<p>My DS texted me last night and said he is planning to propose to his girlfriend soon. They are both teachers and are not very well established yet financially. I had offered my own mother’s diamond ring to him if he ever wanted to give it to his intended. He was extremely close to his grandmother. The diamond is a very high quality half carat size. My own ring is a three quarter carat, and I tend to only wear it when I’m somewhat dressed up because honestly, it gets in the way. Do young women nowadays really expect a giant rock? </p>
<p>My sense of this young lady is that she will appreciate the sentimentality of receiving his beloved grandmother’s ring, but he fears disappointing her. I don’t understand his concern and suspect it is a “guy” thing to want to wow your bride. He is going to call me later today and I want to assure him that he should give her mom’s ring. But honestly, I have no idea what modern brides really think. Comments?</p>
<p>She may want to personalize it more, maybe with another setting eventually, but I think most young women would be honored by the association to a woman that was important to him.
Of course, I generally am not a wearer of jewelry. I have one daughter who is, but she goes for handcrafted pieces she has collected on her travels ( or look like they were), not large precious gemstones.</p>
<p>Congrats, junie!!! How exciting!! There are some beautiful settings available now, and perhaps he can have the stone set in a new setting. I am sure it will look gorgeous!!</p>
<p>** ETA-- Don’t know if this is good or bad, but FWIW, Miley Cyrus’s fiance’ (are they still engaged?) used a vintage stone. I will offer my grandmothers stone to my s (whichever wants it first-- looks like s #1). Its about a carat, maybe a little less, IIRC. I wear my mom’s rings and my own. Not ready to part with either of them yet.</p>
<p>It just depends. She may want her own ring, which might be a different cut of diamond. Most of the women I knew when we were all getting married wanted to pick out their own diamonds. I personally didn’t care and would have been fine if my DH had selected one for me. But I was in the minority.</p>
<p>She may well like the ring, but I wouldn’t just assume she wants to wear someone else’s ring.</p>
<p>Will it upset you if she prefers to have the ring reset or changed in any way?</p>
<p>It’s really up to the couple. My SIL did not want a diamond, for example. I wanted a simple very high quality diamond, and the size was not an issue as much as the clarity. My other SIL doesn’t even have an engagement ring; they bought their wedding rings at a street fair. So "modern brides’ really is a general category, and does not address the specifics of an individual.</p>
<p>I think it’s wonderful that you offered this ring/stone, but it’s up to them as to whether they want it and if you truly give it to them, be aware that they can do what they please with it. I know some folks who are still sick about what was done to family jewelry. It never occurred to them that the recipient, a dearly beloved son, daughter, grandchild, would sell it, dismantle it, melt it down. If you have stipulations, you had better start getting them on the table. Also, as a warning, I have a friend whose son’s marriage only lasted a couple of years, and the ex DIL kept the ring which was something dear to my friend. Marriages don’t always last. Rather than getting into a situation with a ring, either give it up without an strings attached and understand it could get hocked, put the stipulations in writing being aware that they can still be broken–ring can just get lost or “lost”. A lot of grief with heirlooms and keepsakes when they get passed down while the giver who feels s/he is giving a much cherished has done so to someone who does not feel the same way.</p>
<p>cpt makes a good point. I’ve been advised to wait for a granddaughter and give the stone to her. But then again, the jewelry is just sitting in a box. It would be nice for someone to get some use out of it. I could have it reset (its currently in a necklace that isnt my taste) but it was my moms necklace and has some sentimental value.</p>
<p>How upset would you be if the ring was lost in a divorce?</p>
<p>I would ask her what she wants. It is something she would be wearing everyday. This is one place where I wouldn’t put my own value on someone else. When my sister was getting married, both she and her H were associates at major law firms, so he could have afforded a nice ring for her. My sister also wanted a large, nice quality ring and would have been happy to contribute if necessary. My BIL’s family told him it would be wasteful to spend so much money on a ring, so he got the ring his family told him to get. Needless to say, my sister was really disappointed and never wore the ring that much. The ring got lost during one of their moves and it has since been replaced. </p>
