I put this in the get it off your chest but I guess I’d like to get my frustration out more.
First I want to say that I have no family nearby, my il’s live the closest 2 hours away. My kids live 12 and 8 hours away. My mom lives 12 and my sister 7.
So far this year, my il’s came to our house once, we went to bil’s cabin once and today my H went to visit them. He got an earful about how we don’t see them enough and we don’t invite them to our house enough. My H in particular has a very demanding job where he is on the road 2 or 3 days a week. I wasn’t able to go to the il’s today because my H had a prior meeting and I can’t really go to his business meetings which are in places where there is nothing there. Seriously. I wanted to go, we couldn’t make it work.
We also like to do things on the weekends, my H has a hobby he wants to pursue and in the winter we like to XC ski and in the summer we like to bike, hike and golf. We are having a fun time with our empty nest.
In addition my H is on call every 6 weeks, last weekend he spent it on his computer and phone.
We see our kids twice a year and my mom twice or 3 times. A year. This year I might see my mom 4 times, and that’s the most I think we’ve been able to get together in a really long time.
I have mentioned to my mil that we see them much more than the kids or my mom or sister. Her response was that I need to tell my kids that they have to visit more often. They have lives, jobs, a spouse for one and limited vacation time.
I’m sort of at my wits end. I would love suggestions on how to approach this. We usually ignore her when she goes on these tirades but I’m so tired of it.
Her dog is dying apparently and I know this has set her off, she does not get along with her other DIL. But she gets her undies in a bunch all the time and I’m trying hard how to figure out how to deal with a 83 year old tantrum. Or how to handle the guilt.
These are your inlaws? My free advice…let your husband handle their “complaints”.
We invited my in-laws to every birthday party, every holiday, and every school event. They came to each kid’s high school graduations. They never came here for a holiday or birthday. They lived about a four hour drive…we were the closest of their kids. They got to other people’s hpises but just didn’t come here.
I finally told my husband…no more invitations. We spend the major holidays with friends who also have families far away. It has worked out very well.
My husband drives up to see his mom about four times a year for a long weekend. I send food.
My H’s response is to make his mom happy. He will tell me what she said and then he may forget. Or let me handle her. I’m tired
She’s getting worse as she ages. She told my BIL that his kids were really entitled. Then she called me to tell me what she said. She is losing her filter but seems proud and thinks that people admire her plain speaking.
hi deb22, these are always such tough situations. The way I see it you have 2 choices. 1. Status quo, which is the easiest but most frustrating. 2. Be honest. Really honest. Tell her what you told us and that her comments frustrate and anger you, and push you away even more. You have to tell her in a calm, controlled way. However, you will have to decide in advance how you will react to her responses. It’s so hard doing this…I did it once with my MIL.
I was married 8 years and she was just a jealous MIL. She would needle, but no one could see it or hear it but me. It went on for 8 years. One day I had had enough. I decided I was going to say something to her and I didn’t care if DH divorced me or not, I was tired of it. So, over the phone I asked her if there was anything that I had ever done to her because I felt she didn’t like me. All I wanted was to be liked and thought I had really made an effort to be a good DIL. She kept asking for examples and then I finally laid it on the line. All the nasty things she had said or done over the years. Anyway, I had her crying on the phone. I told her I did not like to be treated like that, I was very specific. I was sweating bullets. I had to tell DH what happened when I got home. Surprisedly, he seemed proud of me. Long story short, she and I never spoke of it again, but her behavior changed 180 degrees, bullies act so nice when you finally stand up to them.
So, you take a chance as to her reaction if you have that type of talk. I don’t know if your MIL will give you the cold shoulder or knock it off. But I was at the end of my rope. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do.
Our relationship really turned for the better after this and when I had kids, but has sort of relapsed to the type of relationship we had 25 years ago. The thing is I only see her once a year and don’t care so much. Sometimes we rub each other the wrong way that she won’t even say goodbye when she leaves…haha. I’ve since realized she is a foul weathered friend. Hates it when things are going great for me.
I live 45 miles from my mom (1.5 hr by train). My brothers and sister live in CA, TX and NC. We all get together twice a year - one regular vacation and another at xmas time. I go visit my mom 1-2 times a month because she is all by herself. My siblings like to say, especially the ones at TX and NC, that it is easier for me to see my mom. No, it is not easier because it is still a lot of my time. When my mom got sick last year I ended up taking care of her because I was closer. My brother from CA would come out to see my mom few times a yea to see my mom.
I guess I am from a different culture, but I do see taking care of our parents as part of kid’s responsibility. I do give up a lot of my personal free time to do that, whereas my sister believes her hobbies (tennis and golf) come before our mother. My sister likes to say she should only do what she is willing to do, but heck, if she is not willing to do something then it means other siblings would have to pick up the slack.
