I think we all speak to this based on our experiences, it can sound cold to talk of boundaries and limits if your little old people are sweet and a wonderful part of your life. I had toxic in laws, they were vastly more damaging to DH than to me, but I’ve dealt with that damage for 40 years! There was never enough we could do for or with them. Once we earned a cruise via business, it was a cruise sponsored by the business and with others who also earned, there were daily activities and meals with the fellow work related cruisers. The in laws surprised us by booking themselves on the same cruise, I was kinda glad we had no choice to spend time away from the business stuff. One summer we were at their place for a month, as we left they complained that they don’t see enough of us. My entire life improved when I stopped falling for the manipulations and told DH that we will do the right thing, but on our terms, no more sacrificing our timing to do what they want when they want it. instead we visited often, way more often than any of my sibs visited my parents, but when it worked best for us. This was a life saver.
Their last 18 months were true hell, the broken hip, the move to rehab, to SNF, to B&C, to hospice etc., the repeated phone calls, the threats, the unwillingness of the AL/IL/SNF place to help us with boundaries, it was horrible.
On the other hand, I always had a fantastic relationship with my folks, but since Dad died, my mother is over the top needy, moved in with us and was still afraid to be alone. I could have quit my entire life for ten years and sat holding her hand, she’s still be afraid. Now she has dementia and we are in a rough phase, but again, I do my best to do the right thing, but will continue to set boundaries, even though now they are tiny. I am ever so grateful that my retired sister will now watch our mother twice a year when I travel for business and sis is completely empathetic due to those experiences.
So many of us seem to go with one extreme or the other: selfless devotion or resentment and “reasons” not to (want to) meet the parents’ wants. Might help to find the middle ground. You can’t be “all” right, all the time, whether that’s one extreme of giving up your own life, or the other, “My wants are more important to me.”
It was important to me to model the behavior I hope for, when I’m old and cranky, or worse. But not let my mother’s/mil’s needs dominate. Balance. And since I hope our kids don’t resent us when we’re older, I tried to keep resentment out of my kids’ earshot.
I disagree this is about MIL’s love for OP. It may just be she wants the attention. First step might be figuring how to give her that, on terms amenable to you. Phone calls are easy to plan, have notes on what you want to update her on or ask her about. Short is fine.
Try to find that work around. Send postcards, a small gift, make the calls. Ten minutes out of your life, a total hour/month, whatever.
(Depends, but I found cards, small gifts, flowers, etc, were somthing they could hold or look at, tangible, “evidence.” And if they’re beyond that, dementia meaning they forget in 5 minutes, then it’s beyond your control to change them. That could reduce guilt, but you’d know you tried and do stay in touch.)
But, no spouse truly needs to share so much that it brings you down. When it’s inlaws, he could spare you.
^I have a girlfriend who figured out just calling her mom daily on her way home from work did a LOT to reduce the guilt trips her mother was placing on her. She said it was the best thing she’d ever done to help with that!
After umpteen trips to see my mom, we finally insisted that she move nearer to us, and helped make that happen. We had two kids in high school, and good jobs, so us moving wasn’t an option. It was a hard move for her, but was the right thing. She only lived eight months after that move… it we were all able to see her as often as we could…sometimes everyday for weeks. And we could go to doctors things, and take her shopping.
Was she always sweet? No. But I think she was happy to be nearby.
We had encouraged such a move for years…but she just wouldn’t do it. Finally…she did.
@deb922 DH and I had less than two years empty nesting when my mother had a major medical crisis and moved in with us. Once she moved out, we had maybe eighteen months before he ended up moving 500 miles away for work. Good for you two working to make the most of your time together.
My mother has maintained a negative, ungrateful, and controlling attitude throughout my entire life. I absolutely do not owe her the compliance and level of interaction she wants from me. I do owe myself, my husband, and my sons the class and compassion to care for her as best I can in a way that respects all of us.
@Massmomm #39 I bow.
@HouseChatte, I’d swear we had the same mother, except mine passed away 34 years ago, right after my first child was born. It was a relief.
This post should probably go under the “get it off your chest” thread.
I’m wishing right now I could return to the very mild kidding type guilt trips from my dad to visit. I came home (4 hours away)for a fun weekend type visit which turned suddenly into a medical crises. I’ve been here almost 3 weeks now. 3 sick days at home, Hospital for 10 days. Discharged home with flu. Back to ER. Can’t even get to follow up visits.
So worn out and drained. Both dad,sister (takes us both) and me.
I was supposed to be enjoying a free weekend at the Ritz this weekend. And go to a wedding. And I’ll miss future events too.
But my dad deserves personal attention. He’s truly one of the most considerate, loving persons I know. He wouldn’t have a chance if we weren’t here.
