particularly for those surrounded by friends without the same work ethic or goals. (My anectode is this - I watch DS1 complete at least 4-5 hours of classwork per day - I also see other members of his senior class leave school with no books whatsoever in hand - it is hard for some to mature while also observing that others do not have to do so). </p>

<p>You’re daughter will be just fine. And, I think senior slump (within reason) is a bit of a needed developmental milestone after the hectic first semester of senior year.</p>

20

<p>S went to Bonnaroo a few years ago with a couple of friends–drove all the way from CT. It rained and was a muddy mess; they’re camping equipment was inadequate because they hadn’t done their research; they got lost umpteen times driving there and back. In other words, they had the time of their lives and gained quite a few life skills. So long as your D is spending her own money for the trip, I say let her go.</p>