The sandwich generation refers to people raising minor children while taking care of aging parents. They’re juggling work schedules, childcare demands, and the needs of parents. That doesn’t sound like the situation you’re in.
It’s great that you’re having a fun time with your empty nest. If you’re comfortable that the behavior you’re modeling is what you want your kids doing when you’re in your 80’s then I wouldn’t worry about it. Have your husband explain to his parents that you see them as often as you can. Repeat as necessary.
I understand that maybe I sounded selfish to some posters.
But I also think that we are allowed to do things and enjoy ourselves.
It’s March, we have seen my il’s 3 times. They are in good health, there are 2 of them. We live 2 hours away
We also have jobs, and other obligations. We have far flung family that we want to visit and there are other things we want to do. As it is, in the last 5 years we have taken 2 vacations that aren’t visiting family. We also have a house to take care of.
If in my 80’s my kids came to visit me every month, I would be ecstatic. Especially if I still had my husband and my health.
To me this post was a vent and wanting advice when an older adult is throwing tantrums and how to handle them while keeping the peace. My H does not want strife and fighting in his family. It’s not how my family handles things. It’s hard being married to this other family and their different ways of handling conflict. My H’s family is to let mom get what she wants because that’s easier.
I tried to let my H handle his mom, she wanted to know if I was mad at her. No, but in 30+ years of marriage, I am positive my H has never called my mom or dad when he was alive.
@deb922 , You do NOT sound selfish at all. Everyone of us have different termperaments, different types of in-laws, relationships, responsibilities and lives. You’ve visited them 3 times since the beginning of the year and you live 2 hours away? That’s great in my book!! I’d be thrilled if my kids came to see me once a month when I’m that age (heck, or even now). After reading your post, I don’t think my advice would be much help. I was much younger and perhaps bolder when I had my little “talk” with her. And she was much younger, too.
We were often targets of the guilting with my parents and FIL. I hope never to do that or say things. I’m mindful of it now, not guilting or making my kids feel bad in that way. I read once and I agree that generally parents love their children more than the children love their parents. Every little thing they have done, are doing now and in the future is so important to us. They are our inner circle. We…are on their periphery. I think of my children several times, every single day. I highly doubt it’s the same with them. As long as we remember that, and want them to WANT to hang with us…no guilt in phone calls, comments, but be happy and cheerful when they do call or visit, then the likelihood of them wanting to be around us will increase. That’s my view anyway,
You are doing nothing wrong. Something you might want to try is to interrupt her as soon as she starts in. Not mean, just a “oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you this…”, or something like that. Cut her off with a story or question. The cutting off is more for your sake than just trying to shut her up. It’s so you won’t have to cringe through the whole thing.
I used to have a very close relationship with my MIL. Since her own D divorced and moved home, it has changed. I used to call MIL and chat often, but she is now very hard of hearing, resistant to hearing aids and it is impossible to have a phone conversation with her. Up until about 10 or so years ago, the kids would still stay over at her house often, at least the 2 oldest, who are now 27 and 28. I put a stop to that when SIL moved back because she is a substance abuser. MIL lives about 20 minutes from us but is 94 and no longer drives. I have also pretty much given up driving as well. Therefore, I would say that I saw MIL about a half dozen times last year. However, I shop for her at Costco and online, handle her bills and help H oversee her in home care. If SIL left, I would definitely go there more often but I am tired of being sniped at and told by MIL’s aides that I should be so happy that SIL raised my kids for me while I chose to have a career! I also encourage H to drive me to work occasionally because his mom lives about 10 minutes from where he drops me off and I tell him to visit her on those days. I often buy something for her so that he will have a specific reason to stop by. In addition, I encourage him to call her every day. He’s hard of hearing, too, so they just kind of yell at each other over speaker phone and it’s oddly amusing.
My own parents died about 10 years ago, No love lost. I hadn’t seen them in 10 years before they passed. They chose to move 3000 miles away knowing I had young children.
As for OP - maybe you can plan a once in a lifetime family getaway, with your kids, your mom, IL’s and all the sibs? I am thinking of doing that, although I don’t know if MIL can travel.
I’ve compelled myself to IGNORE these unrealistic expectations and overbearing expressed demands. You can’t change your MIL, but you can deflect her, to quietly refuse to oblige her. You can only modify your own responses, so I’d quietly, without announcement, stop responding to her provocations. Ignore them.
My mother expects her adult kids to live within walking distance of my parents’ house. She expects to “have” all holidays and birthdays, sans her kids in-laws, otherwise fireworks. She expects daily calls and her daily visits, meaning 24/7 access to her kids homes, sends my father to “enforce” her expectations and demands. She expects to tag-along on her kids’ vacations and outings, demands weekly “all-family” dinners, etc. And she’s not pleasant company. Openly rude to me, us, our in-laws and friends. I finally needed to establish quite normal, long overdue boundaries, to create some semblance of privacy, to allow our own conventional family life without my narcisstic mother as Queen Bee.
This. Especially the inner circle/periphery difference.
I didn’t understand it until I had grown kids of my own, but it explains why a parent is eager to hear all the details about a child’s new car, new boss, or new living room furniture, while a child would go stark raving nuts if subjected to similar detail about things going on in the life of the parent.
Exactly! I read an article written by a Mom that said there is nothing her kids do that doesn’t fascinate her and she wants to know everything!! You are saying the exact same thing!
Another thing that makes us laugh is how we never understood our parents and the ecvitement they felt when we called, one getting on the other line (which drive me crazy always). So, now we are the ones feeling the same excitement when they call, a certain glee!