This is something I just hate. Like we don’t have enough guilt in life!
Sometimes I think that elderly people go two ways. Either they get soft and fuzzy and just are sweet and happy about everything or they get very biting - even if for moments.
Another thing. I think that our parents generation don’t get the “busyness” of our lives. True, you should never be too busy for family…but you and your spouse have to decide to what degree. Did your in-laws have hobbies? My parents really didn’t do anything besides work, keep a garden and house, and raise kids. Even at your age they may have joined the couch and were not spending time being active like you are. No reason for you to stop that!
Is the drive to you getting to be too much for them?
I feel for you.
I’ve noticed my mom getting more biting lately. She’s 85. She has had a couple small health things that have made her feel “old” and she doesn’t like it. I get that. But as much as I try and support in person or over the phone it has become a chore of sorts to even call her. Last weekend when I called I tried to be pleasant and she just wouldn’t really talk. I finally said, “well, I just wanted to give you my weekend call (I do call other times too) to see how you were” and she said “OH, I only get a WEEKEND call…!” - made me feel like that poop work that starts with “S” even though it’s not true! Ahh…the GUILT!!!
I get what you are saying @oldfort but I do think that we see the IL’s quite a bit. It’s ne er enough though.
The funny thing is that when my IL’s were our age, they were busy. With friends and working and stuff. They’ve always wanted us to visit them and it was probably easier. We didn’t really have the room for visitors when the kids were young.
It’s now that the other grandkids that lived in town have grown up. And the friends have moved or died. And my fil doesn’t want to travel. And my SIL in town is busy and tired of her. That she wants us to do more.
It’s mostly that she’s so grumpy and the no filter.
I would like to say parenting our parents can be difficult, but some are easier than others. My parents (88 and 89) and my MIL (94) all live in town as do all our siblings. This allows us to get together often, usually for Sunday dinners and all family and religious event.
My husband was going through a rough time, and hadn’t called his mother (she is his step mother, but was married to his father since my husband was 13 after his mother passed away; really the only mother he has know,) She called him last week and left a voice message that he much have lost her number since she hasn’t heard from her in a couple of weeks! While I would like to blame this on her age, she did this 30 years ago. While we have been married for almost 39 years, while I would love to call her out on her behavior, I am afraid and it would cause a huge problem for my husband, so I keep my mouth shut. I speak to my mother several times a week; I don’t call my MIL much as I really don’t have much to say to her. My mother wants to hear everything about the kids and granddaughter, my MIL doesn’t ask, and doesn’t seem to care when I tell her.
Will your MIL come to you if invited? Can you invited her twice a year just so she can come for a weekend, or go visit her every 6 months? Work can be the excuse to only be there for two nights; that should be enough.
@deb922 Ugh. My mil has similarities to yours. Lately, she tells H that I never call her anymore and she has no relationship with her grandkids.
I take care of my own mom full-time and honestly have no interest in hanging on the phone with anyone. I see my own kids twice a year- she can email with them but won’t.
My feeling at this point is sorry, but you get what you get - whatever it is, it’s the most we can offer right now. (And H visits her weekly to take her shopping, although we are over an hour away.) The part that has always bothered me is her inability to address a situation with the person she has the issue with.
@deb922 - this may sound too pat but - no one can make you feel guilty without your permission. Your MIL wants more attention than is reasonable given your schedule and your husband won’t take on the job of dealing with his mom’s expectations. That really isn’t your problem but you’re making it yours. I totally understand why - we’re all so trained to make people happy but ultimately if that’s how you roll you will always be at the mercy of unreasonable demands. Life is short and yours isn’t any longer than MILs. It sounds to me as if you’re already doing what you consider to be enough. Great - then you’re doing enough and MIL can complain all she wants… but don’t subject yourself trying to get her to see reason. She won’t see reason and it isn’t your job to make her do so. Let her grumble and manage your own reaction to it.
I am fortunate to have a great MIL and she lives 5 minutes from us. Over the last 3 years she’s had health problems (she’s 91) and my husband spends a lot of time helping her and taking care of her health care. I support him as much as I can but when the work was getting too much for him I called his brother and said - something else has to happen here. We worked it out but we were only able to do so because I set the limit on what was reasonable. We all need to set limits on what we can do and respect them - and tell other people to respect them too. Truly - life is too short to be running around feeling resentful towards parents/friends/kids simply because we can’t stand up and say our own needs matter.
This is what a friend sent to my group chat,“It is easy for a mother to raise 4 children but why is it so difficult for 4 children to take care of one mother?”