<p>I would offer it, but I would let the couple decide what they want to do without getting hurt or be judgmental.</p>
<p>It really, really depends. My partner and I are engagement ring shopping right now and I actually want lab created sapphire and CZ rather than diamonds. Non-diamond engagement rings are becoming more and more popular according to jewelers. Many in my generation grew up knowing about blood diamonds and because of that, some are shying away from diamonds or using alternatives like cz or estate jewelry. IMO, it’s something they should at least somewhat discuss before hand. After all, she has to wear it every day.</p>
<p>Knowing absolutely nothing about her, I seriously doubt she’d be disappointed by the size. If she’s a teacher marrying a teacher, I don’t think she’s after the big buck lifestyle ;). If she is disappointed, that would be a big red flag IMO.</p>
<p>Fwiw, they can always upgrade later on life. My mom’s engagement/wedding ring was an extremely simple gold band because it’s what they could afford. My dad got her another one a few years ago that was much “nicer” because they were more financially stable. Just a thought :)</p>
<p>My grandmother left a rather large and, by my standards, ostentatious ring to me and my cousin. From MY part of this ring, my two sons received diamonds which they had re-set to give to their now-wives. My daughters-in-law loved that the diamonds came from their husbands’ great grand-mother. </p>
<p>My D and her BF (soon-to be fiance’) recently went ring shopping. Her thought before they went shopping was that she would prefer something rather small and simple. HOWEVER, what they chose is not that “small and simple”—but he has the means to purchase it, so it’s a good thing. Makes me a little nervous, though, about her taste in weddings! :)</p>
<p>As others have said, have them discuss it. My oldest son definitely talked about it with his (now) wife before he had the ring set for her and surprised her with it. Same thing with son #2…but they DID surprise them when they proposed…</p>
<p>Whether a girl expects a giant rock really depends on the girl. And what the above posters said is so true. </p>
<p>My mother recently gave away all her diamonds to my sister and me. My sister got her wedding ring set. I really hope my sister keeps it and doesn’t give it to her son to give to his girlfriend. The marriage may not last and my mother’s ring would be out of the family. I hope she give it to her daughter. Diamonds are a matrilineal thing. ha.</p>
<p>Your son and his girlfriend should agree on a budget for the ring. Your son doesn’t want to look like a cheapskate and get a ring the girl wouldn’t want to wear. Neither does he want to signal to his new wife-to-be that he may be a spendthrift. </p>
<p>They should buy what they can afford now and the stone can be upgraded as the years go by.</p>
<p>I am not a big jewelry wearer. We were not financially strong. But I wanted a ring at least one carat since that is the only jewelry I would be wearing for at least 50 years to come so I told my future husband. I let him know that I didn’t care if it was a perfect diamond or even it had a chip in it! I just wanted a nice big ring. And I am still wearing it. So, everyone has different priorities… mine are just really shallow. :)</p>
<p>DH gave me a diamond solitaire when he proposed. I was able to choose another setting when we shopped for wedding rings together. It was a 3/4 carat diamond that was large in our social circle in the 80’s (new teachers at the time). </p>
<p>For our 10 year anniversary, DH reset my diamond in an upgraded setting. Fast forward to the present, with two kids in college, we wouldn’t even think of spending big $ on a ring.</p>
<p>So, my advice is, your son should spend what he feels comfortable spending and a little bit more. Its a special purchase he’ll never make again (yes, I’m a romantic).</p>
<p>My MIL had an ugly wedding set (IMO) and I would not have wanted it (it was not offered). It would have been awkward if either she or my mother offered up their wedding/engagement jewelry, as they were clusters of diamonds with the engagement ring and wedding ring intertwined as one. i wanted a plain rose gold wedding band, and I wanted a simple solitaire for my engagement diamond, two distinct rings. I guess those combos were in style in the 50s as both mothers, with very different tastes have that same style. So taste does come into the picture. </p>
