<p>First, the cynicism: do not give a family heirloom away to someone who is not yet in the family. If that engagement falls through, you will not get the ring back (or you may have to bring a lawsuit against her for it, if your state allows such). Have your son give it to her as an anniversary present.</p>
<p>Yes, I know that the vast majority of people who give their intendeds a family heirloom will be married to that person, and many women will give the heirloom back to an ex-fiance. But if that’s not how it plays out, you can kiss that heirloom good-bye, or try to persuade your son to sue over it. </p>
<p>Second, the size: it depends. It depends on her background, her group of friends, and her coworkers. (It also depends on age: it’s a little weird to see 24-year-old women sporting these huge $20,000 rocks.) He can also upgrade her later on.</p>
<p>Status may or may not be an issue, but the initial impact on the presentation can be a make or break thing. Guys are mostly in the dark about what to do. You can ask other guys or you can ask women but we didn’t have that as an easy option in the old days. It’s nice to be able to get a variety of opinions in a forum. The proposal reminds me of making a job offer. You want to offer enough to make the person feel honored or flattered while staying within your departmental budget and also leaving enough room in the salary range for raises down the road.</p>
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<p>Jewelry is typically a terrible investment. I think that you pay a factor of five to seven times the precious metals price and I think that diamond prices have been relatively stagnant for a long time. I think that there’s a massive supply of diamonds that are held off the markets by the cartel to prevent sharply lower prices.</p>
<p>What would your reaction be if your boyfriend or husband gave you a stack of gold eagles or maples. The maples come in a small, plastic container, ten to a stack. I think that the eagles come 20 to a stack - I know that they do for silver eagles - I haven’t checked the gold eagles in a while.</p>
LOL, 23 years and counting…still waiting for that upgrade! Truth is, as you progress into buying a home, cars, having kids, saving for college, paying for college, saving for weddings, saving for retirement, etc. having that rock becomes less important.</p>
<p>Personally, I’d be thrilled with a half carat ring, especially if it was high quality. I’d rather have a small stone that sparkles like crazy than a big, dull one any day. (Not that I would consider .5 cts to be small, either.) </p>
<p>This is very specific to the individual, though. Among those I know who are married or engaged, my ring is possibly the smallest (.15 ct center stone). I’m thrilled with what I have and I think it’s unique and beautiful. However, I will say that the engagement ring industry seems to try to convince young women that the amount that someone loves you is proportional to the amount of money he spends. Jewelry salespeople will tell you that the “rule” is 3 months salary. Crazy!</p>
<p>I think giving the family ring is a nice gesture, as long as the recipient is truly free to set the stone in a setting of her own choice.</p>
<p>My husband gave me a ring with a diamond from my MIL’s first ring (she had upgraded). It turned out the diamond was of very poor quality, and at some point the stone cracked and clouded up and a jeweler said it was a total loss. The good news? I then got to pick out my own ring - an entirely different gem, shape and size. I now love my ring.</p>
<p>Don’t do this. You can’t assure him because you don’t know. She may have very definite ideas about what she wants. He knows her better, so I’d let him use his own judgement. I’d be surprised if she hasn’t already dropped hints, or they may have even talked about it. If he’s sure of her answer, I’ll bet he knows what she wants.</p>
<p>How much to spend is a very touchy subject. I’ll never forget when my college girlfriend got engaged and got a very nice ring, another friend, a guy, looked at it and said, “Wow, he could have bought a car with what he spent!”. </p>
<p>I think the guy who said that is still unmarried, in middle age. No wife, but maybe he has a nice car. ha. The statement showed his priorities.</p>
If the couple has children, presumably, one of the children will get the ring someday, even if the loathsome ex is wearing it in the meantime. It’s still not out of the family entirely; it’s just on hiatus.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the advice everyone! I am not so possessive of the ring to put any strings on what becomes of it. In fact, I think it would be fine if she wants it re-set in a ring more to her liking. The ring is a simple round diamond in a white gold setting. Nothing gaudy. I will not be offended in any way if she prefers to make changes.</p>
<p>Many of you have suggested that there could be some middle ground between letting her pick out her own ring and giving her a take it or leave it dilemma. Perhaps he can present mom’s ring to her when he proposes (at Harry Potter World this summer) and explain that she may feel free to wear it forever as is or make changes whenever she likes. I will pass this on to him when he calls. In some ways, this might even be preferable to him buying a ring that is not to her taste. She would potentially have to reject his choice, which she probably wouldn’t do. And as some of you pointed out, she should love it since she will have it forever.</p>
<p>I am beyond thrilled about becoming a mil! Better start the dieting.</p>
<p>Thinking of rings as “investments” is just really freaking weird to me. I don’t care what their resale value is. I don’t plan on reselling. I have my engagement ring still from my ex fiancee. I don’t wear it, obviously, but I’m not getting rid of it either. It’s a piece of my life and a keepsake.</p>
<p>I would want to pick out my own ring. We were at an estate jewelry sale and we both spotted the same beautiful gold ring. Pave diamonds set with yellow and white gold filligree and heart diamonds on either side. We bought it for $250 (30 years ago) and I only replaced it because it is getting worn out. I wear it on special occasions. The ring is more than 100 years old and I’ve never seen one like it. As long as the couple loves it and can afford it, I think it’s something they should agree on.</p>
<p>^^^ Me, too, marybee. I understand where juniebug is coming from, but I still think it’s likely that the fiance will want to pick out her own ring. If he presents her with one, even though he says she can change it, she may feel she shouldn’t to spare his feelings. Wedding ring styles change with the times, and what once were simple and tasteful may just seem old-fashioned to our kids.
This is one area where I think MIL should leave it up to the couple. I would give grandma’s diamond to him later, at a future anniversary, and let him put it in a beautiful setting or necklace as a gift.</p>
<p>I think it’s very nice you are offering the ring with no strings tied to your son. Go on ahead and tell him that, and if wants to go that route, he can, or he can trade it in to a jeweler and/or his intended could also have input on how to go. I would have asked to have the ring exchanged if my DH gave me his mother’s ring, as I said earlier, or if my mother offered up hers, as I really don’t care for their rings at all </p>
<p>I have a friend who loves her engagement ring that was a family heirloom on ex’s side of the family. She has kept it even with the divorce because she likes the piece of jewelry. Her former MIL is fine with it because she knows it is much cherished and the deal is that it will go to my friend’s daughter someday, staying within the family line. (Former MIL detests her son’s new wife anyways, heh, heh).</p>
<p>It is customary to return the engagement ring if the engagement is broken, if was given only for that occasion, not as gift on Christmas or birthday. Don’t know the legality of it or whether it differs from state to state. In a divorce situation, the ex wives I know have all kept their jewelry, and in some cases that has led to some family antagonism when heirlooms were involved. Again, I don’t know the legalities of any of this.</p>
<p>We love our son’s gf. They’ve been together for I think about 2 1/2 years. If I decided I was ok with taking the stone out of the necklace (it hangs down from the center of a moon-shaped thing of small diamonds so could still be an intact piece, even though as I said its mot my taste and I wouldn’t wear it) for him to give to her and they broke up, I’d probably be as upset about losing her as about losing the stone!!</p>
<p>I’ve “upgraded” a whole bunch of times. I’m on my 3rd wedding ring (one got lost), and my engagement rings have gone from 1/3 (purchased when we were very poor students) to a 1/2, and now to “almost” a carat. A high quality one carat diamond was 20K, just for the stone. Don’t see how any young couple could swing such a thing. </p>
<p>I try very hard not to get attached to material possessions, and if I was giving, would do so with no strings attached.</p>