We learned to ‘Divide and Conquer’. H went to FIL 1000 miles away and I to my mother’s 1500 miles away. H learned to not argue with FIL by not answering or changing the subject. I actually ignored and went for a walk when my mother tried to argue.
I make it a conscious effort not to do to my kids what our parents did to us with the guilt. I respect that our grown kids have a life, and wish that they choose to use what little time they have off for R&R. If that is to visit us, great, If not, then that’s great, too.
I do understand it better since I’ve had my kids, especially now I see my mother getting older. I make time for her by taking her shopping and just listen to whatever she wants to tell me. I am lucky that my mother still has quite a bit of her own social life.
Getting old sucks, and it is even worse when you are alone.
My mom has always had an unwritten rule that we will all be together at Christmas. She has learned to ease up a bit and not expect it on Christmas day, though it had better be sometime that week.
My in laws are cool. They have the attitude that we will get together when we get together. If that is at the holiday time great, if not then we will shoot for July and that will be great, too.
My kids have made their favorites known by whom they choose to call and visit. I want to be like my in laws and am trying hard to not have too many expectations on my kids surrounding holidays and other things.
OP @deb922 - you are NOT being selfish. I lost both my parents at the same time at 24 - before I was married. It was HORRIBLE, and I miss them all the time. But, I see my friends caring for aging parents, and it is a huge struggle. They often act like toddlers, but the difference is you know they aren’t going to age out of that behavior.
My mil is a delight, but my fil was a big ol’ PITA. I couldn’t stand being around him. We lived 2 hours and 45 minutes away and probably saw them six times a year. That was plenty. More than I wanted to, but I do think (outside of an abusive situation) people sort of have an obligation to spend time with family. We moved 1,000 miles away last February and had seen them twice before fil passed away suddenly in August, Our expectations had been that we would see them probably four times a year after we moved farther away. That will likely be the case going forward - seeing mil four times a year or so.
I think a lot of it is what you are accustomed to in your own family. My mom lived fairly far away from her own mother and probably saw her two or three times per year. That is “normal,” to me. Ds is now on the opposite coast. As long as he is that distance, I think seeing him two-three times per year is reasonable. If he were closer, yes, I would expect to see him more often. But, I would hope that I wouldn’t guilt him into that.
At the distance you are, I think seeing them 4 - 6 times per year is reasonable. But, you reap what you sow, and if they aren’t pleasant to be around, would definitely lean toward the lower end of that.
I totally get what you are saying about your dh. My dh would never, ever stand up to his dad. Avoiding confrontation had clearly been a coping mechanism for him as he was growing up. Drawing any boundary felt disrespectful to him. I don’t think that is healthy, but it’s hard to undo the dynamics from one’s family of origin.
Thanks Hoggirl! I was like your DH with my Dad…I could never stand up to him. I did a couple times after I had kids, and there was payment, I can tell you that! I had to do it, but he had narcissistic tendencies, so it was my issues…not him. I hate to say it, but life is easier now that he is gone.
I hear you @deb922. My dad is one of the lovely older people who never complains but my mom is one minor medical complaint after the other coupled with not being able to stop talking, repeating stories, and mild memory troubles. Plus the guilt trips about ‘why don’t the grandkids return my phone calls?’ (because you talk at them for half an hour and get mad when they try to cut the call short?) and ‘why do you only want to visit for 5 days and not for a whole 2 weeks?’ (please be happy that my husband will even agree to come for 5 days, thanks). Thankfully on my end they live near my sister so she gets most of it.
I’m wondering if you’d have any success with encouraging your MIL to get more involved in senior activities in her community? (It hasn’t worked so far with my mom but …). Maybe if she had more friends or activities locally she wouldn’t be so desperate for your company all of the time.
Anyway, best wishes to you. I think it’s also fair for your husband to take on more of the phone secretary role. Just because you are the woman doesn’t mean you have to be the social secretary. He could plan to call his mom once a week or once every 2 weeks or so.
@deb922 - can relate to a lot of this. H and I live 800 miles from both of our widowed mothers (mine is in assisted living- Alzheimer’s), his sisters and my brother. We have one child about 1000 miles away and one living in London. We both work full time. My sister lives about 800 miles from mom, but sadly, not near me.
After traveling “back home” 15 times in 2 years, I decided that I needed to cut back. I plan to take 4 trips there this year barring anything unusual. I just cannot keep this up. My sister (17 trips in 2 years) feels the same. It is unsustainable. I kept my fingers crossed during the last two years that I would not get sick because I was draining my PTO days. I hate to put a price on things, but each trip means airfare, rental car, hotel, meals, to the tune of about $1000/trip. My sister and I sometimes go at the same times (sharing rental car and hotel), but we also like to stagger the trips so mom has company more often. Our brother who lives and works 5 minutes away from mom does not “get” it. He does not understand why I’m not there more often.
Thankfully my MIL is sweet and thankful when we are able to visit and with a lot of her family nearby she really isn’t lonely although she misses H, me and our kids. BTW, our kids travel there as much as possible.
It’s just very hard. We do the best we can trying to visit the moms and our own kids. But I still deal with the guilt.
@Gourmetmom , I don’t think it’s that the OP sees her MIL as a burden because she is old, but because she is unkind and demanding. Those are tough qualities to deal with in a person of any age. Some people just suck all the joy out of life, no matter what their age. It sounds like this is what @deb922 is dealing with.
While my personal faith requires me to honor my elderly mother and MIL, this means meeting practical care needs with grace and kindness, but it does not mean putting up with abusive behavior. I don’t know about @deb922 's life philosophy, but it sounds to me as if she, too, is figuring out how to balance showing respect and concern without being a doormat.
Some of us really do have awful, abusive, or cruel family members that are outside the norm.