This is a very interesting thread. I do think everyone’s situation is different and I prefer to not assume there are general “shoulds” for any of us.
My mom was one of those who thought we never visited enough, when the kids were growing up. My parents lived about 50 minutes away and they would drive up to see games or shows or for lunch, etc. My ILs were 2 hours away and not as mobile so we did end up seeing them when we drove down for a weekend. My mom got into the game of “we see you often for short things, but they see you for a whole weekend,” like it was a contest.
My current situation is really not related to toxic parents at all. Once I moved them near me to an assisted living place, it was great to visit often and drop by. We had a nice relationship. Now both have had medical issues and hospitalizations (4-5 in the last 5 years?) and they are very needy in that I have to do their laundry, pay their bills, manage all doc appointments, buy all their toiletries, etc.
If you read the Parents Caring for the Parents thread you know that they now need memory care, so until that is arranged, I am on constant call to come over and “talk them down” when they are overly confused etc.
My issue is, what is realistic and appropriate? I have 2 friends who both QUIT THEIR JOBS because managing their parents consumed so much time and energy. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered this. But I can’t imagine giving up the one thing that gives me satisfaction and making my life 90% about caring for parents and 10% being in my marriage.
Maybe that sounds cold and not how a child should be. My folks would be so upset if they knew how much their care drained me. So I do remember that when I can’t always answer the phone or I have to have paid aides with them.
“People who have been social act that way, whether in independent or ALF. The loners don’t take part…” Wow. theres a message in there, a great thinking point as we age. We can exercise our social options, make them our own patterns, practice. Can’t hurt to try.
My gm got more difficult as she got older, excruciatingly so. But her mantra was I (we) could visit her any time we wanted. In my mind, I felt welcome. How different than being criticized outright.
How interesting about sons.
So, deb, right now I hope you can catch your breath, make the right decisions for you, your marriage, your kids. Sure, send a postcard. But if you’re at your limit, I understand. And, there’s nothing wrong with doing your own thing when visiting. I did need to mention it early in a visit, let her get used to the idea.
This is important information. I wouldn’t burden your daughter with complaints about your in-laws. What I would do is let your husband handle his parents. He can take the phone calls. He can do the majority of the visits. If you do go visit your in-laws together take a walk after dinner or whatever else it is you like to do. You don’t have to spend every minute with them. And if they complain, let him deal with it.
Ugh. Sorry you are going through this but there are strength in numbers. We live in same town as my FIL (MIL passed away - lovely lady, was one of my best friends I miss her). My parents are 3 hours away and cherish their time alone and enjoy seeing us 7-8 times a year. Perfect.
My FIL gets angry that we don’t have him over once a week for a sit down dinner (catering to him) but he does not realize that with 4 kids in 4 different directions with school, sports and other activities we only have dinner once a week together ourselves. And sorry but that immediate family time is sacred. My BIL lives 5 hours away with both kids in college, lots of free time and money. He has not visited in two years. But we get to hear it. He wants to know what we are constantly doing and when, then tells other people in town things we have shared with him but do not want him to share with others. So we do not talk to him about anything anymore but basic things like the weather, and positive upbeat things that we do not mind the world knowing.
I personally shut down about 3 years ago, when after 22 years of a great marriage to his son and mother of his 4 grandchildren he told me (in front of my husband during a disagreement) that I was “not part of the family”. My SIL and I used to joke that he would always refer to us as the “women his son(s) married” but I guess we were right on track there. My husband is great and totally supports me and is annoyed by him as well but it is getting worse not better. He is 85 so I know its not forever but wish it were different.