<p>But like Jym does not want to change her heirloom necklace settings much as she does not like the way they look right now, for sentimental and family history reasons, so do many of us feel about jewelry. If I’d removed and used the stones from MIL and my mother’s rings, and had them totally retooled, they would have been very, very upset. </p>
<p>Do be aware that someone might want to just melt down the settings and reuse the stone in a whole other way. That can hurt when someone so says.</p>
<p>I did the one-caret thing as it was a nice, round number. Sometimes I think that a couple of ounces of gold or platinum would have just as much wow factor.</p>
<p>Slightly off topic, but have to share a story of what NOT to do. H proposed, but figured that I would have an opinion as to the cut of the stone (which was true.) So the night he proposed he gave me a “joke” ring…a cheap fake…in his mind, something huge. But the truth was, most of my friends had stones at least as big as the “joke” ring. At that point I knew that my real diamond would be quite small. Don’t give a joke ring.</p>
<p>[Due to that and a few other very bad choices, H botched the proposal so badly that I truly almost broke up with him the next day. I’m not one who likes complex or public proposals…but the proposal story at least needs to be one she can tell her parents and friends.]</p>
<p>Given the jewelry is purely status symbol spending, how a couple handles this relative to their financial means could be an indicator of future financial sustainability of their household.</p>
<p>Of course, even if one is inclined to spend more on a status symbol, one can get more “bang for the buck” by going for a larger size than for other differences (e.g. higher clarity grades) that are not visible to the naked eye.</p>
<p>When H and I started getting serious, he started looking for jewelry. However, all he knew was his mother’s taste. His mother had an emerald cut stone, set in platinum, with baguettes on either side. </p>
<p>He had had the family jeweler set aside various sizes of emerald cuts, intending to surprise me and have me look at them during a trip we were taking downtown.</p>
<p>Thankfully (I suppose!) a week or so before our planned downtown trip (at which he was going to surprise me), we happened to walk by a jewelry store and he “casually” asked me what I liked. I kind of went “ew! yuck! blech!” on the emerald cut / baguettes / platinum and indicated that what I really liked was either round or oval, plain setting with nothing on the sides, and yellow gold. He was able to change course and instruct the jeweler to set aside stones and settings that would be more to my taste, and that’s indeed what he did – he surprised me, but at least the “surprises” for me to choose from were to my taste. I’m very happy with my ring and have had no need / desire to change it over time (NTTAWWT).</p>
<p>My BIL bought a ring for my sister that had five stones across – he was a little naive and got suckered into a big ring, when in truth it was simply too big for my sister’s taste. She wound up having it reset with just the middle stone and the two end stones on either side and having the other two stones made into earrings. He’s not the kind of guy to get offended, but some guys are.</p>
<p>Moral of the story: I would think long and hard about giving a ring and expecting it to be loved as is. Maybe give the stone so it could be reset, but people’s tastes are different and while the sentiment is lovely, this is a permanent deal. Unless you’re absolutely assured that it’s a classic ring that anyone and everyone would like, I’d proceed with caution.</p>
<p>I don’t think the size of the diamond is important as long as the lady feels that an adequate amount of thought and preparation went into buying the ring. If he’s got a feel for what kinds of cuts she likes and knows what he can afford, I think that’s great and she will love it. No sane woman wants a man who throws money around on things he can’t afford to the detriment of the family’s finances. I would only be disappointed with a smaller diamond if my fiance could have afforded something more to my (imo reasonble) taste if he had taken the time to plan for the purchase and save and chose not to put in the effort or forethought to do so-- that would kind of hurt my feelings and make me wonder how serious he is. It sounds like your S is just trying to make a reasonable financial decision and that is exactly what he is supposed to be doing. I am not worried at all that his girlfriend won’t appreciate it.</p>
<p>I do think sometimes the guys are more worried about this than we are. My fiance had a carat size in his head before even talking to me about it that was a lot higher than what I had in mind.</p>