But If I had kids at home or a job or had an unsupportive H this wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t work at all if dad was an abusive type. I couldn’t take that. Not sure it would work if I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. But it sure would be easier if we lived closer.
Thanks to everyone who was so supportive and got what I was taking about.
H and I took a day out for his hobby and we had a great time. It was nice to be together and forget the stresses of our daily lives.
Again, I know that taking about your parents or in laws is very subjective and every opinion is formed by that persons experience.
But my mil is throwing what I can only describe as temper tantrums that are getting more frequent and meaner as she is aging. She is downright mean to her other DIL, my SIL’s parents don’t want to be around her because she is so mean to them.
I am a person who tries to get along with everyone and not fight. This is about more than the frequency of our visits, it’s also about understanding from her and appreciation of what her kids do.
My H has very thick skin and what anyone says to him, he’s not that affected by. I wish and need to emulate him. As he said, you know how much she loves her dog. Of course, she has these tantrums and goes off on people all the time. Her son is great at ignoring them.
((( @deb922 )))
I understand. I am such a “pleaser,” and it makes it hard for me not to care what others say to me or think of me. I want people to like me. I think I am fairly likeable!! I bet you are likeable, too! You dh has developed that thick skin and that ability to ignore her over his entire life. It was a coping mechanism for him. I feel so bad for you - my fil was really the only thing dh and I ever fought about. I can remember him telling me one time, “I can’t make my father behave.” Logically I knew that was true, but that didn’t mean I wished he could!
I am glad you and your dh had a great time today. Don’t feel bad about taking time for yourselves and putting your marriage first. That’s how it’s supposed to be.
@deb922 —just a thought—since this appears age related
It can easily be a brain chemical imbalance that she has no actual control over. Its not uncommon. That can be from age, disease, illness (check for UTI—that can cause hallucinations even) Think about differences in past and present behavior carefully before making a blanket judgement.
That doesn’t keep sharp remarks from hurting but realize the possibility that it isn’t a personal attack but rather illness. There isn’t a need to defend yourself or argue with her. Maybe that approach will help with the frustration .
I’m late to the discussion but will chime in to say I hear ya.
My ILs passed away, but when alive were terribly needy and had lots of opinions. My folks are easier, but also sicker, so I want to be with them more to help out.
My mom was diagnosed with ALZ when my DD was 8. My parents lived in the same town. I helped caregive for ten years. Went to therapy for years to set boundaries for myself as it was absolutely never enough. I was there every other day and more if there was a crisis.
My father always complained about how my mom cared for her parents. First off, my mom didn’t start caregiving for her parents until she was in her 60s, her children were grown, and she and my father were fully retired. I was in my 30s and my DH travelled most of the time. Not the same situation.
When DD was 18, DH lost his job, and the new job took us OOS. I now live 1000 miles away, and mom is in a memory care unit. I go visit every other month with my brother going in between. Other family live near by. I call every day. My dad complains incessantly, even when we are there. He wants me to move to him. Bottom line is that I’m not willing to sacrifice my marriage. Kind of crazy that he would expect me to.
I’ve had a very difficult relationship with both my parents my whole life. Alcoholism, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, etc… Its also been a struggle and now more so. I just continue to do what I can to be sure they are safe, while still taking care of my own emotional needs. The trying to make them happy ship sailed long ago. That just will never happen.
One part is our own dealings with difficult elders. The other can be when our spouse brings home complaints or frustrations to unload on us.
i would not discount anyone’s feeling on this thread because we all come from a different place and set of circumstances. Families are complicated!!!
My mom lives a little less than an hour from us and I would say that I see her 3 times a month. I work full time so that means probably 3 weekends a month I give up a Saturday - or a good part of it. My dad has died 25 years ago so I’ve been doing this a long time.
Some weeks I’m not in a very pleasant mood knowing I need to give up some precious free time. She is an active person physically but not socially and really doesn’t have many interests. So often visiting her means taking her to the grocery store (fine), helping her with her yard (fine), sitting around the house (drives me crazy!) In a weeks time I don’t feel like I have that much to talk about!
But more recently I realize that she often has NO one to talk to. And I’ll be honest, even if my dad was alive it would still be lonely to be older and more limited. To mom, family is EVERYTHING. She has lived this way her whole life and it is what is most important to her.
I think my mom is entering a stage where “how much time do I have left” is on her mind A LOT.
This weekend I gave her the choice of me picking her up and coming here for Saturday (she prefers not to spend the night) or I could come up and have dinner with her Sunday. She decided to come down here “if it wasn’t a bother to get her” because “I just want to spend time with you. If you come tomorrow night I only get to see you a couple hours”. I have to say, this all broke my heart a bit. She just wants time with us!