The thing my mom said to me is that when she was my age, her parents were gone so she was able to enjoy her kids and her grandchildren without the worry of taking care of her parents also.
I think that is true to extent. My mil had a very dysfunctional relationship with her dad and her mom died when she was 10. She only saw her dad every 5 years or so. Her mil lived 1/2 mile away but she passed away when my oldest was a baby and no other grandchildren.
I don’t have grandkids yet but my kids are 31 and 29, my mil had 4 grandchildren by then and no parents left.
^ This is definitely part of the issue. None of our parents (mine and H’s) had to care for their own parents. We are certainly sandwiched in with young adult kids and elderly parents needing lots of care and attention.
I’ve been divorced 23 years so no inlaws to deal with, but I’m really feeling the squeeze with trying to work full time, help my parents who just moved to an apartment, get ready for my first grandbaby due in a few weeks, enjoy time with my D who lives about 50 minutes away, take care of a dog, plus work on my own home maintenance and projects. My parents are in reasonably good health, thank goodness. I see them at least once a week. They are having a moving sale at their old house this weekend and I’m not helping them. Once the house is cleaned out, I promised to clean, paint, and whatever to get it ready to sell, but I never feel like I’m doing enough.
When I was married, we lived about 150 miles away from the inlaws. My H worked a rotation where every third week he was off Fri, Sat, and Sun. My MIL kept up with this schedule and was nagging us to come visit them or they came to our house. Once they were halfway to our town before they stopped and called us to say they were coming. I had to change my weekend plans. I really resented them then, but they were always kind to me. We eventually moved back “home” and I enjoyed my relationship more after I had kids. They were always willing to babysit!
I don’t agree with much I’ve read here - the notion that elderly parents are a huge burden and we are just too busy to deal with them. They’re nagging because they love you and want to see you.
My mom died a few years after I was married, so she never knew my children, and today, I’d give my arm to spend a day with her. My husband’s parents have lived next door to us for over 20 years. He has Alzheimer’s and she has mild dementia - we have managed to keep them in their home with caretakers, but we also see them almost every day. This seems to give them a feeling of normalcy and keeps their routine. It’s a blessing to do this for them and it gives me joy to see them happy, or at least somewhat content.
While I hope that when I’m their age I’ll be independent and have a full life, who knows, and I’d like to believe that I can count on my children to gladly help me if necessary. More importantly, I’d like to be part of their lives and feel that it’s mutual.
I looked at it as there being a sweet spot - the kids were self-sufficient and my mom and the in-laws were doing fine. It lasted, I think, for about 6 months.
I was working full-time plus and my mom was not doing well. It was all we could do to keep things together, but H and I and my siblings all knew that it was only a matter of time. We ‘kids’ swapped off being with mom every evening and a good part of each Saturday and Sunday. Sure, she was getting good care, but I guess I felt it was something I needed to do. It was about 2 years from her first illness to the end. In that time, we took a couple of very short vacations away. It was horrible for my mental health and in retrospect I should have taken a leave from work.
H and I decided to retire last year (18 mths after my mom passed away). His parents aren’t well, but with two of them it’s a bit easier. We did a big trip, but will wait for much more away time. They’ve given us a lot, so we do what we can now. We figure we have another 30 years to ourselves. My mom was very involved with her mother and her in-laws and my in-laws did for their parents as well. We hope we’re modeling for our future elder years and the girls.
All I can really add is take care of yourself, get your siblings to do something, anything, go away for a week or so every couple of months, but know it will have an end. Do a rota with phone calls with the siblings, maybe get your kids to call every couple of weeks (we had an online schedule).
@deb922 My mom passed a year and half ago, but the 7 years prior to that were consumed with caring for her and my dad. I learned many lessons, but perhaps the biggest is what @Hoggirl alluded to. Put another way:
B.O.U.N.D.A.R.I.E.S.
Set them.
These aging parents will eat you alive if you let them. They will take whatever you give them, and then want more and more. You have to decide what you are willing to give of your time, attention and energy, and then you have to stick to that. Be as calm and matter-of-fact as you can. Don’t explain, don’t apologize, don’t back down. Simply repeat your boundary over and over. “We can’t come that weekend.” “We can’t come that weekend.” “We can’t come that weekend.”
And don’t expect them to like it. They will fuss, and accuse, and lay guilt trips on you, and complain to other family members about you, and you have to stick to your guns anyway. It’s the only way you’ll get through it.
Finally, set your boundaries early on (like now). It’s a whole lot harder to do it later.
Oh, but I do find myself saying to girls sometimes that I haven’t seen them in a while.