I try to find some middle ground. If mom is visiting here, I need to act and convey that I may need or want to still do some of my own things - whether that is clean my bathroom or go for a run. Can you and your H still go play your round of golf or whatever @deb922 if the parents are visiting? Or go do something on your own when you’re visiting them?
My mom has bouts of being not too pleasant too. I swear it’s often the first 1/2 hour of a visit or the first few minutes of a phone call. I think it’s her getting out her unsatisfaction of older life for a bit. She usually mellows out.
I think we have to get past the thought that we “owe” time with each other and find a place where both sides feel like they are getting and giving to a point they are comfortable with. In the end, time together - best served on good terms - is all we have.
My biggest fear about getting old (well, one of them) is being all alone and not having anyone to talk to.
My g/f, just 71 years old, is putting down $1000 to hold her place in an independent facility. This place has all levels of care. The first few buildings are already full, hence, they are starting another. For $10,000, she can select her room from the floor plans.
People who have been social act that way, whether in independent or ALF. The loners don’t take part in activities, and even avoid going to the DR for dinner. I’ve met many who come alive when a family member visits.
I’ve always been struck by the expectations differing for son’s vs daughters. If a local son comes 1-2x a month, the resident considers that a lot. Some DDs try to visit daily and set an impossible standard. If they stay 2 hours, the parent wants 3. I’ve had wives and daughters stay past dinner time, neglecting themselves and household obligations.
We all know how to set boundaries. It’s doing so with a smile and not with guilt nor anger. Of course, all this changes depending upon the character of the parent (or spouse).
From the minute I moved out of my home to a location about an hour away (at 24 when I got married), every phone conversation with my mother for the next 30 years (until her death) consisted almost exclusively of her complaining that I never visit. It was relentless and frankly didn’t make me want to visit her any more often then I did. My father, now widowed and living in an assisted living facility, calls every day and just talks. No begging me to visit. I know he is safe, cared for, and has company where he lives, so I don’t have to worry about him.
We all do what we can, juggling caring for our children, ourselves (and spouses), and our parents. Prioritize what you need to do according to your own ideas (not anybody else).
My struggle is realizing we will always be responsible for our son with schizophrenia. Worrying about my parents on top of that responsibility seems overwhelming at times.
@kiddie, that is my MIL! Every single conversation for the past 30+ years is when are you going to visit.
I appreciate all of these responses, I’ve had some time to digest them and to really think. I’ve been manipulated by her for so long that I need to reaccess how I approach things.
Sons v daughters @bookworm that is something I’ve been thinking about. And how my SIL and I are blamed for decisions that our husbands make.
Over Christmas, my sister dropped a huge pan of sauce. Both of my kids and my dil jumped up to clean up the mess. Both my mom and my mil called me to specifically point out how helpful my son is and how he’s become such a great adult. My mom just brought this up this week. I got a little testy and said BOTH of the kids helped and both of the kids have become great adults. My mom said, well I guess I shouldn’t have mentioned it. She totally missed the point. That just because he’s a man, it’s doesn’t mean that his help is any better than any other.
I read something this week that March is a hard month because we are so tired of the weather and lack of being outside that we are grumpier. Maybe that’s me, I’m grumpy. And honestly, my mil was making up stuff in her mind to yell at her son because she’s mad about her dog. And the best she could come up with was that we need to visit more. At least she said it to her son, because he’s the one who is protective of his off time and wants to be home. Which she knows and she is exactly the same.
@abasket, my mil is very annoyed when you go off when you are visiting or they come. Unless we want to do what she wants, no can do. We go to bil’s cabin and she complains when we do things that don’t specifically include her. And she and her husband have nothing to do. But what they want to do is sit around and “visit”. And she wants to dominate the conversation and give opinions.
My mil has plenty to do. They belong to the Y, she’s on several charity boards. She helps out at a charity shop. She has bridge clubs and has companions to walk with. She does a lot of work on her garden. She’s not sitting around all the time not talking to anyone. I think she is jealous of her friends who do a lot with their daughters. She’s very jealous about the relationship people have with daughters and is resentful (mostly) of my sil’s relationship with her parents and all that she does for them.
This has been helpful, thanks. My husband and daughter don’t want to hear about it.
^^^ One of the best things about CC is the ability to sound off and often, not be alone in our situations. 
Well, after your last post I will have to agree that your MIL is being unreasonable! Sounds like she would still like to run the show. I’ve been without a MIL for 22 years and will admit, she had some of the tendencies you mention.
I hope you and your H found some time to enjoy something fun this weekend!